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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Can ex do this?

60 replies

TemporarilyOutOfOrder · 15/11/2014 11:26

After being split up for 2 years my ex is now paying £85 a month for our da. He comes out of work with £250 a week so it's the least he can do. He's insisting on receipts for everything I buy with it and has said its only to be used for clothing and presents for birthdays etc. he never even got ds a birthday present as he claimed that money covered it. I'm not to use it for food, gas or electricity etc. can he do this or is it just another way of him trying to have power over me? He's told me if I don't he will stop making payments.

Tia

OP posts:

DragonsDontFly · 15/11/2014 11:40

No, he can't do this. Child maintenance is to pay for anything that the child will benefit from, including rent, bills etc.

Levismum · 15/11/2014 11:45

He's very controlling.

I would inform in a very calm & without discussion all receipts etc will stop.

Tell him you will be using a formal collection service if he stops payments.

Good luck!

Original poster

TemporarilyOutOfOrder · 15/11/2014 11:57

Thanks, I thought he couldn't but wanted other opinions. He's not very reasonable so can see what's coming I wanted to go through csa in the first place and he persuaded me not too but think that's the way forward now.

OP posts:

AlpacaMyBags · 15/11/2014 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

almosthuman · 15/11/2014 12:06

My ex tried this and needless to say I didn't comply.

Good Luck

bloodyteenagers · 15/11/2014 12:15

Tell him ok you will bill him accordingly.
The child needs clothing, food, toiletries, presents, gifts for parties, plus other bills. Think of an average monthly amount and email him the cost.

He will then disagree with the bills and food. Do all of this in email.
Then query what he is supposed to eat if food isn't included. ask him about how d's is supposed to be clean and have clean clothes if utilities not included. When he protests about rent, ask where is he supposed to live because if rent isn't paid then it's on the street.

Get it all in writing so if you ever need it you have written evidence that he is an arse that would turn a blind eye to his child being neglected.

Original poster

TemporarilyOutOfOrder · 15/11/2014 13:21

He reckons that because I'm getting food etc for myself and my other 2 dc that i dont have to buy any more for ds. Apparently he lives on thin air then he's got ds overnight tomorrow so when I pick him up tomorrow I will tell him that he won't be getting any receipts. Wouldn't mind but he only has him fri to Sunday one week a month, rest of the time it's me providing for him.

OP posts:

NickiFury · 15/11/2014 13:24

These ridiculous men. My ex said this too. Agree it's time for the CSA. He's not doing you a favour by paying for his own child though I have no doubt he thinks he is and has got you thinking that too. There's not a month that goes by when I don't get a rant about how I am "milking" him from my ex because he has to pay CS.

BORE OFF!

LadySybilLikesCake · 15/11/2014 13:26

He's underpaying. He should be paying around 15% of 1k, so around 150 a month (minimum payment). He's currently paying 7.5% of his income or there abouts. Maintenance goes into the pot here and I know I spend far more on ds than his father pays. I'd tell him to take a hike, then get in touch with the CSA or whatever they are called now. He sounds really controlling < for you.

saintsandpoets · 15/11/2014 13:28

Do CSA and tell him to get fucked!

Ijustworemytrenchcoat · 15/11/2014 13:31

That is awful. I would agree he is underpaying you. My ex earns a bit more and the monthly payment is going to be more like £140. There is a calculator on the Child Maintenance Service website.

The new rules brought in recently mean if he will pay into your account there are no charges, if he is unwilling and you go through them he is charged an extra percentage on top. You may have to pay an initial charge to set it up but then you just get the money you are owed.

And no, the money I'd not for 'treats', it is to provide what you said - a roof over your child's head, heat, water, food etc. Spend the money as you see fit.

Ijustworemytrenchcoat · 15/11/2014 13:36

Sorry, there actually is a fee if you use collect and pay: 4% for you and 20% for him. But you will be getting more than what he is currently paying you if he brings home £250 a week after tax and pension payments. The following is copied from the website:

You’ll have to pay a fee each time you make or receive a payment:

paying parents will pay a 20% fee on top of their regular child maintenance payment
receiving parents will have a 4% fee deducted from their regular child maintenance payment

LadySybilLikesCake · 15/11/2014 13:39

See it as 4% is better than nothing and you'll still be better off (and you won't have to provide receipts!)

Jolleigh · 15/11/2014 14:55

Eurgh to these idiotic men. My ex tries to pry into what I spend on DD too. Tell him to sod off and let the CMS deal with him...he's underpaying you too. Be aware, you can show a preference to have CMS collect for you but he can choose direct pay and until he fails to pay you on time, in full, the CMS will honour his wishes.

And once this is set up, let him know that if you so wish, his maintenance payments can be spent on something as frivolous as a holiday. Because frankly, your finances are none of his business.

nochangewanted · 15/11/2014 23:46

You can as I understand still set up agreement through CMS . He can pay directly. If he fails to pay then they collect payments. He my feel more incentive to pay if he knows It is going to cost him an extra 20%.

IneedAwittierNickname · 15/11/2014 23:54

My ex tried something similar once. Only he said the money was only for food. As he didn't believe I was spending it properly he was going to provide my maintenance by way of an Internet shop instead. Oh but it wouldn't be for me too. Only the dc. So I'd stilk have to go to the supermarket. And I couldn't choose what he ordered. He knew how to budget better than me apparently freshfruit and veg are a rip off. Microwave meals are best value for money etc etc.

I told him to fuck off

klog · 15/11/2014 23:54

ridiculous, does he think there'd be change out of £85 a month?!

nochangewanted · 15/11/2014 23:58

oh ineedawitternickname were you not enlightened by such wise words

IneedAwittierNickname · 16/11/2014 00:06

No sadly not nochange I continued to be a bad mum and feed my children real food!
Weirdly though he has told me since that I'm a shit mum and don't feed them properly as I don't make them eat shepherds pie/spaghetti bolognese and don't cook a weekly roast :/ quite a change from micro meals!

ArsenicSoup · 16/11/2014 00:15

Cheeky sod

Chrissy41 · 16/11/2014 17:34

bloody hell I am astounded he thinks this is ok and even more so you nearly went along with it.

No is a complete sentence followed by 'you will be hearing from the CMS' - how very bloody dare he.

TrendStopper · 16/11/2014 22:01

My exh wouldn't even try this shite because he knows that he would be told to politely fuck the fuck off.

Go through the csa/cms and see how he likes it then.

Original poster

TemporarilyOutOfOrder · 17/11/2014 03:55

Well I went to pick ds up and he wasnt happy to see no receipts. Told him I wasn't going to provide any and the money would be getting used for stuff other than clothes and presents such as for gas, food etc. He said if I dont provide him with receipts then he will stop the payments. I told him I was going to apply to child maintenance and he replied if I do he will walk out of work. Hes also told me that I can only let ds stay at my mums when he says for a maximum of once a month! (He doesn't like her because he cant pull the wool over her eyes about what hes really like) needless to say he got told where to go. Ive spent the day seething over his controlling ways I will be making a call to child maintenance options in the morning.

OP posts:

duckwalk · 17/11/2014 04:08

He's being a controlling prick!
My ex tried exactly the same thing with me. If you were to keep receipts for absolutely everything that went towards your dc then it would amount to much more than £85 a month...guaranteed!!!!
My ex said he'd be paying £100 a month towards our dc and not a penny more, even then he grumbled! Turns out after going to the csa he was actually liable to pay over £300 a month!
If your ex wants to walk then call his bluff. If he thinks he's hard done by having to share his cash to provide for his dc then see how he'll get on with lowly benefits.... he'd be on way less than just now! I may be right in thinking he'll not be entitled to a lot of benefits if he's to quit his job as opposed to being sacked or made redundant? But he'll not walk so don't worry.
As for telling you who dc can and cannot see....well done for telling your ex to do one!
Stay strong

Jolleigh · 17/11/2014 09:29

What a knobber OP. Sounds like he's well aware he hasn't been paying you enough. I highly doubt he'll quit his job in order to not give you as much as he should be. Well done.

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