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Original poster

Ex lied to me to stop me having kids

174 replies

RoseNarene · 28/05/2017 12:34

So I broke up with ex on 14th February after the other woman contacted me and shared the disgusting conversations the two of them were having. Started divorce process soon after. My girls are only just 1 and almost 5. No court orders in place yet; I've been to my single session mediation and his is in a couple of weeks. What I do know is that he wants a shared residency arrangement whereby he gets the house and has the kids 4 days a week, and I get them 3 days. Currently, and before we broke up, I work 2 days a week (when the girls are at nursery) and he is full time. His idea is that I will go back to work full time because I have better career prospects and earn more money therefore I can afford to support myself, whereas he doesn't and can't, therefore that means he should get house and kids and all the benefits and that I should pay him maintenance.

Oh and it's also important to note that we are currently alternating our time spent in our marital home 50:50. Kids are always there but not both parents at the same time.

I work Saturdays (temporarily) so he has the kids at the weekend. However, I learnt that he was working this Saturday randomly so had his parents look after the kids. No problem there. Only, I then find that the kids stayed the night at his parents, and he didn't. He stayed at the marital home. I was pissed off on two counts - firstly that I was kicked out of the house when he could've gone to his parents (that's where he stays when he's not at our house) and secondly because I was losing out on time with my kids in favour of his parents! I accept I must share with him, but not them. I asked if I could have the kids back Saturday evening as they should be with at least one of their parents and he simply said no, that Saturday night was his responsibility and he had organised it so tough shit basically.

So I begin asking can I have them back Sunday morning (I've been ill this week so haven't seen them since Tuesday) and he says no because that's HIS time with the kids (it usually is) and that they are all going out that day. I ask if I can have them in the afternoon and he says no. The only thing he will allow is me driving an hour to his parents to get the girls at 6pm, which would be awful for the 1 year old as she would want to cuddle me etc and certainly wouldn't want to be shoved in the car for an hours journey home the moment she sees her mummy for the first time in days. So ex says he will bring them home Monday morning.

However... I noticed that he has left his car in the car park of a nearby restaurant (walking distance from our house). It's still there now, and it's lunchtime. So there's no way he could be at his parents without his car.

And then my friend texted me to say that she saw my ex in town doing a bike ride with a cycle club!! I looked up the club and they ride between 9am and 1pm!! Once he finishes and gets back to the car, it'll take him an hour to get back to his parents, where he has left the kids. So he isn't even with them and won't be until at least 2pm!

So he has lied to me, telling me that he is with the kids today and that's why I can't have them, because it's his time, when in reality, my kids are with his fucking parents while he goes on a bike ride and I'm left on my own and haven't seen my kids since Tuesday!!! I'm crying right now I'm so upset, I miss them so badly and he fucking lied to me!

Please tell me I can use this against him when he tries to get 50/50 residency and acts like all he does is in the best interests of the kids when clearly it isn't, unless keeping children from their mother is considered in children's best interests these days!!!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/05/2017 18:34

OK, today this stops.

You move the DC in together, you have the small room, put a lock on it keep your stuff in there and sleep in there.

Tell him that you don't have this higher earning potential as you've not worked in your career full time for x years. You want to maintain the status quo for the DC - that you are their primary carer as that is in their best interests.

Absolutely speak to WA - you cannot trust this man, he is going to lie and do anything to get his way.

You do not need his permission to make the DC share - you have the right to live in that home with your DC and have your own room.

Flowers
Original poster
RoseNarene · 28/05/2017 18:34

I can't just take the kids and move out. I have nowhere to go and I'm liable for the mortgage.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/05/2017 18:36

Thing is if he drags this out (he will) he will have the evidence that you haven't been primary carer!!!

UnicornSparkles1 · 28/05/2017 18:39

To a refuge. To friends/family.

You are building a precedent with him which shows that 50/50 works. The Judge will rule with what is "working".

RandomMess · 28/05/2017 18:40

Speak to WA - this is why refuge's exist. You can force sale of the house, or the courts can award that you live in it and he pays spousal maintenance to help afford paying the mortgage.

You and the DC have far more rights and options than you believe.

Completeguess · 28/05/2017 18:40

Well he can't force you to work full time can he so unless you want to, that's a non-starter.

Not sure about your solicitor's advice tbh. That's not what I was advised. Be careful because when my case ended up in court, I was criticised by the judge for leaving the house and dc for two nights when exh turned up. She said I should not have left at all.

UnicornSparkles1 · 28/05/2017 18:47

Why would a judge award your ex every other weekend when he can prove that 50/50 is working? I really think you need to speak to a different solicitor for a second opinion and fast.

Original poster
RoseNarene · 28/05/2017 18:49

My solicitor said that the judge would go for how things were before we broke up - she said that how things have been since we split won't matter. She said she sees this all the time, blokes always try to pull this out of the bag but it won't work.

OP posts:
Original poster
RoseNarene · 28/05/2017 18:52

Surely the fact that he's lied to me about childcare arrangements etc shows that this 50/50 arrnagement isn't working at all? Won't a judge see that I've been forced into it?

OP posts:
UnicornSparkles1 · 28/05/2017 18:57

How can you prove that he wasn't there? When he swears he was there and his parents agree? And I'm pretty sure that what he chooses to do with the children on his time is entirely up to him - as far as the judge is concerned anyway.

And it very much depends how long he drags his feet for before you even see a judge. Not filing paperwork on time, being "ill" on a court date, there are so many dirty tricks which will delay things. And meanwhile the months keep ticking by and he can show a judge that 50/50 is working.

Completeguess · 28/05/2017 18:59

It sounds like you have agreed to the arrangement, rather than you have been 'forced'? Have you actually said to him or in mediation that you don't agree with 50:50?

I understand you are dealing with a difficult man which is why I said earlier you might need to get the law on your side.

I think you need to be entirely clear what you want and get legal advice to enable you to get as near to that as possible.

Original poster
RoseNarene · 28/05/2017 19:06

I can prove he wasn't there, as it happens!

I know exactly what I want. When this all started I asked him to move out and initially he did. He then sought his own advice, which was clearly to stay in the house and spend as much time with the kids as possible. I feel forced out because I don't feel comfortable there with him and I'm trying to avoid confrontation. I feel forced out because I'm trying to do what's right for the kids and protect them. Me being there when he won't leave causes arguments, shouting, bad feeling, confrontation and it's just horrible. A police officer who attended one incident told my ex he's seen this many times when ex couples try to come to an arrangement in the marital home and it never works, and he advised my ex to move out.

I went to mediation as quickly as I could to get a resolution but ex has been delaying. But he does know that I want to keep house / kids majority of the time with him having them every other weekend. We haven't had a chance to discuss at mediation but it seems that my ex is dead set on taking it to court and is already building up a case against me (I know because I've seen it, though he doesn't know this).

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/05/2017 19:24

Why are you letting him have them 4 days per week when you work 2/3 days and him full time?

Please stand your ground Flowers

Original poster
RoseNarene · 28/05/2017 20:52

I'm not "letting" him have anything... at the moment, arrangements work thus...

Mon / Tues = me with kids
Wed / Thurs = kids at nursery, both parents working, ex has them in evenings
Fri = ex works, so I come back to house to look after kids 9am - 8pm, but then have to leave the house as he comes back and I won't stay there with him for aforementioned reasons
Sat / Sun = ex with kids

So at the moment it is roughly 50/50. I don't want this; when we first split and I kicked him out, he was just having them at the weekends. This was going to be my proposed arrangement until he started being horrible and I found out that the 'norm' is every OTHER weekend, not every weekend. Plus it makes more sense for when the oldest goes to school as I should get alternate weekends with her or I will only ever see her after school.

But how can I force him to have them any less?

OP posts:
Original poster
RoseNarene · 28/05/2017 20:53

I should add that I never agreed to this arrangement. It's been forced on me.

OP posts:
HappyAsASandboy · 28/05/2017 21:05

That doesn't look like 50/50 to a judge. It looked like ex has them wed, thurs, fri, sat and Sunday nights, which is 5/7 nights.

Seriously Op, stay at home and be with your kids. If he is threatening and you're scared then call the police.

Funnyonion17 · 28/05/2017 21:06

This is madness and sounds as though he's rather controlling tbh.

He can't force you to work full time to support him and pay maintenance. What a dick and man child.

Get back in that house, refuse to leave and don't let him dictate to you anymore. Go back to your routine before you broke up. No court can force anybody into full time work to pay maintenance trust me, my ex has been on JSA for 8 years and I get sod all. Resident parents would all be enforcing greedy or lazy shit parents to do it if so. It sounds like he thinks he can set it all up his way then present it to the courts hmm

Original poster
RoseNarene · 28/05/2017 21:12

Ok... I will speak to my solicitor but I can see what you're all saying. Maybe I can get a lock for my bedroom door or something.

OP posts:
UnicornSparkles1 · 28/05/2017 21:16

Move back in with your kids full time and reestablish yourself as their primary carer. HE is their primary carer at the minute. You need to change this immediately.

Get a lock on your kids' bedroom door and sleep in there.

Call the police every single time he threatens you so that it's all officially documented and get an emergency injunction and occupation order to kick him out. www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/how-to-apply

glenthebattleostrich · 28/05/2017 21:27

It won't hurt the kids to share a room for a bit so put them in one room, get a lock for the other and don't leave again.

Make sure you are the one to pick up and drop off at nursery.

Keep a diary of the emotional abuse he is engaging in and discuss it with women's aid.

RandomMess · 28/05/2017 21:59

Yes you need to be very aware it's the number of overnights that are "counted" the fact you look after them during the day gets overlooked...

Yes to lock on bedroom door even if it means you taking the smallest one for the easier option.

Original poster
RoseNarene · 29/05/2017 07:48

My biggest issue with moving back in is the arguments it will cause, and the potential fighting over the children; for example, at the weekends, I'm certain he will attempt to take the kids out every weekend to clock up more exclusive time with them. If I have made plans or want to make plans it'll literally be a fight over the kids. It'll be a race to see who gets up and ready quicker so can grab the kids first. That sort of thing. I would try to come to an alternate weekend arrangement while we are both still living there but I don't think he will go for it and I'm concerned for the sake of the kids that we will be fighting over them in front of them. I can try my best to simply ignore him most of the time, but when it comes to taking the kids out, I'm sure that's what he will do.

OP posts:
Completeguess · 29/05/2017 07:54

Agree with unicorn. Move back in asap and if necessary you will have to involve the police. I will pm you as I had a very similar situation and it went to court and got very messy.

kittybiscuits · 29/05/2017 08:05

You are letting him have your DCs in order to avoid conflict/violence/abuse. Your solicitor's advice sounds questionable. You need to get back in the family home and re-establish yourself as primary carer. You can't kick hi out. You need to call the police each and every time you feel threatened or unsafe with him. He sounds very unstable. You need to put your children first. Him being their primary carer is a very worrying prospect.

Roomba · 29/05/2017 08:21

I 100% agree with what everyone else has said here. My friend had a very similar arrangement with her ex after they split and she didn't want to rock the boat, thought involving police was ridiculous etc. Despite her being a SAHM to her 4 kids from over ten years until she went back to work PT a couple of months before they split, she now gets her kids every other weekend and has to pay her ex maintenance. He got to keep the house she spent 15 years running single handedly and doing up, while he worked all the hours he could to avoid his kids.

She was told by many people that courts always side with mothers, not to worry as the judge would see through him, courts do what is best for the kids... Her kids are all miserable, their dad palms them off on anyone who will have them (except their mum!), they miss her desperately and are developing mental health issues.

Please, please take the advice you've been offered here. Courts do not always favour mothers these days.

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