Suddenly feeling so scared of what's to come.

[messyoldmess]

Things are starting to really move on now. I am trying to get things sorted, view possible houses, think positive etc, but even though I know this needs to move on, I am getting myself in a terrible state of fear thinking of moving house (which is traumatic enough at the best of times!) to start a new & unknown life as a single mother.
I have never lived alone or had to fend for myself before & I am petrified!
Getting myself in a state thinking about it.

[messyoldmess]

Hi, GF.
I am plodding along ok atm thanks.
H is still flitting from nasty to nice, which can be unbearable at times.
My counsellor said that it was typical of abusive men to do this though & that she bets if I went to any refuge, all the women there would say their men had two very different sides & would mess with their heads by going from nasty to ultra nice.
This w/e I've seen lots of nasty H, but I know this is nearly over now.
Viewing another house on Wednesday.

[glitterfairy]

Once you move things will get so much better messy. You will be away from him and can start again. Your counsellor sounds very sensible (obviously echoes much of what we have said about your X ).

Am in court again tomorrow so up early to sort out kids before I go.

[messyoldmess]

Loads of luck for tomorrow, GF. Hope all goes well for you.xx

[mamama]

Thinking of you glitterfairy. Hope all goes well. x

[glitterfairy]

Long, tedious and boring! The whole thing rumbles on and I will probably be listening to Xs lies for the next 100 years in court at this rate whilst our money supply dwindles to nothing . I must say it is amazing that someone who you always thought told nothing but the truth has turned out to be such a two faced liar to absolutely everyone.

On the other hand life goes on and the kids and I are happier and safer every day. We have no money as he continues not to pay anything towards his kids apart from a token every now and then when he can be bothered (well £1,500 in the last 18 months) but as I said we are happy.

[NewMoonOnMonday]

Messy - hope you found a perfect, affordable house yesterday

I really know how you feel about being petrified of coping alone. P will (hopefully) be moving out in 1 month - my decision (and he's not abusive or manipulative or anthing, just irritating) but I am pretty much sh*tting myself about coping alone, even though it's what I've wanted for years now.

I hope the counselling is helping you. I know you've said this is the thrid lot in 3 years but your life is going to be different now. I get the impression from your posts that you've not lived your own life yet due to parents with their priorities in the wrong order and your H. It's similar for me, but for different reasons. I really hope that living away from H renews your sense of self worth and you realise just how strong you are.

[messyoldmess]

Oh GF, it sounds a total nightmare, but you are sounding as strong as ever. You are a real inspiration.
I will e mail you soon. I have a poorly DS2 atm!
NMOM, glad things are moving along for you. It does feel very daunting doesn't it?
I am feeling a lot less panicky atm though, don't know why I am so much calmer, but I am! I seem to go in waves!

[mamama]

Glitterfairy, it all sounds very stressful. I don't understand how these men, who I assume we all thought we knew so well, can turn out to be so nasty. It sounds as though you're coping really well.

Things up and down here - getting tons of solicitors bills though and I'm sure they're not even doing anything

Hope the house hunting is going well Messy - keep us posted.

x

[messyoldmess]

Absolutely, it is awful how they can turn isn't it?
I am thinking of you both.

Think I am doing ok this week because I have spent most of the week with friends, which really helps to take your mind of things.

House yesterday was ok, but need to see solicitor before I make any offers.

[mamama]

Hope you all manage to have a peaceful weekend.

Keep us posted about the house, Messy

[glitterfairy]

HI everyone mamama and messy in particular. It is awful but in truth the seeds of this behaviour were there even before we got married and I knew about Xs temper problems then, after (just as one example) he poured a pot of yoghurt over me at a picnic because I ruffled his newspaper. Yet depsite huge doubts I went ahead and married him.

I think my problem is one of redemption and belief in healing and change. Yet I know it is possible in other areas so why not in some people? Why do some people not change and others do and why dont they step up to their problems? My view on X is that he has no idea he has ever done anything wrong and that in itself prevents any sort of meaningful change. He cant see any problems on his side at all but everything is down to me.

In the end I think caring too much about another grown up and wanting the best for them is probably a bad thing. On the other hand you can never care too much for your kids

[messyoldmess]

I can relate to a lot of what you say, GF. I too had BIG warning signs before I married H, infact even before I let him back into my life, as I had brief flings with him when I was young & he was a total bastard. He told me 4 years later how much he had messed up & how much he had changed & I found myself getting swept along with it, wanting to believe he was now a totally different man. Stupid I know!
I knew he had a very disturbed upbringing & thought I could make things better.
I know now that this is not possible & that H will never turn into the person I wanted him to...the temper issues will always be there.
Still, I guess we learn through our mistakes!

He has gone & told DS1 that we are going to live in different houses. I really wanted to be around when this was done, but he did it on Thursday night while I was at a friends house.

[glitterfairy]

Typical controlling again messy. How pathetic to use the kids in this way.

THat is something which absolutely makes my blood boil. They are the innocent victims in all of this and in many ways are the best thing that men like this will ever produce and yet they cant resist dragging them into it all. Using them and lying all the time to make you feel bad. Some of it is thoughtless but alot of it is plain manipulation.

How is he and how are you? You must be fuming.

[messyoldmess]

I am fuming about it, GF, especially because he didn't let me know he was going to do this, or let me know he had told him afterwards.
DS seems okay, but the story H gave him was that we are doing this to get more money!!!
H is at the pub again today (he was out last night until 3am this morning) & DS is not wanting to leave my side.

[tribpot]

How awful messy I can't BELIEVE he did that - and to lie about the reason too! Nothing but the truth (well, edited version thereof) is going to work in this situation.

[mamama]

messy. I cannot believe H did that

I hope you and the boys are ok. Have they asked you about it?

Hope the house hunting is going well. We may be nearer some sort of agreement so maybe the end is in sight over here... fingers crossed.

[messyoldmess]

Glad things appear to be moving on for you, mamama. I will keep my fingers crossed for you.
DS hasn't said too much more, but was constantly asking me when daddy would be home today, while H was at the pub with his friends. Also he wanted to be around me a lot today.

[glitterfairy]

I think you should have a talk with him mesy and tell him how things really are in the way you want him to know. Since H has taken it out of your hands and told him rubbish you need to make sure he knows the truth as kids know instantly when a parent lies to them and never forget it. The lies colour everything afterwards. It does not help when they are already scared poor things.

Hope you are ok and your poor lo's.

[alipiggie]

May I join in please. Mamama knows my story. Another one here who is close to finding herself single with two small boys in a foreign country. I do want to stay here. I'm starting to get very very scared. House to find, job to find after 5 1/2 yrs as SAHM. There are moments when I wonder what I did to deserve this - can't find an answer for that one. All I can say is that I have some great friends here who will help me cope with the bad days and I'm sure there will be many. MN will be another source of support. I get so scared sometimes that I don't even know where to start to plan for our future. So sorry MOM that your XH did that to you. Mine on the other hand has said nothing to our boys,that's all been left to me. And no doubt when we finally separate it'll be down to me again. Sending you all my love and support.

[messyoldmess]

I know, GF, it's just thinking of the right way to go about it, without causing DS further confusion & upset.
I have just been trying to reassure him about how he will still see lots of both of us etc, but I don't yet know of the best way of re-telling everything to DS. I don't want him further confused.

[messyoldmess]

Thanks, alipiggie. Sorry you are in a similar position atm. I hope it all works out for you.
I also have some great friends, who are really helping me through all this. My RL friends & my MN friends!

[glitterfairy]

Ask him if he has any questions and let him take the lead. I always found that everything came out but left it up to the kids how much they wanted to know and what they wanted to know. They asked questions which I answered as truthfully as possible without trying to influence them or upset them further.

Mine are older and to be honest asked about every aspect of things. It also helped (funny word I know here) that they saw X be violent and aggressive towards both my ds and me on a number of occasions so they knew perfectly well what X was like. He of course filled their heads with all sorts of rubbish and consistently blamed me but they are not stupid and like all kids work things out for themselves.

[messyoldmess]

I will do, GF. It is so hard though, & now I have had my mum saying she thinks H is right in protecting DS by coming out with the this money jargon & I shouldn't upset him further.
H has never been physically violent, but the boys have witnessed & experienced him being nasty.
It's so hard.

[glitterfairy]

Yes but keep in mind that the truth is a potent weapon and will ultimately make you a better mother and the kids much happier and calmer. They always distrust a liar and they always find out, maybe not now but one day when they are older.

[mamama]

Glitterfairy is right, you need to make sure your boys know the truth, regardless of what your mum & H think. And they need to know that this isn't about money. I'm not sure how old your boys are, messy, but most kids, even young ones, have a feeling when things aren't right.

I suppose I'm lucky that my DS is too young to have any idea what is going on. At least I don't have to explain all this to him (yet).