Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

Don't do it, purely because his attitude stinks. If he's railroading you at this point where you have friends and family nearby imagine how vulnerable you'll be in Texas with practically no support.

I lived abroad for 5 years for my DH's career and didn't enjoy it, but it made financial sense for us to do so and he made it clear that if I didn't want to go then we'd stay in the UK. He also checked in with me regularly to ensure I was OK staying abroad. Once our financial goal was hit we returned to the UK even though DH liked where we lived and our standard of living. I made friends but no deep bonds and I really missed my network in the UK - having given birth in the UK I just can't imagine not being depressed if I'd had to give birth and deal with early childhood parenting over there.

Moving abroad can be wonderful as long as both parties are on board and there's mutual respect, it seems both these factors are missing for you (your husband clearly has no respect for your concerns)

You MUST consider both your career and future pension. Also, will he get parental leave in US, if you did stay here on your own at least youbwould have friends and family.
Re gated community, theres a reason people live in them...

Well said. I think the "I'm staying, but I won't stop you from going" is crucial to him not being able to say "but you stopped me" and being resentful of OP. The truth is, he needs to decide what's most important to him - his career or his family.

I would not go. And I wouldn’t try and compromise with him for it to only be a year, three years or whatever. Once he’s got you over there he will be able to control the situation and you will have far less say. Do not go. He can go if he likes. You and your kids and your dog should stay where you are happy

This absolutely. It was pretty much my experience too.

I can only echo what others have said, OP. Being an immigrant is hard. Even if you really want to do it, it's hard work and it's tiring and it can be a rollercoaster.

I know way too many families where they've gone abroad and the marriage has broken up, and one wants to stay and so they're stuck. Even in the best marriages the stress of emigrating can strain things and you end up in the situations so many have described.

And to be honest your marriage doesn't sound rock solid in terms of how your husband views you and treats your views on this, and how he's expecting you to take blithe assurances, be prepared to give up your career and your community for something you don't want - all the whirl trying to gaslight you that he's doing it for you (ie the mortgage.)

Didn’t realise there was an older dog involved. I have a dog of a similar age. I’d not put her through two flights in her senior years. That would be cruel. Also the costs involved can run into the 10s of thousands. That would mean rehoming the dog. Absolutely not happening.

It would be a firm NO from me, and I’m a bit of a nomad! There is nothing in it for you and you would be very vulnerable in so many different ways. Point out you have already moved for him and his career several times before. You really need the support of your loved ones for the next few years. Money isn’t everything; safety, security and peace of mind are much more important. You are carrying his child - he should really be focussing on you and yours needs! 💐

He is approaching this horribly. You need full, clear information, compassion for the fact you are pregnant and anxious, respect for the implications on your career and your objections need to be listened to.

This could work as a fixed term posting with clear terms but not some I definite dead mans shoes situation. That's not now promotions work anyway, what if some superstar comes along in the meantime or the role is made redundant? He really isn't guaranteed progression back in the UK based upon one person retiring

Would you have the right to work? Would you be giving birth there or here? What's your field, is there work in Houston for you?

What's the law if he wants to stay permanently and you want to bring the kids back? I'll be honest, hes got the bit between his teeth and isn't sounding the most trustworthy. Don't leave yourself open. If he doesn't clarity everything to your satisfaction, I wouldn't go. I wouldn't stop him. This is key. But I wouldn't put myself in that vulnerable of a position with a man who simply isn't listening. I would let him trot off, get his promo and live in a company flat. See how things pan out. You may feel like joining him once the baby is born and the pressure is off but don't make a decision under duress and stress. Take care of your health first.

Texas is a hole. Even Austin, the nicest city, is not THAT nice. You'd be surrounded by a bunch of godbothering , gun-toting, Trump-supporting loons. Plus it's expensive. As others say if dh insists he can go on his own.

if you are not selling the house i would try to—it’s an adventure. america is big and there is so much to see. you can move back if you are very unhappy . that is what i would negotiate.

It is rare to read a thread on Mumsnet where the opinions are 99% in agreement. I agree with everyone else here - a resounding NO from me too to this idea.

Your partner is completely unreasonable not to ask for all the details before even considering this for the whole family.

To make any kind of informed decision you need to know:

-how long would this job/move last for
-all the financial details, not just the salary, but the relocation package they are offering
-Whether health/dental insurance for the whole family is part of that package
-how much it would cost you to rent in Houston.

As other have said as well, Texas is not going to be to everyone's taste and you could be faced with a Trump presidency.

Frankly, if you don't want to uproot your family and pets you need to say no to this. The move should work for everyone, not just for him...

What in it for you OP? FA as far as I can see. It would be a resounding no from me c

OP would you be able to work or would you struggle to get a green card?

If its 400k and he is coming back in 3 years and its all about saving money and paying down the mortgage... hes doing it Allllll for his family then...

id suggest he go and you stay to give birth (free) and then on your mat leave you will be able to use the year to visit for extended periods and get a feel for it. He can also save aggressively as no private schools /private medical for all 4 of you, no need for a huge rental / fancy big car

I dont think yabu and I would have serious reservations and would probably refuse to go. Separately...
He is a grade A idiot / arsehole for not getting the package info. Its critical to any offer dependants or no.... its like he did it on purpose its just a strange thing to refuse to do unless he knows its crap and just wants to go so he can play at big boss

I've only read the first 2 pages. Absolutely don't go. Houston is awful, he'll be out and about having a big job and you'll be stuck indoors in air con with two little kids and no support network. If you split up you'll still have to stay because he'll be able to make the argument that the kids should stay there.
I lived in the states and knew several 'trailing wives' who were trapped in this conundrum.
You've already moved for him and you agreed to raise kids where you are now.

Good, especially good food - ie fresh fruit and vegetables and organic meat ( the animal welfare standards are SO low in the US that you should eat anything not organic) is really REALLY expensive in the USA.
Our US family are always really surprised about the cost of single things over here, like apples or bananas. If you’re happy to only shop at Walmart, eat a lot of UPF, not question where the meat or milk or eggs comes from you can keep costs down, but it’ll stillbe higher than here.

Thanks all for your posts...I'm really not getting any work done today as I'm just feeling so torn and anxious.

A few weeks ago I mentioned whether he could do 2 weeks at home, 2 weeks there, but apparently there's a threshold where he could end up being taxed in the UK and US? I haven't looked into that so I'm not completely aware. He also said he doesn't want to be away from us, and miss out on DS. But if he really wants this job I feel this is the route we may have to take and see if the marriage survives it.

Atm he's on around £120k a year and I'm on £40k - so at a superficial level, he thinks the package is good. I'm going to take all of this brilliant feedback and compile a list of things to look at. To be honest though, I don't think any amount of looking through the policies will make me want to go. It might open his eyes a bit though as to how blind he is being cost-wise.

I've cited all of the emotional reasons I don't want to go, which to me, outweigh financial worries, always. I'm also very much of the essence that I want to work and have my own money. The thought of being completely dependent on anyone else financially like that makes me feel sick. I mentioned this to him too and he was offended by it. I explained that it's my valid concern and not for him to get offended over.

Thanks all for the sound advice, it's been really useful to hear what rent figures are like etc and the kind of things he should be asking about in this relocation package.

I, too, believe a 'gated' community would be claustrophobic. Particularly as they will all be his work colleagues and families. It sounds like hell on earth to me, personally.

He's risen up within the ranks quite quickly throughout his career, and I think he feels like he has to keep moving up and up. I truly feel like he isn't ever happy with where he is in life. When I explained all this to him, he explained that he now 'hates' his job and that he wanted to quit - since we've been together the job he has now has been his dream, with a 'nice house' and 'family'. He has all that now, and it's still not enough. :(

it's a very hard situation to be in, but these comments have helped me to see the wood from the trees somewhat.

Houston is shit, it’s all oil money. If you had to go could you be somewhere a bit less Texas, like Austin?
Also - do you do church? A lot of your social life will revolve around church or people will talk about church all the time. If you could find a church you’re happy with, that’ll help with integration.

The only reason to go is financial and you don't need to go for financial reasons as you have a comfortable lifestyle already.

Every other aspect is a negative.

I wouldn't move across the road with a man who refused to listen to me or my concerns and hadn't even requested the full details.

He's making his decisions blind, at least of you had all of information you could make a fully informed decision.

I suspect whether you stay or go, there will be resentment in your marraige as one of you will be on the scarifying end of this.

I would much rather be close to friends and family just that resentment, rather than isolated in the US.

If he can manage to back down and get all the information, would you consider something like, letting him go first and then joining him after 6-12 months, once the baby is older and once he's settled and has a feel for the place.

I would honestly never advise someone to move to US on a spouse's work visa when they have children. The information given that you may have to move back to your home country without your children is absolutely true and happens way more than you'd think.

I would also never advise anyone to move away from their support network (even an hour down the road) with someone displaying clear abusive behaviour: silent treatment, bullying behaviour and gaslighting. Also, total disregard for the frankly terrifying situation for pregnant and post-partum women in Texas. Five minutes on the internet would show him that's a total no-go if he cared about you.

I would also say that you giving up your job and pension is going to make you extremely financially vulnerable. You are unlikely to be able to work there and the hit to current and future earnings/pension will be huge for you.

That's without even talking about sending your DC to school their with the gun situtation and the extreme weather (DNephew lived there for a few years after COVID, so we visited a few times, but no way I'd live there).

I say this as someone who has moved abroad for the DH's job and him for me.

Don't go.

Haven't read all the responses. I'm a Brit who knows Texas well - I also love the USA in general, and would happily relocate there for a bit, just for the experience. But if I was moving to Texas there's not a chance in hell I'd go to Houston. I know some people love it, and yes it does have amazing cultural facilities etc. But with some notable exceptions in terms of nice characterful neighbourhoods, it is just absolutely sprawling, just endless identikit suburb after suburb full of McMansions and gated communities. It is also unbearably hot and humid. A friend who lives there goes 'nocturnal' half the year because she cannot bear it. Are you a confident driver? Fine if you are, but if you're not (like me!) the tangled mass of highways – that are everywhere – take some getting used to.

I mean, it's the 4th biggest city in the USA but you don't really hear about people going there on holiday do you? Not like NYC or LA or Chicago. It just doesn't have anywhere near the same amount going for it. If I was going to live in a massive US city I'd pick almost anywhere over Houston I think.

Texas culture overall is so so different to the UK, though don't get me wrong - the people I've met have been absolutely charming and welcoming. But you'd need to be prepared for many - many! - people having extreme views on religion, guns, abortion rights etc that are so far beyond what an average Brit would find acceptable, even right-wing Brits. Some of the conversations I've had over the years have been downright shocking. And while you may not need to worry about schools yet, you need to understand that 'active shooter' gun drills and lockdown practice is the norm, even in kindergarten.

Texas also has 'open carry' laws since a couple of years ago, which means it is perfectly legal to carry a handgun in public without a licence. You will see people wearing them on their belt or whatever. It's normal.

Texas overall though is an amazing state geographically. It's way more diverse than many people think, with winelands, desert, mountains, canyons. Austin and San Antonio are truly fantastic cities. I'd even prefer to live in Dallas over Houston, and that's saying something. But Houston - it would be a no from me, unless for a maximum of 3-6 months.

Hi @Nunu90
Yank in the UK here. It might sound obvious but the pay will be based on the cost of living where you will be living.

There are many costs/taxes in the US that would not be obvious to a British person - in particular check the real estate taxes which are many magnitudes higher than council tax. Also check what you have to contribute for health insurance - it's much higher than NI and higher than what I pay in taxes for the benefit of private health here. Also the state taxes vs federal. You will be doing well but this idea you're going off and will come back being able to pay off your mortgage is very likely far fetched. It's a myth that the US is a low tax environment.

I do not have personal experience of living in Texas. A trend to be aware of is that people are moving to Texas in order to be in a more conservative environment - the pathway is California to Texas but there may be others. I know families that did this.

There are patches of 'blue' in the red - and of course those who are, want more of us! But -yeah. Prudent to expect some culture shock.

It's far to go and I think the way your husband is acting three years could become five. It's not a good sign he's afraid to ask questions on the details and I'd put my foot down on that one.