feeling very down...ex now moved on to someone new

[Antalya1]

I found out a couple of days ago that my ex, we split up 3 months ago. Putting the pieces together he went into that fairly quickly, weeks after we split. I try to keep reminding myself how bad our relationship was in the end, but this has hit me like a ton of bricks, I was doing so well, but now feel as though I'm back to square one. I feel so low and really want to feel so low, ant advice from anyone who's been through this? My head's telling me to build a bridge and get over, but my heart is doing something completely different.

Pinemartina i'm just at owrk at the moment, but nearly home time...yeahhh!!.. I am interested in the threads but will have to have a look when I get home. Hope today hasn't been to bad x

Pinemartina - had a look at your threads - had looked at a couple of them before. You have had such a hard time and are doing so well.
MY ex has NPD -and I agree the worst thing is that they can be so chrarming and say all the things you want to hear and souns so genuine, the you think, maybe I misunderstood, they are actually OK and "normal", you let your guard down a little and then they go in for the kill again.

I have been wallowing in my mess for an incredibly long time, one day I hope I will have thought and analysed it so much that it will all finally make sense. It is just so hard to talk about it in real life. I have managed to confide in a few good friends ut it is so hard to discuss all this as it all sounds so bizaree to someone who hasn't gone through it and it must be so dull for poeple to hear over and over again!

I've been immersing myself in NPD stuff again tonight,to try and put my head straight and get over myself.

1. I AM GLAD not to be there anymore

1. I DO NOT want any of that stuff again

3.I was BRAINWASHED ,and am still disengaging from that .

1. I just had a baby.His.She looks like him.But a beautiful ,innocent version.I adore her (obviously).That makes it more difficult and confusing.

5.I have tons of responsibility to carry.Alone.Every day.

6.I have no family.My parents never gave me love,so I will always feel a sense of loss/grief about that.

7.I have few friends.Little social life.

THEREFORE...

It is hardly surprising that I feel sadness and am lonely.I am grieving for an unreal imposter who never existed.
It's normal to feel this way.
It's not about "him".

With any luck,it will eventually pass.

Tiddlybear - MN is the only place I put any of this.It is a lifeline.

pinemarta you said in one of your earlier threads that you had a fantasy in that he would come back a changed man, me to, the last few days have been so hard and I miss him dreadfully. Don't know what's going here with me, month 3 was easy, so don't know why this month has been such a struggle. Perhaps finding out that he is in another relationship??? Is this normal to feel this way....and when on earth does this get better?

tiddlerbear pinemartina how are feeling, still up and down?

Could it be that we just pure and simple loved these men and that we are heartbroken that the relationships came to an end...perhaps nothing to do with 'picking' the wrong one, the only thing that we could perhaps be 'guilty' of is hanging in there to long hoping for a change and feeding of the good times...just luck of the drawer?? Don't know just pondering!!!

Off on another 'taster' tonight, well second one since I went on the web-site but I've now taken my profile off for a while.

Antalya 1 - 3 months is no time at all - I was still living in a complete daze at 3 months. You are doing really well - the fact that he has moved on so quickly, I;m sure is a sign of how superficial is is. I think id is completly OK to feel sad and angry and low about it, that is normal, just keep looking to the future and think how you would like your life to be (definatley without him!)

Starting to feel anxious about discussing the pregnancy of ex's girfriend. I tried to speak to ds2 today that she was daddy girlfriend but I don't think he understood - kept saying she was his girlfriend! Its not like they were a couple before was pregnant, they still don't live together so I find it hard to get my head round.

Today ds1 was proudly pointing out his little brother to s school friend and I realised how confusing it will be for them. They will have another sister or brother who they will see now and then at the weekend and will live 30 miles away, so won't be part of their lives. Since ex and his girlfriend are not keen on me meeting girlfriend I will be completely separate from that part of their lives -I would imaging it would be better for boys to say hello etc at drops off - I don't know

What do they say when friends, teachers etc ask how many brothers and sisters they have - I don't really have any friends with step families etc so all confusing for me -but I suppose small children don't worry about these things quite as much.

I think that children in general do get the new extended family set-up, they may just accept it..and not think to much of it all...but I think that you are doing the right thing being as open and honest as possible about it all, that way they will be matter of fact about it rather than it being a big thing.

The new baby may well be part of their lives, but then again who knows, strange that if they are having a baby together they arn't living together! It's still a very new relationship to be bringing a baby into it.

How do you feel in yourself about it all? you must have very mixed emotions about this?

Well my date tonight went well...it didn't...I did a really awful thing and something that I'm not proud of, I did go and waited until 10 minutes after we had arranged to meet and then went, I know that it's reasonable to be a little bit late, but sitting there I did think what on earth am I doing??? so I went, 5 minutes later he must have arrived and tried to call but I was on my way home and made excuses. Don't really know why I did this, a mixture of things, to many texts over last couple of days, which worried me, late to turn up, an e-mail about how his ex-wife did everything that she could to stop him seeing his son, possibly I'm over thinking things and perhaps tarring men with the same brush!!possibly just making excuses?? It has been difficult this eweek and I do think that 4 months on I should better than this, or not??

Antalya - I think you did the right thing in trusting your gut instincts there - that email about his ex sounds like a red flag to me.After all,you wouldn't be sending him messages about your ex before even meeting him would you!!!

OK ,so maybe leaving like that wasn't the best way,but he was late ,as you say.And maybe he may give his pre-date behaviour a bit of thought for next time....!
Don't give it any more thought.It sounds like you have discovered that you don't feel ready for this.I really don't think you are over thinking or tarring all men the same.

Seriously,I agree with Tiddlybear,4 months is no time at all.I think it is similar for me,at 5 months.After all,if it were possible to "get over" something so quickly,then that doesn't say a lot for the quality and depth of what we believed we were involved in.

If these losers can "Move on" so fast - and ,like Tiddly says,I don't believe it says much for them that they appear to have - then we were mistaken about them.

Tiddly,try not to worry too much about how your LO's relationship,or thoughts/feelings about your ex's g'fd and baby.

I agree with Antalya,children do take all this in their stride and accept family relationships that may be confusing to their parents.

My 5 dc have 3 different fathers.I was young when I first married,and heartbroken when my xh decided a settled life wasn't for him after all,when I was pg with dd2.
I was so upset at finding myself a single mother - of course I hadn't planned that - that I met and married 2nd h very quickly.With hindsight - of course!- that was a "rebound" decision.

We had 2 more dc very quickly and I desperately wanted it to work.But he was a disaster with money,and lied and got us into 60k worth of debt.I had to divorce him ,or lose everything.

I truly believe I was in a good place when I met my xp - confident,solvent,single parent life pretty settled.I was unlucky - again.He was a classic charming abuser and I didn't find out until too late.
He promised us everything,including proposing marriage - he asked my father for my hand ffs! He told me he really wanted a baby.

We didn't live together,as I was running my little family my way,and he was building his own house.We planned to move in at some point in the future.It was an arrangement we had discussed and were both happy with.

I had met his grown up dc.He got us all together last Christmas for a meal out where he showed off my engagement ring and pg belly proudly.

However,I have since found out that he had told his dc that we were a very new and casual set up - using our not living together as evidence.
He now maintains that I tricked him into pg in order to secure the relationship and "get a father for my dc".
His dd - age 30 and a mother - believes me to be a stalky bunny boiler single mother who has made up lies and fantasies about her poor father.No doubt ,his new gf believes the same story.

My own dc - ages 14 - 5 months - love one another and see no distinction between themselves,despite having different contact arrangements and relationships with their fathers. This is normal for them.They are quick to defend one another against some of the surprised or even judgmental reactions we sometimes get from teachers,other parents - even my own parents.

I wonder if your ex's g'fd has been spun a different story to the one that it seems to you?Just a thought.
I really think some of theses man have no soul.They are certainly damaging theirs with their seemingly "soulless" behavior,I believe
.

My baby has a whole family on her fathers side who want nothing to do with her - her father included.We could pas them on the street and she would never know.
I would never have dreamed that I would have a family set up like this.And this time last year,it seemed to be a completely different picture,

But my dc are happy,secure and loved.And they don't see their family as unusual or odd in any way.My eldest dd's father has a g'fd who has 3 dc from her xh. They all get along fine together - text and facebook each other too.Their relationship may or may not last forever,but all the dc's will have grown through it,not suffered in any way,whatever happens.

The problem is that I think that I may well be seeing red flags all over the place, when in all fairness after some time in life, we're all a bit battle scarred, sometimes not made the best choices, not behaved the best way etc. and so it is only fair to presume that all of us, men and women, will have the red flags.

Today I thought back to when I met my ex and it was intense, I went into it completely trusting and didn't see a single flag there, however if I met someone whom behaved the way that he did now (and he was lovely) I would run for the hills with suspicion...especially with his ex-wife turning up on our second date...should have seen the signs of controlling behavior then..but hindsight and all that!!

I'm sad that I'm so mistrustful now and weary (without even really getting into it) of the dating scene.

Today was another bad day, had to take myself of o he toilets for a secret weep!

pinemarta how could his grown up DC not see through her father, not taking away any of the love that she may have had for him, but surely she would question his version of events???...and regardless of what she believes to be the truth, she still has a half sister.

your children sound happy and grounded and that's all down to you...in the day to day slog, we all forget sometimes what a great job we are doing!!

I've reached the conclusion that some people should come with a warning sign on them...what a shame that we can't ask for a relationship CV, with references before we embark on anything!!!

No ,no/You haven't been all over the place ,have you?!!

The hindsight is good - invaluable (I tell myself!!)

I really think it's "arrested relationship development" - if I knew than what I know now...

And also.there's a lot of frogs out there - and yes,the available "pool" is ever diminishing....

My xp's dd has yet to wake up ,I guess.I think it is further evidence that some of us are more damaged than others - despite the injury.

No I havn't been all over the place, in fact wasn't with anyine for years..but I was so ready for a relationship and got it all so wrong!!! I do depair about meeting anyone else...but perhaps it's just not time yet

Still feeling very stuck today, has anyone got an ideas on how to move on???

I think it fluctuates day to day.
Today -not so bad.No idea why...
Last night - all night awake,panic,negative stuff in head...terrible

pinemarta how are you doing, how are the panic attacks? also are you feeling any better with life not so full of girls demands after school has started?? x

Thanks PM - I think I am worrying too much about the half-sibling thing - hopefully dc will take it in their stride - it would just be easier I think if my ex had had a proper relationship first with new gf (baby will be born 10 months after they met) because I suppose that life. Think I am bit naive to the world of blended families which are very common.

Antalya - no idea how to help with being stuck - suppose it takes time and learning not to think of ex because they are no longer important.

I am the same fine all day until about 10-11pm then minds very active, can't sleep then really grumpy in morning. Have long periods of time when OK and life is great but when ever have to deal with ex- legal stuff, contact etc he gets into my head so my head so much, it is horrible, I think all the self doubt comes back.
Also sometimes I get a bit lazy or exhausted with arranging adult company as it gets hard at holiday times etc when folk are busy and I get lonely and deprived of adult contact an get really low.
Everyone think I am fine though

This had been my worse spell for ages hopefull will eventually get the divorce which will made things easer.

PM - been looking at teh new NPD thread- very good I will have a look again - so many of us in the same boat.

These feelings of strength do come in waves don't they!! and the down times to...have you found over time that you are able to distract yourself easier, or has it all stayed just about the same.

It is really hard when children are still so very little, I'm lucky in that mine are older so I can leave them for periods of time, but I remember what it was like when they were little.

What we do need to get back on track with is our new little 'family unit' things seem verdis-jointed the last few months.

How have your children adapted since the split and do you sometimes feel as though 'there is someone missing'?

Yeah - sometimes for a whole month or so or even longer I feel absolutely great -but it doesn't take much to switch it. But definately getting better with time - I have been too slow in moving on (not even a date! in 2 years) but have to push myself forward.

Have more friends and more fun than when was with ex though.

dc were 3 and 2 wen split and have adapted fine which helps - they can't remember us being together and accept that the 3 of us are a family but I worry when they are older as atm noone else in ds1 year at school's parents are separated and it may be a problem at some point.

I think you did the right thing when your date was late- start as you mean to go on- they could have phoned to let you know.

I was by myself when I split with my boys dad for years, I think when they are still small it is much harder and hey do take up so much more of your time...as he years go by, although getting older is rubbish, the freedom that you havs is fanastic.

I really wasn't bothered to much when minw were small, but now I feel that is's 'my time'.

Seperating when they are small is easier definatly, but being one of the few families around that are single parented does make you feel a little bit out on a limb at times though.

I'm starting to have a little more fun now though, got chatted-up by a 28 year old this weekend good for the old ego, but oh spot the red flags on that one!!!..and I know even if he was older I'm far from ready yet.

When the dc 's are at their Dads, do you have a chance to get out and socialise with friends??

trying to insist on fixed contact times -it is hard going but slowly getting there. That will make it easier to get out and about as if I only know the day before hard to make plans - so hoping life will get better.

I'mm glad you agree itis hard with little ones- feeling like a rught saddo!

Definately now your dc's are older is your time - hope things start to get better for you and more interest from 28 year olds (If younger men are your thing

Noooooooo young men definitely arn't my thing, I didn't even realise that I was getting chatted up as I just thought that we were 'chatting'...it wasn't till a later that the penny dropped!!

Definitely want someone with a little more life experience and much closer to my age, but hey ho.

Glad that the contact details are getting better, I take it that there aren't any set times, is this something that you feel you could insist on, so that you can plan some 'you' time?

Hi both!
Yeah,still fluctuates.I think it's harder due to breastfeeding.Baby seems to be hitting another growth spurt and has started waking in the night at 3 and then up for the am at 5.30....the lack of sleep is getting to me again....

and of course,it all makes me miss/resent the x bastard...

Was on the new NPD Thread most of yesterday evening.I am still at an early stage of "recovery" ,I think.Way too soon to be worrying about "moving on".I'll just have to accept that this is a sad place to be for a bit.

School has become a complicated deal .I decided to move my younger two - 8 and 9 - tot a different Primary.Trouble is,I took them out before doing the arrangements,and it turns out the new one doesn't have space for them both.I have appealed.DD age 8 starts today,ds,9,well,I will be waiting on the results of a meeting which has not yet been set....so ...he's still at home with me..his behaviour reflects his anxiety about it all....nightmare...

Older girls now up to their necks in homework ,friendship dynamics and attitudes....

The wide age range is showing at the mo....

Have typed this in a rush before school run..

will be back tonight!

Pinemartina - in complete awe of how you manage with your 5 - including a baby. I just abour get there with similar aged two!

I struggled with 2, so juggling the needs of 5 is amazing, especialy throwing in the total lack of sleep...you're doing fantasticaly well

After a fairly good weekend, left feeling unhappy and resentful that he's happy and at one with himself, don't know if I should feel envious of people that can put everything behind them...well only the years to come will tell!!

After a really good weekend, lot's of socialising with friends etc. woke up this morning feeling really really flat, and also for the first time in my life bitter...I've never felt this before...and don't like it one little bit. it's destructive and totally unhelpful, so hopefully I will snap out of this one pretty quickly.

The bitterness comes from feeling that he's happy and has moved on (I feel like a broken record, but if I don't get it out I'm going to explode)...and the loneliness has hit again today with full strength..how I don't know, I've been at work all day surrounding by people!

I really really miss him today, I miss the familiarity...why on earth would I miss this when I was so unhappy in the end?

Also a cyber friend (made from a dating-site but we never met) has been great to chat to by e-mail and has given some really good insights, both from an impartial and mans point of view, but last night I was upset when he said that I had to admit to myself that I was more committed to the relationship than my ex and that I had clearly loved him more than he loved me....very true I know, the facts speak for themselves, but upsetting nonetheless.

How's everybody else doing?? good day? bad day? pinemarta any more news today on the school, they surely have to come back with an answer soon, they can't just leave this in limbo??

Veeerrrryyy tiiiiiired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Baby is feeding loads day and night - thank goodness I know from MN how normal this is.But am exhausted and it's making me irritable and moody with everything.

House a tip,sooo much to do all the time and everyone wants my attention all the time!

I wont hear from the education dept til later in the week.DS is very unhappy - moody,not willing to cooperate - not like his usual self.Just what I need.....

Here's where I realise that what I "miss" is most likely an idealised version of a fake man....if he were here now,my xp would definitely be adding to my problems....he was never any good at supporting me when I needed him...but I didn't often need him,it used to be me and thee dc,and him and me on my free weekends/holidays.

So,reality or insight or whatever.I am up to my limit and hanging on by a thread,exhaustion and stress-wise.But glad I don't have to factor him in.And that teaches me a lot.

Don't get me wrong-I'd love a cuddle from a caring,loving partner - even a cup of tea would be nice...but he would so not be doing that if he were here...

And what I need can't be found.Not at this point.And by the time i could start looking,i won't need it.

Hey moan over!

pinemarta I so remember that overwhelming need for sleep, any chance that you can get a little help from local friends...wished I lived closer as more than happy to come and give you a few hours to get some sleep.

You're right being with the wrong person makes it feel even worse.

What about baby clinic, any chance of some support from Health visitors?? you're be your self with 5 children, surely there must be something that they can offer?? Sorry not being much help here, but really feel for you.