Where have all the fit, interesting and available men gone (part 24)

[Remotew]

Hello!

SCL

here's the thing, would be v interested in your/the collected view of this as I have long ago lost any objectivity about it

Background:
He was army officer for 5 years, then got into IT proj mgmt for a year, then lost job 6 weeks after DD1 born. So, I went back to work FT (having dabbled previously with idea of doing HT) and have done so ever since. He retrained into outdoor pursuits stuff and then fitness industry. Did a coupla days childcare, worked evening and weekends, got incredibly focused on a sporty hobby which meant when he wasn't working he was training/competing.

DD2 arrived and it all carried on much the same, though over time we had moved to a bigger house and I had been promoted a few times

the thing is, XH enjoyed the good life, had this thing where he couldn't see that any money he earnt contributed to the family outgoings but was 'his' to spend (on sporty hobby kit mostly ). So ALL my salary went on everything else, plus I did all the household admin. We had a cleaner, DD1 at school, she and DD2 at CM 3 days a week. But he had a hard life of course . Under-appreciated by me, who was workaholic with no interest in my husband of DDs (can't say I recognise that description)

virtually no sex

so when he left (porn chat sites etc etc) and moved from moderately expensive neck of the woods here, to West London....... and now the sob story starts - how hard it is for him to make ends meet, how expensive life is etc etc. He went away for the month to do an expedition for which he was paid because (violins) he 'probably won't get a holiday abroad this year'

I know what he earns pretty much covers his costs

what I earn can do for me and the DDs

I would be happy I think with a clean break but know it prob won't be as simple as that

sorry about that, not a short story

what does your solicitor say mily? re likely financial outcome

ninah, didn't see you there [grins]

thx for moral support and anecdote re online dating

at being towed by tractor

*shoulda said 'uninterested in husband OR dds'

solicitor says should be poss to give XH lump sum (less than what may be possible from house sale but not to be sniffed at), maybe 10% of my pension, retain house and have clean break. Doesn't think spousal maintenance (me to him) needed as XH still young and has earning capability. Has advised off the record that I could offer no child maintenance as carrot

BUT, seems to me depends so much on what XH solicitor (when he gets off his bum and gets one...) advises, which is utterly beyond my control

hmmm that seems quite an unusual situation - however would still think he should contribute something to his dds.

It sounds as though you should consult solicitor - is exh asking for a share of the house?

Mily - its very very early days for you. It's hard to see this objectively and I can see where you are coming from. To save myself I would tell him that within the walls of your home, of which he no longer belongs (or words to that effect), you do not want your dd's having mixed messages. I would say anything, that it's upsetting you, anything to avoid the situation he has put you in. He certainly has a hold over you.

Let me tell you this little scenario, xh used to come to the door to pick dc's up, he used to nearly knock me over, run through the house out to the garden, and help himself to fruit from the trees (no double entendre meant at all) and I'd be standing there, and the only thing that was good about it was that I didn't have a gun handy!!
He'd be standing in the garden going 'oh aren't these just lovely, stuffing his face with fruit' I'd be utterly speechless. I have never seen anything like it to this day.

................ ASSHOLE!

yes mine still looks after my dses in the house if he picks up from school in the week. IMO he crosses many boundaries - complaining about lack of food, accessing his emails from our pc, complaining about the state of the house and so on.

i think your solicitor is telling you the kind of thing that a court would find acceptable, a ball park scenario? if this is the case any solicitor exh hires would be likely to roughly concur, surely, esp with the no maintenance thing held in reserve
I think as sole carer and breadwinner you would have any court's sympathy, frankly
I think you should push and not let fear of the unknown hold you back
this seems a very generous offer, to me
grrrr at pension

monty but your ex is beginning to sound quite deranged
was he trying to make some weird Garden of Eden comment
what kind of fruit was it? what a v bizarre thing to do!

my ex does not even have our address, I drop and collect dc away from the house
reading these stories I feel quite lucky I can do that

Ninah, no it really was just fruit, lol, plums, green gages and stuff, the point I'm trying to make is he didn't realise they no longer BELONGED to him, I'd bought him out, paid him off however you want to look at it (and was and still am SKINT because of it all).

Mily - I'd start by offering him... nothing.

Oh dear, perhaps I should get off this thread, but Mily's posts are certainly bringing some stuff back to me. Mily I'm 14 years down the road from you, and I'm still fuming with myself probably.

Monty, rofl at fruit anecdote, that really tops the lot

Ninah, hope you are right

I worry about everything
Are DDs ok, am I doing good enough job with them?
Am I going to cry at work if
a) someone is nice to me or
B) someone is nasty
am I going to make ends meet
Is my house in acceptable state (or will people think I am losing a grip)
Are my RL friends sick of me moaning
Are my RL friends avoiding me as LP embarassment
what is the atmos going to be like next time I encounter XH

the list goes on

and the energy drains away

He sounds like a wind up merchant monty
I think mily could do with your input, actually
Ok well I am turning in now, early start
see you in a week or so!
oh and i did put air in the wheels it was easy peasy! came over all butch and capable

and I joined this thread cos you lot sounded like a cracking bunch of my kind of people, proper good fun

and I am being a misery

I do promise I will bring a date anecdote kicking and screaming to this thread at some point and reward you all for your patience

mily it is still v early days for you, and lots of stress, concentrate on you and dc and try not to worry about what people think etc, easily said I know
things do get easier, honestly nn x

ninah, nn have a great time

er, please do as I promised something similar myself when under the influence of a glass of Wolff Blass and I fear the summer is running along pretty fast

Ninah - lol at coming over all butch putting the air in tyres. Have a great break, will be thinking of you, I really do hope you and dc's enjoy yourselves.

Mily - I'm going to be quiet after this because my stuff is all history. Ninah has a good point there, they are wind up merchants. Take a step back and calm down. I think (and this probably sounds paranoid) that whilst we're running around like headless chickens and wondering how we're going to manage, biting our nails and worrying about keeping a roof over our dc's heads, they have the time to wonder how they can stop their family from moving on from him.

Oh blimey, it's difficult stuff and sucks it out of you that's for sure.

Step back.

Ninah - you have commitments, and yes, time is running out .

Byeeeeee! Enjoy! xx

omg seems I have inadvertently made a libellous statement on another thread - have got my post removed but just shows how easy it could be to do that.

Thing was I was really enjoying all the debating on the thread (was about politics).

SCL - oops! At least its gone. Phew!

Won't ask. lol.

Monty, step back is right, and some days I do but can't string them together atm

however, thanks to the sterling support found here I have had the guts to write a calm and sensible email to XH re house rules and getting on with divorce etc

feel tons better for it

am going to bed now as suspect some of bad mood today was due to late night last night (am a complete lightwieght, need my 8 hrs...can't recall last time I got them )

however, if anyone fancies telling me straight that I am diving into the dating pool too soon and should get past the events of next few months then I may be receptive (although at money spent signing up to sites)

Mily - do what feels right. NN hope you have a good sleep.

SCL - blimey, very energetic and fab posting there. (couldn't help a nose).

Reading monty's story about deranged Ex, and then ninah's post about her Ex not knowing her address. About 2 years ago my Ex rented the house just three doors down, and it's a culdesac so our back gardens basically were facing each other . FFS she could look into my bedroom from her house if I opened the curtains ... well it weired me out anyway!?!

janos happy belated birthday,hope you had a lovely day
monty i'm not at all surprised to hear the story of exh helping himself to the fruit
exh just stands in the doorway now unless i choose to invite him in for one of our now thankfully rare chats
mummy you do what feels right for you..you might not be divorced yet but if the relationship ended along time ago and you have effectively moved on emotionally from him then it's ok to start dating again imo
BUT only you can answer this q
and sadly yes as everyone on here will vouch for divorce is a truly awful process even if it is you that has instigated it
ninah hope you have a fab hol with dcs,fingers crossed for some good weather
and you never know maybe you'll have some hot farmer pulling you all out of the mood
am guessing that lou has gone to get eddie