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Original poster

Suddenly feeling so scared of what's to come.

100 replies

messyoldmess · 07/01/2007 23:02

Things are starting to really move on now. I am trying to get things sorted, view possible houses, think positive etc, but even though I know this needs to move on, I am getting myself in a terrible state of fear thinking of moving house (which is traumatic enough at the best of times!) to start a new & unknown life as a single mother.
I have never lived alone or had to fend for myself before & I am petrified!
Getting myself in a state thinking about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 07/01/2007 23:09

I know it's for the best, but I am feeling totally overwhelmed thinking about going it alone after being with H for 11 years.

OP posts:
MamazonAKAfatty · 07/01/2007 23:14

I had the same worries MoM

I used to sit in teh refuge and be awake all night just trying to imagine life alone...especially with Ds as he is Sn.

It wont help but it is 2 years since i left for the refuge and i still to this day have the odd "oh i wish xp was here" moments. i very quickly snap out of it as i just hear what would come out of his mouth if he saw the state i was in.

basicly, what your feeling is normal. you will move and you will getthrough it because your a mum and you have to for your kids.
you will be so busey getting everything organised that by the time you have enough time to think about it you will realise that you have managed thus far and you will get even better the longer you try.

And hey...im always here to tell you how badly i mess up so you can take comfort in knowing things could be worse

Original poster
messyoldmess · 07/01/2007 23:24

I feel I should be stronger, but I am totally petrified! I wonder how I will get through it without having some kind of a breakdown, but I guess I will!
You haven't messed up FM, you have been strong & come out the other side.

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MamazonAKAfatty · 07/01/2007 23:29

oh trust me i mess up.

when i was first placed by the refuge he found me. i thought that rather than cause more agro i would let him see the kids...convinced that my leaving was enough to make him change ...well guess what happened.

last time we were in court and the barrister was reading out his psych reports i felt sorry for him. i wanted to go and hug him as i felt so bad for him.

i truley do need locking up at times.
i may seem atrong but trust me, i have the same doubts and wobbly moments as we all do.

pinkbubble · 07/01/2007 23:30

MOM you dont need to feel scared because you have good friends, ok not good at sick but you can always rant and rave at them and it wont go any further. Please talk to them

Original poster
messyoldmess · 07/01/2007 23:34

I have had H getting tearful on me & it gets to me, even though maybe it shouldn't.
He has been crying tonight at the thought of not being able to go up & kiss the boys after his late shift. I would have to be made of stone to not get upset by that. It's hard.
I know it's for the best & one day things will be better, but it's the process of actually getting there that's tough.

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Original poster
messyoldmess · 07/01/2007 23:35

Hi bubble
Ignore me, I'm having one of my funny blips!
You ok?

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pinkbubble · 07/01/2007 23:42

Thought thing were tough when spoke earlier Try not taking other peoples problems on my dear!!!!! They will come through them(must be the beer talking!!) Make sure you look after yourself because you need to be strong for you, have you started talking to DSs yet about your situation? Please think about it, their more clued in than you think! I have DH at home tomorrow he has decided not to go away- I think he thinks I will sit on MN and ignore DDs as if(I would be under the stairs hiding!!)

Original poster
messyoldmess · 07/01/2007 23:46

I am normally kind of ok, bubble. Things just sometimes catch up with me a bit.
Glad DH is staying with you & the girls. I would have come round & sat with you if he had gone away though. I like a good distraction, anyway!
Are things more settled now?

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Original poster
messyoldmess · 07/01/2007 23:48

Oh & no, I haven't said too much to the boys, but was thinking of doing that soon, as things are kind of moving on a bit.
Dreading that part though.

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Original poster
messyoldmess · 07/01/2007 23:51

I have spoken to DS about how he would feel about mummys & daddys living in different houses, but not told him it all. Things have been in limbo for so long that I didn't want to confuse him.

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MamazonAKAfatty · 07/01/2007 23:58

I think your handling this all really well.

I don't know how i would cope having to live with my ex for months on end until things got settled.

And as you say, you would have to be made of stoe not to feel a little twinge when he starts crying. as i say, i still do now and im a lot further down the road than you.

As for telling the boys, tell them what they need to know as and when they need to know it. when you do decide to go through teh whole moving apart conversation make sure you do it with H there as well. talk about what you are going to say to them between yourselves first so that you are agreed on what you want to say.

pinkbubble · 07/01/2007 23:58

PC I am soooooo worried about you!!!! I have DD1 Ipod on so cant hear what is going upstairs but DD2 does have bug and is being sick every hour so, so has slowed down-phew I havent been sick again just me dealing with it in my way! Please talk to me I need a distraction as well-Its a two way thing

mamama · 08/01/2007 00:34

Messy, it's scary. Nothing helful to add as I don't think I'm feeling much better about things than you are. All I know is that I will cope because I have to. DS has no-one else. And, for the same reason, you will cope.

But please, take all the help you can get, be it talking to friends (I saw what bubble said ), having some company, getting a babysitter, counselling and/or medicine. You don't have to get through this alone.

x

Original poster
messyoldmess · 08/01/2007 07:50

Sorry PB, I had to go retire to bed & attempt to sleep (didn't really happen though!), hope you're okay & that DD2 has stopped being sick.
Don't worry about me - I don't want that. Just concentrate on yourself. I will be okay...you know what I'm like!

Hi, mamama, how are things with you?
I am down for counselling, but there is a waiting list. I also have a low dose AD to help me sleep.
Most of the time I'm okay & plod along, but when I stop & really focus on what's going on, I kind of freak a bit!

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hurtwife · 08/01/2007 11:26

mom Hi
I am in same situation i am about to move into a house of my own with my 4. I thought for a while i would be fine this was my moment ect. But as the date is getting nearer (and i have done nothing about packing a thing) i am petrified. My h is also crying although this is all his choice. I too want to hug him and make it all better but i know deep down things can never go back and he is not willing to try and get things to go forward (together anyway).
I am not sleeping and having huge panic attacks all the time - my brain switches off for about a second and then it jolts back to reality and i feel awful. If this is living i dont want to do it anymore.

Thats not much help to you is it? I should be saying things like we will get through this together. It is great to read all the other success others have had. We will get through this.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 08/01/2007 12:36

Sorry to hear you are struggling, hurtwife. I have read your thread & posted on there under my regular MN name.
All the emotions you describe sound very very familiar. I too have not been sleeping, suffering panic attacks & getting very tearful.
I am normally ok all the time I'm busy, but in the evening when all is quiet & I have thinking time, I can get myself in quite a state.
Last night I was trying to picture my first night in my own house & the thought of taking myself to bed in this new strange house, which I will be living in totally alone, got me in a real panic & the tears started again.
Today is the first day I have taken off work due to tiredness & feeling too up in the air to function properly.
My parents keep making little digs about the come down in type of house I will be looking at, & my head just can't take this right now!

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hurtwife · 08/01/2007 12:43

Hi
Thats awful about feeling bad about the type of house you are going to be in. Money and big houses is really not everything.
I feel so helpless because i dont work (i gave it all up to raise our family) and this year i have been putting all my energy into trying to save the marriage. But like they say it needs the imput of 2 to save it and now i have to face the fact that he really never wanted to save it. Thats means now that my life is very sad i have no direction and i feel i have given up all interests for the relationship - which makes me feel even more like a fool.

I wont really have any money worries so there is no real need to go and get a job either. I should count my blessings becasue i can do whatever i want - so why does it not feel good?
The days just drag by and the nights are filled with terror, but it must end soon.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 08/01/2007 12:54

Oh hurtwife, I'm so sorry you are feeling so crushed.
Did your separation happen very recently? (Apologies if you've already answered this q - I'm v tired!)
I'm sure things will get better, but you need to give it time - especially in your circumstances where it sounds like it was quite unexpected.

My parents are just very anti the whole thing & they are also very materialistic.
When I explained the location of one of the houses I am going to look at, she said "Oh no! Wait until I tell dad you're looking at houses round there!"

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Original poster
messyoldmess · 08/01/2007 12:55

"She" being mum! I told you I'm not with it today!

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tribpot · 08/01/2007 13:03

Oh MOM any home where you and the boys can just be yourselves, without constantly being in fear of H's temper and outbursts will be a palace. Your parents have focused on the material - as blinking usual - at the expense of what is important. Obviously you want somewhere nice for your boys, but more than that, they need not to be living in a prison, however gilded it is.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 08/01/2007 13:11

I know tribpot & I know I won't be totally alone in the house either, as of course I will have my boys with me, but you know what I mean!
My mum said that H is a lot better than some blokes & if X can put up with Y (some friends) then why can't I put up with H?!!
Going to see a house at 6.30pm this evening.
Got a date through for my counselling now.

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winnie · 08/01/2007 13:21

marriage and relationships (LOVE) is not about putting up with things. God grief your parents live on a different planet. life is far, far too short to remain with someone who treats you like sh*t whatever he, or your parents, say. Yes, it will be hard, yes, sometimes you will feel lonely but you can do it and you will have created a better, happier life for yourself and your boys away from your controlling, manipulative husband. You have come so far messy... you ar eon the homeward straight, honest {{{{{}}}}}

Original poster
messyoldmess · 08/01/2007 13:27

I know & this is the toughest bit. I knew from the start that I would need kind of pulling through this bit!
I had H saying to me this morning, that if he could, he would do anything to stop this happening.
I told him he couldn't & that he hasn't even proved himself a changed man in the months we have been apart but still under the same roof, as he is still often behaving in exactually the way that forced me to make this big decision.
He claims he gets like this when not in control & the fact I am leaving him makes him worse.

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winnie · 08/01/2007 13:38

I think you are being amazingly strong. Having doubts and worries is a part of the human condition. If you are into self help books reading I found this book useful It helped me put what was happening and why it was happening into perspective.