feeling very down...ex now moved on to someone new

[Antalya1]

I found out a couple of days ago that my ex, we split up 3 months ago. Putting the pieces together he went into that fairly quickly, weeks after we split. I try to keep reminding myself how bad our relationship was in the end, but this has hit me like a ton of bricks, I was doing so well, but now feel as though I'm back to square one. I feel so low and really want to feel so low, ant advice from anyone who's been through this? My head's telling me to build a bridge and get over, but my heart is doing something completely different.

Oh poor you! I wasn't too bad last night,up at 3 to BF and went back pretty quick for a change.

I agree that those are the things we lose out on when a relationship ends,and their loss is what kills the structure of your social life - dreading Christmas ; listening to other people having family barbecues - pic-nics on the beach etc

Of course,I do all that with the dc - and we have great fun,I'm sure they don't see it as a poor second.But I feel I miss out through not having another grown-up to laugh with,share the chores and sit down with and reflect at the end of the day - not to mention someone to notice when I feel a bit weary and pull a bit more weight (or make me a cuppa) And someone for whom I can return the favour!

I have no wider family that we are in contact with,and that is why I think I feel it quite intensely.

I do have friends,but they are all having their own family time at weekends,never mind Christmas etc.I have found I've actually seen less of the friends I have over the summer holidays,as they all cram as much time in as a family with their husbands,partners,parents etc.The weekends are total no go.

But I do agree with what SGB says about our society being completely couple-focussed and wonder if I would miss my ex if this weren't quite so much the case?

If ,for example,it was normal for people to live,or at least hang out together in groups - like at school.Then I would be out there today organising a get together.What's to stop all the things I mentioned above being provided by more than one person - a day - in a group of different ,supportive,caring,thoughtful friends?

We don't tend to get that set up and I wonder if stuff like jealousy and competition;flirtation and affairs - or the fear of that-make this less likely.But again,that is all about the total domination of "couple world" as the only way,and therefore the easiest way to get those needs met.

In a really supportive group,the things you describe - more intimate details,maybe - would also be shared.

In fact,we would only need to mate for sexual intimacy and procreation - but if it didn't work out biologically,parenting would be a shared thing anyway,so "failed " couple relationships wouldn't be such a big deal.

Well,I'd be up for that.But it doesn't exist ,to my knowledge.
That's why dating sites are such big business I reckon!

But I know what I'd like - and I don't think I'll find it by dating1

But

To love and be loved is a basic need in all of us...the tricky part is picking the right person. In the right relationship it should be a life enhancing experience, however I really hate to be cynical but I do wonder if it is possible...maybe my stance is slightly skewiff....surely there must be couples out there who have loving enduring relationships, I know that I will search for this.

It definitely is a couple's world, look at holidays and the prices charged for single supplements...everything is geared towards two's.

Again I think that in a healthy relationship, the jealousy shouldn't play a part, unfortunately for some it does.

Mostly we are generally lucky with friends and acquaintances and looking at any of the dating sites, most do generally state that although they do have friends, interests etc. they are looking for that someone special to share life with..I believe that it is the way that we are wired, a basic human need.

Feeling a bit subdued today, not got dressed yet, friend called round, but no boys so sheer peace again...will really have to think about getting in the shower and dressed at some point!!

2 back,2 to come (tomorrow)....
That's the peace and quiet gone for a while! But I do get more done when they play with baby...

I think a lot of couples put up,or compromise a lot more than I would be able to. My second husband didn't want to leave and would be back like a shot - and take on baby,no issues.

He came on holiday with us for a fortnight in July (it was booked with xp last year,and I could't get a refund) and got TOTALLY on my nerves.I couldn't in a zillion years....

He'd also be happy to co habit and co parent and us both to see other people.We discussed it.
But no,he irritates me beyond all measure...
Totally genuine,harmless man,intelligent,well read,speaks 5 languages,published poet,ex rugby player...

But I'd rather be single forever than go there.....

Think harmless maybe the clue there...in the sense that I used it to mean D U L L...P A S S I VE ....B O R I N G ....

Not that I prefer to have someone harmful

I read somewhere on MN on a link something to do with on-line profiles about laid back meaning boringggggggggggg, and yes tend to agree with that one. I get what you're saying exactly, my boys father irritates the hell out me...thank god we live several hundred miles apart.

Bad bad me, still not showered or dressed yet...but I don't care it's my self indulgent day!

Been thinking again today about 'stuff'....all that peace sometimes really not good...but will post later...really do have to feed off-spring, get dressed, shower etc....oh it's been a tough tough day!!!

Has anyone got any tips on not blaming yourself for everything...I've reached the stage, where I think there is nothing else fresh to think about...I think that I'm just about all 'thunk out'...however I can't get over this feeling of blaming myself for the split, it's not of course, at the very least then it's 50/50..why on earth do I feel this guilt?.....just the last few days I've felt very reflective and 'stuck'...what I would love to feel is lightness of heart but feel that I'm a long way off this yet.

One thing that I was accused of was 'over-analysing'...in fairness I think trying to resolve issues can't really be called this, but perhaps he may have had a point...should I still be going over things..14 weeks after, is this normal?

I have come to the conclusion that the only solution for me is going to be time.......
Having spent a large part of the last few days reading and soul searching....then finding that memories of happy times still float into my head just when I think I'm busy doing stuff,making me sad and lonely.....

Well,I'm the better one,for sure.He's off doing whatever,not a backward glance,seemingly able to shut out memories,promises and our beautiful baby.
That can't be good for his soul.

So maybe being "thunk out" is a part of the process of getting over and moving on?

I would say that it is precisely his reluctance to resolve issues that has led to you going over them still.

I often feel an overwhelming need to speak to my ex and ask "why?" - about so much.But even if I knew where he was ,and would speak to me he wouldn't be able to answer.If he were capable of that,he would be incapable of what he has done....

So,it is all left with me.Unresolved and therefore so difficult to move on from.

I wish it were as easy as saying "what a bastard,I'm so much better of" ,then feeling lightness of heart - and peace.

Blaming ourselves is ,I think,easier.Because it puts us in control in some way.Blaming someone who won't engage- who isn't even around - leaves us "stuck",even if only with 50%.

But - not your fault,or mine.

I think it's a long process and that time is the only healthy way to process.
That's why it's so hard at this age...time ticking and all that..opportunities diminishing..

But,hey,it's definitely "normal"...

Yeah,I'm in a good place too...

I've been out tonight with my boss, whose also a friend, and she thought that I should be further on than I am, not meant in a nasty way at all, I suppose just an observation!

I feel the same way as you pinemartina, he wouldn't ever want to have the 'conversation', but why is it that some can just move on...do we think to deeply about things??? my situation is different from yours, we don't have a child together, which does make it a whole different ball game.

Why is it that we blame ourselves??? Very very frustrated that I can't just put this all away and 'move on'

Just thinking today, 3 weeks after we had split I was put into consulation at work ( I am OK now and was kept on) but I did send hom a text at the time saying brefly what had happened,,te response that I got was 'sorry to hear that, hope it works out' that's it, was I wrong to be hurt by that response?? does it make him a t**t or some one who really didn't want to engage??

Hi

Totally identify with this thread - it is a long healing process. I had panic attacks at night when trying to fall asleep for ages after the split - didn't realise others had it too - thought I was mad. I was my decision to leave by it has been a slow process.
Keep trying to join dating sites but don't know if i am up tp it - have so littel free time, can't be bothered having lots of dates and getting nowhere and don't trust my judgement.

Glad to know I am noy alone!

Hi Tiddlybear, sorry that you're also going through this, but in a strange way, sorry this does sound bad, it is sort of comforting that a few of us are having the same experiences.

I do wonder if there was a 'replacement' if that would help...somone to benshmark against?...as trite as it sounds life is short and I know in years to come, hopefully! we will look back and shake our heads on why we gave this so much time..how are you doing now? how long ago did you split?

Hi Tiddlybear glad you're joining us - I agree,there's comfort in numbers,somehow!

I just can't get my head around dating sites.Also can't be bothered with dates like my recent experience.I barely get contacted anyway - probably due to a very honest profile,5 dc and living in the middle of nowhere!

Yet,I would like some attention and frienship.
Not a replacement ,though I think I know where you're coming from,Antalya.

Agree life is short,too...another bank holiday to watch the families on the beach and long for companionship....don't get me wrong ,I will enjoy having a great time with the children....and I realise I am lucky and lots of people would long for what I have.....makes me feel selfish and foolish......

I try to think of myself in years to come when the children are grown up,longing for these times again,thinking how stupid I was to give emotional energy to this.....

But still.....

I will be back tonight for another selfish moan....

I keep hoping that I will look back at these difficult years when I am set up in a kife I am happy with and think how important it was to take stock before moving on.

I think a new man would be a good distraction but scared I end up with another abusive one!

Ex announced yesterday that his girlfriend of 6 months is nearly 5 months months pregnant - expected me to be sad!
He likes drama so expecting difficult times ahead when my dc's get their new half-sibling!

Will join a dating site - tries to enroll eharmonny- wne throught the whole thing - then was rejected at the end as I said I was separated and the only want single people - was so pissed off.

ahhh, how frustrating...you could try Dating Direct or Match.com, seen profiles on there where people are seperated.

I can identify 100% with not trusting your own judegement, I've also been through this, as of course at the start it's all flowers, romance and lovely attention...at least that was my experience with my ex! Starnagley enough, the part that I can get pissed off about is, is that when I met him, I had absoltuley no emotional 'baggage' no trust issues etc. and I hate the fact that I'm now such a synic

Not all men are abusive, there mst be some good ones out there

So sorry to hear of your news, how do you feel about it honestly? How have the dc's reacted to the news?

I have suspected she was pregnany for some time as when I was getting house ready to be sold there was a card congratulating them on "suprise lovely news" so had a bit of time to head round it.
Actually i amm angry that has got got someone pregnant, is clearly incredibly proud and acting like he is happy married man who has been planning this for ages ( it is all very strnage) when he has done everything in his power to delay divorce and sell of joint house so much so that everyone thought it was because he wasn't coping and didn't want to move on. I am angry that he has had so many excuses for not paying child maintenance ( he eanrs 80K) that by the time I now go to CSA the new baby will be here and my children will then get ( if he ever pays ) less than they would have done if he started paying 2.5 years ago. I feel he has cheated them in so many ways.
I actually am not jealous of their relationship, I know what she had ahead of her (he almost certainly has NPD) and wouldn't wish it on anyone.

My dc's don't know - everybody and their cat knew before us. My dc's are little, 5 and 4 and don''t remember ex and I as a couple (which I think is good) but don't realise that his girlfriend is more than someone who goes out with them no and then - I am trying to work out how best to exlpain it to them.
I am just so mad they he is proud of starting a new family with essentially s stranger when he has not ever stepped up to a a proper dad to his existing ds's and I know when he moves closer to girlfriend he will see them even less.
He tells the world how good a dad he is so that makes me sick as well.

For some bizarre reason don't possess a sinlge photo of me on my computer - so need to get that sorted then will definately join dating site - even for a laugh!

I agree Antalya 1 what is making it so hard to move on is the last of feeling part of something, I felt comfortable with the status as a married person, social life revolveda around this, extended family, all familiar , safe and nice.

Despite the fact that I do see ex for what he is when we, rarely, have a conversation, there is something so familiar and safe and comforting about it, I feel so lonley afterwards - after all he has done to me, that is weird but that is the way it is. I was only with him for 11 years but it was from 21-32 - we had so many shared dreams and experiences and planned whole life I can't quite accept that I have to go on an alternate path now. I suppose I am living in limbo and putting head in sand.

I can't believe that he earns that amount of money and hasn't paid anything, I have no experience of CSA as my boys Dad lives abroad and so the CSA has no jurisdiction over him and I don't have any children to my ex...but I'm certain that there are those on here are very clued up in this area.

My boys found about 18 months ago that their D had remarried 7 years ago and had 2 further children, my two were 15 and 12 at the time, the youngest shrugged it off but my eldest took is much harder, I wish that I had known all along as I would have mentioned this to them, but we all found out together. Yours are very little at the moment but I would drop it into the conversation at some point so it's not a secret, but plenty of time for that yet.

This being part of a couple business is hard to come to terms with when it does end, I still find it very hard to comprehend that it is still all over and we have no part of the extended life of his family/friends anymore. My boys still speak very casually of him most days, the normal, do you remember when etc. and talk about him as though he is still part of our family, which is is tough. So I do get that the idea of him starting a family must just be so surreal and from what you say it does sound as though he is sending really mixed messages.

I dip into the dating stuff but probably don't give it the emphasis that I should if I was really taking it seriously.

One thing that I do envy you for, is your ability to be happy that he's gone, I know that it's a mixed thing and there will be times that you mourn the loss of the family life.

I think in someways we are living in a strange stoppage in time, I still feel like this is all a bad dream...it's not as he's in a relationship with someone else and would probably be quite shocked that I hadn't also moved on.

Yes I am happy that he is gone. My day to da life at the end was awful. I was frightened of his temper and moods, suicide threats, smaashing up stuff etc. It took me a year to get the courage to leave so I used that time to see the real him.
I still haven't moved on emotionally though.
Do feel like I am in permanent limbo as don't know in what direction I should move on.
Also as I am sure you know being essentially 100% in charge of 2 children, busy job to earn money to keep us there isn't much time, practically or emotionally to move on .
I think people now think it is strange that I havn't moved on - but ex tends to have them 10-6 at the weekend with just the odd overnight and no predictibilty so it is really hard (or just excuses)

I can't imagine how hard it would be is I still wanted him - so very hard.

I'm sorry your children had to find out likethat it must have been hard - hopefully your older one will accept it.

I think I will wait a few weeks and start to mention it gradually to ds's - I agree that is the best way. They think girlfriend is some random person who turns up now and then but I suppose that will change.
ds2 is always talking about babies and looking after them - which does make me sad that I am not producing another sibling and another part of their lives that I am not part of.
Feeel really sad that when they are out and about everyone will think she is my son's mum and worried that they will seem like a proper family when there is just me a home who has to do all the boring stuff and they will resent me.

They may resent you at times because you make them do all the boring stuff, but in my experience their loyalty will always be towards you, not new GF.

That's not just my experience but also other friends as well, personally I tried very very hard with ex's DS to build a relationship but they never allowed it, I think that they thought they would be disloyal to their Mum somehow...also got to say that she was an incredibly controlling person and always did use them to exert her control, think in h9ind-sight that she bitterly regretted the end of the marriage even though she was the one to instigate it.

My mum though gave a rare piece of good advice quite a while ago, as I was unhappy did I really want to be in the same position 10 years from now, and of course the answer was no. Still hard though!!

On another lighter subject I could do with some dating advice, my judgement is so skewiff and so frightened of appearing vulnerable...eh I'm so rubbish at this dating stuff...well brief story is that I was exchanging lots of e-mail over the weekend with this guy, eventually we swapped mobile numbers, last night I was out and he initiated a couple of texts. He has said in his last e-mail that it would be nice to meet up.

He's on site at the moment, just checked, do I text him, or do I wait to see if he text's me??

Sod it, just sent him a text, lifes far to short to bugger around

Hi both!That's exciting Antalya.Nice bit of distraction`and attention.

I have had no interest on my profile at all this week!
Sorry to hear about your situation Tiddlybear.
My ex has NPD .I missed him badly today,and my dc were talking about him a lot,which does make it difficult.
I think,since I was only with him 3 years,I still held on to the fantasy that he would change,and stay in lovely mode at some point.Thought the baby would be a turning point.Well,she was! But not the one I expected.I guess I hadn't yet reached the point where I had had enough,although I was totally worn out with the nastiness.But he was still lovely in between.
I can't seem to shake the fantasy that he'll come back,changed.It is a total fantasy,though.He wont even speak to me or acknowledge me or our dd.My dc can't understand it at all.
At the same time,I know very clearly that I have had a lucky escape.It's very confusing.

I am so tired tonight after a day out walking on the beach with the dc! It was lovely and I know we will have happy memories.I 'd love to have someone to chat with and cuddle up next to now...

Hope you ger a text back and arrange top meet up! I wouldn't know where to start!

pinemartina you say 'after 3 only years' but it's relative, and after all you do have a child together so it's to be expected that you were not willing to throw in the towel. I was with my ex for 4 years, but I think that you have hit the nail on the head when you say you still hoped that he could change...the time was long enough to show all the issues but not enough to feel that there still wasn't something that couldn't be worked on. I'm in exactly the same place as you. I still half expect that he will get in touch and can't quite believe that he's done...unfortunately I can't ever foresee that he will not always have a very special place in my heart.

I think that for you it's the same, a badly behaved as he has been, and he has, there is still that longing for him...how did he behave when you were first pregnant? did he give any indication that he might go?

Just been exchanging texts, I have a date on Wednesday, but have a bad feeling about this one, think that I may frighten him a little.. oooooops!! But have to go on my 'taster' journey

Lovely to have a date!Why do you think you frighten him?!

When I found I was pregnant,we had just had a very passionate reunion,after having been apart for 4 months - due to his anger...
He had,supposedly,worked hard to begin to address his stuff.We started joint therapy.We went away for a week,when my dc were with their dads.

He was the "best ever" at that point - I suppose he had to be,or I would never have gone back with him.

We took my dc away for a fortnights holiday in the sun and it really seemed perfect for us all.He arranged a party at a beach bar with fireworks and a cake and got someone to film him making a speech to me and the dc saying how grateful he was for turning his life around,how he'd never let us down etc

He gave me a diamond ring.The pg was a surprise,but he was more pleased than me and made a huge fuss of me.The dc were so excited.

But he lost it again the week after...and left.That was early Sept last year.

He came back for Christmas and was "wonderful" until late Feb. Left again,worse than ever.
Returned after a week but went again,came back as I was going in for a cs - all hearts and flowers for a week,then...nothing since.

Don't know if I said already,but he has been formally told to stay away by health visitors report/solicitor.So ,as I have taken "ultimate control" in this way,he is ignoring us.

So you see,all very toxic.If it weren't for posting on the NPD thread,I'd still be trying to help him and blaming myself for not trying harder.

It will take a lot of getting over.And like Tiddly,I fear that I'd find another one the same.So best avoid them all for now!

HERE is a link to where the realisation started to dawn on me .

HERE is another bit

MORE,the end ..

Sorry if I'm presuming this is interesting!
I won't be offended if no one reads!

So. I've been wallowing in this a long while.