Why does this hurt so much when I know he's a bastard and I'm well rid? d

[pinemartina]

Ex p just did the predictable,expected removal of all his possessions from my house,whilst telling me how he "Loves me from the depths of his soul,but can't be expected to put up with my dc's behaviour any longer unless serious permanent changes are made clear to them and maintained by me"
This is clearly demonstration enough that he is nasty and unfit.
You may know from my other postings that I am due to have our baby in 4 wks - my 5th,other 4 dc's not his -( I'd love to link to other postings but have no idea how)
I KNOW I have to and must absolutely end with him for the dc's sake and mine.I would be verging on failure to protect if I allow him back.
BUT IT REALLY HURTS HOW CRAZY IS THAT!!?
I feel abandoned,a failure,bereft,scared,ashamed....
It couldn't have been love,I know I can cope on my own,I have no legal or financial entanglements with him - aside from access when baby born -I am also relieved that I don't have to walk on eggshells tonight - or ever...
SO what do I do with this pain?
I am craving comfort,love,kindness and feel like a baby myself.
I don't know what to do- how do I avoid seeking what I need from him when he can't provide it and shouldn't be given the time of day in any case?

Because you're mourning the nice man you thought he was at first (and can still appear to be when it suits him) and the relationship you believed you had. Of course that's going to hurt. You still have lost something. The discovery that it wasn't worth having has been relatively recent, so you haven't got time for it to really sink in. Be patient with yourself.

Grieve, wallow, don't try and make yourself over him when you are not, cry, be sad, take as long as you need until you wake up one day and feel better and happy that you have done the right thing.

Cry, play sad love songs, sob over photo's and videos.

Feel the feelings.

I woke up a few mornings ago thinking about how to get hoi sin sauce off the sofa....I was deliriously happy when it occured to me that I was thinking about something so trivial and mundane.

Didn't last as you know! BUT.....I know that those moments will start to become the norm. Bring it on.
xxxxx

What shall I do when dc's are away for the Easter holdays?

pinemartina - my H used the words - I can't be expected to put up with your son (my ds from my 1st marriage) any more and unless things change (his word is law) and I uphold what he says re my son, that was it.

My H came back and we are still together (same roof) so I am still 'in it'.

I literally 'fell apart' when he left me. I felt like I was having some kind of breakdown and couldn't function. I now have decided that I went into some kind of post-traumatic shock situation from years of stress.

I realise that we mourn for the loss of 'what could have been and our dream of what we wanted and how we wanted our partner to be' etc.

Don't fight against the pain you feel. Go with it and accept that you will feel absolutely ghastly. But you will get better.

al has it ever improved between H and ds?
My younger 2 seem to accept the comings and goings - which is really bad enough.But the elder 2 are much more hostile to him each time he comes back which of course makes him worse more quickly.Also,I have to undermine him now when he goes as his behaviour is so clearly childlike,frightening and unacceptable so must not be condoned by me,in fact must be challenged.So,the dynamic will of course be the very us and him split he fears and accuses us of,even though it is covert.This is so clearly unhealthy for kids and me that ultimately it is what has led to my seeing how hopeless it is.His word is also law - he dominates the front room when in and will actually not "allow" children to enter.They have learnt not to bother- he sees this as evidence that improvement can be made so ought to happen elsewhere....AAARGH!!
He will nevertheless be doting,loving and cuddly with me without my realising that there is some ongoing issue with one of the dc's until it has come to a head.
I am thereby torn into a silly dance between everyone to try and maintain the peace and happiness of all and to meet everyone's needs - never mine - all for my "reward " of his love and attention --OMG I have just described my old role within my parents family which I have only been able to opt out of by minimal contact.....
I can't,mustn't ,wont do it any more.
I mustn't let him back - he wd come back this afternoon if I cried and told him I needed him,but I stopped doing that a while back.He knows if he ignores me long enough,I will crack from loneliness ,desire and wanting to fit the social box (esp whilst pregnant)
I MUST NOT CRACK
I would love to stop caring

This man is a shit and you are well rid of him. Just keep repeating this to yourself over and over and over.

Thanks SGB That's what I need to hear I 'm going to print that line and keep it on me!

pinemartin - no. It has never got better between my H and my son (he was only 7 when I started going out with my H). My H never even tried to make a relationship with him. He has 'disliked' my son (his words just the other day, at other times he has used the word 'hate') my son apparently from the very beginning. There has been alot of trouble between them. I was stuck in the middle between them for years, and my son has had a miserable childhood because of it. I feel very guilty now. My household has been a divided household - with my H trying his best to alienate my son, and it worked, I suppose, although, I have worked against his devisiveness more recently. My H has often used this technique and mentality towards me as well - him and his children and me and my child. His relationship with my son has caused absolute misery.

I hope this helps.

autumnlight - are you still with this bully?

By the 'him and his children' and 'me and my son' attitude my H has usually taken, 'his' children is actually our ds and dd.

Yes, unfortunately.

That is just so very sad

You say unfortunately like you have no say in the matter.

autumnlight -poor you. It does help me,because I know that what you are describing is what I am trying to prevent from going any further.My ex has also done exactly the same with his children,friends and family and me.
But like FIGT I am concerned for you still living with him.
Do you still love him? Does he give you any pleasure ever?
That has been my trouble,I have had such bad luck with family and past relationships that this bastard has actually been the first person to pour affection ,attention and what I have mistaken for love on me in such a way as I have actually felt it for the first time in my life.(Obviously my dc's do but obviously that is different) My God how pathetic that sounds.

Pinemartina, He has walked out on you when you were just about to have his baby? By anyone's standards that is unforgiveable - selfish, abusive,immature, ignorant. He is thinking about himself and giving no thought to your feelings and situation, or the rest of the childrens. It is totally acceptable for you to feel as you do. But what he did is terrible. It sounds like he is being childish - running away to get attention - me or the child. Really you have enough children to be strong for. My heart goes out to you.

autumnlight that is exactly what happened to you. You had a breakdown and are probably suffering from PTSD from the years of abuse as you said in your post. I know this because this has happened to me. I didn't know what was happening to me, I was terrified. He had with his years of emotional, verbal and physical abuse brought me to my knees. I had wanted him to leave for so long but when the time came because I was in the middle of the breakdown I begged him to stay because I was too scared to be alone and with the dc. I felt unable to care for my dc without his "support" even though I had been doing it for years as he went his merry way. I was suffering severe panic disorder having panic attacks that had me cowering in bed for hours a day. HE did this to me but I couldn't let him go because I was unable to function with the breakdown that had been caused by his behaviour. It was absolutely horrendous.

All I can say to you is that you HAVE to get out, you HAVE to. My situation cost me my mental health. I feel slightly better these days but I don't know if there will ever be a time when my nervous system is not "set to high" because of the stress I was living under all those years. I can be sitting watching tv peacefully and I will have a horrible panic attack from nowhere. Reading up on it and seeing my doctor I believe it is because chemically my brain has been set to high stress and I have not yet been out of the situation long enough for it to reset to normal.

It is horrendous what these men do to us. I have read your posts on the NPD thread both of you and pinemartina you are well out of it! You might not feel like it just now but it WILL pass. He is a horror of a man, I read on your other posts about how your kids love him, he made them love him and then abandoned them after screwing with their heads a fair old bit before he went. He is a shit.

He has brainwashed me with his torture

autumnlight I know this will be hard for you to read but you are like a stuck record at the moment, you are off loading on MN but any comfort you get is immediately washed away once you go back into that situation. You are in so much emotional pain that you feel paralysed to get yourself out of this horrific situation. I don't think you could ever know how much I understand how trapped you feel. There is a way out, if I can do it anyone can do it.

OMg you poor things I feel for you.

Having been through one ea marriage which I feel has affected my dcs this probably explains why I am reluctant and wary get into a new relationship.

I am so scared of what you describe happening again because I can't risk something like that affecting my dcs childhood any more. And I was duped by my exh for at least two years (until I had ds1 he seemed ok)

Sorry I know that it doesn't help you but please don't allow this man back.

Are your oldest two boys op? I think in many cases (but not all) the stepfather feels the need to be top dog in the household. SO there will bound to be clashes when they reach puberty. But exacerbated because the father figure is not their natural father.

Autumnlight I know it's hard to break away but why are you still with your dh - surely your children's needs come first?

I honestly do think I will stay single (or at very least not allow man to live with me) until dcs are 18. I am still too damaged by marriage and so are my dcs.

FIGT - In the past I have felt that I had no choice in the matter. Being married to him did ruin me and my ability to make good decisions. And the whole 'love' card has been used (as in brainwashing) in my history with my H. I am 'detaching' from him mentally now (this is good progress for me). It devastated me when he left me, I started to pick myself up and obviously nothing was sorted eg. house etc. so I didn't move on with my life. If that had been the end of it when he left, it would have been a different story.

After feeling better for several months, he 'worked on me from a distance' (I don't know how else to describe it - but it brought me down and the decision of whether to let him come back made me more ill than when he had left me in the first place - so I suppose that speaks volumes). There were a multitude of problems with various things and he returned finally when I could see no other way out, and by the time he came back I was definitely in a worse state than the after-effects of him leaving in the first place. So, not only had he come back, I was dealing with that in a depressed state, and obviously there was no sympathy or caring or kindness from him.

So back to square one, I suppose. But, I am not the same person I used to be. So, that is some kind of progress, I suppose.

sincitylover - I am still married to him - but do not wish to be in a relationship with anyone as I had an abusive relationship before this one (and what I would call a normal marriage before that). So, I am right off 'relationships'.

And yes, I did spend years worrying about this marriage I am still in. Too much of my attention wasted. I am only interested in my dc now.