Activities on ex's weekend

[smuggler]

Was just wondering if anyone has any experience of their child wanting to do a weekend activity/go to parties on their dad's weekend but him refusing to take them?

My seven year olds father has eow contact and has always refused to allow her to do an activity she's really wanted to do for almost four years or attend birthday parties if they fall on his weekend. In the past I've negotiated swaps for best friends parties but it always comes with a load of grief from him. I'm fed up with being the one to run dd around to parties etc on my weekend while he gets eow uninterrupted with her but doesn't actually do anything with her. Dd is upset that she can't do the activity or go to parties like her friends.

We don't have a contact order in place. The activity is from 10-12 on Saturday mornings. He recently started collecting her from school on Fri. He lives half hour away. I want dd to be able to go to the most important parties and her activity and for him to facilitate that on his weekends. Previously he's said that if dd wants to go to a party on his weekend I have to drive to collect her from his, get her dressed for the party, supply the present, take her to and supervise her at the party, then collect and return her to his. All with my toddler in tow. It's impossible and ultimately ends with me getting the blame for her missing the party.

I'm thinking of saying that he needs to respect dds wish to do the activity and either collect her Fri and return to our town on Sat for it or collect her after the activity and return her to school on Monday instead of Sunday at 2 p.m. as usual. I also want him to listen to dd if there's a party she wants to go to and take her himself. Are these unreasonable requests? If he took me to court, does anyone have any experience of what the outcome might be?

Dd is a strong swimmer and gymnast and wants to train and compete in these as she gets older. Her dad's refusal to support any activities on his weekends means that'd be impossible which I don't think is fair on dd.

If it's really really not physically or financially possible, then that can't be helped and i understand that.

I'm sure an unwilling childminder comes under not physically possible (which I already said I understand). As would a stepparent working or really not being able to manage to juggle the children.

And I never understand this "it's not the stepparents responsibility" thing. It's a constant reminder to me how great my stepparents were. We weren't technically their responsibility but they treated us as if we were the same as their own children. This whole "not my job so why should i" attitude towards stepchildren is so sad.

Monet this thread is not an appropriate place for you to berate Needaholiday about previous threads.

What alarms me, is why you think Needaholiday, or any other step parent, should have to facilitate her step daughter’s dance classes with two toddlers in tow? It’s not her responsibility!!!

So if a step parent has children of her own, she should put their needs aside on account of the dance classes???

Petal02 how many children do you have ?

What 'needs' are you referring to ?

I think I covered that petal when I said "really not being able to manage to juggle the children". If you can't manage, you can't manage. It's all this talk of why should they have to and not a stepparents responsibility. It's really sad. If you could, why wouldn't you want to? Do people only do what they "have to"? Don't people do extra things for their stepchildren because they care about them.

Again, if you really can't manage to take them and get your own children seen to, I understand that. It's all the why should I that is depressing.

I have one stepson. Why do you ask?

Needaholidaynow.

The Monotony thread. On this forum. The one where you were forced to apologise. For being an arsehole. Unless uour DH leaving you to do everything is NOT being a deadbeat dad ?

Need is a perfect example of what I'm saying. Why should she climb the stairs? She didn't make the lessons so why should she?

She probably could if she made the effort but WHY SHOULD SHE?

Iyswim.

Monet for heaven's sake, stop picking Needaholiday to pieces over her previous threads.

What about the wellbeing of Needaholiday's toddlers? What if it isn't good for them to be trailed about on a Saturday morning on account of the dance classes? Are these two toddlers of secondary importance?

You have no children of your own ? So have never had to juggle activities, co ordinate birthday parties for one with football match for the other ? You've never had to prioritise the needs of one child over another on occasion? You've never had to juggle a grumpy toddler whilst the 5 year old needs you to watch their Christmas masterpiece ?

In short, you really don't have a clue. But I don't expect that will stop you from offering your opinion

Needaholiday it's there in black and white. Your unhappiness at your situation is clear in that thread. Your words sweetie. Not mine.

If you really physically can't, I understand that. It's all the blathering about why should I why should I the rp made the plans so why should I that I'm pointing out. I just don't understand that attitude. If you can't, you can't. Just say so. Instead it's all about why should I. It's a bad attitude to have towards stepchildren.

Monet I have no children of my own, but I have a decade of experience of an ex trying to call the shots about what goes on in my household, and whilst we never had to juggle the needs of two lots of children, DH and I both have very full-on jobs, and whilst I realise that work isn't important to you, it's quite important to lots of other people, and if the ex had had her way, DH would have spent a sizeable chunk of his life racing round like an idiot, while she sat at home playing Kitty Bingo.

So I think I'm qualified to have an opinion. If there are certain 'entry criteria' for thread participation, perhaps this should be made clear?

How many step children do you have Monet?

I realise it would be really nice if she could go but - as Needaholiday suggests - you can't have one household that makes decisions which impacts on another household, because it might not necessarily be possible/practical.

Petal you were recently on a step parenting thread posted by an angry stepmum joining in berating her stepchild's mother for refusing to take him to badgers during her residence time. why have you changed your position for this thread?

I think "Why should I" is a fair attitude. Otherwise, what stops the RP booking the child into all sorts of activities on the NRPs contact time? If the RP books it, it's the RPs responsibility and they cannot reasonably expect to make arrangements without agreement that someone else has to adhere to without argument. Some RPs do this to exert control over contact time. It's not a one rule fits all situation and children cannot always come first!

Basgetti - I haven't changed my position. If it's practical and possible for dance/beavers/football etc to be accommodated, then that's great. But I accept this isn't always the case. And on the thread you're referring back to, it didn't sound like there was any valid reason why the boy couldn't go to beavers.

Is it usual for the NRP to work on his contact weekend and therefore leave his child with his partner?
I have read many threads on here where this is deemed to be unacceptable.
I can see how it might be problematical if the parent has no warning or choice about working weekends, but maybe some flexibility here would be worth considering?

OP, is he refusing to take her to her activity because he is working, or because he can't be bothered?

If you want to get anywhere with gymnastics or swimming you have to start at the age of about 6 or 7 and train regularly. If you are in a team, you can't just keep not turning up. Most competetive sports have really strict rules about this; the chance of competing at higher/national level is usually over if you haven't reached the required standard by the age of 16 or 17.

I share lifts with other parents to get to training and competitons - we all help each other out. Maybe you could look at doing this?

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