Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

I don't blame you. I am sure Texas is an interesting place to visit (my son works there sometimes and has spent time there this year, as well as other parts of the USA), but living there is not so interesting. Somewhere else I would consider.

You have a decent job, have a small child and are pregnant, it's not the time to uproot.

However, if it really was temporary, you could perhaps discuss having an extended leave of absence from work. That's up to you. People do sometimes go off for a year or so and return.

The USA is also having cost of living problems as well as many other problems. The grass is not always greener.

It's really not too bad here, we have weathered many storms over the years and come out the other side, we will do so with this one. I am nearly 75 and count my blessings.

Good luck. I hope your husband understands.

Exactly this - a nice, balanced post.
Sorry OP, but your husband is being incredibly naive by not getting the fine print about the expat package and I would insist he does so before discussing it further (you can't have a sensible discussion about uprooting your life without all the relevant, important information). Does he really think saying Yes without seeing the detail would be better than saying No until you've seen the detail? What if he says Yes and then you see something in the contract/package that's a deal breaker and he has to go back and say he's changed his mind - that would be a terrible look.
I don't have any sage advice, but you have my absolute sympathy OP. (It's such a pity the opportunity isn't in Europe - easy/relatively cheap to get back to the UK for frequent visits and the added benefit of DC learning a second language.) I agree with you (and again, no disrespect to any US MNetters), but with their lax gun control, disrespect for women's health rights and the very real possibility that Trump could become POTUS again, it's the last country (and state) I'd want to relocate to (I wouldn't even holiday there because I find their ease of gun ownership anathema). I'm also asking myself, why do the expats have to live in a "gated" community .....?

I wouldn't go. The prospect of a Trump administration is one of the main reasons, but also I suspect that your partner isn't chasing promotion for the benefit of the family, but for his own ego, with little consideration as to how the move will impact you and your child.

👆👆👆

This is your future right here OP.

And I’m sorry you’re stuck there!

Nothing could persuade me to live in Texas, especially if I was of child baring age.

Frankly after reading your posts I don’t think your relationship is strong enough for you to risk moving to Texas.
A decision like this needs open discussion.
Your dh won’t even ask the right questions at work and would sooner bully you into moving than take your concerns seriously and talk them through.

Can you go and visit?

A little over a decade ago and at a not dissimilar stage in life, we turned down a similar opportunity. It was an emotional decision rather than a financial one. Family, identity, that sort of thing. I didn’t want my children to grow up identifying as a nationality foreign to my own if we stayed too long, as then we’d get stuck there. I worried about missing out on precious grandparental relationships. And, to some extent that holds true, but we would be much richer if we had gone. If we were in that position now, we’d go. Britain is in a precarious place. If you go, you will find you have more disposable income, more job opportunities, and your children will have more opportunities if they hold an American passport when they are adults.

You're pregnant OP. You absolutely have to have the fine details of the health insurance on offer. What if your baby is very premature, or needs medical care for other reasons? It simply isn't possible for you to go if this isn't covered

Yeah he's being really cavalier expecting you to be happy about this

If you're not on board, you don't go, simple as that. You've already moved for his career and you are now settled and happy. He should not dismiss that so easily.
Would he potentially go alone?! Because if he wants to go and you want to stay, this is where it may end up.
Personally I wouldn't go, for many of the reasons stated.
I know a couple of families with young children who worked state side for a while. Both came back - one because of the negative impact of America on their child and the other because the job came to an end.

I have relatives in Texas and California and I'll add to the chorus of "you need the full package details". Ignoring everything else, the salary will make a huge difference. You'd want a minimum of double UK wage, CoL is insanely expensive in the US.
With a load of money (and a visa you can work on, which may not be on offer) go if your marriage is solid. It would be a great adventure. But if not, it will be extremely hard.

@HmAndAh he says around $400k? But I don't know how far that's broken down as that includes health insurance, I believe. He doesn't have a breakdown of leave, expat packages, and what exactly the health insurance cover amounts to and what it includes (i.e. the policy).

He estimates we'd be able to pay 'half off the mortgage' which I just don't think is realistic. Our current mortgage is about £400k. We'd be paying off for a long time if we remained in the UK, but I'm not convinced all that much will be taken off it by working in the US.

Sounds like the advice from pretty much everyone is not to do it. Can’t say I would either.
What about he goes and you stay? The package could include financing extra help for you with the children/house etc. And money for regular visits by him to home (and for you and DCs to Texas). Maybe he doesn’t even have to be there all the time (it is 2024 after all, there are video calls galore etc). If the company is that keen on him they could consider that.

Is a secondment an option? Having a deadline on returning home in 1 year

You also need to remember that staying here is the default. This is where you live and everyone is settled. If he wants to make a massive change then he needs to convince you, and if he doesn't, then you can say no.

If he resorts to bullying, sulking and gaslighting because you say no, or threatens to leave, then that's on him. Don't be guilted into anything.

I've lived in the States and it's an incredible continent but no way would I even be considering this. A gated community is an extremely claustrophobic environment, and in all likelihood you won't be working or getting the opportunity to make your own friends, plus...Texas...and Trump potentially.

But more than all of that, your DH is being an absolute cunt to you. He knows you don't want this, that you've been clear from the outset you don't want this, and is trying every trick in the book to pressure you into it anyway. Is this a man you want to be with long-term? And if it isn't, you certainly don't want to decide that once and for all when you're stranded overseas with no rights and two small children.

He's also completely delusional if he thinks you'll come out of this with a huge pile of cash to clear your UK mortgage.

I would almost be tempted to tell him to go without you, because if you dig your heels in and insist on staying (which you should) he'll probably sulk so badly you'll want to leave him anyway. At least if he fucks off to Texas without you, you can stay in that nice village house on his nickel for a few years while the kids are small.

It's very depressing that he's put you in this position.

Absolutely don’t go.

It would leave you hugely vulnerable if you ever split up. It also suggests he thinks he's the boss of the family. Nope nope nope.

That's an interesting idea. When I was young, my father was often away from home for months at a time.

Might that be an option?

He goes to Texas and you and the family stay in the UK. If he gets, say, six weeks holiday then he be home three times a year for two weeks at a time or six times a year for a week at a time.

Could you put up with him being away for eight weeks and then home for a week?

Would it be the end of your marriage if he went alone? In your situation I’d tell him he can choose to go on his own or stay here, but I’m not going to Texas under any circumstances.

My friend moved to Texas when she first got married, for her husband's job. They came back almost as soon as she was pregnant as she said it was not somewhere she would want to raise children. This was 9 years ago and I believe the situation is much worse for women there now.

I would not go. Can he go and you stay here and visit for periods of time? Alternating with him coming back to the UK?

You're in such a vulnerable position and it seems clear your don't want to go. Don't do it. Life is more than a job.

As it is a 3-year "temporary" secondment with timing subject to change, I'd suggest he goes ex-pat on his own and flies home regularly. (And you and the kids fly out for the school holidays—at least the summer holidays.) I'd also suggest he checks whether he will keep his UK holiday allowance even while working in the USA.

(Also, check whether the company will fund private education if you want to consider going with him en famille. International schools are great for maintaining a more consistent curriculum between countries. It sucks to be school-age here and find out that the overseas schools expect you to be in kindergarten. That's why ex-pats like private schools; you get to enrol in an appropriate school year. I suppose you could homeschool instead.)

I follow a few UK mums, living in America and they’re all terrified of school shootings and looking to see how they can move home.

I also follow an American mum, living in the UK. She openly says it’s the main reason why she’d never go home.

@Nunu90 Has he given you any idea of his package?

e.g. currently earns £70k, you earn £40k. His wage in Texas $170k.

There will be people on here that will be able to tell you - actually with rent in Houston and all the taxes/ cost of living, you're better off in the UK.

I would want to go through the relocation package with a fine toothcomb.

I do know people who strategically manage their career with a foreign country move so that it accelerates their employment. They get the 'big job' that they really want in 5 years rather than 12.
All of them have exceptional relocation packages though and an approximate date of a UK return.

So glad others have suggested the "he goes, you stay" possibility - I started posting this earlier on and deleted it because I thought I'd get a MN pile-on. Now I know it wasn't a daft idea at all (or, at least, I've got company in my "daftness"! 😂)