Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

Have you been to Texas?

I absolutely wouldn’t have done this once I had children, there’s just no amount of money that would sway me. I wouldn’t prevent dp going if he really wanted the opportunity, but he’d be going without me.

All of this has lasted more than just few days.
the dh is still on a mission to convince her by preparing a trip there - when she is still pg, in a country that doesn’t ‘do’ abortion and care in case of miscarriages.

How long will you give him to calm down and get over the disappointment and start behaving well again?

Because you know me so well.

That’s your problem. You base very simple judgements off not a lot of information and argue the toss that you are right. Anyone who disagrees is a worse person, with lower standards.

There IS a possibility that this could be brilliant. Op could explore it no strings attached and see what she feels like then.

We’ve been together since 1995 and we love each other very very much, despite our many faults.

Will you get a Full time nanny? Preferably live in one.
Also a cleaner?
Plus Someone who can come in and prepare meals?

If yes to the above 3, then go and try it.

A better life…in Texas? Maybe for him but not for you, especially if you can’t work.

There isn’t a chance in hell that I’d give my career up to move away for someone else’s career.

Especially not backwards Texas.

Well truthfully, I’d try and talk about it with him. I’d try to see his point of view and gauge the direction of our relationship depending on the outcome of our decision.
I’d understand that with such a huge offer, the disappointment would be equally huge, so he’d get a bit of an allowance for that. Id try to show understanding that I knew what this meant to him, and ultimately if I put my foot down, that I understood and was grateful for what he was giving up.

OP I was in a similar position several years ago - pregnant with first child and DH offered role abroad. We decided to go for it when our baby was 8 weeks old and spent three years away before returning to the UK. I presume your DH would be sent on a standard three year contract which could be extended if the company wished. If you are interested in working in the US, his company should be able to advise what is involved in you obtaining a work visa.

There were many positives of being on an expat assignment. We rented out our UK home so were able to pay a significant amount off our mortgage, we travelled extensively while away and met many new friends from both the local and expat community. I can see from your posts that you are apprehensive but you can also get a lot of good experiences from this opportunity. I wouldn’t want to live long term in Texas with radical Republican views and gun culture but there are many lovely Americans as well who would welcome you to their country. I’d probably come back to the UK or travel elsewhere during the heat of summer but enjoy the lovely weather the rest of the year. And you would likely have many visitors from home coming to see you or meeting you at Disney!

hi @Nunu90 I’ve read all your posts. I definitely wouldn’t move in your situation. I certainly would never move to Texas, especially with kids and as a woman. I’m a Kiwi and have lived in the UK and Europe and may do so again in the future so IMO the issue is not the international move - it’s
(1) your vulnerability if things fall apart with your H. You are wholly dependent on him for money and support and you could end up trapped in Texas unable to take your son home. This alone is a reason not to go. I’ve advised Brit friends not to move here to NZ with their Kiwi husbands for that reason.
(2) the risk to your health in terms of women’s health issues
(3) bringing up your kids in Texas. Imagine having the check with another mum whether they have guns in the house before you allow a play date. Wtf
(4) lack of support system. You will be so lonely and your H will be travelling a lot. The fact that he flexes about his higher salary is a massive red flag for me in terms of how supportive he would be. My exH used to do that. Taking your children away from family, friends, “home” is also massive. I lived in the UK before I had kids and I loved it but I am so glad I came home to have my children. I think it can be very hard raising kids as an outsider.

It’s just a no way IMO and I think you’d be better to communicate that to your H now and let him come up with a work around, whether declining the job or proposing a FIFO type solution. The extent to which he recognises your extremely valid concerns and seeks to validate/accommodate them will be a good signal as to how much he values you and your marriage. My ex was work obsessed (ironically we’re in the same profession and I am more senior) and it was one of the many factors that contributed to our split.

This, totally this.

In different books in different libraries and not written in the same language.

You’d find people you don’t get on with. You’d find people with a different world view but good reasons for it too, and you’d find salt of the earth people who would give the shirt off their back to a neighbour, who’d turn up with food for the kids if you were sick, who go to every school event to cheer the kids. Imagine just assuming they are all terrible- now thats narrow minded.

Yup, I'm more than happy to admit I absolutely could not be in the company of people who are overtly religious or who are dim enough to support Trump AND be dim enough to believe he holds Christian values - hilarious! And insufferable.

I wouldn't consider it. It's not in your interests at all. Stay here, closer to your family and friends and bring your children up here. you are not just there to support his life. What's he doing about supporting yours?

I would like to point out that if you actually look at a voting map of Texas the big cities are blue and many suburbs are mixed. Being surrounded by Bible-thumpers is not a given. I think this move is not in the cards for multiple reasons but we don't need to trot out stereotypes.

That would make you part of the problem with the world today then.

Get him to look into the exact details of the package. I dunno, if it were a really stonkin' good deal I'd be tempted to suggest he does a two-year stint alone while I stayed in the UK, provided I had some family support or similar around me. Depending on the job, there might be some opportunities for him to take some reasonably lengthy workations in the UK while working remotely, during the period. The thought of being about to put away $$$ in the bank is tempting, with the dollar being so strong.

I would be very hesitent to go for all the other reasons mentioned, especially the difficulty of returning home with children if the marriage breaks down and DH decides to stay, and especially because you have already moved for his career several times.

I also would not want to get lots of unpleasant questioning about the whole "anchor baby" thing, by moving there while pregnant.

I truly feel like he isn't ever happy with where he is in life. When I explained all this to him, he explained that he now 'hates' his job and that he wanted to quit - since we've been together the job he has now has been his dream, with a 'nice house' and 'family'. He has all that now, and it's still not enough. :(

That settles it, as far as I am concerned: Send him off to Texas alone to live in a company flat and earn those golden US dollars for a while. He'll probably hate it once he's there, and complain non-stop. After a year or two he'll be back, having got his need for Texas living out of his system. Perhaps he needs to learn the hard way that it isn't a good idea to move overseas out of a sense of permanent discontent and grievance, because "wherever you go, you take yourself with you."

we have an office in Houston and ive been a few times. Our staff there generally have a great life style - in terms of size of house/spare cash etc and it is hard to give up - people i know who initially said 2 years are now looking at 10 years plus. My BIL also went as a single person and loved the life style- he did lots of outdoor sports and found sailing etc really accessible.
A lot of companies do offer all healthcare type benefits (you should check that).
You could spend your time with expats which may mitigate the political angle... that said you would find yourself unable to talk about politics and gun control and being party to what most brits think of extreme views - a friend of mine got given a gun as a housewarming present.
Will you be able to work? i know trailing spouses who found it difficult to settle because they were trapped as housewives (although the person who found it hardest found her feet doing a phd and now won't leave!)
I think the thing i found most uncomfortable is that your husband isn't listening to you now- is he likely to renege on any promise to come back?

And you too, since you:re the one who seems determined to have an argument in an empty room. 🙄

I wouldn't even want to visit Texas let alone move there. It might be great for his career, but the cost is too high i think. Maybe he can go alone and visit if it's short term. Id hate to live like that, but it sounds like you would be miserable if you went.

I’d go like a shot! I’ve lived in various countries throughout the world and loved it in the US. It’s less of a risk if you are keeping your house in uk.

I know it’s stressful with young dc but that is stressful anywhere. It’s good timing as you are not in the middle of important schooling.

We get a very skewed idea of the US in the UK through the tv we watch. In reality I found the majority of Americans where we lived to be really open, helpful, kind and community minded. I also loved the space and the scale of the place! I felt free! I love American houses with space on the ground floor. I also made lifelong friends who we still go back and see ten years on.

Just a different perspective!