My 11 year old daughter

[wirral]

has decided, since last October, that she wanted to live with her Dad, his girlfriend and her daughter.

I hijacked a previous thread and got such good advice that I thought I'd attempt my own.

I've been so sad since daughter left but am so ashamed that I have failed as a Mum that I haven't asked for advice before.

Daughter came and stayed this weekend. She spent the majority of time surfing internet and emsillng her Dad about which new mobile phone he is going to buy her (blackberry)

Today I tried to get her to do her homework. She needed to write a report on a bag. She and her Dad had decided to write about a designer bag that his girlfriend had bought her (a Kipling??) I don't know about designer bags. I offered to help her but she told me I couldn't as I don't know bag. I suggested she phone her Dad to help her but she refused. She then got angry with me and started being nasty. I phoned her Dad and asked him to come and pick her up. He did.

I am just so lost. Everything that I do is wrong. So sad

In year 4 and aged 9, you gave her a choice to stay at home and walk home alone? Did you even spend time looking into a childminder? Did you even look into an after school club? What did you and your dd think of them, or was the only option you gave her the one of walking home and watching tv, presented as something happy and independant?

I gave off a good impression as a people pleaser child, of being quite happy with being left alone for long periods of time as a young child on a regular basis, I am sure I was not alone in doing that.

I suspect that there a lot more things like this that you have not shared, that have contributed to your dd wanting to go and live with her father.

If you have made poor judgements, have you ever thought of taking a parenting course, so that you don't have to live with this type of guilt again?

MummieHunnie, sorry I didn't reply to your question - I have always attended sports days and class assemblys etc. As has my exhusband. Last year our daughter won the National Book Day fancy dress competition in our homemade outfit. Work isn't my priority it is a means to an end. My daughter has always been my priority

Wirral, that is good to hear, thank you for answering that question, it gives a more rounded view of you.

I sure this won't alter your view MummieHunnie but my daughter was 10 (almost 11) as she is a September birthday and she walked home when in year 5.

There are no after school clubs nor was there a breakfast club available.

I would be interested in what else you "suspect" me of doing. And believe me I don't feel guilty at all. Daughter walked own on her own a couple of nights a week as 3 nights her Dad picked her up. Most nights she would have an after school club (netball or computer club) and would only spend half an hour on her own.

Gosh poor judgements? I don't think and admit to not being perfect (what parent would?)but I don't think a parenting course is necessary.

I wish I hadn't worked fulltime but at the time I thought it was setting a good example. Daughter had to walk home on own and stay in house on own for about an hour and a half at night but I thought she was ok about this but maybe I was wrong.

The way you presented the situation was of a child walking home alone for a year and a half, so 11 take away a year and a half is 9 and a half, and of you working full time, thank you for now giving more information, so now we know that it was not 5 days a week and that she is in afterschool clubs some of the days that her father did not pick her up, which is irratic from your previous posts, if you don't give the full information people will think all sorts, op, the impression you gave earlier was of a child 5 days a week spending an hour and a half after walking home from school, alone.

You admitted yourself that it was poor judgement with hindsight, your child is not wanting to live with you, do you still think you would not benefit from a parenting course?

If you are serious about wanting help, you need to fully disclose and be open and honnest with full information, we are none of us perfect no one is expecting perfection.

I think your ex was well out of order blaming you for the issues with your dd, what is he saying you have done wrong, it is things like this that concern me that you are holding back more information. You say he is an ok guy, so either he is not an ok guy or you are not telling us something.

I too was left alone, and don't need to go into details, sufffice to say it was very distressing, I hated it, but it WAS pretty common in the day.. things are viewed differently now.

I wouldn't leave my daughter... having said all this I wouldn't stand in judgement of someone in completely different circumstances, only because a lot of my distress was due to other overwhelming factors about the parenting I experienced.. I'm really NOT sure that being a latchkey kid was the problem in itself.

Only Mum can know what the rest of their world is about, in the same way that noone on the outside of a couple's relationship really knows what goes on 'behind closed doors'.

I think the best we can do here is to support Mum through something that is very distressing and painful (evidence of the amount of love/care for her daughter).. Wirral.. we ALL do it wrong!!!! We all make poor decisions at times, and all work with our own 'beliefs' about what is best... and also all have to sometimes get pulled up short to review our beliefs about such things. So humble is the name of the game.. successful parenting is about confidence and many other completely differing tactics that work for any given family. I'm saying that what's right for one family or child, could be very wrong for another. If it's not working .. do it differently

You need to be sure about what is 'right' for your daughter in your situation.. speak to friends/family that are closer that support you... I have always been surprised that the father has been able to dictate the terms in your case, supported by the courts.. maybe the courts need convincing of something about the situation. You can't do anymore than demonstrate you are doing everything you can to be that good mum, and that it is distressing beyond belief being in this situation.. maybe a doctor could help with that (support & advocate for you).

keep in mind that contentious issues do cause heated debate (but this should not be to the detriment of the person in need of help and support!)

take care Wirral...

At risk of prolonging this debate. I am still not sure where a year and a half comes from making my daughter 9? She started walking home on her own from the age of 10 and a half.

Perhaps it is just best to walk away from this now. Thanks those of you who gave advice. I will try to take this on board.

Thanks MummieHunnie for the advice re parenting course. I hope that you will never go through something as painful as this but if you do I sincerely hope that you find someone more compassionate to give you advice

We crossed posts, and you may be surpirsed as to what I have been through myself, op! I hope that one day you will be able to look at the whole reason, maybe speaking to a counsellor may help you, if one day you can find it in yourself to fully open up.

If that is the case MummieHunnie, do you not think it would have been more appropriate to ask further questions of me rather than making assumptions? My daughter was older than you "thought" She didn't walk home on her own every night as you "thought" Nor did I say that I had made porr judgement, I actually "wondered" if I had.

As you say you don't know me in real life yet apparently have gleaned a lot about myself and my behaviour from a few posts on this internet site

It is a shame that you didn't check your facts or ask me more questions before jumping to erroneus conclusions

I wonder if you think your postings are helpful Mummiehunnie?

... and where are the moderators whilst this alleged 'hounding off the site' has been going on?? or 'attacking' postings?

I also find your behaviour quite manipulative, and I wonder if this is a regular thing in rl for you?

I think that you are also making a lot of assumptions Mummiehunnie. Not to mention projecting a lot of your own issues. I don't see how the op is manipulative.

hmmm... thanks BeerTricksPotter (like the name :)

I don't know whether 'hounding' someone off the site contravenes the MN guidelines, but outside of that, it would seem prudent to follow one's own guidelines of 'innocent until proven guilty' .. isn't that what we all deserve.. and where there truly are cases of 'crying wolf' (and this seems to be what's being intimated here) people will become aware of that over time, and those that practice this would be ignored in future (I would have thought). better that I think than the risks involved in any other, less than supportive, means of responding, to one involved in one of the biggest stresses in life and struggling with that.

Wirral.. I hope you don't still feel you have to walk away from a valuable source of support and advice when your are in such a difficult situation?

Yours is exactly the kind of emotional parenting difficulty that many have to deal with, and I'm sure it also helps others, when someone like yourself is brave enough to share their deepest worries here.

Hope you feel you can keep using it/us. :)

just wanted to add that children commonly walk to and from school alone from the beginning of year 4, which makes them 8 (& 9 at some pt during the year), and I know some personally that wait for parents to return, once a bit older, or with older siblings. HTH

Thank you so much Shriek. I had to steel myself to come back and read this thread.I think I missed most of what MummieHunnie wrote as it's been deleted. I can't tell you how bad this had made me feel. I honestly had no idea that anybody would feel that strongly about walking to and from school. I honestly don't think my daughter minded. Honestly! School isn't far. There are plenty of people for her to walk with.

On a positive note, I phoned and spoke to daughter tonight. Conversation was a bit strained but I did tell her that I love her and will always be here for her - either at the end of a telephone or if she wants to stay.

Another postive note is that I spoke to ex husband (I will admit to finding it difficult to talk to him as this whole situation is so hurtful). We only had a brief conversation but perhaps it is the start of sorting things out. I honestly think he thought daughter would be happy with him and not miss me. I will admit that she is happy with him but as you have all (most of you!) pointed out to me that she will miss me at some stage.

Thanks again. I have honestly been trying to think of things that I haven't posted here. I haven't given the full scenario of how/why she left but only because it was in Oct and a long story. It really isn't because I've got anything to hide. I have tried to give the full story

I am glad to did come back, and hope you still feel free to post any woes here?

No need to justify anything... specifically with the walking to school..its the same here.. big groups of kids all heading in the same direction on the short walk to school; its an individual thing, who walks alone/when...

also, from what you say, you've made good steps to lay foundations of, change perhaps!? :) keep positive and plugging away at it.. but hey .. now its Friday night.. grab yourself some fun :)

mummiehunnie The OP came on this thread very down and looking for support. The last thing she needs is someone making some assumptions coloured by their own experiences and being critical. Sounds like she's getting enough of that from her XH.

The fact is our DCs often misbehave/go in to strops and act (as we'd think, as parents) 'out of character'. DCs are separate people and no matter how hard we try, sometimes they behave in ways that are incomprehensible and disappointing to us. That is NOT necessarily a reflection of our parenting. It's just life.

I'm sorry you have experienced neglect as a child and your mother wants to so strongly impose her own values on you now, she sounds a cow very strongly opinionated person. But please have some care for the OP who seems a bit, quite understandably, unsure of her parenting role at the moment.

Pickgo, there is a thread about rescuing on aibu, that may interest you !

You are not my teacher and I am not a naughtly little girl in your class to tell off, have a nice evening Pickgo!

Wirral If you are pretty sure that any voluntary access arrangements attempted with X would still be all about his shifts and what's convenient for him rather than what your DD needs I'd strongly suggest seeking some legal advice pronto. That way when you talk to XH about it it will be from a position of strength ie a solicitor can advise how a court is likely to view it and you can shape your requests accordingly.

Hope you have a good weekend, and do keep posting if it's helpful!!