feeling very down...ex now moved on to someone new

[Antalya1]

I found out a couple of days ago that my ex, we split up 3 months ago. Putting the pieces together he went into that fairly quickly, weeks after we split. I try to keep reminding myself how bad our relationship was in the end, but this has hit me like a ton of bricks, I was doing so well, but now feel as though I'm back to square one. I feel so low and really want to feel so low, ant advice from anyone who's been through this? My head's telling me to build a bridge and get over, but my heart is doing something completely different.

Yes to country pub - but as I live in the back of beyond,that is as in "local pub for local people" style....!

Will have to drive so no drinking ,worse luck...

white wine spritzer is the answer there, still a little bit alchohol to relax but not enough to send you over the limit :)

Hi ladies. Can i join this thread?

I am in the same position. Married 20 years and h left me 6 months ago. He was living with ow after about a month. Verbally abusive all through our marriage.

He is now saying he is the happiest he has ever been in his life she treats him like a king etc(doormat i think).Has told me he hates me....I don't understand why he would hate me when he was the one who left.

Him and her playing happy families with my 4 year old, it breaks my heart.

Anyway I want to move on so badly, don't want him in my thoughts anymore and would like to start dating but am terrified. Also in my 40's like you ladies. Life is just so hard and I am sick of carrying round what seems like a heavy burden of pain. I just want them to be unhappy and it takes over my life and i want it all to stop.

Hi Pinapplecube, lovely that you're joining us. By the sounds of it we're all in the same place, want desperatly to move on and reach that point where we can feel nothing but indifference towards them, instead of wishing them all the bad luck possible. It's human nature I think not to wish well on someone that has caused us so much pain and you're ex sounds like the classic acse of blaming everyone around him for his own short givings.

From your comments it seems as though he is still really mixed up, perhaps with feeling a little guilt...and it must be difficult when you feel that they are 'playing happy families':(...but onwards and upwards, it's so true that the best form of revenage is to get on with your life and be happy.:)

Have you had a look yet at the on-line Dating Sites? It is just baby steps, but after your confidence has taken a beating it's nice to go out on a date and feel desirable again.

Truly, you will sit there and for an a couple of hours or so, you're mind will totally be off your ex.

I'm also finding little flash-buld moments of realisation, I had one of those on Saturday night, only for a second or two, when I briefly thought that I would never have had that type of conversation with my ex and what a rotten relationship it really was. For many of us on this site, our relationship was so unhappy for so long, that the idea of being with someone who makes us happy and treats us well is totally alien, but nice men must be out there! (hmm)

Take some positive steps to move forward, you'll feel better about it honest, keep posting please.

pinemartina - well how did it go last night??????

pineapplecube Welcome!
Sorry to hear about the end of your marriage.

I am finding it very confusing ,moving on from a relationship which I am actually very glad to be out of,but "missing" my ex ,somehow.

I think it is because of the extreme contrast,in my xp's case,between his "kind,gentle" persona,and the very nasty,abuser who would suddenly appear when he didn't get his own way.
Of course,I am relieved to be rid of the abuse,but it was the "nice side" and my hopes that eventually he would "stay nice" that kept me hanging in there.The last year,I was pg,and took him back despite it all for baby's sake.

So,moving on is about coming to terms with the realization that he was never "nice ,really".The real him was the mean,scary one.

He too,hates me now and is "happier than ever" apparently.

Dating is scary! I have mixed feelings about it.
But ,although I am not ready for a heavy emotional connection,I think making myself look presentable ,getting out to a grown-up environment under my own steam, and putting in the effort it takes to be chatty,interested and sociable - anxiety included !- is actually therapeutic...

Yesterday evening...Well,I thoroughly enjoyed the planning and organising it took for me to be out of the house on time - and so did my dc.I enjoyed washing and taking the trouble to blow dry my hair and put on make up,best jeans and top (casual,of course!).And I really enjoyed driving alone,music playing,anticipating the unknown.I spoke to myself in no uncertain terms,telling myself that I would make sure to keep chatty and cheerful and enjoy myself,yet at the same time,to keep a step back and notice what impressions I was forming and why....

It turned out that I already knew my date! Only to say hello to,but he lives locally (inevitable around here) and runs a local business which I ,and several friends ,have used,more than once.So I knew he was pleasant before we met up.

What was interesting was checking out how "chemistry" works.I have done a lot of thinking about this this am and hope I am not "over-thinking" here...this is turning into a long post...!

He is a nice looking man,looked like his picture.But I already knew that...I was reassured to find that there was no "instant attraction" .I will always be wary of that,given my experiences of verbal abuse as a child...(see NPD/Stately Homes Threads in Relationships for more info)He was easy to talk to ,and didn't throw ego about everywhere! I held back judgement for the first hour (!!!) allowing for nerves and the slightly artificial set up...However,I have to say that by the end of the evening,I knew everything about his business,employees,his diy projects,son,ex wife ,all his holidays in the last 15 years and the last 5 mobile phones he has used.And the speed of his wi fi access )???)

He would like to see me again.

However,I think I will decline.

BUT - I still had a very positive experience.I felt confident and in control.I was ultra -aware of what signs to be [ looking out for
and it was lovely to be the focus of undivided adult attention for a couple of hours,even though he barely seemed to want to know anything about me! We each bought a round of drinks, and I enjoyed going to a pub I wouldn't usually visit.

I am not sure I would want to go on endless dates,hoping to find "the one".But,I am not sure I really think there is such a thing,And I would be happy to meet interested ,interesting men - and women socially.I could join "a club".I may do,in fact..! But I would also enjoy a bit of flirtation,a bit of chatting up,mutual banter!.There was none of that ,yesterday!

Is that where "chemistry" comes from,or how it grows?
I would expect to have to give several meetings/dates to really find out about someone...
Unless there were very obvious issues(such as being boring)
Well,I have discovered quite a bit about myself already...and the experience has put my xp into a different "file" in my head...

Let's keep moving on!

glad that you went and enjoyed the overall experience of it, my boys are older, oh but I do remember that absolute joy and of being in the car by myself without having to listen to a disney tape!! I take it that he was a tad boring?? possibly a bit of nerves made him chat a little bit to much?

You're self awareness is amazing, my head is still all over the place (again comes back to giving out great advice to others...but so rubbish with myself!!(confused) It's such a strange thing, knowing that you can't go backwards, but still wanting to wave a magic wand and make all the last few months seem like a bad dream and for them to the person that you wanted them to be, that kind, considerate, loving person that the rose coloured spectacles keep on conjuring up, when in reality they're really wern't like that at all, just got a little glimpse of that side of things now and again (rarely). I think that the manipulation went so deep that in reality it will take me some time to come to terms with things.

Just out of interest, what are the signs that you look out for? my red flag radar is a bit skewiff at the moment(confused). I'm out on a second date with him tomorrow, am I moving to fast? should I have left it till the weekend...ahhhhh... and he think's that I'm confident...well the cat will soon be out of the bag on that one!!!! I don't even know if he really likes me, although taking this as a good indication that he's asked for a second date....now just need to find a good shop where I can buy some self confidence from!!

Just on another note, this postings help me so much...I do have friends honest and they're great, but unless you are going through this yourself it can be really hard to understand sometimes.

It's great to have a place like this to post,I agree. I find it works a bit like a diary ,but with feedback!
I can put all my deepest fears and thoughts onto paper,so to speak! This helps me to acknowledge ,process and work through them.And the validation, when others agree,share and comment,is priceless.

I am just popping out with LO's - older two just gone to xh1 for a week -AAARGH ,no one to delegate to!!
I will be back later to paste some links for you and I want to respond in more detail to what you say x

Antalya - HERE is a link that I think you will find interesting (click on the word "HERE",above,and sorry if you know that already!)

I wonder if you have noticed that you are directing your anxieties towards wondering what your date thinks of you?

As in,whether he is mistaken in your confidence levels,or whether he really likes you,if tomorrow is too soon...?

How about shifting the focus.

Does this man seem like the kind of person who deserves to spend another evening in your company...?

Why does he deserve such a privilege ?

It is a privilege.
You have escaped a miserable situation because you decided that you deserve better.You know that you don't want second best.But what do you want? Does he have any of the qualities that you would consider highly desirable as a companion for you?

It is easy to feel relief that a man is kind,attentive,interesting and not a moaning,bossy,arrogant,bully. But lots of people/men are kind etc,but would still not be quite up to standard for me.For lots of reasons.....!

Is he being genuine about important things that he has told you,or that you may have picked up?

Is being confident/not confident a character trait that is important to you? Why/why not?

When you are getting ready to meet him,at this early stage,are you thinking to yourself - " I look my best and feel great,I hope he's aware how lucky he is and prepared to work hard to prove to me that I should see him again.."?

I'm serious.This is what I am doing.

This is dating,not befriending.Therefore,we should all - us,the chaps we are meeting - do our best to :
Be clean,tidy and presentable
Be friendly,warm and chatty,initially
Engage in interested,intelligent conversation which involves give and take on both sides,in order to a) have an enjoyable time; b) be respectful of the time we are both giving up to the date and c) attempt to find out if we share enough mutual interests - click enough - to meet again.

I am not on a shelf ,hoping to be chosen by someone who is kind enough to give me a try -

• I am not suggesting you are doing this ,BTW!!! -

Nor am I so lonely,sad,disillusioned that I need to "make do" or "compromise",if that involves any "putting up" with anything I find boring,annoying,uninteresting,distasteful etc..you get my drift,I'm sure!

I gave loads of love,time and energy in good faith ,for a long time past my better judgement,to a man who betrayed my trust.He was delightful for a good while,and even in between badness,was loveable.

I absolutely deserve to be regarded as a complete catch,in every sense.By any man I date.And even if I am,that in itself does not entitle a man to anything.
I intend to be respectfully upfront and honest in discussing all of this,right from the start.2nd date on.

This is an affirmation!!!!!!!!!

Wow pinemartina...that made very interesting reading, especially the quick attachment section. It was a very intense relationship very quickly, involving me in decisions that I felt were very personal to him and not appropriate for me to part of major decision making so early in the relationship (a matter of a couple of weeks) also the talk of marriage after a few weeks etc. etc.

I was definitely on a pedestal the first 8 months or so...and then when I fell off I just played catch-up, confused with what had happened!!

I always did feel very nervous around him, and just not quite good enough..favourite saying of 'his standards'.

At work I'm perceived to be a very confident character..and well liked..I believe..but on the home front..well that's a different matter. The end of this relationship was the most painful thing that I have ever been through in the whole of my life, and knowing that I just had to let it go was truly awful. I'm good at resolving conflict and coming up with solutions and so it was beyond my comprehension that I just couldn't 'fix' this, but then again I had spent so long fixing things that I'd run out of ideas.

As for his moving on so quickly, as painful as it is, I know in my heart that this is his way of 'coping', I'd stopped giving him the attention that he craved and my barriers were up so high, that he jumped before he was pushed, so to speak, our relationship finished for exactly the same reason as his marriage...so no lessons learnt there then!

This feels very self-indulgent to be writing all my inner most thoughts down, but your point on a diary with feedback is spot on and the affirmations hep enormously.

Again you're right, I am a good catch and any man is lucky to be with me...my new mantra an d I'm going to stick with it.

First red flag, date from tomorrow night has just called to make arrangements a bit of chat but hasn't asked me any questions about myself... so we shall see what tomorrow night brings!!

Again you're spot on with the attentiveness...after living so long with someone who would look me up and down as though I wasn't measuring up to his 'standards' I could if I'm not very careful fall for the attention that anyone lavishes on me.

pinemartina you should be a CBT therapist..

Anyway after all this...what about you..are you definite on giving up on the dating???

P.S. did mean to say to anyone that is reading through this thread, please join, the more shared experiences and support that we can give each other the better

No,I don't think I'll give up.
But I will see it a process of self discovery ,and practising what I preach

And I will keep reviewing how I am coming across in my profile - if I do go on a few dates,it will be interesting to take into account how they seem to read me in relation to what I put. For example,the chap yesterday said I looked nothing like my photo - but in a good way.(bearing in mind he had already seen me before) I didn't change my photo ,but have added another.

I may well add something about my being interested in people who are reflective and like to know what makes people tick!

My relationship with xp was classic too.
No more losers for us!!

No more losers definitely, the biggest lesson that I have learnt is not to let something drag on for years that is so toxic..

Antalya are you going out tonight?

If so,have a fab time and let us know how you get on!x

Yes going out tonight, so this will be the telling time, 2nd date and all that, plan to try and open up a bit, i.e talk a little bit about myself, just a little concern that he hasn't asked any questions about me may be making him a little nervous though as he did talk about last night about on of my tests!!! (men that can cook) I wasn't aware that I was giving that impression, but then again I am very guarded with men until I know them...anyway let you know how it goes

Remember - you are looking to see if he is worth your time!!! Guarded is good!

Let him woo you,or bye bye!

Oh...just got back from date and so disappointed ..as I drove up he was waiting outside the restaurant and I just didn't fancy him..

Meal went ok, but it wasn't until the end that he asked me a little about about me, he's such a lovely guy but I wanted a lovely flirt (he's very polite) but we ended up talking about religion and schooling,kids etc. most of the time interesting and intelligent debates, but I want Romance...oh and I so need a little of something else pretty damn soon!!!

He did go to touch my hand during the meal, later on, but I don't know it didn't seem right. However the last 30 minutes we started to touch on more personal matters and that got more interesting...and he can see that I am headstrong.....but oh worst of all what I dreaded would happen did...I thought of my ex and missed him, that is a disaster as he is the last person that I wanted to think about.

Right going to give it one last try, think meeting up on Sunday and I think that I'll suggest that he cooks, maybe a less formal set-up may help, I will also point out that he really knows not a lot about me.

Didn't forget my mantra and absolutly no lack of confidence at all!!

Had a little reflection time and think that although there is something to be said for attractions that grow once you get to know someone, after two dates there really isn't any chemistry there at all.

Lovely bloke, but think that two dates is enough to start asking some questions about me. A biggie for me is my two boys, we come as a package, I just found out yesterday that after tests my eldest son has dyslexia and so this was obviously on my mind, I did mention it, he asked 1 question and then moved onto something else.

Also to much talk about his money...massive turn off...don't care what car he drives, how much he has in the bank etc.

Disappointed but...pragmatic

Well done ! It is disappointing ,but that all sounds like really useful self-discovery?

Definitely with you on needing the romance!!!!!

Two dates is absolutely enough,he sounds similar,in some ways to the chap I met.He actually told me he rarely gets past the first or second date and asked me why that was,but as I started to reply,he moved onto something else,about him....

Nerves or not,they need to sort that one,not us.I don't think there should be much room at all for "giving someone a chance" or the benefit of the doubt at such an early stage - if at all!! So well done for your reflection.

Good stuff re confidence and mantra

i found my mind straying to sad thoughts of my ex during my date.I had promised myself that I would not sabotage my chances - or let him - by allowing him headspace,so I pushed him away.
On reflection,I wonder if I could use that positively in some way..maybe,because date was so lacking and I was therefore bored and disappointed,I was actually remembering characteristics about my ex - when in nice mode obviously.
Could it be that there is something to be gained by pinning down the traits that I miss - attentive,sharp humoured,quick,gentle voice etc...
Not that I want to replace him - an abusive bastard,after all - or replicate,but perhaps there are some dealbreaker things to look out for?

However,All the energy the whole first date stage takes up before even meeting,I wonder if I can be bothered.

But YES, would seriously love some romantic attention
Dream on......

Hi. I haven't read the whole thread as I have little ones jummping on me! lol. But I am in a similar situation. My husband left about 6 weeks ago and last night pictures were added to his facebook (by somebody else, not him) of him on sat night with another woman. He was meant to be seeing the kids the next day because, suddenly at about 11pm he told me he had to do overtime at work (which was a lie).

He moved out 6 weeks ago and has visited the girls twice. Yet he has had time to meet up with an ex and now meet this girl.

I know I am MUCH better off without him, but after seeing his pictures last night I couldn't sleep worrying about who it was and what had happened between them, how long it has been going on for or if it was a one night stand etc. Its driving me mad today and I don't even know why!

at work, not even pretending to work!! the worst part about it all is that it has left me feeling so flat.

Our dates do sound very similar, I learnt:

All about his daughters
What college/schools they go to
How much money he spends on them, just bought them houses/cars etc...
What he does in his spare time...in detail
All about his work
Religious beliefs
The merits of public versus private schools
Where he grew up
What his lawn looks like
How his neighbour has inadvertantly cut through his television cable
The layout of his lawn
How his heart has been broken
What car he's going to get next and how much the deposit was
His test drive in a maserati
Why his DS's were given their names, and friends/families views on his DS's names
...and the list goes on...

Questions I was asked...
Is dyslexia where you can't spell/read...subject swiftly changed to DS's vast abilities!
As I was getting into my car after 2 1/2 hours together..'what's your son called'
..errr that's it for questions for me.

SMP..welcome to the thread..how truly awful for you, no wonder you didn't sleep, that must have been a very upsetting thing to see
I know that it would have upset me greatly.

6 weeks!!! agh...it's to soon for all that to be in your face.

What were the circumstances of the break-up, were you happy for him to go?

It's upsetting because it's all so recent and seeing him with someone else when you had been a couple is surreal.

Would speaking to him about it make you feel any better and would you want to speak to him about this?

Remember that ther are nice men out there, but also a lot of knobs. And the majority of these knobs are not really awful, they are just dull, mildly sexist (they don't think you are as important or interesting as they are, because you're only a 'woman' and they just assume that you will prioritize their needs and feelings over your own). The thing is with dating, is if the bloke's a knob you can simply say, 'Thanks but this isn't for me,' and walk. Dating, particularly dating peole you have met through a dating service, is about checking people out to see if you like them or not. And anyone who whines, or tells you you are wrong if you don't want any further contact, is an immediate red flag for either loser or abuser.
But a handy tip for getting over tosspot XPs is to build a picture in your mind of the XP in question. Sat on the loo, skidmarked pants round his ankles, unwashed hair, maybe a spot or two, picking his nose with one hand and dispiritedly fiddling with his floppy cheesy cock with the other. And farting. SUmmon that picture to mind every time you start missing him.

SGB oh how I'll keep that image in mind..that and whining on about how hard done to they are!...and the dull comment is spot-on about latest date!

It does work... if such a thing is really too base and vulgar, the other one is to build a picture of said XP behaving in a thoroughly ridiculous and embarassing fashion - having a petulant tantrum at some poor sod in a restaurant because the peas weren't equidistant from the chips on his plate or similar - a time when the XP was not just in the wrong but showing up his worst qualities and bring that to mind...

SGB -PMSL - Shrieked so much that baby dd slurped off my boob and laughed at me !
I can so picture him like that - the asshole.

"dispiritedly fiddling with his floppy cheesy cock"
That is classic...ha ha ha!

Warm welcome SMP .Sad for you.

I seriously wonder if I would be likely to meet any man who could live up to my standards now..I have a very low opinion of most of them tbh.