Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

Could you go now as soon as possible. It sounds like 2 week asap would be the best thing to do so you can either decide yes or no. Get it done and dusted.

It will decide things either way.

No way; you’re happy where you are and you’re about to have a newborn. You’ll want all the community you can get, not being uprooted to a foreign country with zero connections whilst your husband is out working all day. It sounds miserable, and I’m concerned that he doesn’t seem to respect your decision or care about the fact you don’t want this. It’s really annoying that they think you can be persuaded with more time. Also be aware if you move then split or want to return, you may not be able to without it being the criminal offence of child abduction. There’s no way I’d want to live in a state that has the abortion and gun laws it does.

I want to add - that while I agree with the overall sentiment that your husband is sounding like kind of a twat, I do think it would be beneficial, after you've really asserted that you don't want to go, to have a real conversation about your stage of life and what you both want.

It sounds like you're not exactly on the same page. Going from one child to two is a big thing. Deciding at a relatively young age to settle in a peaceful village in a home you plan to be in forever is some people's idea of bliss and some people's idea of prison. People and marriages change and evolve. It might be worth having some very honest conversations about hopes and fears and plans and trying to chart a path forward that feels good to both of you. You might have to accept that he has feelings that don't align completely with yours. Some couples counselling probably wouldn't hurt.

Of course, it's possible he just is a twat 😅

What?

To me this doesnt read as an opportunity for fun family experience. It reads like it would be an adventure for him and you would be just an accessory.

It would be if you both wanted to go and your children were school aged, not a newborn and a toddler.

@newnamenoname1 I agree with that too- I do wonder if he's feeling old before his time and hence the restless feet

This isn’t the stage in life for big moves (unless you both wanted it).

Perhaps you can look at this sort of opportunity later down the line when you’ve all recovered from what’s about to hit you: 1 kid to 2 is a big jump!!!

i feel angry on your behalf because he doesn’t seem to be understanding where you’re at and what you need at a very vulnerable time in your life.

Pages and pages of comments and opinions on here…. It basically boils down to this: your husband is a selfish bully and Texas is a shit option for you and your kids, and will ruin your life. Stay where you are @Nunu90.

I'm so sorry you're in this position but you wouldn't be mad to go to Texas while pregnant, while there you're subject to their law, they wouldn't just let you fly home if you have any issues and the state of their healthcare for pregnant women is abysmal. I've said it here before and I'll say it again, never sacrifice your own career and income so a man can maximise his 💐💐

All of this.

Are you saying she wouldn’t or would be mad? Confused.

Perfect.

Hi op,

I spend a lot of time in the US and I love it there. I think this would be quite the opportunity. There are so many amazing things to do, the lifestyle is so different. You definitely get more bang for your buck as they say. And the cost of living is high, but definitely lower than the UK (especially fuel and energy).
There will be things you miss, of course, but Texas is only a 9 hour flight away really and it’s a beautiful place. Off peak (term time) you can find really cheap flights, just a few hundred pound per person return.
I’d give it a go on that temporary basis and see what you think. Worst case scenario you come back, best case, you love it there.

Best of luck!

A good chance you would be pleasantly surprised I expect.

I’ve lived in quite a few countries and until recently would have embraced an opportunity like that with both arms.

What I’ve learnt is that you should NEVER go and live in another country unless you are 100% sure that’s what you want.
Esp you shouldn’t do it if you’ve been guilt tripped into it (which your dh is still trying to do with the trip to see how it is).
Living abroad can be an amazing magical experience. Or it can be hell. A lot of it depends on why you are getting there in the first place.

Plus you have two children to consider. Not in a ‘im forcing them to move from all they know’, not at that age. But in case anything happens. Like a divorce. You’ll end up stuck in a country you aren’t keen on. You’ll have dcs who will see that as their home’.
Not fun
(Been there and done that….)

That’s only if her dh decides to up that side if the bargain and agrees to move back if the OP is unhappy.

If he doesn’t want to move and decides to stay, then what?

Surprised by Bible-thumping Trump supporters? Absolutely not. I would have zero in common with them.

are you crazy or what?

Worst advice ever.

I'm sure some bits of the USA are perfectly lovely but in this case the OP is potentially stuck there if she hates it because her husband would be entitled to stop her taking her children home with her under the provisions of the Hague convention. Ironically, something that was intended to be a safeguard against child abduction by estranged parents has now become a prison for expats who are now trapped because their spouse won't let them take their kids home.

Then she is stuck. Stuck in her new reality.

He has agreed for it to be temporary. He may not end up liking it himself. Or perhaps he’ll want to come home and op will love it there and want to stay.

We never know what’s around the corner. I like a little risk though, as sometimes amazing things can happen.

I think a trip there to scope it out would be fab!

Op is bound to be nervous about the idea. That’s only natural. Even if you couldn’t wait to go, you’d probably still become apprehensive and uncertain. It’s a big change.

But if Op and her husband do decide to give it a shot, it’s nice for her to hear that it could be just as amazing, as other people are telling her how awful it could be.

American people are for the most part incredibly friendly and welcoming in my experience. The country is quite spectacular. And opportunities like this don’t come along for many people. It’s at least worth some thought.

In your opinion of course.

Have you read OP's posts? In her first one she shared that she's in the early stages of pregnancy and has a history of miscarriages (which is why her DH told his colleague they wouldn't be able to do the "recce" visit until Jan/Feb).