Activities on ex's weekend

[smuggler]

Was just wondering if anyone has any experience of their child wanting to do a weekend activity/go to parties on their dad's weekend but him refusing to take them?

My seven year olds father has eow contact and has always refused to allow her to do an activity she's really wanted to do for almost four years or attend birthday parties if they fall on his weekend. In the past I've negotiated swaps for best friends parties but it always comes with a load of grief from him. I'm fed up with being the one to run dd around to parties etc on my weekend while he gets eow uninterrupted with her but doesn't actually do anything with her. Dd is upset that she can't do the activity or go to parties like her friends.

We don't have a contact order in place. The activity is from 10-12 on Saturday mornings. He recently started collecting her from school on Fri. He lives half hour away. I want dd to be able to go to the most important parties and her activity and for him to facilitate that on his weekends. Previously he's said that if dd wants to go to a party on his weekend I have to drive to collect her from his, get her dressed for the party, supply the present, take her to and supervise her at the party, then collect and return her to his. All with my toddler in tow. It's impossible and ultimately ends with me getting the blame for her missing the party.

I'm thinking of saying that he needs to respect dds wish to do the activity and either collect her Fri and return to our town on Sat for it or collect her after the activity and return her to school on Monday instead of Sunday at 2 p.m. as usual. I also want him to listen to dd if there's a party she wants to go to and take her himself. Are these unreasonable requests? If he took me to court, does anyone have any experience of what the outcome might be?

Dd is a strong swimmer and gymnast and wants to train and compete in these as she gets older. Her dad's refusal to support any activities on his weekends means that'd be impossible which I don't think is fair on dd.

I think your suggestions are perfectly reasonable. Why on earth not do the sat am activity with her? He sounds very difficult.

Purely anecdotal, but might interest you, husband's ex used to hand over any party invitations with the children on pick up so he had no choice but to get them dressed up, present and card etc for their sake . It was a bit of a rush sometimes with no forewarning, but they never missed out.

In my experience, court did say that NRP should try and maintain/ facilitate activities and parties as much as possible - and that was when DSD was only 4. Our issue was that there were 4 activities a weekend (tennis, stagecoach, ballet, gymnastics) which we thought was too much at that age plus they were all a minimum of 30 mins drive away. Which really limited our weekend time with her. Again - poss ex trying to keep control??
Anyway now DSD is 8, does far fewer activities by choice and we live closer so not so much of an issue. But in a nutshell court and contact order would prescribe NRP take her to activities - especially at 7yrs old when friends and social groups are so important.

surely it is about the child not whose weekend it is or isn't? if the parents were together would the DC go? to me if the answer is yes, both parents should do the best they can to make sure that just because they aren't together the DC doesn't suffer. maybe this is an idealised view and I'm only recently separated but it's certainly one I hope my stbexh and I will do for our dcs.

To play devils advocate OP........ What if your child requested to do an activity to dad that was every Tuesday and nearer to his home and he paid for it? Would you change your plans to accommodate it also????? What if it was at the weened too but nearer his home and he paid would you take your child to the activity she had requested on your time? If you can answer yEs then obviously great and you should peruse ex to sort this out but if you wouldn't then maybe you need to accept his answer!

It's not just the NRP's time, or the RP's time. It's the child's time and what they want to do should carry some weight against what the parent wants to do. Whether the NRP likes it or not, the child has a whole life going on outside their contact time and it's not really fair for them to be expected to just drop that as and when it suits the parent. But hey, if any NRP feels otherwise they risk alienating the child and if they choose to do that it says plenty about how much they really value that time.

Sharp lily that also goes for the resident parent. They have to accept they have a life with the NRP also! As I said before dh is NRP but not by choice. DSD has a life with us too. If we have plans on our weekend with DSD then they come first! The OPs daughter is still young and so it's up to the parents (both) to make decisions and that means compromise and negotiations. That works better when demands are not made....... Try to find a compromise.

If we have plans on our weekend with DSD then they come first!

That's fine. You may find the child is less than impressed with that attitude in time.

If it were just smuggler who wanted these things it would be a different matter, but it sounds like it's the daughter who has a problem with missing out just as much as the mother. Surely the NRP, in any such case, should take that into account? Because it says quite a lot about them if not (and none of it good).

Thanks for all the replies.

Probably should've mentioned in the op that dd has suffered with selective mutism until recently so I feel social events like parties are very important for her and missing them encourages her mutism when she can't join in the conversation at school. Similarly, with the activity - she's just started talking there and loves it, I feel allowing her to extend it to Saturdays is in her best interests.

If there was an activity near ex that dd wanted to do at a weekend I'd let her, absolutely. There actually was an additional gymnastics class there and dd asked ex if she could go and I said I'd take her on her weekend with me too but ex said it was too intrusive on their time. Realistically, in the past year she's been able to tell me of two days out they've had. The rest of the time all she can do is list the 8+ films she's watched over the course of the weekend or say she's been left with his mum while he's gone out.

Bonkerz I disagree that dd is being demanding by asking him to spend 3 hours of the weekend dedicated to her. If there were an event like a christening, wedding, birthday etc then of course she could miss it but to insist she stay with him because it's 'his time' is just selfish IMO. I think it's sad that he doesn't want to get involved with taking her to the activity but demands he gets tickets so he can take credit for her performance in the annual show. Similarly, I find it sad that he hasn't met any of her friends and this way never will. I love seeing her at parties and don't see why he cant encourage her life here instead of only acknowledging her existence when she's with him.

Sharplily THE cHILD is now a very happy well rounded 12 year old with a very grown up attitude who understands her time here with dh and I and her step siblings is just as precious as her time at her mums home. She understands she sees her friends EVERY DaY and only sees us 2 days and therefore organised her life accordingly. She very rarely changes plans but if she asks and we can accommodate we do.

That's great, Bonkerz. Like I said, in time...

I disagree that dd is being demanding by asking him to spend 3 hours of the weekend dedicated to her
Quite - it's called 'being a parent'.

it's a big issue. isn't it? We've never been able to resolve it. My ex blows hot and cold with it - sometimes he takes them, sometimes he doesn't. I never commit to anything without asking him first and have thrown out invitations as soon as I've let the mum know so they forget all about it. And I think, for the most part, they do forget. I always send the present wrapped and with a card if it's a party and copy him into details of other activities if appropriate.

I should say that my ex's expectation is that the children' don't miss out, just so long as the not missing out occurs on my time! I find this frustrating because I too would like uninterrupted weekends with them but much of the time (as we have three children) there is something going on that involves me giving up 'my' time with at least one of them. I struggle to see why he can pick and choose at giving up his time - especially as he never actually seems to do anything with them other than take them to the park (if he manages that). But I guess that's his responsibility and that's what we have to remind ourselves of!

Bonkerz you make it sound as though you make your dsd feel guilty she's only there for two days. Surely yourdh sshould've asked for more contact if he/you are concerned about how little time there is with dsd rather than she insist she misses out? Similarly in my situation, dds father chooses to only have her eow all year round when he could also have her midweek or in holidays if he wanted more time with her.

Sounds familiar, mumandboys. I couldn't take dd to a party once as had such bad sinusitis that I couldn't open my eyes enough to drive and so asked ex to take her. He ranted about how I should be taking her on my weekend and she shouldn't miss out, but said he wouldn't help 'me' out

Sounds familiar, mumandboys. I couldn't take dd to a party once as had such bad sinusitis that I couldn't open my eyes enough to drive and so asked ex to take her. He ranted about how I should be taking her on my weekend and she shouldn't miss out, but said he wouldn't help 'me' out

No guilt here dh has her as much as he can. She lives a 2 hour round trip away. We meet half way every Friday and drop back half way every Sunday night. We have her for feb and oct half terms and half summer and Easter and Christmas holidays. Due to school we cannot have her any more than that!
I suppose we have been lucky in that for the last 10 years we have had a very good relationship with DSDs mum and have worked together in the best interests of DSD whilst taking into account the needs of our other children and own time constraints too. DHs ex accepts the double life DSD has and most importantly DSD doesnt question it because it is just accepted.

Serobin it is that simple in my daughters case. He could have holiday contact instead to make up time missed due to activities and parties in term time but chooses not to. Bonkerz I apologise for my incorrect assumption.

He's 40. I feel he sees her to keep up appearances with his friends and family to be honest. Otherwise I can't understand why he never speaks to her in between contact, never asks how she is, won't let her discuss her life with me, never sees her in the holidays - besides christmas day when he insists he has her. I have no hostility towards him personally, we've been separated for five years and the past is the past afaic. I do resent him for how he treats dd though. I don't vent to him or her.

Smuggler - Even though NRP's may spend less time with their children, it doesn't follow that they love them any less. The time they spend together is precious. When you suggest a weekend activity, the message that might be conveyed is that you view the activity as being more important than the parenting the father has to offer. Am not saying that's the case, just suggesting that is how the action might be perceived. From your daughter's point of view, I suggest that it is parents not working together that is the real issue rather than the activities.

It might be an idea to try and involve the father in the child's wider life. Does he attend parents evenings, school events etc? In terms of weekend plans...perhaps the way to go is to make the suggestion and see if it can be discussed? Would offering additional replacement contact work?