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Help me laugh… whats the most pathetic excuse for not paying child support?

173 replies

converselover · 04/04/2014 10:45

Just had an email… 6 years of arrears, nothing since 2011... a man who earns twice what I do … Apparently he can't pay anything right now because he "needs" a flat in both London and New York he's a bit short on money also he's got to travel to south america this summer and the airfare is really a lot… meanwhile I am struggling to pay the grocery and bills for me and my son.
give me a laugh - is there something worse than this ...

OP posts:
LadyMaryLikesCake · 09/04/2014 12:13

Mine used to gloat at how much overtime he was getting and how much he was earning, he still wouldn't increase it though. It was as if he was sticking to the bare minimum that the CSA had said and that was that. It didn't matter to him that he changed jobs and was earning more money. He didn't pay for a couple of months so that he could pay for his wedding! Hmm

He stopped paying all together after he was verbally abusive to ds and ds didn't want to see him until he'd apologised. He ignored my emails and texts so I had no alternative but to take him to court (he's not in the UK). His accounts were a joke. They were going on holiday every month and were paying for a second home but he told the court that he was broke and couldn't afford more than £30 a week. It wasn't hard to point out the jewellery shop transactions, the holidays, the charity donation (sponsoring a child in the third world when he wasn't paying for his own child to eat), the second home. He'd even put down christmas presents to his family as an expense. He doesn't send ds anything for christmas. It's Ds's birthday today and we've heard nothing from him, not so much as a card. It's just sad that he's screwed his relationship up with his son more than anything but hey, he's made his bed. I'm just concentrating on my son.

paulapantsdown · 09/04/2014 12:40

These deadbeats are a disgrace. I'm sure there are plenty of men who pay their way, but the losers mentioned on this thread should be ashamed of themselves.

I have a friend who has always paid well over what was expected of him for his daughter, paid her pocket money, bought her new clothes every month, paid for holidays and school trips etc. He is still paying her mobile bill and she is 19 now!

This should be the absolute norm I think, and I don't understand a father doing anything less. Losers.

CameronD · 09/04/2014 12:54

My exH transferred all our savings into his personal account and left me ten thousand overdrawn. Ds was a few months old. He went up to London in my car, dumped it at Heathrow and flew to a new life abroad in a country where there's no reciprocal agreement blah blah.

He's never paid a thing for our son, or seen him.

I managed to contact him once and he said that as he had left me 'all his possessions' and our tiny holiday let, (which took months and months to sell, meanwhile I had nothing, was already on long-term sick leave and was traumatised by his disappearance) he had left me well flush.

Don't even know where he is now. I found a photo of him online last year - he's wearing a wedding ring and was on a trip to London, wearing fancy shirts and sitting in restaurants.

My son is gorgeous. Such a merry, handsome and clever lad. I absolutely adore him and we are a very close. He would love to have a dad though...I have never dated a man since and never will.

I would certainly join a campaign to name, shame and force such men into paying.

Remember when Cameron said this 3 years ago: It’s high time runaway dads were stigmatised, and the full force of shame was heaped upon them,’ he added. ‘They should be looked at like drink-drivers. They need the message rammed home to them, from every part of our culture, that what they’re doing is wrong – that leaving single mothers, who do a heroic job against all odds, to fend for themselves simply isn’t acceptable.

...well he did feck all. A bit like the runaway dead-beat dads he talked of.

sezamcgregor · 09/04/2014 13:28

CameronD - what a shit - if he's got married again, surely that's bigamy? Also, could nothing be done about him stealing all of your money?

JaneinReading · 09/04/2014 13:44

Indeed. Camerson has done nothing about it at all. I think a lot of people don't realise how many men are out there not paying and not seeing the children. In our case I paid him and I don't mind he pays nothing but I do think a normal human being would choose to see the children, most of whom he never sees. Certainly never a birthday present or card in over 10 years even though we only split up when the oldest was 18 so it was not as if he was just a brief sperm donor. I wonder why women are prepared to date men like this. I am always put off a man if he doesn't see his children, isn't involved in their lives, doesn't help with homework, lifts, their washing etc .

LadyMaryLikesCake · 09/04/2014 14:15

I imagine it's always the same excuses, Jane. 'She wouldn't let me see my kids. I'm a wonderful father but why should I pay when she won't let me see them?' It's shocking how women fall for it.

CameronD · 09/04/2014 14:35

sezam I managed to divorce him a year later but it was very difficult as had no address to serve the petition etc and of course i had to pay for it all.

I don't know if he had remarried before the divorce but where he went to live is chaotic and corrupt so don't suppose it was hard for him to make up any old story.

As fior the money - both accounts were joint and non signatory so technically he did nothing wrong.

Hmm
JaneinReading · 09/04/2014 15:44

Well they could contact me, these women, to check.
The worst was he had all the money from me, I had over £1m of debt and was paying for all 5 children myself alone, he never saw/sees most of them and even worse at one stage he was using my money to pay the school fees of his lover's child whilst not paying even £5 a week for his own children.

VinoTime · 09/04/2014 16:15

"I can't pay you. I'm with -insert new bits name here- now and I need to help her with -insert new bits daughter's name here-."

I still to this day haven't been able to come up with a witty comeback to this one, because my mouth is still on the ground having landed there six years ago.

"I will get it sorted. I just need some time to get my head straightened out first."

Because having your head jammed so tightly up your arse that no amount of force will ever remove it effects a transfer between your bank, the CSA and my bank, apparently Hmm

"I moved. I can't pay you."

Because payments made through the CSA are effected by physical distance to me, apparently Hmm

"I can't afford that."

You still smoke.

"You're only talking to me because you want money."

No shit Sherlock. Breaking news - little people require more than oxygen to survive.

I gave up with the little turd years ago.

Popplecake · 09/04/2014 16:49

Can exe's actually refuse to pay child support?? I thought the CSA made them pay legally and this was even £1 if they were out of work?

JaneinReading · 09/04/2014 17:03

Yes. 1. If they move abroad (I have a client who moved to somewhere no one can reach him) they avoid it entirely. That is very common. They give up work and find themselves abroad. They go to a country where enforcement is not possible.

  1. They are self employed and their business income is made to look like zero.
  2. If it is £1 you are owed most people would not bother to claim that.
  3. In our case our court order says I pay for the children and their school and university fees as I earned a lot more. I could go to the CSA or what the new body is called and try to get some money. That might risk undoing our settlement. It would be against the court order which says whichever of us the children live with is the one who supports them. I do have a right if I chose to try but x% of not very little has never seemed worth the hassle. I am more bothered about his choosing not to see them than money.
SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 09/04/2014 17:17

My ex didn't need to pay anything because DS had a nice winter coat. I didn't buy the coat, my mum did, but apparently that was no excuse for a toddler having a more expensive coat than his father.

LadyMaryLikesCake · 09/04/2014 18:06

Ok, lets do this. I'll get in touch with Gingerbread to see if they are interested and I'll get some facts and figures together. Then I'll pop and see my MP to see if she can get it raised in the House of Commons. I have some friends in the media too, and can set up a facebook page. How about 'Child Maintenance Avoidance'? It can be hashtagged on twatter to #CMA so it will give people the chance to post all of their Xp's excuses.

There's ways to avoid paying, Popple. People leave the country (seriously), fall off the radar, go self employed (so they can claim to be earning nothing), suddenly become stay at home parents to other children so they don't have an income, some get their employer to fiddle their earnings. These are some that I know of, no doubt there are more.

gallicgirl · 09/04/2014 19:05

Here's a lovely positive story of a father who thought he could hide his self employed income from the CSA to avoid paying child maintenance:

www.echo-news.co.uk/news/local_news/11134998.You_re_shameless__Wealthy_dad_fails_in_appeal_to_dodge_jail_after_not_paying_child_support/

CameronD · 09/04/2014 19:27

Do it Lady. I used to be in the media and would happily do anything to help, though ds has childhood cancer so we are tied up a lot with hospital visits and chemo etc.

One problem I can see arising however is issues around defamation or libel if these men are going to be outed and publicly 'shamed and treated like drink drivers'. But in many cases (certainly mine) it's in the public interest that he is known, and also there is the Truth defence!

LadyMaryLikesCake · 09/04/2014 19:32

I don't think a name and shame would be a way to go but using the RP's experiences may. If public perception is changed then this is a positive thing.

MeepMeepVroooom · 09/04/2014 19:33

I disagree with a name and shame. There is something similar that f4j set up about people who 'blockt contac' and I think it's disgusting. People would abuse it to 'out' entirely innocent men/women during a bitter break up.

Not to mention if it's online your children could easily have access to these sites.

I am all for petitions for enforcement and the like but not posting personal details like that online.

We're better than that ladies.

CameronD · 09/04/2014 19:44

Yes that's what I meant - the danger of people publicly naming men. It would lead to all sorts of trouble in many cases.

So how else could it be managed? The temptation to name an ex Partner, in a red-mist-moment for instance, if there was a FB page for eg, might be too much to resist for scores of knackered impoverished single mothers..

MeepMeepVroooom · 09/04/2014 19:52

Oh 'block contact' even.

I really don't know, the danger with social media is exactly what you say. People would 100% share names. If it was a FB page it would need to be closely monitored to remove names but something like that could quite easily attract thousands and it would be bloody hard to monitor.

There are online petition websites that anyone could start and then share through FB. It wouldn't involve a centralised site but has the benefit of reaching the same audience.

LadyMaryLikesCake · 09/04/2014 19:57

Using people's experiences would be better, like on here. Totally anonymous with a petition. It's not a vigilante quest, just a campaign to highlight the ways in which NRP's are avoiding maintenance, and maybe head towards a change in the law so that they are not allowed to get away with this. It's making their child suffer more IMO, and should be more akin to abuse then how it is now. It's not OK to have a child and then expect the RP or the tax payer to feed and clothe it whilst the NRP buys a house or buggers off on holiday. There's a stigma for single parents too but we're not all after a council house/whatever. A FB page would need to be moderated. If Gingerbread and the other single parent charities were on board then there would be more hands to help and it would be more 'official'. May as well do it properly, it takes a lot of time and effort to change perceptions.

aliciaflorrick · 09/04/2014 20:10

My ex tells me that when he moves in with OW who has two children of her own and claims maintenance from their fathers that he will only have yo pay me half my maintenance because he is supporting her DCs. Is this true? He hates paying maintenance saw the DCs only 22 days last year but has no problem criticising my parenting.

GalaxyAddict · 09/04/2014 20:15

I had a meeting with David Cameron after his bit in the press about absent fathers as he is my MP, I took my then 6 month old DD with me. Three years on & still not a penny from ex, he has no money & paid no tax since 2005 (self employed) yet can still afford 5 holidays a year & £100k on cars.

MeepMeepVroooom · 09/04/2014 20:19

alicia it might not be half (depending on what he pays now really) but yes there is a reduction for when they move in with someone with kids or have more themselves.

Think it's ridiculous personally but I'm afraid it will get lowered. Check the CSA calculator online.

ImAThrillseekerHoney · 09/04/2014 20:21

When I'm queen I'm going to arm the CSA. Partly for the hell of it, and partly to attract a more gung-ho type of recruit.

Monetbyhimself · 09/04/2014 20:22

Alicia yes. The shitty system that currently exists means that he can significantly reduce the amount of maintenance he pats for his own kids because he lives with someone else with kids. There are decent women out there whi wouldn't let a new partner do that to his own kids. But they seem to be few and far between.