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Ex lied to me to stop me having kids

174 replies

RoseNarene · 28/05/2017 12:34

So I broke up with ex on 14th February after the other woman contacted me and shared the disgusting conversations the two of them were having. Started divorce process soon after. My girls are only just 1 and almost 5. No court orders in place yet; I've been to my single session mediation and his is in a couple of weeks. What I do know is that he wants a shared residency arrangement whereby he gets the house and has the kids 4 days a week, and I get them 3 days. Currently, and before we broke up, I work 2 days a week (when the girls are at nursery) and he is full time. His idea is that I will go back to work full time because I have better career prospects and earn more money therefore I can afford to support myself, whereas he doesn't and can't, therefore that means he should get house and kids and all the benefits and that I should pay him maintenance.

Oh and it's also important to note that we are currently alternating our time spent in our marital home 50:50. Kids are always there but not both parents at the same time.

I work Saturdays (temporarily) so he has the kids at the weekend. However, I learnt that he was working this Saturday randomly so had his parents look after the kids. No problem there. Only, I then find that the kids stayed the night at his parents, and he didn't. He stayed at the marital home. I was pissed off on two counts - firstly that I was kicked out of the house when he could've gone to his parents (that's where he stays when he's not at our house) and secondly because I was losing out on time with my kids in favour of his parents! I accept I must share with him, but not them. I asked if I could have the kids back Saturday evening as they should be with at least one of their parents and he simply said no, that Saturday night was his responsibility and he had organised it so tough shit basically.

So I begin asking can I have them back Sunday morning (I've been ill this week so haven't seen them since Tuesday) and he says no because that's HIS time with the kids (it usually is) and that they are all going out that day. I ask if I can have them in the afternoon and he says no. The only thing he will allow is me driving an hour to his parents to get the girls at 6pm, which would be awful for the 1 year old as she would want to cuddle me etc and certainly wouldn't want to be shoved in the car for an hours journey home the moment she sees her mummy for the first time in days. So ex says he will bring them home Monday morning.

However... I noticed that he has left his car in the car park of a nearby restaurant (walking distance from our house). It's still there now, and it's lunchtime. So there's no way he could be at his parents without his car.

And then my friend texted me to say that she saw my ex in town doing a bike ride with a cycle club!! I looked up the club and they ride between 9am and 1pm!! Once he finishes and gets back to the car, it'll take him an hour to get back to his parents, where he has left the kids. So he isn't even with them and won't be until at least 2pm!

So he has lied to me, telling me that he is with the kids today and that's why I can't have them, because it's his time, when in reality, my kids are with his fucking parents while he goes on a bike ride and I'm left on my own and haven't seen my kids since Tuesday!!! I'm crying right now I'm so upset, I miss them so badly and he fucking lied to me!

Please tell me I can use this against him when he tries to get 50/50 residency and acts like all he does is in the best interests of the kids when clearly it isn't, unless keeping children from their mother is considered in children's best interests these days!!!

OP posts:
Mermaidinthesea123 · 29/05/2017 08:26

Give up your job like I did, that way you are much more likely to get the house, maintenance and the kids, and legal aid.
Call the police and get an injunction against him this is bullying and domestic violence and make sure he is removed from the house. You get legal aid if you have an injunction out against him and no job.
You need to do this, you are fighting for your life and your kids now.
He is trying to bully you out of your rights.

OddBoots · 29/05/2017 08:40

I'm sure you know but for some reason the courts count overnights more than they do daytime, you need to be with your children overnight if you want 50/50 or more long term.

LIZS · 29/05/2017 08:41

Where do you go when you move out? The "norm" is that the dc would move between, clearly there is space at his parents for them all, and the main caregiver keeps the family home . If you are fearful of his behaviour towards you, and it is at very least intrusive probably emotionally abusive, would his parents facilitate handovers?

Butterymuffin · 29/05/2017 08:41

Also, even if he does try and take the kids out at weekends, it's the overnights that count, when you will be there. And given that he seems to know that too, I wonder if if he will bother with daytime shenanigans. But you have to get back your time with them.

spottysuperted · 29/05/2017 08:44

rose where do you go and stay?

I agree this has to stop and you need to live in your house 100% of the time but I'm wondering if you have anyone supporting you in RL ?

I know it's hard but all posters here are obviously very concerned about this moving in and out schedule and your abusive ex who is saying you need to pay him maintenance (!) despite you working 2/5-6 of the days he does

  • and you seem to be focusing on the original 50:50 question

I understand why as that's what you came on to ask but please recognise if so many people are concerned it's important to consider xxxxx

NaiceBiscuits · 29/05/2017 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RoseNarene · 29/05/2017 08:57

He turned up this morning to drop the kids off and totally unprompted said "it's gonna hurt, when you have to leave this house, isn't it?" And proceeded to tell me how his solicitor and a barrister have already told him he has a really good chance. How come he's seen a barrister? We haven't even been to mediation jointly yet.

OP posts:
NaiceBiscuits · 29/05/2017 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NaiceBiscuits · 29/05/2017 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 29/05/2017 09:03

He's full of shit. Move back in, today, and get a lock on the bedroom door. You've been the primary carer, not him.

rizlett · 29/05/2017 09:20

Rose - you are still thinking that he has some loyalty but he's going to go for all he can get - and has already proven that he will lie to do that. He may make up all sorts of stuff - I know if you are an honest person it's really difficult to understand the depths to which some people will go.

He's already shown part of his hand - and it looks like its going to get nasty. You have to protect yourself and your dc - staying 'nice' just isn't going to cut it.

Move back in immediately - pick your battles so don't worry about him talking dc out for the day - (it might even lessen if you are just letting him control that) but at least you are there every night demonstrating that you are the main carer.

RandomMess · 29/05/2017 09:33

If you are living in the house full time even if he takes them out every weekend - you are still there EVERY night, you are still the main carer, that does not mean you will have to agree to every weekend in the future. EOW and one or two night in the week is a common compromise.

I really think he won't want the DC that much if he doesn't have the house - it's a mean to the ends.

Seriously if you leave work that would ironically go in your favour.

Flowers today get that yale lock put on your bedroom door and move the girls in together. He is VERY serious about getting residency and the house.

KOKO

RoseNarene · 29/05/2017 09:42

I looked at the women's aid site and heir helpline is a domestic violence number. Is that the one I call?

Thank you all for your advice... I'm really struggling. How he tried to goad me and taunt me this morning in front of our 4 year old was horrible

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 29/05/2017 09:51

It's a taste of things to come! He knows he has a good chance and he is right. And it's not because he gives a shit about your children. It's because he's an abuser and he wants to hurt you and take everything from you. Please get straight back in the driving seat and stop him running the show. At the moment, through your naivety, you are handing it to him on a plate. I am not being unkind - you have to act. He knows he has control of the situation. That's why he's gloating. So pleased with himself he can't even hide it. You need to stay at home 7 nights a week from today. Flowers

kittybiscuits · 29/05/2017 09:52

Yes call the WA helpline and leave a message - they will get back to you. You are in a domestic abuse situation!

rizlett · 29/05/2017 09:53

yes - call that number and i know you might not be able to get and handle on the 'violence' part of the word because we often think that violence is physical but its not - its any form of abuse.

UnicornSparkles1 · 29/05/2017 10:24

Yes Rose, call them and explain that you have been forced out of your children's lives and home since discovering the affair. That you're afraid to rock the boat, that you're afraid to live in your house with him. That there's nowhere for you to go with your children. That you have been bullied into doing exactly as he demands.They will help x

UnicornSparkles1 · 29/05/2017 10:26

I could just cry for you, what an utterly awful situation. Please call the helpline x

Graceflorrick · 29/05/2017 10:32

If this was me, I'd move back into marital home full time with the kids. This isn't working, he sounds like an awful human being!

RoseNarene · 29/05/2017 10:39

He is awful. He says he's sorry for what he's done (i.e. The cheating) but now everything that follows is my fault because I won't forgive him and won't try to mend our relationship.

OP posts:
CrazedZombie · 29/05/2017 10:46

He's showed his hand and it's as we expected. 😡

I hope that WA have some good advice for you. He's intimidating you so that he can claim to have the kids most of the time and get money from you and tax credits. (Plus it saves him the hassle of moving out) I hope that you can get a lock on the bedroom door so he can't make it look like you're not looking after the kids. If everyone sleeps in the same house then it makes it look like you both cared for the kids that day even if he leaves after breakfast and returns at bedtime.

oleoleoleole · 29/05/2017 10:52

Firstly I think your solicitor is wrong to tell you what a judge will order, nobody can foresee that so don't get your hopes up.

Secondly you need to do this for,yours and the kids safety:

Change the locks, he's got his parents who can have him and the DC
Tell him what contact he can have, stop allowing him to dictate to you. If he goads you or is in any way unreasonable in front of the DC withdraw contact.
Ring women's aid and look into the freedom project.
Call police if you need to (ie if you feel threatened or unsafe)
Tell his parents you want them to still see the DC but not at the expense of your time with them and you hope they understand and support that. Tell them the reason the marriage has failed and how his behaviour is difficult for you.

Do not let this man into your home or life again. Do not go back to,work full time to enable him to live off benefits. I think he's realised the error of his ways and is trying for a damage limitation exercise.

RoseNarene · 29/05/2017 11:00

His parents are on his side. They know why the marriage broke down and they agree with my ex that it's now my fault because I won't forgive him. Until I told them to stop contacting me they kept having a go and sticking their oar in to tell me what I should be doing. They blame me for not going to marriage counselling.

It's his house too so I can't lock him out or change the locks. When the police have been called in the past they pretty much said there was nothing they can do.

OP posts:
Completeguess · 29/05/2017 11:01

No you can't change the locks

WorknameJimEllis · 29/05/2017 11:02

He says he's sorry for what he's done (i.e. The cheating) but now everything that follows is my fault because I won't forgive him and won't try to mend our relationship

What a monumental twat.

So he stuck his dick into someone else and he's angry because you won't pretend it didn't happen.

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