feeling very down...ex now moved on to someone new

[Antalya1]

I found out a couple of days ago that my ex, we split up 3 months ago. Putting the pieces together he went into that fairly quickly, weeks after we split. I try to keep reminding myself how bad our relationship was in the end, but this has hit me like a ton of bricks, I was doing so well, but now feel as though I'm back to square one. I feel so low and really want to feel so low, ant advice from anyone who's been through this? My head's telling me to build a bridge and get over, but my heart is doing something completely different.

Sorry you're having a hard time, its taken me ages to get over people in the past and the only thing thats made it better is time. Its really crap but you have to sit with your feelings and just keep breathing till you realise the rose tinted glasses have come off. The good news is that when that happens you get the most amazing feeling of freedom!

Do you wish you were still together or do you wish you were over him? If its the second one you're halfway there already :)

Very wise words Elly. Sit with your feelings and just keep breathing - I like that.

Antalya, it will pass. You said yourself that the relationship was bad. It's easy to sweep the bad under the rug, but get it out now and then to keep reminding yourself of ehy you are no longer with him.

Thank you so much for your responses, the relationship wasn't good, but I did love him deeply, probably because he made me feel so inadequate and I had to fight to keep things going. I have been out on a couple of dates, but I suppose that I'm mad with myself that I can't just pt him to the back of mind and he has been able to move on

Today has been horrible, I know that I'm looking at things through rose coloured spectacles, but just really having to come to grips that he's happy, when in my heart of hearts after he behaved the way that he did..telling me that i was rubbish in bed, to fat (I'm a size 10/12) and that my house wasn't good enough, my self esteem is at an all time low. I was beginning to pick up my self confidence again, and before home I was very confident in myself...my friends family really hate hoe for the change in me and lack of confidence. But I really have only myself to blame, why did I allow him to behave this way, I have a good job and am seen as very confident at work... I just feel after this that I have nothing to offer.

Sorry very rambling post, but feel as though i'm back to day one.

Antalya1, I'm very sorry to hear how you're feeling.

However, you might think he's happy with someone else or has moved on but he sounds like the kind of person who thrives on thrashing his partner's self confidence in order to deal with his own insecurities.

If that's what it takes for him to feel good about himself, you should feel very sorry for your replacement.

Now, rather than blaming yourself and giving yourself & hard time, give yourself a clap on the back for getting out of a relationship with someone who clearly tried to make you feel inadequate to deal with the fact that they feel inadequate.

Everytime you put on your rose coloured spectacles, think of him telling your replacement that she's rubbish in bed or fat (which he will do). You'll soon take them off again!

I wish you all the best.

Just because he told you those things, doesn't mean they are true and you know that.

I think, as women, we are programmed to "please" and men pick up on that and the nasty ones use it to their advantage.

Just because he is with someone new, does not mean he has "moved on". It means he's getting some attention and at the moment, he'll like that but I am fairly sure that she will start to expect him to treat her nicely and to move things forward and I suspect that's when he'll be the one being miserable in a terrible atmosphere with an unhappy girlfriend whilst you will be getting on with your life and building your self esteem.

My ex went on to marry his piece of fluff (who sent me death threats) after me, but I know neither of them will be happy and I wish them all the best with their unhappiness for years to come.

I went on to be single for a good few years and then met a lovely guy who treats me right because I have enough self esteem now to expect it.

Thank you theredhen and Ganard, some of things that you have said have definitely hit home, especially the women trying to please and also running someone else down in order to feel good about themselves.

Strangely enough, we were a few years into the relationship before I realised that he was under confident. Apperances meant so much to him beacuse, me, house etc. he felt that reflected on him.

That horrible heartache is back but I am hoping that in a few days I will start to feel better, but after years of subtly being told that I wasn't quite good enough and a favourite saying of his 'he had his standards'.

I know that I tried so hard to make things work but feel that I really have nothing to offer especially as zero self-esteem isn't the best personality trait.

I need to give myself a good kick-up the backside!!

sorry forgot to add ellie, very true what you said, and the answer to your question is that I wish that I was over him, not back with him.

Antalya - so sorry at how you are feeling.It is more difficult,I think,when the sod you are trying to get over was abusive.
My xp appears to be sailing off into the sunset as we speak,leaving me with 5mth old baby he hasn't seen since she was born.
He evidently has a wonderful new life,while we struggle to keep clean,tidy,eat etc.
I don't remember it being this hard to pull myself together after either of my marriages failed.But the b*T*D who had me convinced I was worthless is on my mind all the time.

Wish I had some advice.But I am thinking of you - in my angry,sad and bitter place!

I like what ellie said and agree with you - except when I forget,at night,how bad he was.That's the deal with being involved in that kind of crap ,I guess.

We have to build up our self esteem so that we never entertain the thought of any such rubbish again.

Be very kind to yourself,the last thing you need is a kick - you've had enough of that by the sound of it.

pinemartina, how horrible for you and he hasn't seen his lovely new baby!!, and the woman that he sailing off with!!! any decent women would question why a new partner hadn't seen his child and that would be a major red flag.

You hit the nail on head, it's always the ones that eat away at your self confidence that unfortunately have the most impact.

You are not useless, and in your heart you know that that isn't true, what a complete t**t...sorry feel really angry on your behalf.

I wish that I could offer some advice, but the only thing that I can think off...is time and a will that in sometime (hopefully in the near future) there will be a light bulb moment and ping that's them relegated to the past.

Hugs to you x

Thanks Antalya

The trouble with the red flag is that I imagine he has told whoever she is a completely different version.
..." I am devastated because this woman who had my baby ,won't let me see her just because I don't want a relationship..."

That is what he has told his Aunty,the only family member I was introduced to. Apparently,she was led to believe that we were just a casual fling but that he was "doing the right thing" while I was pg.When I phoned her to try and find him,she asked why I was preventing him having access,saying I wasn't being fair!!!!

So the poor OW won't be noticing any red flags for a while yet,and probably feels huge sympathy for him,seeing him as a sensitive soul who wants to do his best - and me as a mad,bitter harridan!

A year ago today,he bought me an engagement ring and proposed in front of all my family.
He has told the Aunty that this is a fantasy I have made up!

Total head-fuck.

I feel sorry for the OW ,and for my baby dd.

No wonder you are so frustrated and upset by all of this...no doubt all your family and friends have told you that you are better off without him, true...but at the moment you won't be feeling that way.

The funny thing is other people (friends/family etc.) can see the ex for the person that they are, but as our emotions are mixed up with it all, we really struggle to move on and the facts are that the farther of your DD is not a nice man, you can take comfort in the fact that his new girlfriend will see that at sometime.

I keep on being told that time is a healer and I think that we have no option but to believe that that is true, and also the many stories here are testament to that. I also managed to move on from the father of my boys very easily and genuinely wish him all the best....but my recent ex, who I was with for a fair while...well that's another story altogether.

I don't know if you have but try and look at some of the back-stories on here, they really do help.
xx

Hi, i'm glad you dont want to get back with him if you had the opportunity as he sounds like an arse.

My most recent ex was psychologically abusive & controlling but I was so blind to what he was really like because i'd bought into all his bullshit. My Mum actually got ill during our relationship through worry & I remember the time we talked and she said it was like I was a different person, like he'd brainwashed me!

1 year on & me & my children are living in refuge because when I became pregnant the rose glasses came off and I left him, but he wouldnt accept that I was no longer his property. You have had a lucky escape by him being the one to walk away, he sounds so similar to my ex

Antalya1 i am in a similar situation to your only I have a DD with my ex. we were together 10 yrs. Separated five mths now and he has moved on already with this girl who is also pregnant with his child.

he was abusive,a cheater, a lier and a thief and he put me down constantly,,, even mentioned after all we been through in 10 yrs that he is sorry I am the mother of his child. I want to move in but i am hurting so much to think he just acting like I am a leper. I was doing good.. have a fulltime job and learning to drive, but i went to relaspe when i found out about the pregnancy and it must have been she was with him while we lived together. Everyone tells me I am better off without him but it hurts so much as he was my first man in everything. now he is like he is happy now,,,he just wants to be free and enjoy his life with no nagging

I try to hold on to the fact that things will get better in time... Hope us girls will be posting some happier stories soon.

even though I am looking at men in a different light..i gave my heart to this twat and he just stamped on it..

sereka I just wanted to echo what you say about your abusive ex and your current feelings.

I was told by the midwife that unless I told my ex to go ,she would consider my 4 dc at risk from emotional abuse as a result of his angry outbursts - he shouted at me in front of her.

He left,I sent a solicitors letter stating that unless he kept away,I would get a court order.
I have attended the Womens Aid Freedom Programme ,and totally accept that he was abusive and a risk to my and the dc 's emotional health.I was fired up by anger and determination at first.

Now,with our baby dd 5 months old,I miss him.He has never been in contact.When I tried to pass on a message via his aunty,I found that he had another woman,who had obviously been around throughout the last year,and who his family knew as his "real" partner.

It hurts so much.But it makes no sense to me why I would even care about such an ar*h*e.
Of course I have had a lucky escape.But it doesn't feel like it right now.Crazy.

Wow,

they really are arseholes aren't they, mine I believe is off on a nice holiday this weekend with his new GF, it hurts alot, but I'm trying not to let it. Does it make me a really bad person to hope that he ends up a lonely old man??....god not normally a bitter or jealous person in the slightest bit!

I'm so determined to move on, he's a complete t**t...sorry really ranting now but so glad that at last that it is coming out, just so very very mad that his attitude is .. next rather than trying to sort out our problems. But amongst all the things that we ladies do have in common is that all of our friends and family tell us that we are better off without.

It's a cliche, but I am determined to get my own back by being happy and hopefully meeting someone new.

On a happier note, off on a date this weekend, trying Internet stuff for a while, just done window shopping so far for the last few weeks, but this one seems normal...God I so hope that he is...fingers crossed!!

For the first two months I was having panic attacks it was awful, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone...apart that is from the obvious person!!! this week has been a bad week, but I will get there, for all you ladies who are in the thick of it at the moment, those darks day do get a litle lighter... x

If anyone interested happy to give an update on how it goes this weekend..

Hey Antalya ! I'd love to hear how it goes!

Well done for getting out there,I'd be really interested to hear how you described yourself on your profile.

I too will get my own back by being happy and would love to meet someone one day...

I don't think I'd be very appealing on paper with 5 dc - one only a baby.I'm 42 and men in my age group either want kids or want someone who can travel it seems to me.

I also hope my ex ends up a lonely old man,regretting the lost years with his dd....I am verging on depressed at the moment,but may pickup a bit after the school holidays when I get some time to think during daylight hours!

Have a fab timex

Pinemartina, thank you so much for your wishes, just got text off him and am arranging something for tomorrow night..ahhh (biting nails) I get so worried, had a date a couple of weeks ago but that was different as I sort of knew him..just think that maybe I'm expecting to much of this, I'm rubbish at the dating stuff!!!

42 is young stuff, I'm two years older than you...and still feel an innocent, in fact 16 year olds would probably have more confidence
than me...and certainly not the bags under their eyes!!

I believe that there is someone out there for everyone, how old are your DC's?? A couple of friends of mine have children and the men that they met are really great with the children...not all men are child allergic, also there are men out there who would be relived to meet someone with children as they also might have children that they are responsible for...so do not give up hope please.

My profile isn't to great, it's lighthearted mentioning men that can cook are a great bonus, no mention of broken heart etc. I think that most of the sites give advice on the things to put, also cheating a little, but you can also have a look at what other women put and pinch any sentences that you think are good...but most importantly I would say be honest but keep it light hearted.

Also don't forget that the men are also struggling to come up with interesting things to say...so the mention of loving to travel most of the time means a week in Spain!!
Good luck with it.

Sorry Pinemartina, forgot to add the depression isn't good, summer holidays are tough and you're right having some time when they go back to school will help. Shallow I know, but a little bit of flirting after you have received a knock helps so much with your confidence...do you get a chance to get out without DC's?

Antalya - my dc are 14,12,9,8 and 5 months from 2 ex h's and of course xp.

Now I have to admit something to you that I have not shared on any other threads....I put a profile online today....just to get an ego boost...feel I would be flamed elsewhere as being too soon...actually,I think it probably is too soon...but...I don't really get out without dc,except with friends whose dc play with mine........it would be nice just to be regarded as me for myself,rather than dd's mum etc...flirting would be such a break!!!

And a reason to put on make-up and change the milk/dribble stained mens shirt outfits I live in!!!

Well,I have already had an email exchange,this evening ,which has led to an offer of a meet up ...this Sun pm is all I can arrange re babysitting for another 10 days,but have not confirmed yet....

He seems nice.I have been upfront about having many dc ,though not age of LO....but if we do meet ,I will soon leak milk as am still BF lol!

Do you think I have lost the plot

No way-get out there and enjoy it! Why pine over your ex when you could be meeting
HOT NEW MEN!

Go for it, if nothing else it's a chance to have some you time, and be seen as as just you rather than Mum etc. Put some pads in so no visable leakage!... and no you havn't lost the plot, it's baby steps to feeling better.

For all my bravado last night I feel terrible again this morning, really really tearful...just thinking about my ex, I really do feel so hurt and I so desperatly need and want to move on, but my emotions are all over the place, one hour up and the next I come crashing down back to reality, my confidence is zero and I feel so self-indulgent coming on here moaning, I just can't stop crying this morning, think that this date tonight is a big mistake and I need to cancel.

I'm good at giving advice and so rubbish at getting my own life on track!!

LOL at "HOT NEW MEN!" posh

Antalya So sorry you're hurting today.
I'm all over the place too.And sometimes it's tiny irritations that I react to,then "everything" gets drawn into the feelings pot.That's normal in grieving and not self indulgent.

Remember,this will pass..(ha ,yes,I am telling myself too!)

Don't cancel! Can you have an indulgent afternoon,relaxing and pampering,and see the date as part of that? That's what I will try to aim for tomorrow...

It's very scary,I know...
Keep posting x

Hi,

date went really well and glad that I went, it did me the world of good we're going out on a second date. Only one thing, worlds apart financially, I work but being a single Mum do really struggle financially, never managed to get on the property ladder so live in a rented house and he seems to earn a really high salary and has all the trappings that go with it...for me it's a big thing I feel really uneasy by this, not into the size of someones wallet and worried that there's a huge imbalance there!

Also he said that he likes confident people and that I appear really confident...dohh..think that he will find out what a fraud I am

Antalya - Well done,sound like it went really well.

You can't be a fraud - it was you that went out on the date,after all.That was a compliment - enjoy it and use it as an affirmation!

Re the imbalance - Try not to worry,early days for that to be any sort of issue yet.And at least it's not the other way round

I am going out tonight....gulp..... will report back.....feeling totally freaked at the idea...
Spoke to him on the phone yesterday and he now knows how many dc,ages of them....was "surprised" but didn't cancel....we'll see how we hit it off.....No expectations ,but hope to have a nice evening....

Ohh I'm excited for you, (grin) where are you going? for a drink or two? did he sound ok (nomal)on the phone, apart from the suprise bit?

I was a bit nervous last night but as soon as we met I relaxed and massive big bonus didn't think of my ex once (smile) So I'm sure that you will to, you had more nerve than me, I wouldn't even talk on the phone before we met.

You're right about the money thing...deep breath...and relax.

Have a brilliant time and please let me know what happens...all details please.