Everytime I have to have an interaction with my ex he makes a whole fricking song and dance

[fluffythevampirestabber]

No doubt many of you have read the tales on here of my ex and the lovely ways he has to wind me up.

But I've ended up not able to sleep because of him last night - and I know this is minor and I know I have to just deal with it. But - how do you get over when the other parent keeps doing something you have asked them not to?

He's claiming that it all "just happens" and he's not doing it to piss me off - he accused me (again) of being deranged and over-controlling last night.

Also if it isn't a normal week (eg this week is half term here for the kids) and I say we need to discuss drop offs because it's not normal with it being half term, he does this enormous sigh, pained look and rolls his eyes. Then doesn't listen to what I say, suggests something that if he'd listened to what I say isn't going to work, and then goes snippy when I say you haven't listened.

Any words of wisdom to stop me getting upset?

Bump

(sorry but this is making my brain melt with trying to think around ways to deal with him)

Hi Fluffy, thought you were talking about my ex there.

Mad & over-controlling are 2 of his favourite insults, oh & interfering too!

I hate to be so anal about arrangements with him, we should be able to have some flexibility now our DD's are teens but no his mantra is rigid routine so that's the way we have to be, & it seems to work mostly.

We sit down (I go to him he won't set foot over my door step) for a painful half hour once every 3 months & do a diary catch up. He does shift work so can't always have the girls on set days so I have to pin him down. We then agree access days/pick-ups, social events & who is doing what for the next 3 months.

I have started including the girls on this session as he won't be as snipy & awkward when they're there. It also makes them feel included on arrangements & he can't dictate TOO much.

As soon as I get back (& whilst it's still fresh in our minds) I send him an email confirming dates & arangements & he replies in agreement (or not)
That way he can't say " well in my diary I've got xyz which you agreed to" when I fecking didn't!

If anything crops up in between, we email so we have it in writing -cue more arsey emails buthe-ho. I keep a folder in my emails with DH on it (dickhead ) Small & petty pleasures.

Like I said....anal but it's the only way I can make it work at the moment.

HTH

Oh Bossy I so get what you mean!

He works for himself, so in theory should be able to organise things without too many problems hahahahahahaha

As a for example, yesterday he dropped the girls here in the late evening (10.30pm which I think is too late they are 13 and 9 and were on their knees)

Two issues - first off, they'd been at his brother and wife's all day - he'd got them to mind the girls even though I have told him before that I do not want this couple to mind the girls as they have both bad mouthed me and have said nasty vicious things about me (small community, stuff gets back to me and they did it when me and xh were still together anyway - there's a ton of history - I don't like them they don't like me). I have asked the ex not to leave the girls there and told him I would organise to get the girls minded elsewhere if he was going to send them there. He refuses to do this.

Also, last night when he arrived here I said we need to talk about Thursday (he normally has DD2 after school for 2 hours for me isn't he fantastic as I am at uni). He did this suck a lemon face and rolled his eyes. I said "could you come and pick the girls up from me as my car is in for a service and I have to get the train to uni"

He then says "What time do you need to leave for uni? When will you be dropping the girls up"

And when I said "If you had listened..." he said "there's no need for that"

And then it degenerated into the "you're so controlling" blah blah

I should add, we live 7 miles apart and he rarely drops the girls here - he only did it yesterday because he was literally almost driving past my front door. It is always me who is up and down the road.

We also have to communicate by email as if I try to do phone conversations he twists everything and it's so much easier and less angsty to have things in email/text format.

We have to have the diary meetings in a local coffee shop. The last time I went up to his house to have it there, he shut the door of the room, and stood in front of the door saying how much he would love to fuck me, how sexy I looked, how nice my tits were and how he would love to feel them and if he decided to do that I wouldn't be able to stop him.

Stupid me had left my phone in the car as well, and he only let me go when I said if he didn't I would break the window and scream the place down.

But you have to understand I totally over-reacted to him he was only joking and it was really very very funny and I have no sense of humour

Needy bump again - I'm struggling with it all today - all I can see is his snippy nasty face as I asked him to call here to collect the kids. And the roll of the eyes when I said he hadn't listened.And why shouldn't I say he hasn't listened because he hadn't - statement of fact but he has a problem with taking criticism he's perfect

Can you do all of it by email so you don't need to talk to him at all? He sounds completely infuriating.

Oh, just read the bit about how he acted when you were in his house- that's threatening behaviour and you could reasonably go to the police about it if you wanted, and get some kind of injunction on him, I'd have thought; he really is out of order acting like that.

I know he was out of order but as he pointed out when he laughed in my face when I said I would call the police, it was my word against his there was no one else there and he would deny it.

I now have a dilemma. I left my car with the mechanic for service/mot prep and he is hoping to have it ready for this evening and he'll drop it back (it's literally round the corner). Do I tell ex and drop the girls up or keep my mouth shut and take the tongue lashing when he comes here tomorrow and the car is here?

Fluffy, you ARE being controlling. When your ex has HIS kids it is up to him who they see if he isn't putting them in danger. 10.30 pm isn't massively late. I agree he should do his share of drop offs & pick ups though. Choose your battles!!

10.30pm when he said he'd have them here at 9-9.30 IS late.

The people he left the kids with have called me a slut, whore, refused to treat all my children the same on the grounds that DS1 was a bastard and was conceived before me and XH were married, smacked DD1 as a toddler, refused to abide by her paediatrican advocated diet for the many food intolerances she had. Told me that they considered that I was trying to kill XH (because he fell asleep on the sofa) that I must be poisoning him and if he ever dies an early death they will go to the police with their suspicions. That they will phone social services and have my children taken away from me because I feed them frozen chips and toss a coin to see who goes first as that is gambling.

And many many more.

And RedHelen - if you search for my threads I started, I think it's clear I'm not controlling, I have no problem with him being involved, going to parent's night or even his mum babysitting but that particular couple, in a situation where I should have had the girls and he only had them to enable me to go to uni, and he lied to me (as he did last week wrt my mother) and told me he would be having the girls - it's manipulating me and manoeuvring to deliberately go against me.

I had uni. I said I'd take the day off. He said don't worry I'm not working I'll keep them - then I find out that he's sent them to his brother all day? How is that not controlling?

what did the girls say about being with their aunty all day? do they get on with erh now?
because if they happy about it then it is fine really.

?

I haven't asked.

And I disagree - if they are all happy about it, that makes it OK for them to badmouth me as long as they don't do it in front of the kids or they have done it in the past to the point where the kids are able to say "auntyx and uncle y say nasty things about you mummy"

And he lied to me about what he was planning

And I've now discovered that ALL the blackberry chargers are at his house. There are 3 plus 3 computer leads. 1 of the computer lead ones is in my car (which is away for a service) but every other blackberry charger is at his house.

Plus DD2 good coat that I bought. Plus assorted shoes and clothes and I now have to face the battle to get things returned.

I have just gone totally postal with the kids.

No blackberry charger.

No coats and it's pissing down and freezing

No car so have to walk to shop (see coats issue above)

No bread (see above)

No decent shoes for dd2 (all chez xh) so she's planning to go in wellies

DD1 sitting like laydee fucking muck ordering and pontificating that there should be BREAD and no bagels or brioche won't do she wants proper bread and it's not fair and watches me struggling to dish up lunch and deal with do and just fucking sits there on her lazy arse with the face on sniping at DD2

How in the name of all that is holy do I sort getting stuff back without making a whole song and dance over it and ending up standing up at his front door waiting and waiting for stuff to get returned as he rants that it's ridiculous that I want the stuff back. His view is that it's the kids responsibility and that things should be able to go to and from house to house - yes but they always go from and never fecking come to.

Rant. Rant. Rant.

I agree with your ex in terms of the children being responsible for their own things, they're not babies. Won't do them any harm to be without their chargers for a while surely? If it happens all the time (I wouldn't send them in their good clothes though.

Your ex does NOT have to tell you what he is planning on doing with his children in his contact time. Let go a bit & you may feel less stressed, believe me it works.

As to dd1, send her to the shops, she's old enough at 13 to get bread!!!

The problem RedHelen is that it's my charger as well - me and DD1 both have blackberries. One charger lives here, one at xh house for her to use there. And there's supposed to be a spare. Except all of them are up there. And I have no car to go and get my charger. So my phone is dead.

Send DD1 to the shop, fine, but the expensive woollen coat with a hood is at her dad's, her superdry is at her dad's, her navy school coat is at her dad's, her denim jacket is at her dad's.... get the picture? It's pissing out of the heavens, blowing and gale and freezing. The only shoes she has left here are her ugg boots.

And he will refuse to return the stuff, just point blank refuse.

As to the contact time, there is more to it than I am prepared to put publicly here, suffice to say I have concerns which are genuine and it was previously agreed how the contact would be and he has not adhered to that agreement. Which leaves me with no option but to take it to court.

I should add. The kids leave here in ordinary but decent clothes. With appropriate footwear/coats etc.

They come back in old clothes that are too small and have holes in them, and DD2 came back with no shoes yesterday. He dumps and runs, so I can't ask him for the stuff back - DD had old school shoes in his car which she had worn all day apparently.

I would personally have said don't take a coat to dad's, you already have 3 there to use. At least 1 would have come back!!

And make it plain that one blackberry charger HAS to stay at yours.

I know it's difficult but at 13 your eldest should be taking more responsibility. If it were mine I'd suggest wearing one of my coats to the shops, think she would soon remember to bring hers back lol!!!

I have told her that a blackberry charger has to stay here - she said she had left one in her room.

As far as the coats go, I hadn't been keeping an eye on what coats were here after the weekend and Thursday debacle, so I didn't know she had none here.

She won't wear one of mine.

BTW I am happy with the level of responsibility that my 13 year old takes - she has more responsibility than any other child of her age that I know. She was just taking the mick slightly at lunchtime, which I have dealt with.

Just when it's half term or holidays, every half term and holiday this issue of clothes (and now the new one of chargers) raises its head. It seems to be a common theme around lone parents - normally we do handovers around school so the kids are coming and going in school uniform.

And when I ask him to return stuff to me he just point blank refuses and it ends up in a whole palaver every time.

First can I say that despite the utter arse he appears to be difficult circumstances, you appear to be coping incredibly well. I'm especially impressed at the diary coordination meetings.

I have to agree with the other posters though, the children need to be made responsible for their own posessions, they are teens after all. Hide or lock away anything that can't be reasonably sent to the Ex's e.g. your next phone charger. Meet any childish whinge with a shrug. After all, in part your children are picking up from you ex the appropriate way to treat you (in his eyes) Nip this in the bud now. Personally I would have sent a whining 13 year old out in no coat and bad shoes to get bread simply to underline the point.

If I was mean and particularly pedantic (which I acknowledge you most definitley aren't) I would be tempted to send them to their father's in the same inappropriate clothes they came home in. He can hardly complain as he felt it appropriate to dress them in that manner himself. You could, though, use this as a threat to the children to spur them into bringing home their own posessions.

At the diary meetings treat him in the way you would treat a particularly irritating colleague.

1. Record the sessions. You can always, if you are being forgiving couch it in terms of "Since you we seem to have misunderstandings over what we have agreed last time, I though I'd make extra sure this time".

1. After agreeing each pick up/delivery ask "How do you propose to pick the girls up and drop them off? Make no comment, simply note, for the record, that he proposes that you do all the running around. This can be used as evidence later

1. Play private ex-waster bingo. This is a firm favourite with my colleagues at work. We have to deal with a particularly obnoxious individual and whenever any of us has a meeting with us we go in with a list of his most irritating traits and tick them off whenever they appear. It serves absolutely no practical purpose apart from a distancing device, but dammit it makes up feel a lot better.

I am trying to get the kids to remember stuff, but the problem is (WRT yesterday) they took stuff to his house, he made them get changed to go to the aunt and uncle's and he then dropped them here on his way home, which the kids didn't know was going to happen, and as DD1 pointed out that's not their fault (and I actually am forced to agree with her on that one)

see this thread

I do email him now over everything because then it's recorded for when it all goes tits up.

I love ex-waster bingo I am so going to play that

you ahve no control over what auntyx and uncle y say - but you can jsut counter with "it isnt nice to say things like that about people".

is about what you can and cannot ncontrol and how much you engage with x.

in the thread you linked to - his repsonse was spot on "ok tks" short and to the point - he didnt rise to your points at all. lessons to learn?

if you try and make all your communication with him in similar vein then things might get easier ?

"will drop violin at your place at 10.00 am" end of.

get another charger and keep it safe strictly for you - dont tell the DC where it is!
let them sort out "their" one.

clothes - well if dds arent bothered why should you be?
maybe only buy chepaer clothes?

Cestlavie - it's hard to see it in just one thread - what I was trying to do with the email was aim for icily polite. I wasn't trying to get him to rise to me - I just want him to take responsibility and act like a grown up.

Unfortunately, the things that have been said/done towards me are beyond the point of "oh that's not nice". I wish they were only at that point but they are way beyond that. And as I have said, he agreed via solicitors to particular things and he is not adhering to that.

I am not buying another charger when I have 3 already. I will get two back from his house and hide one.

Dd's are bothered by the clothes - that's the point and what makes it a problem. He refuses to buy them any clothes and thus if they want decent clothes at his house to wear if they are going out then they have to come from here. Normally I work on a "one outfit only up there" policy but come half terms and holidays as I have said, it becomes difficult.

DD1 has no socks here as they are all up there. DD2 had to take pants up the other week as he had no pants to fit her and she'd asked him to buy some and he refused. The pants there were cutting her to shreds.

Personally I would once you have your car back, take dc to his house with a list and make them get everything which should be at your house.

They are your dc belongings not his and he has no right to not let them have them back.

Wheredidiputit - that's his point though. They are the DC's belongings and they have every bit as much right to have them at his house as mine. The fact I paid for them is irrelevant.