Activities on ex's weekend

[smuggler]

Was just wondering if anyone has any experience of their child wanting to do a weekend activity/go to parties on their dad's weekend but him refusing to take them?

My seven year olds father has eow contact and has always refused to allow her to do an activity she's really wanted to do for almost four years or attend birthday parties if they fall on his weekend. In the past I've negotiated swaps for best friends parties but it always comes with a load of grief from him. I'm fed up with being the one to run dd around to parties etc on my weekend while he gets eow uninterrupted with her but doesn't actually do anything with her. Dd is upset that she can't do the activity or go to parties like her friends.

We don't have a contact order in place. The activity is from 10-12 on Saturday mornings. He recently started collecting her from school on Fri. He lives half hour away. I want dd to be able to go to the most important parties and her activity and for him to facilitate that on his weekends. Previously he's said that if dd wants to go to a party on his weekend I have to drive to collect her from his, get her dressed for the party, supply the present, take her to and supervise her at the party, then collect and return her to his. All with my toddler in tow. It's impossible and ultimately ends with me getting the blame for her missing the party.

I'm thinking of saying that he needs to respect dds wish to do the activity and either collect her Fri and return to our town on Sat for it or collect her after the activity and return her to school on Monday instead of Sunday at 2 p.m. as usual. I also want him to listen to dd if there's a party she wants to go to and take her himself. Are these unreasonable requests? If he took me to court, does anyone have any experience of what the outcome might be?

Dd is a strong swimmer and gymnast and wants to train and compete in these as she gets older. Her dad's refusal to support any activities on his weekends means that'd be impossible which I don't think is fair on dd.

Needaholiday what an utterly depressing attitude you have. What happens when the little gitl who SHOULD be at the centre of this decides 'she' wants to do a particular activity. She gets no say because you have a huge chip on your shoulder ?

I can see this from both sides to be honest.

ExH who lived 5 minutes away from his first wife did used to take DSCs to the majority of the activities on his contact times. It was always presented as a 'this is what the DCs do' and it's 'their choice' whereas I can see that in a non-separated family there might be a little more mutual discussion and decision-making between adults about what was possible or not prior to agreeing to a DC request for an activity. We did get into difficulties when there was debate about whether one of the DCs did actually want to go. In the end exH agreed to do it though the DC in question did choose to give it up several months later.

Current DH has difficulties as we live 2 hours away so contact in general is harder and weekend activities take out relatively large chunks of family life time which we believe is important for many reasons. However, DH accommodates frequent swaps, we look for a more flexible pattern than a rigid eow if that allows for more activities, sometimes contact is started later, sometimes DH and DSCs spend half the weekend there and half here, sometimes contact is missed. Sometimes DSCs miss their activities and it isn't always due to having something else specific planned but that they haven't had much time with us as a family for a while because of a run of other commitments. Speaking to the DSCs we think they agree this is a reasonable balance but I know their DM does not and also feels they do not. She feels their activities should always take precedence.

We do still worry about it as it is well known that children will say different things to different parents in such situations and we would not want the DSCs to have any underlying resentment that they were telling DH about. So we continue to review the situation.

I'm trying to think if I can offer any constructive advice from a NRP perspective as I do think from what you are saying that your ex isn't being reasonable as the distance is not so great. However, arguing over it too much can just make people entrench their positions. I also think the argument 'it's what the DC wants' can be tricky even if it true. In general parents make decisions for DCs and DCs wishes are accommodated where possible. It is difficult enough to parent and when most rules and behaviour is learnt and managed in a different household then it becomes still harder. If the RP then supports the DC to overrule the NRP (even for reasonable things like this) then it can feel that you are losing any remaining mandate to parent your child. I think this sometimes can lead the NRP to refuse even reasonable requests and the accusations of controlling behaviour start from both sides and the needs of the child get lost somewhere in the middle.

Sorry - any resentment that they were not telling DH about!

I should also say that in both cases the solicitors/cafcass/mediators supported the view that the parent whose contact time it was had the final say. I have a feeling there is case law on this too though from reading other views here it sounds as if the courts can take a variable approach.

Ahhheeerrrrmmmm - slight highjack (sorry OP) Dd's Father has a new and from all accounts lovely new love. She is very good at scaffolding him to be a good Dad and my friends that have stayed in touch with us both say she is pretty much like me but fatter and older (love my friends - LOL). She organises theatre trips, park trips, trips to the zoo etc and DD actually has a blast when she is with her Dad and his lover! The last thing I want to do is to piss her off in any way so I am terribly interested to see step-mother figure thoughts on the clubs issue. I paid for Scouts but the dates so far have fallen on days he has her. The dates are arranged after paying and he had agreed to take her. Am I being a superbitch pain in the arse ex to ask him to take her or at least allow me to take her on his weekends?

Pyjamas
I think as a stepmother I'd find it hard to take offence at you!
Even if she is supporting him, it would still be his decision not hers and if he's agreed then I can't see why that would annoy her. It sounds like you discussed it with him before booking it and he was involved in the decision which makes a world of difference in my opinion.
Why not phrase it as you have and say sorry it's a pain but all the dates have fallen on his contact time and is he still ok with that? DH prefers to sort out transport issues/ go with DSCs himself wherever possible, though distance sometimes makes that silly or impossible. At times it has seemed more intrusive and missing the point if his ex has volunteered to do all the running around as the implication sometimes seems to be that the only issue is he can't be bothered. If he gives a logistical problem as a reason for why one date is difficult then fair enough to offer though.

Oh Winter - THANK YOU.... It is soooo tricky! In the first months of the relationship dd arrived home top to tail in boys clothes and I asked her why? She explained that they had slept at dh's girlfriends place and as it was colder and wetter on the second day gf had lent dd wellies, a coat and warm clothes from her sons wardrobe. I washed everything, put them in a prettyish reusable bag and put a note on a free postcard you pick up around the place "Thank you so much!" and threw it in the bag. When I was at dh's place I saw the note ripped up and in the bin... OUCH!!! It made me realise how very careful I have to be...

Winter: Its not case law you are thinking of but what is contained with Parental Responsibility.

However, there is a case A v A(2004) where PR was reaffirmed and outlined what it meant and what it didn't mean.

In this context, the following applies...

1 Decisions that could be taken independently and without any consultation or notification to the other parent.

• How the children are to spend their time during contact

• Personal care for the children

• Activities undertaken

• Religious and spiritual pursuits

• Continuance of medicine treatment prescribed by GP

3x - yes that was the case I was thinking of.

Pyjamas - your note sounds lovely to me. It may have been in the bin but perhaps it was still appreciated? I have a friend who chucks even birthday cards on the day she gets them. We try to cast the best possible light we can think of on things DHs ex does as better to make a mistake that way than to wrongly take offence.

Bumping for other poster.

From the legal perspective every case depends on the particular facts of a case. With many parenting issues there is no absolute right or wrong, just parents (or judges and CAFCASS officers) with different attitudes doing different things.

A v A was a 50:50 shared residence case and the judge attached a schedule of items in the footnotes of the judgement relating to the exercise of parental responsibility, identifying those items which required mutual consultation and those which could be exercised unilaterally. In other cases different schedules and conditions can be attached to a court order.

The paramount concern is the welfare of children. Sometimes courts will take the view each parent should decide what activities a child does during "their" time. Other times (as posters indicated above) attaching a condition that a parent takes the children to activities is seen better for children.

However good contact for children relies on parents working together, or at least not against each other.Going to court tends to leave parents feel resentful and resistant making working together difficult, if not impossible. So going to court is best avoided when possible. The alternatives are compromise and negotiation or mediation to find a way forward that can work for everyone concerned.

DD is in a team, doing a sport she loves and has done since she was about 8.

Not being able to do this would have had a huge impact on her life. She competes at national level and DH and I support her in that.

I really believe that having a hobby or being involved in a sport/club is a great thing for teenagers and keeps them off the streets and out of trouble.

How sad that one parent would refuse to allow their child that kind of opportunity.

Oh do get back in your box Needaholiday.

I thinks it's sad that again children of lone parents miss out because the other parent (or whoever the working NRP has left his child with) won't take them to an activity they like to do :(

Needaholiday makes a valid point. What if the child's father works on Saturdays? In a 'together' family, I think you'll find that work tends to come first, and you wouldn't expect a man to change jobs (if indeed there were any jobs around) to accommodate a dance class.

Why should this be different when the parents are separated?

I realise it would be really nice if she could go but - as Needaholiday suggests - you can't have one household that makes decisions which impacts on another household, because it might not necessarily be possible/practical.

Flowery I posted before I’d seen your post. Are you suggesting that “whoever the working NRP has left the child with” should have responsibility for taking the child to dance classes? What if it’s not possible or practical for them either?

I'm suggesting that if the dad can manage to find care for his child while he's at work, he could make plans to get his child to an activity they enjoy. If it's really really not physically or financially possible, then that can't be helped and i understand that. It's when people don't make an effort because it infringes on "their time" or a stepparent doesn't want to for the sake of it that it becomes sad.

Flowery it’s one thing to find a child-minder/babysitter, but possibly not so straight forward to find one that can take a child to/from dance classes.

And your comments about “a step parent not wanting to do it” – erm, why should it become the responsibility of the step parent? What if that step parent works, or has children of her own?

Really? Finding care is entirely different to getting a child to an activity. My DC couldn't do after school activities for a long time because I had to work over the afternoon school run and the childminder did not offer a service where she could go backwards and forwards. And that was with me, never mind the RP! Sometimes it just isn't feasible. I think we always forget on these type of threads that we are only hearing one persons side of the story.

I'm fascinated by the vehemence towards NRPs new/current partners on some threads on this board against an idea that it should become the responsibility of the step mother.

As it happens, I take my DSC to a club on my own time but I would not be happy if someone started expecting it of me or dictating what we do with our time.

Children are not going to become damaged if they can't do ballet or football at 6 years old and I'd say that sometimes learning that until we are self sufficient that our world cannot revolve around what we want to do is a healthy lesson to learn. And yes, that goes for unsupportive parents too before anyone suggests it.

Needaholiday. You admit yourself ( on another thread) that your Dh is s deadbeat dad who leaves all if the parenting to you. The huge amount of energy you invest in bitching about his Ex would be better spent on addressing the issues in your own relationship. You have chosen to ignore that advice clearly.

And as for the incredible, unclimbable stairs that create a barrier to this little girl getting to her dance class, I managed to get DD to a first floor dance studio with 2 under 2's in tow. You could ask one of the other parents to take DSD upstairs. Or ask one of them to mind the pram whilst you run upstairs. Or carry the baby, take the toddler by the hand and walk upstairs.

Or you could refuse to consider anybofvthe above and just carry on bitching about the Ex wife. Who is probably breathing a huge sigh of relied that deadbeat daddy is no longer her problem