My 11 year old daughter

[wirral]

has decided, since last October, that she wanted to live with her Dad, his girlfriend and her daughter.

I hijacked a previous thread and got such good advice that I thought I'd attempt my own.

I've been so sad since daughter left but am so ashamed that I have failed as a Mum that I haven't asked for advice before.

Daughter came and stayed this weekend. She spent the majority of time surfing internet and emsillng her Dad about which new mobile phone he is going to buy her (blackberry)

Today I tried to get her to do her homework. She needed to write a report on a bag. She and her Dad had decided to write about a designer bag that his girlfriend had bought her (a Kipling??) I don't know about designer bags. I offered to help her but she told me I couldn't as I don't know bag. I suggested she phone her Dad to help her but she refused. She then got angry with me and started being nasty. I phoned her Dad and asked him to come and pick her up. He did.

I am just so lost. Everything that I do is wrong. So sad

In an ideal world these things would be 'trivial'; like when you have a good friend that you know and trust, episodes of being a bit late here and there don't really matter so much. In your situation however, it is very important to be very clear about simple details and stick to them, as there is so much room for misinterpretation! It changes the rules altogether!

HTH with regard to your feeling you are being trivial? and instead address the importance of it.
Are you now looking forward to your holiday with Eleanor?

I do hope so

It is so good to hear that you agree with me. I do actually find punctuality important and it has been an issue in the past, similar to the shift working - I just appear unable to explain to ex why I can't agree with him.I agree with it making me feel unvalued etc. I make effort to get home on time for my "time" to not be thought of as important

I don't really want to look forward as wonder if she will turn up. I feel a slight pressure to "entertain" her. Friday onto Saturday won't be too bad as we can go out for tea after school. But need to find something to do for the Tuesday / Wednesday. Still I have a few days to think about it and get something organised.

Thanks Shriek

Oh this all sounds so good! a very different email to your first ones, and in such a short time. Very encouraging :) yes, like you say, time enough yet to set up some activities that you'll both enjoy and can do together. Maybe you could ask around for some recommendations to help with that?

Hi again, I was just giving some thought to how your excitement at plans for holiday are being dampened by worries of it not happening :( Just emphasise this to your ex, so that he knows to be aware of it and that it can't happen, the plans have been agreed and are to be stuck to. Its important that your daughter gets this message that if you've taken time to make these arrangements they are to be stuck to; and give her plenty of opportunity to air any grips when she's with you, in case there are any 'real' issues to tackle. These can't be done on the phone ;)

have a good evening :)

sorry, I meant 'gripes' - not 'grips'

timely message Shriek, I've just spoken to morose daughter again. I don't like to mention possibility of seeing her this weekend over the phone. I finished conversation by saying "I love you" but got no response back. I may be reading too much into it but I get feeling of impending doom. I'll try emailing ex tonight to get him to agree plan of action.

Thanks all
x

excellent news! that you are going to 'tackle' not that she is sounding morose of course! sort it out up front with him, it's the adult thing to do. You will then get your opportunity to ask her whats up.

but he must agree to do all he can to facilitate your relationship/access to her, anything less is out of order frankly.

Do keep posting if you need 'the words' which you say can be difficult to find to justify yourself. I am sure there are plenty of ideas out there to help out. good luck with your plans :)

Hi Wirral - What a positive step forward with your exH. Well done. Hope daughter's moroseness turns out to be nothing more than general "pre-teen" stuff.

By the way, my exH is a paramedic but has managed to negotiate a more regular "family friendly" shift pattern to facilitate contact with DS. Your exH might not want to or be able to do this but it might be worth him knowing that it can sometimes be possible.

Good Luck x