Suddenly feeling so scared of what's to come.

[messyoldmess]

Things are starting to really move on now. I am trying to get things sorted, view possible houses, think positive etc, but even though I know this needs to move on, I am getting myself in a terrible state of fear thinking of moving house (which is traumatic enough at the best of times!) to start a new & unknown life as a single mother.
I have never lived alone or had to fend for myself before & I am petrified!
Getting myself in a state thinking about it.

[messyoldmess]

Oh don't worry, I will be trying to undo this mess H has installed in DS's head. I am just going to try & make sure I do it as carefully as possible, as I don't want to confuse & upset him more.
My boys are 7 & 3.10 years old. DS2 doesn't really understand much, but DS1 is more aware & is a very sensitive child.
My mum thinks H did right to try & protect DS with his nonsence story & has been giving me a lecture about not causing him further upset.
She feels I am doing the wrong thing in leaving H, full stop, & has had another little pop at me today.

[mamama]

at your unsupportive family.

Good luck with DS1

[glitterfairy]

Messy put your fingers in your ears whenever your mum speaks to you and sing lalalalalalala very loudly! Really she needs a health warning. I have dispensed with my mother altogether and life is bliss (not for the same reasons though but she is euqally unsupportive!)Mamama how are you?

[messyoldmess]

Good idea, GF, I need some way of blocking her out when she starts!
Spoken to DS tonight & tried to tell him what was going on without twisting his head.
He seems to be accepting it quite well atm, the main concern for him right now is leaving this house.

[tribpot]

Oh MOM what a situation they have put you in. Ooh the shock that your parents have sided with H - not. But the dses deserve an answer they can live with, the money thing is just bollocks, frankly.

H has been physically violent. He hasn't hit one of you, but he has broken things, and quite a lot, I think. He thinks his behaviour is acceptable solely because he hasn't actually assaulted you physically. He is wrong.

[messyoldmess]

Yes he has broken things in the past, tribpot, but not for a while now. He calmed that side since my big discusions & his counselling sessions.
It's the temper, nastiness & the controlling side, which hasn't shifted at all.
He says he knows he's been nasty & this is why he hasn't tried to beg me to stay.

I have tried to tell DS what is going to be happening, without confusing & upsetting him.
He seems okay atm. I hope the boys will be alright in all this.

[mamama]

The boys will be fine, messy. Children are surprisingly resilient. You are obviously wonderful with them - they are very lucky little boys.

[glitterfairy]

Of course they will be as they have you. The fact that you are so concerned about them shows how much you care Messy. Remember yourself in all of this though as well. When your abusive H becomes your abusive X he may well continue to bug you and you need to stay strong and be prepared for that. It looks like he is trying to get at you through telling the boys twaddle already so just watch out for him continuing in that way. If they know you tell the truth and look after them they will be fine honestly.

[messyoldmess]

I do care about them loads, but sometimes when my stress levels are high, I'm not a good mum at all, as I can lose it easier than I should.
I am very worried about the effect all this will have on the boys though - it's been my big concern from the start.
Ds seems more concerned about moving from this house than the whole seraration bit atm.
I think I may have a word with his teacher though, just incase this is all getting to him more than we realise.

[pinkbubble]

MOM(hey got it right this time) You know the DC will be fine!!!! They have you and me (to make sure) Please feel free to rattle on as much as you need, because the more you talk about this the more confident you will be!!!!

[mamama]

I think having a word with the teacher is a good idea.

And, the boys will be ok, really. The fact that you are so concerned about them shows what a good mum you are. We all lose it from time to time - that's part of being a parent. It doesn't mean you're not doing a good job though.

They will know you are their mum, you love them and care about them and that you are honest. When they are older they will understand that you had a difficult decision to make and that, although it was very hard, you did what was best for you as a family.

[messyoldmess]

I don't know. I'm getting a bit concerned that DS1 is feeling a bit vulnerable atm, more so than I first thought.
He was wanting to walk around the playground holding my hand today (work in same school) & has told me he is feeling sad about moving. He is worried about not seeing daddy, which I have tried to reassure him about.
Poor DS1, I wish he didn't have to go through this upset.

[mamama]

It will be hard for them, especially DS1, but they'll be ok in the end. It must be very unsettling for him to know he will be moving away from Daddy and not be able to envisage how things will be. It's hard enough to do that as an adult - I'm really struggling with seeing a future myself & I know it's hard for you too. As long as you are there for him and continue to reassure him, he will be ok. It will be hard for him, but he'll be fine. Honest. (My parents split up when I was 7, so I have some idea of what he's going through)

Big hugs to you all. x

[glitterfairy]

If you total up his upset now and for a short time against living with someone who will make you miserable and will probably get more controlling emotionally abusive as your ds gets older you will know that it is better this way messy.

The fact that you are having doubts about it all is part of your grief for your marriage and for a future which you wanted and probably still want just not with this man. It shows you are human and vulnerable and is no bad thing.

Your ds is bound ot be upset and unsettled but I promise if he is anything like my lo's and he has one strong, reliable and honest parent he will pull through no matter what.

[tribpot]

Bless you glitterfairy - she so needs to know that there are positive parenting models out there.

[messyoldmess]

Thanks, glitterfairy - you are obviously a great mum & your children are very lucky to have you.
DS hasn't mentioned much more today, but he is being quite clingy & keeps telling me he loves me, bless him.

[messyoldmess]

Wish H would get off his high horse, where he thinks he knows best, and get himself a solicitor appt!

[glitterfairy]

How are you messy? ALl three of mine have clingy spells and two of them sleep in my room every night. I dont mind as I think that when they are ready they will move out.

H is probably getting worried as it all becomes more real. Is he still wanting to do it all on the internet or through the same solicitor? LOL!

[messyoldmess]

I'm finding things quite hard atm, glitterfairy. Family are all very upset by what I'm doing, DS1 is really starting to play me up now (I know it's probably all related to what's going on, but it's hard) & everything is moving on quite fast around me.
H is going to get himself a solicitor first thing Monday morning. He has little choice now.

[AMAZINWOMAN]

it is scary at first being a single parent. I too chose to be a single parent 7 years ago, even tho i was really scared. people say take it say at a time, but even that was scary! i didnt even know i would get through the day.

although it is hard, i have NO REGRETS!
i feel much stronger in myself, and that is what the kids benefit from! my kids are much more secure and confident-which i dont think they would have been if i had stayed in a poor relationship

i know what your goin through, because i have been there. and i have also got through much stronger

[mamama]

DS1 will be ok, messy. I know I keep saying that but the important thing is that you make sure you are ok.

I know it's scary but I'm glad things are moving a bit more quickly now. At least that means it will be sorted out sooner and you can begin to build a new life.

I wish I could be of some help to you.

{{hugs}}

[glitterfairy]

Messy be strong and remember that the family have not been supportive whilst you started on this road and are not going to change now. There really is no use looking to them for any kind of support so get it here and from friends.

My ds played up for three months or so after X left and was an absolute nightmare but is more settled now and often an angel. Upset takes them all in different directions and it doesnt help when your X is about as emapthic as a chocolate teapot. Many women are tuned in to emotions and so can over feel for their kids at times like these and certainly with mine I was more worried than they ever were.

[winnie]

messyoldmess, this is not what you are doing in. Everyone being upset with you makes me really cross for you. You are finally reacting and acting after putting up with h's sh*t for years. It takes two. This is not your fault, {{{{}}}}

[messyoldmess]

Thank you all for your messages of support.
I am going to have to keep things off board again for now, for the same reasons as before. I shouldn't really have come back using this name.
Thanks to all of you who have helped me through some pretty tough moments - I will be in touch.x

[glitterfairy]

Will email you.