Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

Well of course there’s the possibility it could be brilliant. But everyone seems to be telling this lady that she’s be better off sending her husband abroad and becoming a single mother here in the UK instead. I mean, I’d laugh my head off if that wasn't such a sad idea. So it’s not like you’re offering much better advice really is it?

The UK is expensive and if you’ve ever lived anywhere else, you’d know that it’s pretty rubbish by comparison too. Crappy health service. Crappy schools. Overcrowded towns.

You lot talk about America’s guns, the UK is the stabbing capital at the moment, people running about with machetes and zombie knives.

I have used the USA’s health service and it was fabulous. You have to have insurance. I assume that would be part of the package of moving/the job.

But everyone seems to be telling this lady that she’s be better off sending her husband abroad and becoming a single mother here in the UK instead. I mean, I’d laugh my head off if that wasn't such a sad idea.

Uh, having one spouse work separately for a year or two is quite common and not a sad idea. It is also not the same as being a "single mother."

US health insurance is usually great and of course the OP's family are not going to get shot or forced to go to church. However, this thread is full of seasoned expats, including many who have lived in Texas, who have urged her to be really cautious about this idea, and with good reason.

I am a permanent resident of another country. Emigrating can be a great thing. It also has a lot of risks and downsides. I too have seen a lot of mothers end up well and truly stuck when relationships break down and Dad wants to stay and Mum doesn't. It is not a situation I'd wish on anyone. No couple with kids should ever emigrate unless both parties are genuinely enthusiastic about the idea, are both able to work and pursue careers legally in the destination country, and have a rock solid marriage (and even that does not 100% guarantee that awful things could happen down the line).

You seem to be against people who express a different view to yours and who are sharing opinions with the op.

Are you always like that? Do you respect that sometimes people share varying opinions and that’s allowed?

Do you always attack people who disagree, focusing on them and their husbands personally? 🧐

I tell you where I never encountered this type of behaviour. Texas!

I shared my opinion on a public forum. Op can do what she likes with that opinion. I don’t care it doesn’t affect me. But isn’t it nice for op to get a range of responses, or should we all just echo the fear mongering?

I think we both know that it would be difficult to sustain a long distance relationship like that for three years, especially when you’re left behind raising babies.

I’m with Flutterbycustard on this.

I read all of op’s post about loving her life now. There’s definitely no mention of existing marital problems in any of her posts except about the the three days of silence and tbh I am kind of sympathetic to her dh here. He must be massively disappointed if this is the job opportunity of a lifetime.

The dh hates his job atm and has presumably sucked that up for a number of years. I don’t understand why op can’t do the same and say she will at least go for three years initially and agree to reassess at that point?

It could be amazing!

In my marriage we generally moved according to who had the biggest salary. That’s what it comes down to for most people. Economics. Most people don’t have the luxury of being able to turn good work opportunities when offered them.

And sorry but if you marry someone, and have dc with them, you can’t make important decisions like this solely as an individual any more. You do what is best for the family overall. Obviously op’s happiness is equally important to her dh’s. But sometimes in a marriage you have to alternate in letting your spouse take the lead, then the next major decision is yours. That’s how dh and I worked it out anyway. It’s inevitable sometimes that you can’t both be equally happy at the same time.

Op I am really sympathetic to the fact that you are going through all of this stress while pregnant. You must feel like you have had the rug pulled out from under you.

You have referred to not being in a great place mentally. Are you sure this is caused just by the recent issue of leaving the uk for dh’s job? The reason I ask is that nowhere in the thread do you seem to even consider that it might be a great opportunity . You sound as if you had your mind made up right from the start. And depression can make you less open to new possibilities I suppose. Sorry if I have that wrong.

I hope you and your dh can resolve this 💐

I don't think your marriage will survive if you go as he seems utterly selfish.

You've said you will weather him working over there for up to 50% of the time but HE will miss DS too much. So you stay living in misery in Houston so he can have weekends with DS.

Does your H have hobbies and being sociable? If he currently does go much time will he really spend with DS? Long hours working, few holidays etc.

Having a husband working abroad does not make you a single mother.

I say that as an actual single mother, with a boyfriend who lives in a different country so I think I am qualified to comment 😂

Not easy, no. But the alternatives seem to be that the OP is miserable (and could risk ending up in a devastating situation if the marriage breaks down overseas), or that her husband spends God knows how long sulking and blaming her for making him "miss out."

Suggesting he goes overseas for a year seems the least bad option to me.

But sometimes in a marriage you have to alternate in letting your spouse take the lead, then the next major decision is yours. That’s how dh and I worked it out anyway. It’s inevitable sometimes that you can’t both be equally happy at the same time.

The OP has moved for her DH's job several times already. Her DH already has a perfectly good job where they are.

Yes it could be brilliant. But the red flags are all there. And they have nothing to do with the culture in the US despite many posters commenting on it.

The warning signs are the husband having moved multiple times and never being happy and him unilaterally trying to make this decision and pressure the OP into it with no regard as to how this will affect her.

It shows that he's chasing something elusive. You can't run away from yourself. It smells like a man who, if he meets someone else, would drop the OP like a hot potato because he is chasing something that doesn't exist. He certainly has no respect for the OP and doesn't wish to make decisions as a couple. The marriage isn't a strong one for this reason and relocation tests even the strongest marriage. He wants to impose this on the OP. The OP would be exceptionally vulnerable should it go tits up. Nothing here is saying that the marriage is in a good position and likely to survive as a result.

So whilst being a single mother in the UK is an unattractive prospect and not one to encourage, you also have to weigh up the likelihood of the marriage surviving.

This makes moving abroad and the marriage ending a reasonable good chance, which the OP simply can not discount. She needs to consider that possibility.

That makes being a single mum in the UK look more attractive than being a single mum in the US who is unable to return without her children or a potentially even worse scenario where she can't get a visa but she also can't leave with her children.

Who would want to take that chance?

This is the reality that the OP faces: it all working out and living happily ever after, staying in the UK alone or going and it being a total disaster.

Given how much the OP doesn't want to go in the first place, the last scenario is perhaps the one that's most likely unfortunately.

It's certainly NOT a case of merely choosing between going to Texas and it working out or staying in the UK as a single mother - the third scenario is most definitely in the picture here.

Based on that the risk adverse thing would be to stay, regardless of how shitty that is.

So OP, if you really feel that you cannout entertain moving to Texas (and I understand all of your reasons, esp as you seem to need to make a decision without even a visit), then I can only suggest you do as I am going my DH. He HAS declined roles because of the kids in the past and ours are 16 and 19, but sadly both have autism and one also ADHD and battling MH conditions. We’re hoping they will both be settles into uni next year and year after, but oldest likely living at home - TMI but the point is it is still NOT a good time for me to become a trailing spouse, though I would have done on several occasions previously. Our kids cannot come with (def not to a ME posting as my DD is LGB and her ASD means she will not self sensor) and I will not leave them yet. It is my DH’s last chance to reach a pinnacle in his career before he ages out and although there may be a similar opportunity at his current firm, nothing is concrete until an offer is in hand.

I’ve told him to go for it, plan to go alone, and we will find away for me to see him a lot - whether it’s him returning to the UK regularly, meeting him with kids in other countries in between, or when he travels with work, whether it’s me coming 1week a month and arranging for fam and friends to ‘watch’ the kids. We also have two spaniels, who I would not give up and taking them to a hot country is a no-no, too. I’ve said that if either of the jobs sing to him he must pursue it, but look at a higher travel allowances etc in lieu of schooling grants and the fact he’d only need a 1-2bed apartment and not a house etc. like you DH, OP, there will be a lot of travel involved, so he understand that if he is travelling 50% of the time there is absolutely no point my sitting in an apartment on my own in a foreign country.

I’ve absolutely cheerlead him through this, rather than made it about my refusal to come, as I understand that in this market and at hsis age careers stall and people can be made redundant easily. I also know he has been very unhappy in his life generally for the last 5 years and there are two of us in our marriage. But our circumstances feel very different to yours and I KNOW - because he we were there at your stage - that he would never have proposed a move like this at your stage. I have 5 miscarriages before my 2nd was born, so he’d never do anything to have risked that pregnancy. It’s another reason why I couldn’t now go to Texas.

Please talk to him about how he could take the role and you support him from the UK. I know this will not be what he wants, but tell him that you don’t want to stand in his way if he and his firm think this is is one and inly opportunity to go (or get a promotion). It’s a compromise position, but it may take the heat out of the situation and hive you the space back in the Uk to really work out what you want from your marriage.

I agree. At the very least, sulking is incredibly immature.

@Flutterbycustard you seem to be ignoring the part where op explains HER job/career will be stalled again, he cannot (or will not) tell her all the actual details of the relo package, she is pregnant and has a history of miscarriage, she’s already made several moves for his career and was promised the last move was the last. Quite apart from stonewalling her for three days previously when she said she didn’t want to go, he is now pressuring her, and dropping comments about being trapped and her refusal being bad for his career. He is expecting her to make a life changing decision without all the facts and is brushing aside all her objections and reasons to stay. It’s not about ‘great opportunities and travel’ when you’re anxious about healthcare, pregnant, and have a toddler. Or are stuck abroad in a very hot and humid place abroad with a toddler, new baby, no friends and a husband busy away for two weeks at a time, and you are reliant on him for everything as you cannot work.

@Ferryacrossthemersey77 , thanks for your message. It's mainly to do with anxiety around my fear of losing my baby in this pregnancy.

We have worked hard to build up a life here, and I would be more open to the opportunity if it wasn't where it is.

that said you would find yourself unable to talk about politics and gun control and being party to what most brits think of extreme views

I've not spent any real time in Texas, but fyi, most of us who vote blue talk about pretty much nothing else at the moment, so you might find plenty of like-minded company

OP he’s abusive, it’s clear as a bell from every post you write. This isn’t about opportunities and lifestyle. You’ve been clear in your descriptions of your life that while you’re with this man, these are choices he does not expect you to have.

If you go overseas with him, you put your actual self entirely in his power - which is probably part of the reason he’s so keen. Nothing like being able to say to you ‘If you don’t do xyz, we’re over… and you can get out and go back to the UK without your baby’

I think you know that yes, he’d do that to you. And tell himself that he only said it to make you ‘see sense’ and do what he wants.

Don’t go. It’s nothing to do with bloody mortgages and cost of living and heat and blah blah. It’s literally you being shown that you’re with an abusive bully and for the sake of you and your baby you need to protect yourself.

Still yet to see anyone offer any reason as to why exactly it could be so amazing for anyone other than the husband? What would be amazing about it that isn’t achievable in the UK?

I must have missed in the original posts where DH hates his job but IMO that’s even more of hard no! It might be a promotion but it’s still the same company… seems very risky to me.