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Ok, I am going to need your help with this one....... any advice or experience would be welcomed.

310 replies

NamedAfterCbeebies · 29/06/2006 18:12

I have had to change my name incase this does go the way that I think it might well do and I dont want anything that I say on here to be dragged up at a later date.

I am hoping that you will all know who I am but please do not use my other name (which I will keep for other threads) and do not refer to anything that could give me away to anyone that could be reading this and shouldnt be iykwim.

It has been 3 weeks since H moved out, and we have tried to keep it very nice and friendly. But I think I have been very guliable and to trusting. We agreed that H would have the children on his days off (he works 4 days on and 4 days off) I thought that this arrangement was more than fair and that it was also the least painful solution.

H has been telling me over and over that he wants to work things out and that he will continue to provide for us all etc, which is why, although I went to the CAB I havent put the whells in motion with regards to CSA and IS.

Anyhow, H booked some time off work. He has had the boys since Thursday, which is coming up to a week. Obviously more than his 4 days.... But, on questioning him about it he replied "Well you said when Im not working they will be with me..." which I did, but I didnt specify about holidays etc. I thought that it was fine, he could have them for longer, they are his children too.

Anyhow, My mil has decorated a bedroom for them, I havent seen them for more than half an hour every other day for a few days now. H has stopped bringing them round, Mil keeps putting the phone down on me..... H ame round today alone to talk and has admitted that they want to keep the boys with them. His mom is mainly pushing for it. H has said that he wants whats best for the children - ie, living with me as his work shifts mean it would be impossible to care for them full time... but that his mother would be able to help with childcare.

I dont think he is able to stand up to his mother on this, and deep down I dont think he wants too. He enjoys having his children with him.

As they are in his care atm, I cant just go round and demand them back, he has as many rights as me. I keep suggesting that he brings them over here but he finds ways around it - suggests trips out etc. He wants to keep them 'staying with him' as if they were in my house then I could just say that they wernt leaving again.

I have been so stupid trying to keep things nice. He has changed the last week, stopped trying to win me back, stopped calling etc, basically backed off. I think his mother and him have decided between them that they want residency of the children.

What can I do? They are with him atm and what if he decides to keep it that way? This is not something I ever considered he would think of doing, and I know its mainly down to mil.

Any advice greatfully recieved. Thank you.

OP posts:
saadia · 01/07/2006 09:42

Good luck, just keep being nice to H and then get the kids home and do not let them go with him again. Would your brother be able to stay over or come over on Sunday?

mummyhill · 01/07/2006 09:47

I am fairly certain you have plans for Sunday lunch. You don't need to tell H where you are going just that it has actually been arranged for some time now and that you don't want them to miss out.

Look after yourself.

HappyMumof2 · 01/07/2006 10:09

Message withdrawn

NotQuiteCockney · 01/07/2006 10:11

Either none of you should be there when your H reappears to take the kids, or only you should be there. Don't let your kids be there, and hear things they shouldn't.

And before H takes them again, make sure you have some sort of written agreement?

edam · 01/07/2006 10:12

I've no idea how to change a lock, sorry, but couldn't you just buy bolts for both doors so at least he can't get in while you are in? Or would that not work? Or there must be some DIY forums on line where it would tell you how to change the locks.

Do you have anywhere else you could stay once you've got the kids back - your mums, or a friends, so he can't come round to the house and create merry hell?

God, I really feel for you. Hope today works out and you get a good solicitor on Monday.

QueenEagle · 01/07/2006 10:14

Good Luck for today - keep smiling through it and stay strong. Cheerily say to H that you'll see him tomorrow lunch as arranged so he doesn't suspect anything is up.

tbh it's pretty low of him to do this - surely he must realise how upsetting this would be for the kids, but then again if mil is the driving force you need to be very careful as she sounds dangerous to me. By that I mean she is clever and manipulative and she will be very tricky to deal with.

Make sure you have someone with you when H tiurns up expecting to take them back. And don't be afraid to call the police if things get hairy.

Thinking of you.

edam · 01/07/2006 10:42

Could you be out of the house when H turns up? Obviously leaving him a text message or something so he's not panicked about where the kids are, but just avoid him?

flutterbee · 01/07/2006 10:46

I can't believe the way this is turning out, I really feel for you. Your mil is a real bitch and a cuniving one at that.

I would ask your brother if he would take them out tomorrow and you will call them when its OK for him to bring them home. If he can't I'm sure there must be an MNer in the area who would be happy to help.

When explaining to DH tell him you are uncomfortable with the way things are going and mention the comments that have been made by mil in the past and the conversation you had with ds on the phone. Tell him you want him to play a full part in bringing them up but you want it done officially as you feel that that is what is best for the children and as there mother you have to put them first even if it meens upsetting h and his family. Ensure him you will get it sorted out as quickly as possible and if he works with you on it he will be able to have the kids in no time.

This way you are being grown up and sensible and leaving the ball in his court.

Good luck today and have fun putting the ds's to bed once again. Let us know how it goes and keep in touch tomorrow. I'm always happy to chat to you if you need some support, just let me know and I shall send you my e-mail or phone number.

NamedAfterCbeebies · 01/07/2006 11:15

They are here atm

We are playing happy families, we've unwrapped birthday pressies etc and we are just getting ready to go out now. H is in a very good mood, which is good for me but he hasnt talked to his mother yet (about not being rude to me etc) so I am very wary of having to see them all today especially as here friends will be there and she likes to show off in front of them iykwim.

Tommorrow, I have lunch plans with an mn meet up, which im looking forward too. DS1 is coming with me and ds2 is going to MY moms as she hasnt seen him for ages either. I renminded H of this and he says thats ok and that he can always get them in the evening. Its looking better and better for me atm - but he is hasnt mentioned the change of plans to his mother yet, so fingers crossed.

Kids seem happy to be home, they are eating their way through one of H's bday pressies lol

I am so glad to have them here, suddenly, the getting constant drinks, changing nappies and dull stuff that ive moaned so much about in the past doesnt seem so bad.

OP posts:
Pruni · 01/07/2006 11:20

Message withdrawn

glitterfairy · 01/07/2006 12:07

Yep be careful adn take care of yourself. Smile and keep it all in. I agree that they shouldnt be there when he comes tomorrow. AS for changing locks couldnt your brother do it for you this evening when he babysits?

NamedAfterCbeebies · 01/07/2006 13:34


I have them

It didnt go to plan, big arguement, I took them and ran.

We are home now.

They are mad.

Need to get locks changed asap dont no how

Kids didnt want to go they are very upset.

Oh shit. Am panicing now.

OP posts:
Amanda1 · 01/07/2006 13:37

Message withdrawn

NamedAfterCbeebies · 01/07/2006 13:40

He has a key though. What if they all come round and just take them back? I cant leave my keys in the door cause the kids would escape.

You know when you get that sick feeling in your stomach? Seriously I dont know what to do. Im reading all your advice and its not going in all i can think is arrrgghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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ScoobyDooooo · 01/07/2006 13:45

Have you got any friends you can go to right now? If i was you i would call a friend get them to pick you up or get to there house somehow, try to get to homebase or somewhere & buy a screw on bolt lock for the time being until you can change the lock is there no male you know that could come & change the lock for you?

flutterbee · 01/07/2006 13:45

OK don't panic, what was the argument about?

Get youreself down to the local hardware/b and q shop and buy a bolt. All you have to do is screw it into the door/wall and hey [resto they can't get in.

Did I mention don't panic.

ScoobyDooooo · 01/07/2006 13:46

honestly i have one of those screwed bolts on my front door because ds is an escapie just make sure its a chunky one then even if forced it will not come open.

NamedAfterCbeebies · 01/07/2006 13:49

I tried to phone my friend but there is no answer. Havent got a clue how to do the lock thingy, thing is, I dont want to have to take the kids out the house today, I will have to walk them right past the carnival if i do - which is where H and his family all are - and I dont want to lose the kids again, Ive only just got them back! Is it worth the risk to get to the hardwear shop? What he gets here before I get back?

I dont have any friends houses to go to am pathetically short of friends! I used to spend alot of time with bil and sil, until recently.

I was thinking of calling fil as he is the most reasonable and explaining calmly and rationally whats happening, might help calm things down if everyone knows where they stand?

OP posts:
NamedAfterCbeebies · 01/07/2006 13:50

Oh, arguement was about the fact that mil totally refused to acknowledge me, turned her back on me, muttered about me under her breath and was generally rude, kept asking H why he was here with me etc. Then I decided that I wasnt going to be treated like that so told H to go sort it out but he said no cause hes a knob and said kids wernt going to be around his poisenious mother any longer etc and it went fromt here

OP posts:
QueenEagle · 01/07/2006 13:53

NACB - under these circumstances do not trust FIL. Blood is thicker than water and fil will not want to incur the wrath of his wife if she is as bad as you have said. PLEASE DON'T - he could be all nice to your face and then screw you over.

ScoobyDooooo · 01/07/2006 14:00

Blimey this is a hard one, Where do you live what part of the country is there anyone on mn that can help, i live in the south-east are you nr me as i am sure my dp would help out with your lock?

NamedAfterCbeebies · 01/07/2006 14:08

Too late QE, have just refreshed and have already just spoken to Fil

According to him, they only know that I kicked H out over something trivial and they are very angry for with me for it (he was very polite on the phone and i cried ) He said that he doesnt want to interfer and I mentioned that when I phoned his house to speak to H or the children I got a very nasty reception, he said that I couldnt expect bubbly chat.

He said he wants us to work it out but doesnt know if I can ever really be a part of their family again. I said I was only aware of what H had told them through what he tells me and I am not calling him a liar but he must remember there are 2 sides to every story and that he was only getting one of them, and that maybe he should speak a little more to H before disowning me completely.

I didnt mention that id told H that the children were not visiting there house anymore.

My one mnner friend in RL is the one ive already tried to call, have also texted but i think he is busy.

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 01/07/2006 14:19

Good lord, this is terrible, I'm so glad you've got them. Can't you just call a locksmith NOW and get them to come and change the locks? The risk is that h and his horrible mother will come in and try to take them otherwise.

WideWebWitch · 01/07/2006 14:19

Really, please, call a locksmith NOW

NamedAfterCbeebies · 01/07/2006 14:24

Am looking in yellow pages for locksmith.

OP posts:
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