feeling very down...ex now moved on to someone new

[Antalya1]

I found out a couple of days ago that my ex, we split up 3 months ago. Putting the pieces together he went into that fairly quickly, weeks after we split. I try to keep reminding myself how bad our relationship was in the end, but this has hit me like a ton of bricks, I was doing so well, but now feel as though I'm back to square one. I feel so low and really want to feel so low, ant advice from anyone who's been through this? My head's telling me to build a bridge and get over, but my heart is doing something completely different.

I know that is is probably posted somewhere on MN already, but this describes my relationship down to a "T".
www.sedonapsychicreading.com/narcissism-energyvampires.php whish is probably why I was on AD for a lot of the time!!

Just some thoughts..... I had always felt throughout the relationship and especially at the end that I was emotionally dry, I had nothing else left to give.

He was arrogant and very emotionally distant, I always had to understand his 'sensitivity' but I never got the same back in return.

I did always recognize that he was passive aggressive, but just didn't align this with Narcissism.

He would cut himself off for days/weeks..until he knew that I was sufficiently broken to accept him back with as little resistance and questioning 'analysis' of the problem as possible, just thankful that he had 'forgiven me'. Again often referred to by my family as 'a cold fish', due o his lack of emotions, apart that is of course for his own feelings.

There was absolutely no closure on the relationship, no discussion.

Interestingly enough he old me a story of a relationship that he had after his split from his wife, he was in this relationship for a year, when that finished, he started a relationship with one of her friends, when I questioned this, he could' see what the problem was or at the very least hat it was perhaps insensitive..he just didn't get it.

Looking back I tried very hard to get his praise in anyway...it never happened after the early days.

pinemarta how are you doing?

Hi - I'm about to go to bed.Just posted on NPD.
Your last post sounds just like my xp.Except my family adored him......
I think something has clicked in me this week though.I am currently only in touch with bad feelings and relief about xp.No missing him stuff going on.

I do think the lack of closure is what adds the edge of craziness - for us - at the end.
I remember sitting there one night feeding the baby while he ranted on and on and thinking to myself that I must keep hold of the hate and revulsion I was feeling towards him,and how next time he went off in a mood,I would never let him back......

Thanks for your support tonight!
Goodnightx

pinemarta how are you doing to day, have you heard from DS, has everything settled down a little, it's good that he was at his D last night, you all needed some time out or else the situation would have escalated even more. My ds used to go to his Grandma's and I learnt that it was important to clarify with him that it was not 'a punishment' my love reamined unchanged, just that we all needed a little think time.

I'm doing well today, I can't tell you what a weight it is off my shoulders that I don't feel the guilt anymore, more importantly I don't feel the absolute rejection and such an utter failure. Whenever we did 'talk' everyuthing was always about him and his feelings, I can only ever remember one occassion when he asked me with genune feeling how I felt. I think that the only thing that I have to be on my guard for is not to falsely attribute other men with the same traits...but beginning to trust my 'red flag' radar a little more now.

Hi,I have posted loads on NPD about it all,so will let you catch up there!

Yes,a break will do us all good.I'm off with girls as soon as they're home from school and will be staying with a friend until Sunday.

I hope next week will be peaceful.Not much energy left...

Glad things are getting easier for you.It's incredible how the descriptions on those links describe these men so exactly.Sometimes I read someone's post in Relationships and seriously wonder if they are talking about my ex,really him!

I am so exhausted by bullies that I seriously doubt that I will ever want another man anywhere near me in my life.I have never felt that so strongly before.

Have a peaceful weekend everyone x

Just thought as I was up at this ungodly hour that I would post on here as I havn't for a few days now. pm I've been following your posts on the NPD thread, things arn't easy are they at the moment but I do admire the way that you have been handling everything...it must have been horrendous last week.

I'm up at 5.30 anyway for an early flight so no point in trying to sleep now..after a few hours of tossing and turning I've given it up as a bad job.

Still turning everything round in my mind, re-reading the NPD and Emotional abuse stuff on the threads and internet, problem is that I do keep on remembering the nice times...however all those memories do come from the first year...so there's quite a few years that I have unpleasant memories from!!

I did probably not a very wise thing tonight, after resisting for months, I set up an alias and read my exes profile on the dating site..I've been aware that it's been there for months..in fact probably from the day that we split, he's never taken it off although I know that he's in this new relationship...cyberstalking I know, but curiosity just got the better of me...no surprise that he describes himself as kind, thoughtful, romantic blah blah..in fact if I didn't know him I would think, oh what a lovely guy....the ironic thing is that the person he is looking for needs 'to be comfortable in her own skin'!!!!...my only thought was that they may be when they meet him, but give him a few months and that'll change!!...I know I'm going to get lambasted for cyberstalking...but over the last week I've slowly started to feel a little like my old self again and so I sort of take it as sign that I am a little stronger, as before it would have hurt to much to look at it.

Definitely decided to stay out of the dating scene for a while...it's just far to much hassle and uses to much head-space.

How is everyone else????

Hi Antalya!
Just found this as not been on much the last few days....Think I just crashed with exhaustion after all the stuff last week.

I have had really bad nights all this week - waking up in between bf'ing then having continuous panic and bad thoughts which I just can't get under control.Hardly had any sleep at all.

I have thought about posting on MN in the night many times,but never know what I'd say...Everything seems loads bigger and scarier without the daytime distractions....think I'd sound pretty loopy if I posted what was going on in my head then!

I don't blame you for looking at your exes profile,I'd love to be a fly on the wall into where my ex is now.

It's a pity there's no online name and shame "warning" site where we could out these men - we know they will behave true to type whoever they meet......It could save other women a lot of trouble...

I have definitely shifted in my feelings toward him lately.I actually feel disgust and shame at the whole relationship now,I think that's behind the panic at night....

Totally agree with you re dating.The way I feel currently,I can't imagine letting a man near me again....

Am away again this weekend ,with friends...and just arranged to take ds with us...to see how he settles....long story...may post on NPD thread when we get back if all goes well....

How about we rename this thread and relaunch?Something to post on daily - hopeful,moving on stuff,not limited to Narc loser xp's? xx

PM Glad that you're getting the chance to get away this weekend, it will do you good to have a new enviroment and also the company and the fresh perspective and support of a friend, if nothing else it's adult company. As the week's gone pm has it got any easier or is it still full on with your ds? I really do admire the way that you are handling this, our children's issues are the ones that seem to affect us mostly, again probably the Mum thing of just wanting to make sure that they're happy, confident etc. Although in general it is thought that children do adapt to change, I think that in some cases they do react badly sometimes. I know that certainly that was the case with my youngest ds. Since my break-up, slowly things have gone back downhill with him, but I know that in my case it's because my ds does need very strong and firm boundries and over the last few months they certainly havn't been there from me...hence why I'm so full of admiration for what you are doing, I know that I have been giving into his demands for an easy life...but he certainly hasn't reacted the way that he did a few years ago.

If you are up in the middle of the night, please do post, I nor anyone else think that you are mad, sometimes at night that is when we are filled with the most thoughts, for exactly the reasons that you state..no external distrations. Will you sleep better at your friends this weekend do you think??

For me the last few days havn't been good again, and I do think that dating would be a very bad idea at the moment. I talked to a couple of close friends yesterday, both of them felt that my emotions are all over the place, probably very apparent from my posts on here...one day strong, the next day crashing down.

I'm struggling with the N/Emotional Abuse side of things, just over the last couple of days I had mentioned specific incidents to friends very casually and they couldn't believe that I had never told them of these incidents before, but really as they were so the norm with him, I didn't think anything of them...they were all just part of 'him'

I'm still questionning whether I'm just trying to make him fit into the 'N' catogary, but gain friends once they have done some research on the subject, are now the ones that are convincing me, that I'm not going mad he really was.

It is very hard though, I feel cheated and didn't realise that I was angry until a friend pointed it out to me last night...I really do feel so much hate for hom at the moment and i have so many questions, but I'm never going to get the answers.

If nothing else this weekend, I do hope that you get the chance to relax. xx

It's been a while since I've posted on this thread, but I just wanted to give an update.

I'm still a regular on MN but hopefully giving something back after all the advice and help that I received.

Reading through this thread has made me realise just how far I've come and whilst I'm not 100%, I'm an awful lot stronger than I was when I first started to post. Although the whole relationship with my ex has left me with some hang-ups - that I'll be working through for a while, on the whole I'm pretty good and to anyone that I met for the first time in RL, I would appear a pretty 'together' person, instead of that car crash that I was for months. The panic attacks, not sleeping and awful anxiousness have gone.

I started a new relationship a few weeks ago, and although I do have some concerns about this, lack of money etc. so far so good. It may all go wrong (who knows?) , but the important thing is that I trust my judgement again now and if It doesn't work out...c'est la vie!!

It's very hard to put into words how much MN helped me, the support, validation, advice and just generally someone being there...I can honestly say that I wouldn't be in the place that I am now without MN. So when I see the occasional post about MNetters being negative, perhaps these OP's are failing to see the absolute good that this web does.

For anyone that is going through any turmoil, I just want to say that IT DOES GET BETTER and life does get back on track again ...and unbelivably...you can feel even better than you did before.

So many many thanks to all MNetters xx

Antalya, I loved reading your update, and have also read through the previous posts.

Our situation sounds so similar, and it was wonderful to hear that you are feeling better. I am in the early days of discovering ex and OW. Still hurting etc, I bet you know all about that awful feeling.

X

Mummalish I wouldn't wish the past months on my worst enemy and I am so sorry that you are still going through this. Even without meeting NM I would still be so much better, but it just shows what nice suprises life can throw up just when things have been so awful.

How long have you been split up? Do you still have any communication with him? Did they get together fairly soon after the split

Hi, split is within the last few weeks, after I found out he has been with OW for months.

Anger is burning a hole in my stomach it seems. I hate the way I feel.

I've just read through some of your back posts and so sorry that you're in this situation. Strangely enough 3 weeks after split with my ex I was also put in consultation at work.

It's hard because having a child means that you can't cut contact completely..but honestly it really does get better. There were times when I felt as though I was tethering on the edge on madness.

I read somewhere at the the time, to treat yourself as though you were recovering from a major illness, and looking back that's how I felt. If it's of any use, my coping mechanisms were:

Antidepressants
Having excellent friends who would listen,
Posting all my thoughts here on MN really was my form of counseling and having that 3rd person perspective.

The hurt you're feeling won't go away quickly, especially considering the circumstances, but slowly you will start to get stronger, with days where you will take a backwards slide. It's a process and unfortunatly there isn't a 'fast track' way.

Looking through your posts, they are all quite short, don't be afraid of 'rambling' and getting it all out, no matter how random. Please keep posting x

I thought I would update a bit,too!

Re- reading this thread, I,too,am amazed at how far I have come and how different I feel.

My baby dd is 7.5 months now and adored by my dc and me.I am still on maternity leave.
We never heard another word from her father...and,well,I honestly hope we never do.(Anyone who finds this worrying from dd's point of view,is advised to check the NPD archives )

As for me,well I find it astonishing that I wasted so much time,thought and emotional energy on such a destructive relationship with such a nasty man.(Again,check NPD thread,if in doubt)

These days,I feel anger and pity towards the man.But ultimately,try to send him peacefully from my thoughts,so as to make room for more constructive stuff.
Not sure if this is "forgiveness"...feels early days for that,but I have definitely moved on in many ,many ways.
After all,I have my dc and a beautiful baby.What does he have?I don't know,or care.

I agree with everything Antalya has said.I hate to think where I would be now,if not for MN.I am so grateful to everyone for all the advice and support I received . In my darkest,most distressed times,it was the only thing that kept me going.Really.

I,too,would encourage anyone to post "stream of conscious"/rambling threads.It really helped me to process my thoughts.And looking back now ,from a better place,I am reminded how bad things really were.Very validating.

Antidepressants also helped.I felt subtly different within the -standard - 3 weeks,and found that with the "edge off" my anxieties,I was better able to move slowly onwards.

More recently,I have started counselling.
Time moving on,and being so busy with the children have helped ,too.
And I have begun to build RL friends and contacts.

I still lurk on MN .Most days.Right now,I post less frequently.I think I am reflecting lots and also trying to be in a new,positive,place as much as possible.So I am perhaps,avoiding spending time on my hurt and all-too-recent bad experiences.

I do ,however,want to put something back - as Antalya says.So I won't be quiet for long!

I am also happy for anyone to PM me anytime if I can be of help.