Ex lied to me to stop me having kids

[RoseNarene]

So I broke up with ex on 14th February after the other woman contacted me and shared the disgusting conversations the two of them were having. Started divorce process soon after. My girls are only just 1 and almost 5. No court orders in place yet; I've been to my single session mediation and his is in a couple of weeks. What I do know is that he wants a shared residency arrangement whereby he gets the house and has the kids 4 days a week, and I get them 3 days. Currently, and before we broke up, I work 2 days a week (when the girls are at nursery) and he is full time. His idea is that I will go back to work full time because I have better career prospects and earn more money therefore I can afford to support myself, whereas he doesn't and can't, therefore that means he should get house and kids and all the benefits and that I should pay him maintenance.

Oh and it's also important to note that we are currently alternating our time spent in our marital home 50:50. Kids are always there but not both parents at the same time.

I work Saturdays (temporarily) so he has the kids at the weekend. However, I learnt that he was working this Saturday randomly so had his parents look after the kids. No problem there. Only, I then find that the kids stayed the night at his parents, and he didn't. He stayed at the marital home. I was pissed off on two counts - firstly that I was kicked out of the house when he could've gone to his parents (that's where he stays when he's not at our house) and secondly because I was losing out on time with my kids in favour of his parents! I accept I must share with him, but not them. I asked if I could have the kids back Saturday evening as they should be with at least one of their parents and he simply said no, that Saturday night was his responsibility and he had organised it so tough shit basically.

So I begin asking can I have them back Sunday morning (I've been ill this week so haven't seen them since Tuesday) and he says no because that's HIS time with the kids (it usually is) and that they are all going out that day. I ask if I can have them in the afternoon and he says no. The only thing he will allow is me driving an hour to his parents to get the girls at 6pm, which would be awful for the 1 year old as she would want to cuddle me etc and certainly wouldn't want to be shoved in the car for an hours journey home the moment she sees her mummy for the first time in days. So ex says he will bring them home Monday morning.

However... I noticed that he has left his car in the car park of a nearby restaurant (walking distance from our house). It's still there now, and it's lunchtime. So there's no way he could be at his parents without his car.

And then my friend texted me to say that she saw my ex in town doing a bike ride with a cycle club!! I looked up the club and they ride between 9am and 1pm!! Once he finishes and gets back to the car, it'll take him an hour to get back to his parents, where he has left the kids. So he isn't even with them and won't be until at least 2pm!

So he has lied to me, telling me that he is with the kids today and that's why I can't have them, because it's his time, when in reality, my kids are with his fucking parents while he goes on a bike ride and I'm left on my own and haven't seen my kids since Tuesday!!! I'm crying right now I'm so upset, I miss them so badly and he fucking lied to me!

Please tell me I can use this against him when he tries to get 50/50 residency and acts like all he does is in the best interests of the kids when clearly it isn't, unless keeping children from their mother is considered in children's best interests these days!!!

I'm a little nervous but ok! He comes back from work at 7:30 and I have his letter all written for him. My parents are going to go to my sisters (she lives round the corner) so that I can call on them if anything kicks off.

Great stuff! Its your home too! Onwards and upwards now!

Call the police immediately if he kicks off. And your parents of course. Don't give him an inch! Good luck x

Good luck xx

Email the letter to him as well, so you have proof of sending it. Otherwise, he could just deny receiving it.

I despair that these men get away with this

I've been there too OP, sort of. With an emotionally controlling and abusive man. Bear in mind that it's a reportable crime now ok?

Hope this evening went okay and with minimum drama and that you're safely inside your room. Thinking of you

Hi all

I'm safely in my safe space! He arrived home and I gave him the letter and disappeared upstairs. He then came up and told me that he will be seeking his own advice and that he will be moving back in full time too, which I totally expected.

He then went upstairs (we have a loft conversion) to my eldest daughter's room and told her that "mummy is being nasty" and that there will probably be lots of arguments from now on that he will try to shield her from.

He's totally trying to turn her against me and I'll be honest - it's working. Neither of us have any money but when he takes the girls to his parents they're always out on trips, and I know his parents pay for it. Eldest said to me a few weeks ago "you don't ever take me out, do you mummy?", words that have clearly come from elsewhere. I've also had "granny is the best at doing hair" (she's totally not) and "why wont you just forgive daddy?" She's been acting increasingly rude and ungrateful for anything and everything I do for her. I'm not pandering to it - not begging for her attention and I act like I'm not bothered when today she told me that she hated me. For no reason whatsoever. It was as if she only said it to see what I would do. She looks at me like I'm a piece of shit.

I NEVER say anything bad about my ex to her. I would never do that. But it seems to me that him and his family are turning her against me and it's working. Any advice?

You are amazing OP.

Of course he is moving back in because he wants the house.

And the fact him and his family want to fill a child's head with nonsense so she can say it all in his defence is disgusting.

A child should not know or have a hint of what's gone on between you from either of you or his parents.

I think you need to have a line on this:

• and that was lovely of granny to take you out
• daddy and I have BOTH fallen out but I will NEVER be mean about your daddy to you because that is a NASTY and UNKIND thing to do.
• daddy and I both love you even if we don't get on. I don't EVER want you to feel pushed into taking sides.
• if you EVER feel like you need to talk or are feeling worried you can talk to me
• Mummy is doing her best but she works less than daddy. Aren't you lucky that you have so many people who love you?

Eventually the children will notice who the nasty one is.

And then mention his chats etc to the children when you meet with your legal advisor.

Literally keep repeating how mean and nasty it is for adults to be unkind about each other.
Keep repeating that you will NEVER say anything nasty or cruel about her daddy.

Just use the same lines over and over again.

And don't argue with him because he's tried prepping her for it so he can subtly wind you up and then when you challenge it in the eyes of the child it is your fault.

He acts abusive or gaslight you call women's aid or the police.

Rose keep a diary. Keep notes on what he says to you and the children.

He was definitely positioning himself as the primary carer. You looking after the kids whilst they were awake and him doing overnight as that's what counts.

Look after yourself, he's a crafty fucker, he has his eye on the house and the money - not what's best for the children. He will say you are greedy and money grabbing regardless of how much settlement you get. So make sure you get everything you are legally entitled to. Greedy dad won't be paying more than he is legally forced to pay.

I read a post on here, maybe someone can link. The poster said she used reverse psychology to get her ex to divorce quicker. Things like 'my solicitor says delaying things often happens when one partner is struggling to move on with their life'. ' I know it's sometimes hard to accept change have you considered seeing a counsellor?. Solicitor says refusing to sign legal paperwork is very common with partners who are finding the break up difficult to deal with.

You have to strike a balance, so it doesn't look obvious what you are doing.

Oh and your girls don't need expensive days out.

Dance round the living room, make birthday cards, make a glittery fathers day card with your eldest - show you don't give a shit, make pancakes, grow sunflowers, do a park crawl with a picnic. Make a den with duvet covers and blankets. Make sock puppets with old buttons for eyes. Paint a mural on your new bedroom wall - planets, stars, a zoo. Camp in your back garden or living room. All cost pennies at most and beat a trip to the zoo when dad doesn't really want to be there.

Bet we can think of hundreds of fab free activities for you to do with your dd's!

That's great advice for a way of approaching it with her, Maisy, thank you. I'll give it a go!

He's watching TV really bloody loud. He always used to do that when we were together but I used to get away with going down there and telling him to turn it down. Guess I'll have to live with it 😆

Don't worry, I've been keeping a diary for ages.

Not a problem. I actually stole it from my students.
Often things they say include 'they think I don't know what's going on but...' And they pick up on loads of odd things including when they think they're being cozied up to. Mine are 11+ but kids of most ages can tell if somebody is being used kind.

If you're always nice and polite and kind about daddy and granny whilst daddy and granny are negative about mummy they'll see it.

Explain to your DCs that their Dad/PIL may say unkind things about you because they're upset and that what they say may not be true. Give an example: Say to them if Dad/PIL say that I never take you out then you know that's not true as I take you to the park/swimming/wherever. But if Dad/PIL say that I don't like to iron well you know that is definitely true. (when I had to do this I deliberately made my DC laugh at this bit to put them at ease).

Tell them you trust them to make their own mind up. That you know that they know you so that they can decide for themselves whether what they hear is true or whether it's just Dad/PIL being upset.

Anything that makes them think for themselves will help you here.

The stuff he's been saying to your eldest DD may well backfire if she gets interviewed by court officials. Stuff like "I hate mummy because daddy says she's mean to him" will scream parental isolation to the courts.

Ask for his solicitor's details and then write to him (get some help here on how to word it) that his comments to DD are unacceptable, emotionally damaging to her and are not in her best interests. Provide a detailed list, this will cost you nothing and means he can't then pretend to not know that this attitude is harmful to DD.

Do you think he was bringing the ow to your house when he was having the kids at his parents?

He's a proper sleeze isn't he? I think running one home and letting the kids stay in it is a brilliant idea if you're both being adults and can trust each other. This was never going to work when he's such a piece of shit. Well done for moving back in and getting the locks sorted

Would you feel more comfortable at home if you signed up for something like this? Just until you've negotiated him out ...

skyguard.co.uk/?gclid=CNbCx_-nmtQCFQ0R0wodBu4KPA

So things have progressed... my ex threatened to take the kids away and not bring them back again, so I spoke to my solicitor and she said that I needed to get out of the house with the kids so he wouldn't have the chance. So I have. I spoke to women's aid and now have an appointment with my local council about getting a place to stay temporarily, because the way he is speaking about me to my eldest is abuse and I need to remove her from him for four weeks or so. I'm at my mums now and hopefully will get a place to stay soon.

This is all pretty scary and I feel so sad for my children... I'm worried how this is going to affect them and how whatever happens in the future will affect them. Why is he doing this?? Rhetorical question I know... but why can't he just put the children first?? He will have convinced himself that this is all me, and the further I go the more he will blame on me. I hate this so much.

Oh dear. At least you have the children with you. Make sure you keep in touch with women's aid for advice. Hope you trust your solicitor. Not so sure myself based on what you said earlier in the thread. Take care x I have been through similar and it's horrendous

I'm so glad that you have your children with you. Today is the day you take back control. He's behaving this way because he wants to control and bully you and now that you're standing up for yourself he's backed into a corner with very few options.

When is your appointment with the council? Definitely keep Women's Aid updated for advice and support.

Sorry things have got worse so quickly. Have you sought a second opinion, legally? Maybe post in Legal Matters specifically about the children's residence and the situation with the house? He sounds like he'll use every situation to his advantage.
Good luck.

If your daughter is still struggling with the things her father and your inlaws have been telling her after a few days then I'd be tempted to go to your GP and ask for a referral for counselling. She's going through an extremely big upheaval in her life and her father's input has made that even worse. It might do her good to talk through things to someone independent and get some understanding that sometimes grown ups say horrible things about people when they're angry. There will also be an official record of his attempt to alienate her from you.