Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

100% not being unreasonable no. A relocation to any country is a huge upheaval-especially with your home situation. It’s scary, it’s unknown and it’s a risk either way.
For me personally, I would never consider moving to the US, especially not to a red state. But that my own personal feelings. Many, many Brits relocate to the US for work and love it.
Your DH needs to be a little more understanding of what he’s expecting his family to give up for the sake of his own personal gain, he has to see it through the eyes of all of you, not just himself.
Sounds too simplistic I know, but have the two of you sat down and listed out the pros and cons of staying vs going? Seeing it down on paper really can help-it can certainly help him gain a wider perspective

I have. Hence the post that can basically be summarised as ‘noooooooooo’ 😉

He also said he doesn't want to be away from us, and miss out on DS

🙄🙄🙄 oh righto then...
He really does want to eat his cake and have it.

2 other points
Houston is awful... its true sorry. I went for work 4 times. I like cities generally and dont "hate America"
The job might be awful he may hate it... on that basis him.going solo also makes sense
Americans are culturally SO different i work for a US company but think I'd struggle IN the US iyswim

I dont envy you OP.
Good Luck.

It would be a definite no from me. You could end up being really isolated and financially vulnerable.

If you went and split you would need to not only consider that he may not let you take your children back to the UK but also that you could have been out of the workplace a while and that will impact your career and potential earnings. You also need to think about your pension. The opportunity is great for him but it needs to be great for the whole family and I think you would be in a a very vulnerable position.

He is dealing with it all like a child who has been told no. The sulking and not getting the full details would make me even more likely to say no! I wouldn’t be happy with him going alone either. Why should you be left at home with a baby and a toddler with no support?

There is no way on earth I would move under these circumstances. Not to the USA, certainly not to Texas, not with young kids and most definitely not with a man like your husband.

You are not in a good marriage. You are in a marriage where your opinions and concerns are belittled if they get in the way of what your husband wants. They are dismissed, and you are accused of "creating issues". If you cannot be talked around or pushed into agreeing with him, you are punished with the silent treatment for days on end. This isn't a man who respects you as an equal partner and values your happiness as much as his own. You would be making yourself and your children VERY vulnerable if you make this move. Once you are over there, you really are at his mercy. The idea of being trapped in gun-toting, anti-abortion law Texas, potentially under a Trump presidency, thousands of miles away from your family and your support network, with a man who won't let you leave with your babies is horrifying.

Don't do it.

Its a huge thing to simply give a go, especially with children to consider.

As a PP has said, he can't have his cake and eat it, I'd feel the same as you about moving away from my support network and career with soon to be two young children, especially to somewhere like Texas.

id like to know how many people commenting yes have actually been to Houston

Maybe I’m in the minority, but I quite liked Houston. Lived in the suburbs and there was always things to do - I think in the year we were there, there was only a handful of days when we didn’t go out somewhere.

We went through the package on offer in great detail and did the sums and knew that after the first year things would be tight without a decent salary increase, but we went for the opportunity to live somewhere very different.

We later had job offers to EU countries, and the figures were similar, but we turned them down because the experience wouldn’t compensate for the neutral financial package.

Having said that, our situation was very different to the OPs - we were very much on the same page about what would happen if one of us decided Houston wasn’t for us (return home).

I think from what OP has said about the discussions so far, there’s no way I’d be confident that the DH was being open and honest.

I don't think he's seeing you as an autonomous person with your own wants and needs. He sees you as his support human - doing all the comproming for his job and caring for DC. Sulking for three days is immature and selfish. Not seeing that you value your financial independence is immature and selfish.

I lived in France for a decade (because I loved it, I chose it, I met my French husband there...) and despite having a comfortable situation there, we STILL came to live back in my UK home town last year because I really missed my family and longterm friends. I wanted my parents to see their grandchildren more than 4 times a year, and I wanted to see my childhood friends more regularly. I don't think anything compares to being with your people. You might make friends out in Texas...but you might not. Obviously you'll find people to hang out with wherever you live, but that's not the same category of friendship as those in your life who really know you, who you laugh with until you can't breathe and who you can cry with.

I'm concerned your husband might have fallen for the idea that he needs more and that more money is the most important thing in life. Ok maybe you could pay off a chunk of the mortgage a few years earlier but...do you need to? It sounds like you guys earn enough to just keep paying it over the 20 years or whatever as planned, no?

I would divorce rather than move to the USA.

The overwhelming sentiment in your posts is its all me me me and I’m a talking him, not you. It’s all about how he will benefit from his fabulous new job. Yes of course it will be wonderful for him to move further up the ladder……at the expense of you and your children! Why should you give up your career, your friends, family and life you’ve built for him to live his “dream”?

I expect he hasn’t actually sat down and crunched the numbers of his “dream” yet anyway. I think it will be a lot more depressing than he thinks. He’s probably doubling his salary but doubling his outgoings at the same time, which could put you in a worse position.

It would be TOTALLY different to me if it was ‘safe’/sensible countries like one of the Scandi countries or Canada or something. But Texas? No way.

Our friends went to California for a couple of years with teenagers in tow with their full agreement etc. But it was only even going to be a fixed term thing unless they all agreed that living there was better. They had a great experience but did say that they did not care for US schools/education system.

On the one hand, I’ve been surprised at the socially very liberal friends who’ve moved to Texas and loved it, so do consider that.

on the other hand you don’t want to move, so his refusing to agree an end date is a hard no. Also saying I can’t ask for the details until I’ve said yes would get ok it’s a no, and what kind of drugs is he taking to think you can fly back to the uk for medical care? ‘So dh, I’m 6 months pregnant, trip down the stairs and start cramping. Your solution is to Google and book a flight to London, and pack me into a wheelchair and on it, so I can delightfully miscarry our child on a plane? How lovely, could you tell my mum your plan, so she knows why if I die in premature childbirth halfway across the Atlantic? Speaking of me dying, you realise if anything does go wrong with the baby the doctors in texas are legally required to let me die to save the baby if that’s what’s needed, how will your amazing career work as a solo dad of a toddler and prem baby? I’d really like answers to these q questions that show you’ve spent more than 2 seconds thinking about them because it’s just me and my baby’s life and health and who cares about them? Clearly not you is what you’re saying as you sulk around the house that I’ve destroyed your career opportunity.

‘A few weeks ago I mentioned whether he could do 2 weeks at home, 2 weeks there, but apparently there's a threshold where he could end up being taxed in the UK and US?’

he’S not being entirely honest with you. There’s a tax treaty which prevents double taxation BUT you usually pay whichever country charges the higher rate. He may be talking about being taxed in the USA as it’s lower - except when you start bringing in healthcare and benefits it isn’t really rather than as a U.K. tax payer working in the US being subject to U.K. tax.
It’s another thing he needs to either find out about properly OR be honest about.
If he goes on a US contract and lives there - how much time will he get for vacation? And what about sickness?
In our company US staff start on 2 weeks PTO - incl sickness. U.K. staff have 5 weeks holiday time, plus bank hols PLUS the usual sick time rules.
If he is on a U.K. contract, he should be able to keep his U.K. rights & benefits…

He’s either trying to gloss over the tricky bits or he’s genuinely NOT thought about all this which is a worry. If he’s in a US contract, how much time off as a family are you going to have? Will he even be around weekends or will he be working to prove himself?

Quite.

I think you need to find your anger here. You are asking reasonable questions and he hasn't bothered to even find out the package.

He is the one being selfish.

You know what, it's ok for you to say no. It sounds like you have been more than accommodating previously.

I can't imagine a group of people I would have less in common with. It sounds like hell on earth to me. 😫

I would start talking to friends and family about this if you haven’t already, to see what they all think of the situation, and see if they think your DH is being reasonable…

‘I, too, believe a 'gated' community would be claustrophobic. Particularly as they will all be his work colleagues and families. ’

BIL and family live in one of these in the South, and it’s weird and dull! Oh, and apparently only white people live in their one… it doesn’t even have a shop so they drive for everything, even a quart of milk, and it has its own security gates, park, little swimming pool then the kids get ferried in and out in SUVs to school.
It’s so odd that the first time we went for a visit and decided to walk around someone called the security guards and we were interviewed and then taken back to BILs as we had no ID on us!

Excellent points here

I’ve lived in Houston and actually really
enjoyed my time there. Texas is a really interesting place and I would happily do another few years there. Genuinely had a great time and found it really easy to make lasting friends.

It’s clear however that you just absolutely do not want to move. I don’t think it would be half as bad as you imagine, you would probably have a good time, but if you don’t want to then don’t.

I also think that if it does bring in ££ it’s worth sacrificing a few years for. My parents paid off their mortgage via an international move. My
mum wasn’t pleased, but made it work. We kids had a fantastic time and I was much, much, happier during and after the move than before.

It sounds as if you might need to accept this could be a catalyst that eventually might lead to the break up of your marriage as it doesn’t sound as if you’re very happy to begin with tbh.

I've already posted that I don't think you should go, but another thought:

If his company really is so eager to get him out there, then he holds the cards for negotiating the best possible package for your whole family. It makes no sense for him to just meekly wait and see what they offer once he says yes.

So either he's a crap negotiator (unlikely given his current salary) or the company isn't actually that keen for him to go over or he knows the package is crap and just wants to move regardless of his family's comfort (most likely).

I'm American, have lived in TX and love my country. BUT you need to work on your marriage before you even think about adding the pressure of living in a foreign country. Not speaking to you is abusive. Not telling you about the employment package (he has to know by now) is abusive. Discounting your fears is abusive. THAT is what you both need to work on, not moving overseas.

I skim-read near the end and see it's already been touched on but I would never put myself in a situation where I could be deported and my child ordered to stay in another country.

There is nobody in this world I would trust enough that I would take that risk. Even if your DH sounded perfected (which he doesn't - refusing to speak with you for days when you said no is alarming) I would say the same.

He could have an affair, a brain injury, change as he gets older, all sorts. You can trust someone 99% if that feels right to you. But there is nobody in the world you can rely on 100% and there is nobody I would take the risk of being separated from my child for.

I say this as someone who has always fantasised about living in the US and thinks it would potentially be a great opportunity if it wasn't for that issue.

Don't do it, OP. There's no such thing as 'just trying' a new location when it is thousands of miles away and means cutting all your old connections and starting again. It would be different if you knew Texas well and have always thought it would be nice to live there, but that is far from the case. I think you need to stand firm on this one.