Had the panic attacks in the early days and they are truly awful, that feeling of teetering on the edge!! and you could so easily go mad.. but my special little pills have helped with that, at least no aniexty attacks, but still the last two weeks just awful heartache, which unfortunatly medical science hasn't come up with a solution for yet. However I did read some months ago that something has been developed for people with post traumatic stress disorder which helps dispell unpleasant memories - could definatly do with a course of those.
pinemartina I did read through the links that you put on, sadness is the word that springs to mind over childhoods that were deliberatly or sometimes just by carelessness and dis-interest marred and scars that carry on into adulthood.
I believe that none of us are 'whole' we all have our issues that we carry onto into adulthood and our own adult relationships, some are better than others at covering these up, but without a doubt, we all have them. It's learning to work with them anda ccept that some of these will always be there and are part of 'us'.
My childhood wasn't particular bad, then again not a particular shinning example of family unity. Parents had unhappy marriage, father numerous affairs and also a wife beater, my Mum has taken over 20 years of divorce to shake her head at what she put up with. Just as an aside my Dad did meet up with my Mum many years later and admitted that he had made huge!!! mistakes and regretted them, nice to have that affirmation at last but a couple of decades to late!
I was fairly close to my Dad and he never laid a finger on me, but I havn't seen him for many years now, as soon as he started to refer to his step-grandchildren as his grandchildren, then I was off. I certaintly wasn't going to have my boys left with feelings of abandonment and being second best to the 'new' family that I had. Funny I can detach myself from anyone that I feel doesn't have either/or mine or my boys best interests at heart.
Not sure where my feelings of dread of abandoment come from?? My ex made the huge mistake of not loving me enough, which I suppose by rights I should be able to come to terms with, but think that this might take a while. Also not forgettin the undermining of my confidence and not ever being quite good enough!!!Not sure If I do need validation through my relationships or if it is just the damage that has been done by this last one!
Turning into a long post, but feeling chatty today, sorry bear with me!
There is a scene in Bridget Jones Diary...or it might have been the next one..The Edge of reason...where she is thrown into a Thai prision, not sure if you've all seen this film? anyway the the Thai girls gather round her and the conversation turns to ex's and how they have been mistreated badly, the conversation goes something along the lines of...
Thai Girls 'did he treat you bad?'
Bridget 'oh yes very bad'
Thai girls 'what did he do'
Bridget 'well at a law associates dinner he sort of ignored me'
Thai girls 'my BF made me go on the game, made me take drugs etc. etc.
Bridget (feeling a little foolish) 'oh yes mine did that as well'
This sort of sums up how I feel at the moment, when I read through all the threads on MN and what awful times some are going through, I do feel like a fraud, as though by rights I should pull myself up by my bootstrings and get on with it.
We all pine for that nice side of them, and on reflection, some probably did their best (within their capacities - very poor I know sometimes), it was just that their idea of a relationship and what is best, just wasn't good enough, in fact damn unacceptable, and so we're left floundering. As women, we are fixers - children, work, home-life, friends problems etc etc. however all of us can only fix our own issues - not theirs.
My vovage will probably include dating - but in a taster way - that is just how we taste receipes and decide what we do and don't like about it, then I'm going to view dating the same way.
Pinemartina - have a lovely day today, but don't isolate yourself, part of the progress is to interact with others. You have many different roles, Mother, friend, daughter etc. but also you have your own persona to nurture and if that includes either being by yourself for a while then so be it, but then again to mix in new company and to have pleasant company for a couple of hours now again is also healthy and also part of the self-discovery path???
At our ages we are unlikely to change our parents, at best the relationship may mellow, but often that admitance from them that they wern't the best parents may never happen and so it is just learning to live with what we have and work on ourselves.
...is everyone still wake and do I make sense at all?? x