Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

That's not a risk that I think the OP should be taking. Her husband has "agreed" it's only temporary but I am willing to bet he will change his mind as soon as they are habitually resident in the USA and leaving the OP in a position where she won't be able to go home and take her children. He has form for changing his mind and has broken promises to the OP repeatedly. His fickle "agreement" is not something I would want to bet the OPs future on.

I don’t understand why people are jumping to…

’you’ll hate it, you’ll divorce, your husband won’t let you return with the children, you’ll be trapped there forever, miserable and with no support’.

Is that the only outcome?

What if it turned out to be the best thing they ever did? Is it not worth some consideration? A visit to Texas? Some serious discussions over the actual details?

I think before agreeing to a trip even i would check out any potential care you might need in the US if things didn’t go to plan with your pregnancy whilst you were over there as I’m fairly sure it would all be subject to their laws. I think I’d be thinking very carefully if I would want to potentially put myself in that position.

I think it’s a very challenging time for your husband to be asking you to make huge decisions like this. And as previous posters have said that you need to sit down and have honest conversations about where you both seeing your lives and what you want in the next 5 years. At the moment it does sound like you are on different pages.

Of course. I don’t think OP wants to be stuck there with her children, she might be depending on what her husband decides. No thanks. Not America.

In this case, there is a very real possibility that the OP is being railroaded by an emotionally manipulative husband who abuses her by giving her the silent treatment when he can't have his own way. Not what I would call an equal, stable or happy marriage and not someone that I think the OP should be relying on to keep his word.

Can I confirm that you don’t know the op’s husband?

And surely this is a decision for them as a family and not you?

Imagine having this huge decision to make and hundreds of people on a forum catastrophising on your behalf.

It could be amazing. It could be.

Did she say her DH was getting legal advice to prevent her from travel?

Actually, I disagree. I adore my husband, but sometimes I sulk, feel hard done by and give him a bit of the silent treatment. It doesn’t make me abusive or emotionally manipulative. It simply means I’m emotional about something. I expect the op’s husband sees this as a once in a lifetime opportunity. A chance for a better life. And there’s likely disappointment that his wife doesn’t share his excitement. It’s a massive deal for him.
Op is allowed to be emotional, and we’re not saying she’s manipulating him.

The only ‘fair’ thing to do would be to stay in the Uk, but send him abroad for this opportunity, which I expect op doesn’t want to do. I suspect she’d rather he stay and give up the opportunity. There is going to be one loser and the potential for future resentment.So I wonder if it’s worth embracing, rather than killing off the marriage in the UK anyway.

The KEY thing is that the Company handle the relocation well
for their employee
AND his family

I did. I still see a disappointed, resentful, angry at losing an opportunity husband rather than an abuser.

Sulking and silent treatment are not something I would expect to see in an emotionally healthy and equal relationship. It's interesting that you see those behaviours in your own marriage. I don't agree with your perspective at all but that's fine.

The fact he is resentful is key though.

Because IF the OP is getting resentful because she ended up saying Yes to him, how is he going to handle the situation?
What if she wants to come back in 3 years and HE doesn’t? What do you think him getting resentful he isn’t getting his own way this time is going to look like?

The way he is reacting NOW is how he is going to react in 2, 3, 10 years time when the OP will want something he doesn’t. Like moving back to the U.K.

Different perhaps. I’m forgiving. I try to be understanding. I try to see things from other people’s point of view. I can empathise with disappointment. I have known abuse. I have let my emotions get the better of me and behaved badly for a few days. I’m human. Op’s husband is human.

Have you read the thread? A better life for whom??

You keep saying it could be amazing and the best thing they ever do, but I think if your instant gut feel of a place is “fuck no” it’s unlikely to be the case. There are many many valid reasons that people would have that reaction about Texas in particular, and most people aren’t suddenly just going to be ok with gun culture, for example.

This is about what would happen if the OP moves to the US, and things go wrong. Because his true colours showed even more, she wants to go back to the U.K., whatever other scenario where she wants a divorce.

Like any other expat, she’ll be stuck in that country unless her dh is happy to sign papers saying the kids can move back with her.

It’s not about her travelling. It’s about the ‘what if’

I do not believe that anyone, including you, gets through your marriage by sitting down and talking out problems in friendly tones and followed up with reassuring hugs all of the time.
We all have our moments. I can simply admit that I do. And my husband loves me because I am all those things, the bad with the good. And I love him and forgive him his human days too.

😂