Where have all the fit, interesting and available men gone (part 30)

[lilacisinlove]

Yay! I did it again!

PM is coming over for tea to celebrate new job!! proper update later.

Flame, hope your period pain better, Took, boatman = arse. stuff that. lilac, will comment properly and fully when i'm not being quite so self centered! No TM today as took DD to train station later than usual, he can have the full beenfit of my hangover tomorrow morning..

lilac i have no input so not ignoring but staying quiet iyswim.

Woohoo for pm job.

feeling slightly better. I have copper coil as i can't handle.hormones. I am normally ok but that supermoon thing messed up cycle from what i can tell.

Geiger (name for pof guy) is still chatty. i am still Meh.

lilac - this is difficult situation. I know you want to trust him. And there will be a degree of his ex being careful with access. but.... i agree with others. If he was really serious about his access he would be living close enough to get regular overnights in his house rather than a friends. I would not be happy with dc going to stay at a friends to see their dad. i am thinking she's laid back if she is allowing this.

Any really good dad I know move heaven and earth to be in a position to get access. Even if it means changing jobs to be closer. Or if changing job is not an option they commute very long distances.

There are lots of men who like to blame ex's for what is really their lack in putting in the effort to keep in contact.

Why is it he doesn't live near dc to get better access. Also.. does it lie to his ex to do all the travel? or does TLOML do the travelling?

who moved originally? they must have both lived in same area at one point?

need more info really on this, to see the full picture.

what is her reasons for not keeping to contact agreement? why does she canx.

exp (one i'm leaving) used to tell me it was his ex canx his visits and his ex was evil. I started asking for more details as to why when he said she cancelled. and she wasn't actually cancelling. she maybe would text and say his dd had a birthday party on his day. just an informative text saying she had. and exp would assume this was a cancellation. he would go in a huff and not reply. It was not until I told him to ask he she was looking to know if he would take her, or swap days, would he reply and find out that she wasn't refusing access at all. they would then arrange the access with the party in mind.

prior to meeting me he would always take texts like these as cancellations. It is only now that he realises that HE needs to put in the effort to arrange things around DD engagements for her social life. as they are not his exw arrangements. they are things dd has been invited to.

nomeansno - thats a very fair point. while moving closer isnt always an option, nor commuting, just thinking about my exhusband... ( forces) But what he did do was rent a house ( 2 bedrooms) in the area he is in, so that DD has a room at his.
Its costs him a lot. he could have lived in singles accomdation for pittance... or just rented a families ( facility on camp) house every other weekend. But that wasnt what was best for DD. Or heck. he could have even stayed at his mums with DD as his mum is only 20 mins away.. but he realised he would never be on his own with DD then.

We try to swap weekends, or come to comprimises with regards to partys etc.. but its not always going to be possible for her to go to all of them. We also havent signed up to any weekend activities becase its impossible.

Nomeansno...he has not lived in her town full time for many years, he sold his flat in the town to help her buy out her exH. He has worked away and come back at weekends for much of their relationship and since it ended, and he no longer has his own business up north but is employed full time in London. He pays for hotels and flights so he can get up there quickly and spend as much time as possible with his DD. She is only 2 so doesn't have weekend activities, parties etc, but if she did he would happily take her to them. He even leaves his car in the airport car park all week so that he can take his DD out and get to his ex's house easily. He does ALL the travelling.

We are not all going to move up there so he is closer to DD, so we have to make this arrangement work somehow. She agrees to access and he books flights and then she says she won't be around that weekend. Last week she insisted he was there by 10.30 am on Sat and he had already booked the first flight but that wouldn't get there in time. She wouldn't budge, and he had to book a 9pm flight on Friday evening and pay extra. She said if he couldn't be there by 10.30 then he wouldn't see his DD. That's not exactly reasonable, is it?

Thanks for all your input, everyone, I do appreciate it.

took, he has thought about renting a flat there, but it's not feasible to pay London rent and local rent and child support and half of her mortgage and her lease car and his travelling expenses and still have something to live on. He is trying to do the right thing for his DD, his ex, her DC, and still build a relationship with my DC and spend time with me/us. He's pulled in every direction just now.

why is he paying her mortgage and lease car...
surely it would be better to not pay those, and rent somewhere up there.. then maybe you could all go up there some weekends too?

Lilac-Just wondering but why does he pay her childcare fees, mortgage and lease car? I'm not saying he shouldnt but thats above and beyond what most people would even if they earn a very good wage and pay maintenance. And would make me wonder if I'm honest.

nmn-i remember beachbum lol but bah to morals!

have you seen texts or heard calls to back this all up?

Seems really generous to pay all of this.

sorry hate to grill you about this

sorry lilac - you are not going to like this.

But he is being selfish.

HE wants to put your relationship and his happiness in a relationship above his own daughters needs.

his daughter is his daughter. he has barely known you. and does not know what the future hold.

But his daughter will ALWAYS be his daughter no matter what.

In my book. he should be making every effort to move up north while dd is so young. It is THEIR home town. his, dd and his ex's. HE is the one who moved south for work. of course he should make the effort.

He effectively buggered off miles away and shirked his responsibilities. Yeah he feels guilty and sticking his hand in his pocket big time.

BUT.... truth is.. his daughter would be much better off if he was using that money to rent somewhere up north for wkd access.

He should also be leaving the night before. as flights are very often delayed. why should ex have her whole wkd messed up because your dp didn't have the forethought to factor in flight issues. It would be common courtesy of him to do this.

But.. I bet his excuse is he needs to spend friday night with you.

This is again his need. not to satisfy you and keep you happy, but so he is in your company and not lonely in a rental/hotel up north.

i am not expecting you to respond. or get in an arguement.

just want to point out the exw side of the story. I understand only too well how easy it is to listen to one side and not consider the other.

Im sorry but I have to agree with nmn, exbf was a lazy arse but one thing he did do was put his dd first always, and I would often not see him due to his committments to her which really is the way it should be. I dont think it's fair that she cancels contact last min, but just sounds like he's not telling you the full story tbh

Well I'm back on pof, been messaging a few people but no one that interesting yet. Have a few girlie nights out planned over the next month so that should be good

Evening All I too, am always suspicious of men's versions of events. The stories I've heard my exh has come out with to other people is unbelievably biased... he shagged someone else and I packed his bags, I bought him out of our home, he paid maintenance for a while and now pays nothing and hasn't done for 6 years, his story is one of pain and sadness, how it's my fault he lost his business, I had an affair, I got the house off him etc etc lol. Men.

For those that are interested, I've been out with Celtic last night and tonight.
He's lovely and I'm smiling lots.

Dd staying out one night next week so will try and farm ds out too and kidnap him. :)

Monty-yay so glad you are having a good time with celtic you deserve it :)

Yay for smiling lots.

Just remembered that XH told his family that the reason we never visited much was that I wouldn't go and we would have big arguments about it. I had expected a story like that and pre-empted by telling them when I first visited after the split, that I hoped it meant he would bring the kids more often, as I used to suggest going for weekends but he never wanted to. It was then they said "He said...." - the fact I got my version in unprompted meant they believed me.

They don't like either of us much though so it doesn;t matter too much tbh.

betty - spill! details of your pof potentials.

did i tell you lot myself and a friend are gonna hook us both up over the wkd and start a competition over going on dates. The aim is not to find a bf. the aim is to have as many fun nights on random dates as possible. and the rule is the dates must be odd. no dinner/cinema if possible. go karting, bike riding, etc

i think i might enjoy this competition!

Ooh that sounds fun!

Thx Betty and Flame :)

Nmn - oh can't wait for future stories

nmn-well to be honest there is not much to report yet. I do have a 22 year old messaging me tho lol that could be interesting

and i do like the sound of your competition, wish i could join lol you are the queen of dates anyway, I never came close even when I did get on a roll lol

we aren't really caring if they tick the attractiveness boxes. the aim of the game is to have loads of fun. If they seem fun and are willing to do something random then i will be on that date! if the chat is good and i think I will enjoy their company then its a gooer.

Mind you. thats what i did on the previous dates and there was a few suprises! and those are the ones i am still in contact with actually. and we still do random fun things.

monty - celtic is certainly ticking your boxes

betty - cougar is in you know!

at NMN's dating crown lol

Mind you Betty, you didn't do too bad yourself iirc

betty - why not join the competiton. i say competition. but really its just to keep up the momentom of random dates and making the most of childfree time rather than going pub, or sitting at home on our own.

I know I think i stole the crown a few times....but it was short lived lol ........

who had the crown last, and where is it?

I wish I could nmn but to be honest child free time is rare at the mo, hopefully will become more regular in june when dd's dad is on leave again fingers crosssed