Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

I've relatives in Texas, this is the way they describe it. I think the CoL is pretty high in the States too, it's not just the UK.

One thing stands out for me - you say you love where you live now, do you think you could swap that for a "gated community"? Your DH will be busy with work but, in the short term at least, you'll be on your own with 2 small dcs. In your shoes, taking into acccount what you'll be leaving behind, i would stay here. It's unfair of your DH to push it, you matter too.

Your h is being naive wanting to move everyone abroad without the finer details first. He’s thinking like an ambitious single man who can hop on a plane home if it’s shit and I guarantee that he’s not thought about what it will be like for you and the kids. Has he looked into cost of living details ? Americans all over social media have been complaining about inflation and price rises as much as us UK people.

My ex had job offer to go to Canada and we decided not to take it because of the finer details like very short notice for redundancy and far less annual leave compared to the EU country that we were living in at the time.

He should be listening to your concerns and working out if he can negotiate a contract that will make your life better there eg you might want family tickets home twice a year or private preschool for your child. Moving abroad will be costly eg you need all new electronics and big bucks jobs will come with room for negotiating expenses like cars.

I think that your biggest risk is that he won’t go back to the UK after 3 years. You’ll be trapped and possibly living in a different country to your kids while he zooms ahead with his career.

Could he go first and then you can join him later?

OP you’ve received some amazing insight and advice here. Apologies if this has been addressed already: if you are going to be alone with a newborn (either in Texas or the UK), would it make sense for your husband to relocate and you to stay here? I know it seems dramatic, but maybe he should go and see what life would be like? You and the children could join him in the US for holidays, equally he could join you in UK when time permitted?

My sil lived in Houston. Visited twice. I generally like us cities but Houston really is a sh*thole. No town planning, no character, DIRE hot weather. I’d only live in Austin if had to live in TX.

They escaped to NC and even then worry about gun crime and school shootings.

id like to know how many people commenting yes have actually been to Houston @Nunu90

I’d probably consider it in the short term, but I’d home school.

On the basis of what you’ve said OP I would not go. I’d say he could go, fill his boots, and see if the marriage survives. Being the big career man in Texas is vastly different from being a woman there. You’re a grown up, if you don’t want to go then just don’t go.

Bluntly, without information re the whole package, your DH has absolutely no idea what he is saying yes or no to. This is not the approach of someone with business sense. This is the approach of someone keen to please his superiors and putting blind trust in them rather than taking proper decisions based on his own reasoning and for the good of his family.

Not attractive. Not reassuring.

It would be a no from me on that basis alone - I can't trust his judgment.

Oh OP, you're in a terrible dilemma, I so don't envy you. On the surface I too would say let DH go and see what it's like. To sell up, leave friends and family, take a newborn and little one all that way, only to end up, as you said, an un-employed ex-pat. Sounds awful, for you anyway your DH will be busy...getting used to his new position, with new people, travelling around the US. Let him go, let him fill you in as to what it's like, and like you said, guns laws and with a new president not even decided, I would not go myself that's for sure, now with all you're leaving behind that you love, not to mention your own moving up the ranks at work! Have you Googled "cost of living in Texas"? Good luck, OP I do hope you make the right decision, not go with your excited and ambitious DH, you have a life to your know, and your children. Good Luck!

Have you seen the paperwork?

I can't believe he won't ask for or share any of the relocation package details. Surely you will want to read and research the details of the paperwork and contract firsthand and visit the area with your DC before considering this seriously. I can't believe anyone would move without this information?!

But my answer would still be no. It seems like this is make or break, you love the life you have, you have planned your family, work, school.and housing around what you thought were shared family goals. If you are happy and he is now trying to change what you agreed to in your relationship then I'm afraid it's make or break time.

I also wouldn't be happy to agree for him to work away as for me having a present husband to share life with and parent my DC outweighs financial gain. You will never get back these early years with your children I can't believe your DH would sacrifice what sounds like a pretty charmed life for a job. And I can't imagine loving someone with those values.

You have completely legitimate worries. Personally, I would never move to the USA. It is a terrible place, racist, unequal and they are supporting war criminals. That is not a place for a child to grow up. In addition, there are awful laws and crazy people making decisions about women's health and reproductive issues especially in Texas. I would never move to the USA. It is only hollywood movies that make it seem like a good, fun place, but they are completely backwards there and have bleak values about life and cause a lot of problems around the world.

I've only read your responses OP, so sorry if anyone has suggested this.

Would you/he consider going without you?
If his package is good, and he has the same amount of leave as he has now, could he fly back to a week every couple of months, and you fly out with the kids several times a year (school holidays etc once the eldest starts school)?

Will your work allow flexible 'term time' working. So you could work all holidays around those dates?

I know that's not ideal, and I'm not sure how I'd feel about it with two young kids. But if he's likely to travel a lot in the US anyway you'd just be on your own over there.

This way you and the kids get to stay settled, he gets the promotion and experience, mortgage gets paid/reduced etc.

How's your mat leave? Could you spend a good portion of it over there with him, on the understanding you will be returning home?

Refuse to discuss it until he provides you with the expat offer and dossier. You need exact figures, exact salary, exact terms and details of the offer. When my husband was offered his job in in Houston, they came to the home to talk it through with both of us to discuss our needs - ie in your case that would involve the expat team going over your healthcare needs (kids and pregnancy), schools, showing you a file of properties to give a sense of what you might be able to rent, and they’d discuss your visa eligibility and restrictions with regard to working yourself.

Even though your DH is being offered the job, the relocation package covers you. It has legal and immigration impacts upon you personally, along with your children, so you’re entitled to have conversations directly with the company offering it. If DH stonewalls and will not give the info to you, I think you are in the ‘you can take the job and go by yourself as I’m applying for a divorce’ territory.

No way. If it was just the pair of you pre kids, I’d consider it. But with young children and another on the way? Hell no. No child of mine would be exposed to the US school system.

I’ve travelled quite extensively in the US and Texas is about as conservative as you can. Everyone bears arms, everyone votes Trump, they are churchy. They drive everywhere as it’s so enormous. The weather is vile and I mean VILE. Trust me when I say there is a world of difference spending say two weeks in Florida (closest comparison that a lot of people will have done) and actually living somewhere like that year in year out. It’s like living in a swamp and you end up spending most of the year inside in the air conditioning.

Cost of living is atrocious. Think double what you spend here for groceries.

And they have another Trump presidency incoming. Run a mile.

Can he go out there on his own and test the life for himself before you have to make your decision? He should know you well enough to know if you’d hate it (if he’s being honest with himself).

I would not move to Texas. I wouldn’t want my kids growing up there, school shootings, having to drive at 16 whether they want to or not, no public transport structure for them, big sprawling suburbs, guns in Walmart. Their views on women’s rights (or lack of) are appalling. Hard no from me for Texas (keeping in mind I’ve never actually been there).

I wouldn’t even consider it without a breakdown of the package. Also is the company not offering a visit to see if you want to relocate there? When we moved on any expat contract the company paid for a trip which included looking at houses, areas to live, schools, free time to explore etc.
I would expect the company to provide details on following:
rent/car/salary/pension arrangements/ schooling/ trips home/ furnishing new home/ annual leave/ healthcare/dental
I doesn’t mean the company has to provide everything but I expect to know what my costs are and how much I can save / how much money I have for travel etc.
l lived in China, but would not move to Texas.

I wouldn't recommend living there at your age just purely due to the restrictions on abortion and the affect on women's reproductive health as a whole.

So i work with someone who is actually based out there, he hates it, wants to come home, and his marriage broke up because of it. His kids see him a few times a year and he bitterly regrets it - it's also really expensive to live out there! I would really re-think it OP, but ultimately, it's a joint decision, it does feel he is bullying you a bit tho.... Also - it's never only for 'X years' ... have you seen the state of the US schools systems? my best friend lives in NY and she HATES the fact they do active shooter drills, she cant wait to get home (they were there for 3 years but now 5) She's put her foot down tho - leaving next year with or without the husband. AND - your poor doggy!!! It's a No from me, your husband sounds selfish.

Texas sounds charming, OP. Perhaps when you're there your DH can take your kids to watch an execution or two?

https://www.tdcj.texas.gov/death_row/dr_executed_offenders.html

His head is in the clouds. My huge US company provides ‘excellent’ benefits for its US staff - except, their deductibles and co-pays etc cost them thousands a year. It’s not a simple as insurance covering everything - it really doesn’t. Particularly not when you have kids who are going to need a lot of healthcare visits, check ups, dentist and so on.
I wouldn’t be entertaining this at all TBH but until he comes back with everything written down - salary, tax, housing costs, healthcare costs, transport costs - you’ll need two cars, childcare costs. budget for an annual trip to the UK to see family …

he’s got overexcited because he knows he’ll have fun running around the US with work.

good luck!

I've moved abroad with DH for his job, nowhere near as far, but I think there are some similarities.

It really harmed my career as I couldn't do there what I'd been doing in the UK. I'm now way behind as I lost five years of progression.

It tested our relationship like nothing else and if we hadn't been solid when we went, I'm not sure it would have survived.Reading about how your husband is currently behaving is alarming me to be honest. It's not the foundation for living abroad together happily.

We were chasing a bigger salary and naively didn't realise quite what a CoL gap we'd hit. Despite a salary more or less double what we'd left, we ended up in debt, and renting out our house was a hassle and expense. Unless you are really, really sure that this is a genuine real terms pay rise, don't do it.

The costs of connecting to family mount up so quickly. And we wanted the kids to know their grandparents better. The flights were much shorter than yours would be but we were still paying 1k+ for every weekend visit home.

I have US family and visiting them, in a little walkable town in the east, is just how entirely car based culture is there. And they COULD walk. It's isolating to need a car to go anywhere at all. I loathed it.

Absolutely no way I'd be moving there. Being unable to have an abortion if you accidentally got pregnant is a huge issue, unless you're hoping for more children / not planning to have sex / he is planning a vasectomy. Its safe because its a gated community...which implies the wider area is not safe. Would you be able to leave with the kids if you split or would you be stuck there forever? Looking at the stats on school shootings would also be enough for me to say a flat no. You've already moved around a few times and he told you this would be your forever home. Just no