Everytime I have to have an interaction with my ex he makes a whole fricking song and dance

[fluffythevampirestabber]

No doubt many of you have read the tales on here of my ex and the lovely ways he has to wind me up.

But I've ended up not able to sleep because of him last night - and I know this is minor and I know I have to just deal with it. But - how do you get over when the other parent keeps doing something you have asked them not to?

He's claiming that it all "just happens" and he's not doing it to piss me off - he accused me (again) of being deranged and over-controlling last night.

Also if it isn't a normal week (eg this week is half term here for the kids) and I say we need to discuss drop offs because it's not normal with it being half term, he does this enormous sigh, pained look and rolls his eyes. Then doesn't listen to what I say, suggests something that if he'd listened to what I say isn't going to work, and then goes snippy when I say you haven't listened.

Any words of wisdom to stop me getting upset?

Yes they do but they don't need 3 chargers and 4 coats. Make your dc get they bits they need at your house.

Oh I will but it's just such a fricking DRAMA every time.

He makes me stand in the cold, shuts the door in my face. If I go and sit in the car he taps taps taps the window and orders me back to the door to "inspect" the things he/they have found.

He never has the things to hand, even if I text him and DD's and tell them what to bring, the stuff is never ready and it's just such a BIG DEAL for him. I am putting him under unnecessary pressure. He has bigger issues to worry about than where the children's clothes are. It's up to me to provide clothing for them that's what I get child benefit for.

I hate holidays for this reason. It's so much easier when the to-ing and fro-ing is done around school - there's still a bit of this but it's just so much worse when it's holidays.

Too much contact!
Not enough deciding what will happen and then go hang whith the consequences.
You'll have to disengage a LOT more from him and also warn the dcs that you will not be letting them take anything to his anymore.
Just dress them in whatever he sends them in. (al;though I think there is a ruse for him to turn around and complain about that - I know the type, the fact that they're the clothes he provided won't mean anything will it)
Anyway. Distance yourself more and stop relyinging on him.

Try arranging for the pick ups and drop offs to be at someone elses house or someone else gets them. Take yourself out of the equation.

Get the girls to get their own things from his house at their convenience.
Find another person to look after the girls when you have to dash somewhere etc.

So easy to say, once you start getting him out of your head and make room in there for you and your life it's great!!!

The problem is mamas, usually we don't see each other - pick ups and drop offs are done at school - ie I drop, he picks up or vice versa.

I know I need to toughen up.

I also, as I've said on another thread, have to rely on him to get the kids "for me" so I can go to uni (but he never looks at it that I have the girls "for him" so he can go to work and in the holidays)

This problem rears its head every time there's a holiday - I suspect he remains, as he always was, totally disorganised. His mind is full of much more important stuff than washing and returning clothes to me. He has work to do. Or his mother to pander to. And of course I did the unforgiveable and left him.

I have spoken severely to both girls tonight and told them in no uncertain terms I want the stuff I bought brought here. He won't go for that at all (as I've said) and DD1 near had a meltdown - she will have nothing to wear when she's at his house because he doesn't buy her anything and he'll want her to wear really old fashioned clothes that used to belong to his family. She's right. He will. And that's where he has me over a barrel. I'll give in because I don't want her to get teased for looking like a nerd.

Does he pay maintenance and therefore believes he's buying the clothes?

No. He believes the child benefit buys the clothes.

AND THIS IS WHAT HE DOES

He is collecting the kids from here tomorrow morning as I have uni.

We agreed (as he thinks I'm getting the train) that he would be here at 11. But stupid stupid stupid me agreed it with him verbally when he dropped the kids off here. Fucking stupid me.

He just texted "I will collect girls at 9am tomorrow"

And I replied "We had agreed 11"

Him "I have change of plans. Will be 9"

Me "DD1 is at a sleepover she is due back here at 10.30 for you collecting at 11. 9am not suitable. Unless you collect her from sleepover" (it's in the next town

Him "Will then concede and collect at 11am as per your instruction"

It's not my fucking instruction. It's what he proposed on Monday when I said I had to go to uni.

I'm afraid you'll need to train him. Tell him that all arrangements will be done at least x days in advance and in writing, either on paper or via email. Don't get into any verbal debates or arguments. When you're replying to him (in writing) keep it on a calm and business like level. Don't rant, accuse or be rude.

In time he will realise that his childish behaviour is getting him nowhere so he'll stop doing it.

I didn't respond btw - but it helps to vent on here

I didn't accuse him or be rude, but he turned the whole thing round from him changing the time that had been arranged, to him conceding to my wishes

It all sounds so familiar...

My girls are 14 and 12. We moved out April last year and now live 2.5 miles away (in a house worth about 40% of the one he still lives in, but that's another story!) We communicate only by email unless text is absolutely necessary. We NEVER phone each other or meet face to face. If I never see him again that will suit me fine. We don't have a court agreement re contact, we discussed it before I moved out and it works pretty well for us. I do much of the picking up/dropping off but have managed to reduce this, it was worse for the first year.

I agree that you need to put more distance between him and you, and the girls need to take more responsibility for stuff being in the right place. We do the coats and chargers thing too, in fact one of my coats is at his right now because DD2 borrowed it .

It's just so irritating.

And the thing that annoys the most is that he comes across (in his own mind but it's how he will portray it in his own head and to everyone he speaks to) as so reasonable and fair and he would say WRT tomorrow that he has done what I want.

Not that he changed the plans and wanted to do a different time.

The contact arrangements are set in stone - except when it comes to holidays and half terms which are always a problem.

And having to deal with the ex at all is such a head wreck. I'd love never to have to deal with him again.

And I think I'd done quite well with the response to the "I'll be there at 9am" text?

With people like that all you can do when they go off on one is say "keep to the subject or shut up, I'm not listening to your crap again". And when they say "you are so controlling" just say "so what are you doing?" than he'll go off on one and you ignore it all, totally. Then when he peters out you say your original statement again, in a completely neutral voice.

Practice a neutral unemotional voice, and stick to it whenever you talk to him. you cannot change the fact that he has a personality disorder, just feel sorry for him and dismiss him from your mind (easier said than done) but if you read enough about these people all you can do is walk away, they cannot be helped.

The thing is, shiney, because of the kids he's in my life. He is very vocal about getting his "rights" (see my parents evening thread) and he changes things - he changed the time of the pick up tomorrow, not me. My fault for not getting it in writing of course.

And we agree something through solicitors, and he just ignores it and carries on how he likes.

I just don't know what I'm supposed to do when he wants, for example, to change the time that he's picking up the kids. As far as he is concerned, I should say ok to everything he wants. I do try to accommodate him as much as possible which is maybe where I am going wrong?

But tomorrow doesn't suit, because DD1 made plans around an 11am pick up. He knew this - she told him how pleased she was when he said it would be 11am. But he won't take that under his notice it won't figure in his head, he will have heard her but not listened iyswim?

But I did that tonight?

The contact is only this bad because it's half term and the kids are off school though. That's when it all goes tits up, when it isn't the normal routine.

I think it would be easier if they were younger because I'd be more in control of the stuff they took and what they did - it is harder when they are older and want to do more stuff themselves.

The clothes/stuff at his house is one of my biggest bugbears too, so fecking annoying but luckily (for them not me) we live within walking distance from my ex's house so if they "forget" something I send them round to get it.

As they have got older I encourage them to negociate with their Dad more on their own behalf, if yours don't want to go /do something with him they have to learn to speak up.

Email/text a confirmation of everything discussed. Keep the discussions to a minimum & don't ASK him just TELL him when you are dropping things off or needing the girls collecting. In fact tell him if he wants the girls he can collect them, why should you drop them off? If you arrange a time, make sure the girls know & tell them you have confirmed it with their Dad, then if he tries to be arsey & do the "oh no Mum said x not Y" they know what was agreed.

He is a knob of the highest order & your New Man sounds lovely so focus on him not the GPB. Remember he can only make you feel bad if you allow him to!