Dads paying for childcare

[LadyTremaine]

Hello,

Just wondering how many of yor ex's contribute towards childcare on top of maintenance?

Without being rude, I'm not talking about the shitbags who don't pay anything a t all or who are generally crap. I mean the guys who pay their reccommended CSA maintencance relibly.

I only wonder because my ex seems to think that because he is not legally obiged to help with childcare, I am unfair to ask him to.

In my mind, we both work, so we should pay half each?

Why doesnt CSA take this is to any account grrr...

My DDs childcare bill is about £330 quid a month term time and £700 during school holidays. He pays me £200 maintencance, unfair, no?

Ladytremaine, I think your attitude towards finances is commendable and mine is similar. I'm not with DP for his money.

However, what I did have to take into account when I moved in was the help I received through tax credits for childcare among other things.

Whilst I do think your ex should maybe be contributing more, he doesn't have to and you could be in a situation where you receive no maintenance at all.

I think maybe you need to accept things the way they are and then negotiate a fairer deal with the finances in the house if you are struggling. Contributing to household bills by percentage of salary is one way I have heard of dealing with things.

Hi theredhen, Thanks for your thoughts but this is quite an old post and I updated yesterday to say he has agreed to pay half of the child care.

My situation is that I don't get any tax credits or help with child care because mine and my partners income takes us over the threshold. Our house hold income is the same as my ex and his partner's because his new partner and mine earn the same and so do my ex and I.

My partner pays 2/3s rent and bill in our house and pays for all my luxuries (nights out etc) as does my ex's partner for him. My partner also pays way over the odds in maintenance for his own DD so there is no more money in the pot for a different way of managing our house hold finances.

I don't struggle, but neither does my ex and so I felt it fair that as we both had the child together, and we both go to work - we should share the cost of childcare...

Turns out, after 4 years, he agrees!!!!

I know I am 'lucky' in a way to be getting any maintenance at all but I did say in my OP that I wasn't comparing him to the scum bags that don' pay anything i.e. the lowest common denominator. I was asking others to compare him to moral fathers so I could understand if I was being reasonable in my expectations.

I'm just amazed at how much a resident parent thinks is acceptable to squeeze out of a non resident parent. This isn't just directed at the OP question but in general.

Surely a child doesn't cost that amount a month to feed and cater for?

Most people I know would be destitute in no time if they had to pay 15% of their income (After tax) to another households running costs.Maybe i'm just not middle-class enough to understand the problem in it's entirity?

The whole problem is caused by social engineering resulting in two parents having new families and wanting what THEY want. In the good old bad old days one parent worked and the other either stayed at home or worked part time (I didn't say it was a good idea to go back to that).

Childcare is expensive and because both parents aren't in situ more childcare is needed, that's a symptom of the
problem and is caused by social changes in family values.

My Utopia would be that..

Parents stayed together shouldering the finance and time.

If that isn't possible?

50/50 care down the line
50/50 reciept of any government childcare help.
50/50 agreement on expenses relating to the child/children.

Terms like "Man up" and "Deadbeat" together with the assumption that Men should just go ahead and pay only serve to render amicable Mother and Father post relationship relationships unworkable.

I'd like to see figures on how many absent Mothers pay costs?

%'s mean nothing and generalising situations by tarring one sex with the same brush doesn't contribute to a solution.

People barely have enough money to keep one roof over their heads let alone contribute to two.

SHARED custody is the way forward.

Good people and bad people should be just that...sex doesn't cme into it.

www.guardian.co.uk/money/2006/apr/10/childrensservices.freedomofinformation

The %'s are so small between us suggests bth sexes can be equally culpable of non-payment.

Adding the inept SCA into the equation and you get bedlam.

The problem will never be solved with an attitude like that.

But therein lies the conundrum.

Children live in poverty even when parents stay together.

This isn't anything new it's age old.

If parents are struggling to pay the bills while the NRP is still at home?

Why should that change when HE/she isn't?

me and my ex-h both listed all the costs incurred by our kids

Childcare
Clothes
Nursery
Afterschool Club
Sports lessons

then we divided that amount by half and he pays half towards it, as do I.

I run my house and he runs his house. I have the kids 4 nights a week, he has them 3 nights a week. I keep the CHB and as I am a low earner (below £25K) I also get Tax credits. He is a high earner (£50K plus).

It all works out fairly I think.

Boobalina

Bingo....

That's the way it should be, maybe if more people were that sensible and responsible there wouldn't be this battleground.

Dadaz - if I didnt receive tax credit or CHB, Ex would have to contribute a LOT more. Before I knew I could claim them he was giving me £800 per month... When my claim was back dated - I gave EX his amount of it to make it a fairer £300 a month for him.

I want an easy life, but I also want him to see I am fair and reasonable. Also, should some calamity befall us (ie me and Kids) I would hope he would step up and help out financially should we be really stuck.

Also Dadaz - our split was easier than most - no affairs / no violence / no MH issues / no terrible unreasonable behaviour - a mutal split.

Add all that to the mix and it makes for a VERY different story

Boobalina

Working together to find that solution must have helped the post relationship relationship flourish.
Obviously £/figures vary from family to family but the formulae you've adopted seems to work for you.

hmmm... in the main.

It still totally pisses me off everytime he has the kids, they manange to loose clothing, toys etc when out and about - which are expensive / precious. And he loftily says, oh well, you can always by some more hooded tops, nice shirts, toys....

thats where the I earn less than 25k and he earns over 50k pisses me right off.

I'm so bloody careful financially....

Patting someone on the head with a "There there" thrown in isn't giving advice it's pandering to a need. Practical advice that sometimes causes posters to look at themseves can also be beneficial.

Earlier on in this thread the blame if you want to call it that was laid firmly at the door of absent Fathers, when government figures dispute that.

If you don't believe that there should be a 50-50 split in responsibilities bringing up a child then perhaps I could suggest that you're working off some twisted logic.

Maybe I stumbled upon a Feminist agenda board that concerns "Gettng even" as more important than the welfare of chldren?

Only time will tell.

I think it's shocking to expect a new partner/husband/wife to contribute half the cost of childcare for another person's kids. If my DH had kids from a previous relationship I wouldn't want to pay for their childcare if there was already another wife on the scene! Nor would I expect a partner to pay for my kids from a previous relationship; not automatically and without discussion anyway.