My 11 year old daughter

[wirral]

has decided, since last October, that she wanted to live with her Dad, his girlfriend and her daughter.

I hijacked a previous thread and got such good advice that I thought I'd attempt my own.

I've been so sad since daughter left but am so ashamed that I have failed as a Mum that I haven't asked for advice before.

Daughter came and stayed this weekend. She spent the majority of time surfing internet and emsillng her Dad about which new mobile phone he is going to buy her (blackberry)

Today I tried to get her to do her homework. She needed to write a report on a bag. She and her Dad had decided to write about a designer bag that his girlfriend had bought her (a Kipling??) I don't know about designer bags. I offered to help her but she told me I couldn't as I don't know bag. I suggested she phone her Dad to help her but she refused. She then got angry with me and started being nasty. I phoned her Dad and asked him to come and pick her up. He did.

I am just so lost. Everything that I do is wrong. So sad

I am sure its is very hard but why call upon her dad to write something up about a bag ?
One can find anything on google why give in so easily?
I do not mean to sound unsympathetic as I am sure it is very hard but honestly you need to pull yourself together and work on this relationship instead of giving up. Life is long, she is only 12, it may be a phase she likes be part of new family, but you are still her mum.
She may have turned nasty as you did not show interest in what she was trying to do maybe?

So sorry you're going through this.

Do you think it might be hormones? I didn't get on with my mum for ages but now we're really close (and now as a parent myself i realise what she did for me to bring me up). But as a teenager my mum just wound me up almost constantly!

It's more complicated after a split though. You might just need to be patient with her and she'll grow out of the phase?

Firstly, well done for the bravery :) you're just trying to do your best by her, like the rest of us... and yours is a common story from mum's AND dad's.. if that helps any?.. kids so pick up on 'separation tactics' playing one off against the other..

She needs love (which includes boundaries) with you.. plan stuff together, theres loads you could do together that doesn't involve designer bags/internet and will bring you close. but the rules should be agreed up front and stuck to especially during this time of transition!.. things like surfing the net -v- quality time.. I don't let mine surf unless its for homework or a joint friends activity which I am fully aware of....

take care to be the adult here, so that she doesn't feel she can blackmail you, and try to deal with issues before sending her back to her Dad.

It is a common theme for dad's (and possibly Mum's in the same situation) to put their energy into 'treats', indulgences, trips out, etc.. but it isn't good for the child, who actually needs love, attention, consistency and boundaries far more.

You are number one here tho!... you have to have your own happy well balanced life, eating well, sleeping well, getting out, socialising, feeling good about yourself, and then you'll feel ready to tackle the strops of the pre-teen! Never forget she needs and loves you (despite behaviours that say otherwise!)

Hi Wirral - I saw your post on the other thread you mentioned & my heart ached for you and the OP. I think the posters on this and the previous thread are right when they say accept it & work at your relationship with your daughter, but I can only imagine how hard that is to do when you're feeling so wounded. I'm sure that things that you would normally be able to shrug off must feel so hurtful . Have you got someone who you can talk openly about how you're feeling? Would you think about speaking to a counsellor? On the practical side of things it occurs to me that it might be easier on you to keep busy when you see her until your hurt feelings subside a bit? Can you do stuff with other people to dilute things a bit? How often does she stay with you?

My heart goes out to you. This happened to me when my DD reached 11yrs. Broke my heart but I allowed her to go and he did the same offered her everything material that I couldn't. I showed her much love and did not get angry at her or upset in front of her. When she was 13 she wanted to come back home to mum(grin)She is 34 now. Keep your chin up and look after yourself because she will want her mum soon enough

Thanks all for the advice. Having re read my initial post, I can see how trivial it was and how I should have dealt with things better. I am not too sure that my actions are entirely rational at the moment.

Since October ex husband has booked for them all to go to Hong Kong at Easter and organised for them all to have family photos taken together. I have never known hurt like it. I keep telling myself that daughter is happy - and she is - I just need to make myself happy too.

I don't see daughter on a regular basis as ex husband works shifts so I can have her when he is working and can't make any other arrangements for her. At the moment I have no idea when I am going to see her again, nor whether I need to take time off at half term.

Gosh - a post of woe and misery. Sorry - sometimes it just helps to write it all down

This must be terribly hard for you. It's not good that contact between you and DD is only when your ex is at work though. Your DD has a right to see you; it's not supposed to just be at ex's convenience.

Could you approach your ex and ask that contact is done on a regular basis? Say, every other weekend plus after school on Wednesdays? Families Need Fathers are very good for advice about contact and they'll happily talk to mothers as well. If he's unwilling then you could suggest mediation.

Snorbs, I would love that kind of regular contact with our daughter. Trouble is ex won't agree to that as there are weekends when he isn't working so he wants her as well as Wednesdays when he is off work.

For example he suggests I have her Monday to Wednesday morning of Feb half term as he is off both weekends but working Monday and Tuesday day.

I am not sure he would agree to mediation as he is very happy with the arrangements as they are at the moment.

Thanks again. I have been so ashamedw about posting on here as feel such a failure as a Mother

It is absolutely in your daughter's best interests to maintain REGULAR PREDICTABLE contact with her mum, and vital for her emotional wellbeing.

Court proceedings would ensure that happened. He is not considering his daughter's needs by [effectively] taking her away from her mum... even in circumstances where children are in risk situations, social services only take children from their mum as a last resort, as its imperative they maintain close relationships with their mum.

I can't stress enough, how much you need to think about looking after yourself too, and getting what you need right now; so excellent that you are airing your thoughts here as a release for all the stuff going on at the mo.

Take care you :)

What Shriek & Snorbs say ..

Your ex-husband is being so unfair - it must feel like you are being offered the crumbs left on the table. It's just not reasonable -you need to be able to make plans and organise your life and she needs a routine too - you're her Mum not the childminder (not even sure how many childminders would operate on those terms).

If he won't negotiate, then I guess you will need to get some legal advice. Sounds like this has hurt you so much it's left you feeling powerless - time to get some of that power back in your own quiet way...

Take Care & look after yourself x

Just phoned daughter as saw her comments on facebook that she's been off school sick today and went shopping to M and S and Ikea - which is about 20 miles away!

She doesn't want to see me on Thursday as her Dad is trying to get his mother to look after her and has no idea when she wants to see me again.

Am now in floods of tears. If I had the nerve I'd kill mysef

Urrrgh, can anyone be all supportive as comments like 'If I had the nerve I'd kill myself' tend to make Mr. White and Nerdy very grumpy indeed!! GRUMP GRUMP GRUMP

I don't understand ramblings of 'white&nerdy'.. the sentence doesn't make sense, but assuming it is supportive of wirral's worries?

It isn't up to your daughter if she sees you!!! Its like Smadarama says 'take some power back'.. you are her mum and 'you say what goes' too!!.. Really. You owe this to your daughter.. she's 11 and in no position whatsoever to dictate who she will see when, its too much power for an 11 yr old... power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely!

Get yourself together Wirral :) and go get her, she won't do it for you and nobody else can.. take what you need from others to get yourself into that position of strength.

As for your very worrying words.. despite your thoughts on your relationship at the moment, your daughter will be devastated without you... Mums need to be strong and adult for their children.. they need you .. try to hang on to that. yes, it must be pushing you to the limits.. get yourself some support from others too, and get to feeling good about what you are tryin gto do...

you are in control here, if only you'd realise that you CAN take the reins... sending you lots of good vibes and strength for your journey ahead... you take care

Wirral I am so sorry that you are feeling so low. I hope you have people in real life to support you right now. Lots of good advice has already been given here but I just wanted to reiterate that your daughter is only 11. She is a child and a confused one at that. I know that it is immensely difficult but you need to be there when she turns to you and at some point she will. Do your best to be a consistent presence in her life and when she does visit keep things positive. I know that this is all so much easier said than done but all 11 year olds really want is the love of both of their parents. They will test the boundaries infinitely but really (even if they keep it very well hidden) they just want to know that you will still be there. Take care x

Thank you all - a bad day today methinks.
I am just so lost about what to do. I worry that if I just accept daughter not seeing me then she will think I don't mind. I know that I don't react well.
I was also hurt that she'd been off school today "ill" but her Dad hadn't let me know. I have never done that to him,
Also he took her for her first bra today - sne never wanted to go with me but then I never offered her a day off school
New mobile, holiday in Hong Kong, family photos, day o1ff school. I just feel that I can't compete
I suspect white&nerdy wasn't being supportive and he has a fair point. I would never hurt myself but sometimes struggle to see any future happiness. Although he did put me off looking for further comments as I couldn't cope with being told off again

Have cracked open the wine and choc so am coping bit better now.
Thanks again.

Cheers :) .. me too.. just having a glass of red at the end of trying day.. mmmm.

hope you enjoying some positive thoughts now about how you can change stuff, as you enjoy your relax.

Mehh remember sometimes support can come in the form of a good old metaphorical kick up the backside. That includes parents as well as their children, looks around the MN message board with a comical but accusing squint!

Sounds like she's doing the typical pre-teen thing and going where the money is
But we all know it takes much more to raise a child and she shouldn't be skiving school to go shopping at 11.
don't know if you should go round and get her and tell her where the land lies i.e. you are incharge, not her. Or whether you should allow her to find out for herself that she should be at home with mum and not somewhere where the adults don't care if she's at school or not.
Personally I'd go get her and if dad kicked up tell him to arrange mediation to discuss it further. Kids shouldn't be able to rule the roost and she deserves a parent who bothers to get her to school.
Best of luck either way, but one things for sure in a couple of years time she'll know what side her bread is really buttered on x

I guess you'd have to ask the person who felt they couldn't cope with being 'told off' again whether that tactic works (rather than deciding that for yourself).

I'm definitely of the opinion that someone wishing they were dead DOES NOT require a 'kick' ANYWHERE.. but that's just me I guess ;)

apologies for recalling your thoughts into this message Wirral, but I had to disagree.

have to agree with HanBanan there.. sound advice.. go get her.. and let her dad face the fact that mediation is the next step.. he is not 'taking care' of her by allowing this attitude towards school, that its ok to go shopping and pretend to be ill.

.. but then I guess there couldn't be any further visits until mediation is set up?!

It is tempting and I have considered going to get her but the practicalities overwhelm me. If I go to ex husband's house there is no way either of them will "let" her come with me. If I go to school, there is no guarantee that she would leave with me. This is why I feel so powerless.
I do actually think her Dad is an ok person and I did trust him to try to resolve this - even if it meant that she lived with him and saw me on a regular basis (I work fulltime) but he doesn't seem to be helping me at all.
I really am lost with what to do

Hold on there people ... if you focus on reading too much into the why and what's of her daughter being off school and going shopping with her farther. You maybe loose sight of OP, saying that when she got into an argument with DD she couldn't cope and phoned XP to have her.

Clearly it's in everyones best interest that OP finds a solution that really works. It's all very well suggesting going round and telling her daughter where the land lies, but it's not good if the situation of phoneing for DD to be collected when the going gets tough and stormy, it could well be sending out so many bad signals to your DD.

By the way I wasn't giving out any metaphorical kicks up the backside, was just insinuating it .

Sorry OP if that's not how it happened and I'm reading too much into your original post

I see why your worried, she might act up and you don't want her to get traumatised.

If you think he's an ok guy you at least need to tell him how you feel and that you weren't happy that she left your home without your permission last october. through mediation if poss. And that you need him to at least lay down the law regarding schooling and skiving, preferably in front of you. Then she still gets a unified parent approach.

You never know he might be thinking that it was going to be a temporary thing and that it's time she went back to you.

Sounds horrible OP, it sounds like you are feeling really rejected and have lost your confidence which is prob why you aren't coping as well as you normally would.

Next time you have your dd I would be honest with her about how you are feeling and ask her if she has any deas about how to improve your relationship. Try and plan fun girly things that you can do together, facepacks, nails, midnight feasts that sort of thing. Don't let her attitude get to you and def don't take it personally (although I can imagine this feels very very personal). She is just cross and confused and starting to get the dreaded hormones whizzing about!!

Hope things improve soon