Facing pregnancy alone?

[thedogsrolex]

There seem to be quite a few threads lately posted by women facing pregnancy alone for whatever reason. I was thinking maybe it would be a good idea to have one ongoing thread for support and advice...what do you think? I know it would have helped me way back when I had dd? (apologies if there is already one, I haven't come across it).

[Lostandlonely111]

Flumpy I'm in exactly the same place. Now I've told him I accept it's over and will move out after his 2 weeks paternity, he's being super nice. We went to the cinema last night and had a really nice time. He's offered to stay in and cook dinner tonight which he never does on a Friday. But then he'll tell me it's just cos he wants me to be happy.

I've just emailed and told him to go out. I said I don't want him to be here out of pity or to do the right thing.

I just can't understand how they can think the single life would be so much better than a brand new baby and a family.

[Flumpy2012]

Poor you, it sounds so similar!

I console myself thinking he probably doesn't want me back but he just wants to ease his guilt because he knows what he's done is really shitty

It's not even the single life for my XP his son lives with him, so he's a fulltime parent anyway and his son means everything so how can he bear to be apart from this child?!!

I'm just waiting to see what happens when she is born, trying not to get my hopes up and just go with the flow.

They get off on our need for them so I'm trying not to be needy. They hate the loss of control, thy know we hold all the cards as to how much contact they get with the child.

Are you having him there at the birth?
I'm hoping my XP being there will shock him into manning up but who knows

[Lostandlonely111]

I know, it's good to hear from someone in the same place, though I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Yes, he's going to be there for the birth, and I'm hoping it will make something click for him. But then I worry he'll just love the baby and not me.

[Flumpy2012]

I worry the very same thing and that if he ever came back it would be for her and not for me.
I miss DSS but I'm not ready to see him again yet as I'm scared XP will just cut them both off again

It's so hard.

How far along are you?
30 weeks here and wishing the weeks would go faster! x

[Lostandlonely111]

Well, he replied and said I shouldn't be on my own when I'm about to drop. I said I wanted someone who wanted to be with me and wasn't wishing they were someone else. Nothing since then, I have to face facts that he really doesn't love me anymore and I think I'm going to try and avoid him as much as possible

Am 39 weeks today so really hoping it doesn't go much longer.

[Flumpy2012]

Omg wow you're so close and he left you now?!
If there's anything at all I can do just pm me, even if you're jut scared or anxious or want someone to chat to. I had major twinges the other eve and found out I'm 2cm dilated but mw said just to rest and people can stay that way for weeks so I'm hoping it does! It's way too early and the thought of DD being premature is terrifying.

Sending you huge hugs xxx

[Lostandlonely111]

Thank you hon, he's not been great through the whole pregnancy but I never thought it would come to this.

You should def be taking it easy at the moment too. Are you working?

Hope you have a nice night with him tonight anyway. Hugs right back at ya x

[Flumpy2012]

We were The same. From the moment of conception things went down hill before we even knew! It just got progressively worse. We tried for a year but you wouldn't think it from his face when we found out! It's just been a roller coaster.

Oh I'm already suspicious of him tonight as he's late apparently because he needed to get changed - but he still has clothes here?!

No not working, I write freelance and make bunting but I'm tailing it off now but it's not taxing.

I think the most daunting prospect is being tied to someone for the rest of your life through a child when that other person has hurt you so much but you have to face them. I'm constantly trying to be bigger, wiser, stronger and kinder (cbt mantra) but its bloody hard. Nt getting angry and not rising to the bait of an argument, just going with the flow.

Have you guys thought about relate or do you have an IPPS service? xx

[Lostandlonely111]

Jeez, it's an identical situation!

We did have 2 sessions of Relate, the first of which he turned up really late too. At the second the counsellor suggested he might benefit from counselling on his own and after that he decided not to go anymore...

He's come home now, tried to comfort me but I just told him it's not a good idea. He's offered to go out for a walk and stay close but that will just mean the pub so now we're in separate rooms.

I don't know how I'm going to face seeing him all the time once the baby's born. And I'm sure he'll be one of those guys who meets someone and gets married straightaway which will just be devastating.

Bring on our beautiful babies!

[Flumpy2012]

I feel exactly the same!! I have to say you're doing the hard bit now though, I have no idea how I got through the first month. I came on here as in real life I could barely string a sentence together. He changed his number, ignored emails and refused any contact. I was a mess, I couldn't sleep or eat or anything. I called the Samaritans in the middle of the night.

All I can say is it does get easier. And actually letting things go and not wasting any energy on anger and looking back and wishing you could change things is the best advice I can give you.
He's done horrific things but there's no point getting hung up on it because I ant change them and neither can he, just have to move forward.

We did relate. I think his words were our problem is that one of us wants this and one of us doesn't - great! I was distraught especially after we agreed to work on things to be a happy family.

It's not about is anymore though, it's about DD and everything I'm doing now is for her to be the best mum I can.

Bring on the babies!!! Please please keep us posted I'm excite for you!! What are you having?! xx

[NotGeoffVader]

Just checking in to see how everyone is...

[angelelle]

hi everyone, had a sweep earlier and am 1 cm dilated, woo hoo. I cant believe I am 9.5 months pregnant, am sooooo done now with it. Please let me go tonight!!!

Just reading flumpys post about letting go. I feel like I am kind of, after 9 months of pregnancy, there. I hope!! Just in time for focusing on my daughter.

I buckled yesterday and sent him a text. Being a bit fascetious (sp?) but basically I said 'do you think I am an elephant'? referring to the fact that I am two weeks overdue and he is well aware of my due date (although conveniently forgotten probably). Anyway, felt very calm about things last night and very detached. Like it didnt matter anymore. Realised it is all about him and his problems and he is not going to make me feel bad anymore.

So this morning I had an answer saying simply 'does that mean I am a dad'

First time he has used the word dad and honestly, it made me feel really odd. I suddenly felt like NO, I dont want you to use that word, you dont deserve it after 9 months of silence, I dont want you to come and invade our little world.

So after 9 months of wanting him back I now want him to disappear, lol.

Oh well, in 2 days I will hopefully be a mum (induced on thurs) and I guess time will tell what he does.

Good luck to everyone else about to pop!

[skyebluezombie]

ooh Angel - exciting!

and no he isnt a dad, a dad is a man who spends time with his child...... he is the biological father at this point!

Good luck for the birth, I hope all goes well and that you soon have bubba in your arms :-)

[Pickles77]

Hi everyone just wanted to wave and check in. DD is five weeks now, I've finally let go and moved on.
Ex sees DD a little bit and pays a bit.
I love being a mother and I can now say cling on to the tiny newborn stages, she's changing so much everyday

[skyebluezombie]

hiya Pickles!! lovely to see you

glad you are doing ok, glad you are starting to move on. glad that ex is seeing DD - on your terms hopefully and that he is paying too....

You have done well and you are still doing well. xx

[Pickles77]

He is paying
and I've met someone.
Friend of a friend of a friend. Single parent, lovely man, early days, knows everything. Makes me feel like a Queen. I needed it to make me realise how bad I'd been treated.

I know you won't judge but you may be but honestly my eyes are open me and DD come before anything.

Hope your well Skye, can't get used to the name !!

[NotGeoffVader]

How nice to see some positives coming out in this thread :)

Had a trying day with DD today and made the mistake of letting her sleep because she was tired this afternoon. Guess who's still up and wide awake? Have said crossly that she can't have any naps tomorrow because over the last week it's been getting later and later that she goes to bed, so we eat later and later, and go to bed later and later...and I'm knackered!

[skyebluezombie]

lol. its only a Halloween thing, will change it back soon.

Ive just put my judgypants on and ........ actually no, Im not the sort of person to judge, or at least I try not to....... as long as you are happy and have your eyes wide open.

Nobody wants to see you get hurt Pickles as you have been hurt enough. But Im glad you have a bit of support and something nice in your life to look forward to at the moment.

[Pickles77]

Thank you, I have come this far alone and I know I can carry on but taking life as it comes. Everyday is another step. More steps forwards than back right now.
Have started CBT now too, realised this isn't about my ex its about me being a mother and being myself. I am learning to find myself again and it's amazing actually to be me.
My friend is having the same problem with naptimes but found cutting out the naps meant her LO got overtired then as her DD is scared of missing everyone! I'm looking at DD now I can see us having nap issues as she loves her sleep!!!

Sending hugs to all xx

[skyebluezombie]

I never had a routine with DD. I didnt want to be tied to the house at certain times, so she just went to sleep when she was tired, no matter where we were. That meant that I could carry on with life as i wanted, go shopping, visit friends, do some courses etc.

My friend had a rigid routine where her DD went down in her cot every day at 10am and 2pm.

Its very much each to their own really and you need to do whatever works for you.

I hope the CBT helps you. my counselling has helped me a lot, although Ive been having a real dip again as tomorrow would have been our 7th anniversary. But like you say, nowadays its more steps forwards than back, which is good for you and good for me

[Pickles77]

Skye your doing amazing you know! I've found your advice and guidence amazing.
You know your strong, and yes it may be that significant 7 tommorow but I know there's someone out there that will give you a hell of a lot more than 7, they will give you a lifetime. Because that's the least you deserve.
I'm not in a routine at the minute as such as she is so young but she does a 11-1 nap, 3-5 nap, 6.30-8.30 nap. 10pm feed, sleeps til 3, up at 6, then I normally wake her at 9.30.
She never cries... It's so so odd. She loves sleep, and beaming at me, she's put on 1lbs 6 in a week n a half so she loves food too!!

[skyebluezombie]

thanks Pickles. Its nice to know I can help somebody else, even if I dont take my own advice . My counsellor reckoned that i would make a good counsellor. Maybe its something I should look in to one day.

When Dd was a baby, she slept with the ounces of formula lol, so 2 oz she slept 2 hours, then 3oz she slept 3 hours and so on lol. It was several months before she slept right through the night. i wish I had written it all down now, as I cant remember any more! I remember when she stretch out to 6 hours it felt like heaven lol. Feeding her at midnight and thinking yes I can sleep till 6am! I did all the feeds too, as STBXH drove for a living, and I didnt want him being tired at the wheel, so I did all the feeds Sunday to Thursday, sometimes Friday and he would do Saturday so i got a break (if he woke up...).

DD rarely cried unless she had colic, then we would both cry, lol.

I hope that I do meet somebody nice again one day. My Spaceman Fish is still interested, wanted me to go to the park with him and his girls today. I didnt go. maybe I should have. I dont want to lead him on, but Im just not ready for a relationship either.

[angelelle]

Bloody hell, dont know how pickles got on the computer so fast after giving birth but KUDOS!!

My daughter is now 5 days old and I feel barely human, everything I thought would happen to me during labour was thrown out the window. Induced, epidural (I screamed the hospital down once they put me on the drip) and in last few minutes emergancy forcepts in theatre. Was so drugged up I couldnt hold her for an hour. Had episiotomy and now just found out today I have an infection downstairs!! Am pretty much imobile due to that so imagine trying to feed and put to sleep a newborn on your own when not being able to move!! Oh and she has colic and hasnt pooed for 3 days and cries most of the night!!

On the plus side....she is beautiful. I mean she is the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen. I would have split a&#hole to earhole for her and not regretted it one minute. I can just watch her for hours! Love her to bits and actually she has been really good today, waiting for mother of all poos to ease the tummy pain which should make her settle.

OK so on the the 'father'. Sent him a text I was being induced and got nothing. Sent a text after she was born informing him of arrival, sex, length, weight.

I got a 'thats nice, glad everything went well', er no! everything did not go well. I did not answer his next three text which all said the same. Glad everything went well. No congrats or what is she called or anything like that.

Then 24 hours later I got a text saying 'what are you calling our precious one'. Total mindfuck here...why using the word 'our'. When I was pregnant I was solely responsible for this problem.

I told him I had not yet decided and would send photo and name when decided. He tried to angle to be part of making a choice of name but I didnt fall for that one!!

Sent me another text late sunday night saying ' where are the photos of the pretty one'.

Then it struck me, he has not called her daughter yet...hmmmm

Sent three photos with her details again and name choice, not emotional but saying I thought she was gorgous and that I saw both mine and his dad in her and that she was perfect etc.

This is what hurts the most, he has not answered this email, nothing..no nice name choice or yes she is really cute!! Which was nice...

I did however get one sms which said, relieved you didnt pick a white trash name...like hello, what has that got to do with things!!

Anyway, glad he is not here as he is such a controlling perfectinist he would not be able to handle my shredded vagina or that i am hobbling around with my breast hanging out, lol. In his world I should be down at the gym already.

Anyway, that is my story, will try to update regularly as I can. I love her to bits and would go through the heartache ten times over. His loss. How can you see youself in someone and not love it.

I think the fact he can not call her daughter nor has commented the photos shows he is still in some kind of denial but not my problem anymore.

xxxx

[skyebluezombie]

Sorry you had a rough time, can sympathise , was induced, on drip, epidural wore off..... Anyway .....

Congratulations on the birth of your DD. Do not give him head space. Make the most of these precious days with your DD. xx