Page 30 | Husband got offered a new job in US

Nunu90 · 2024-10-21T08:58:00+00:00

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there. I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment. I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while. He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house). I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to. I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work. Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

nOasistickets · 21/10/2024 19:57

Nunu90 · 21/10/2024 14:44

@AllyCart Neither of us have ever been there before!

A lot of his colleagues and those who live in this gated area in Kingwood are Spanish ex-pats, so he tells me.

@StarStay he said the other week he would move if it was the other way around, but I find that difficult to believe, too.

I am angry about the fact that I had this unreasonable two week window, and was told I should give a hypothetical answer before receiving the information. I don't know if that's my husband not wanting to ask, or a cultural thing at work. I suspect the former. Then when I said no, the man who offered him the job basically said we could have more time...so it wasn't the answer he wanted, take more time to convince your wife is how I feel about that.

@ThereTheyGo Absolutely agree. If it doesn't work out with this pregnancy (a much longed for DC2) then there's absolutely no way I'd consider getting pregnant in the states. For clarity, I'd remain in the UK and then potentially move out there post-birth. I've already said how crazy this is and a potential catalyst for post-natal depression.

Also, depending on how long it takes to be able to get a car (I think someone mentioned an SS card?), I'd be stuck with my DS, potentially a baby, inside a gated community until I got my licence.

The more I hear about this, the worse it sounds.

I did tell him I'd be more open to considering a New England state. He looked into it and agreed with me, that maybe he got too excited about moving to Texas. However, since his colleague has said Texas is where he will need to be as that is where Head Office is based, it's back to 'Texas will be great, you're worrying about things that we can solve'. It's exhausting.

At the moment, he is involved in some business in the states which will require him to have much more frequent trips there anyway, regardless of whether he takes the job or not. So from January, he'll be 2 weeks there, 2 weeks here. He says that isn't sustainable long term, but I feel he's leaving little option.

I am also angry he's pursued all this knowing I have no interest in the US whatsoever.

2 weeks on 2 weeks off is not very sustainable - trust me - I did that, and i did it in a european country (about 2 hours flight) i had to leave the job.

mindutopia · 21/10/2024 19:57

What do you know about the cost of living in the US? I’m American and like f would I move back there. Depending where you are, housing is very expensive, private school is expensive (the quality of state schools is not the same, nor are the standards) and don’t get me started on healthcare. I’m early 40s and just be diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. If I still lived in the US, we’d be pretty financially screwed. Never mind the election and guns. 😳

gladflyingducks · 21/10/2024 19:58

Nunu90 · 21/10/2024 10:35

@StormingNorman thank you for your reply. Our dog is almost 11 and a big dog. I'd be so worried about him coping with the flight, or the affects any medication to help him to cope.

You can’t just leave your old dog. Don’t go. You don’t want to, and your feelings (and instincts) are important.

Crocadoodledoo · 21/10/2024 20:02

Nunu90 · 21/10/2024 19:46

@Crocadoodledoo unfortunately if we do split I won’t be able to afford to stay in our house on my own; so I’ll have to move regardless. But at least I’ll still have a support network if it happens.

I’m very sorry you are in this situation. I know I’d personally rather be in a smaller house, surrounded by people who genuinely care about me and want me to be happy, than stuck abroad with a selfish husband and no easy way back.

But there are no perfect or easy outcomes here, sadly.

Newposter180 · 21/10/2024 20:02

Nunu90 · 21/10/2024 19:53

@newnamenoname1 , they have now offered a trip so that we can see the area and speak to colleague’s families to scope out how they find it. I sound so cynical but of course they’re going to say it’s good if they want him to take the job? Also - and maybe I was being unreasonable here - DH said to his colleague that the trip would need to be in Jan or Feb due to my pregnancy. However, because I’ve got a history of miscarriages, (I know that flying doesn’t pose a risk unless close to the due date), but I really really
dont want to risk flying anywhere due to my mental state … especially
not there while pregnant.

I would honestly not even contemplate the trip unless you’re ultimately willing to say yes. He could use it against you to say that he now feels awkward or obliged to accept since they’ve funded that.

knitnerd90 · 21/10/2024 20:03

Oh boy I haven't read all 30 pages. MN tends to be quite anti American but I would not and I live there. Not just because Texas, although I don't know if you could pay me enough to live in Houston, the weather is vile.

The reason I would not go is that doing the expat thing for a spouse's career is all benefit for them and none for you since your career would be derailed. I've watched this situation play out in multiple countries, multiple times, and unless the spouse is on board with a solid plan, they shouldn't do it. Financially it all depends on the complete package, but fewer companies are doing the special expat packages with all the extras unless they are top staff.

Temporaryname158 · 21/10/2024 20:07

He’s pushy, ignoring your needs in favour of his shiny career, belittling your choices and claims you are trapping him here! This sounds like an incredibly bad idea!

you aren’t trapping him, he’s free to go. The question is will you join him? If I was you I wouldn’t for the following reasons

-he’s working 2 weeks away now, that will continue in the US as he will have to visit other states, so you’ll be left alone anyway so why not be at home

he’s not listening to you and is dismissing you out of hand. Why would this change in future
he’s gone back on the agreement the last move was your final move
he’s gaslighting and bullying you
he won’t find out the package unless you say yes which not only is suspect but very manipulative. As obviously if you got the info and said no he’d go down the “buy we said yes already” route

but the biggest red flag here is you would not be able to leave without your children. I know someone this has happened to and it ruins lives. With how he’s treating you now it is not worth the risk of losing your children

knitnerd90 · 21/10/2024 20:07

mindutopia · 21/10/2024 19:57

What do you know about the cost of living in the US? I’m American and like f would I move back there. Depending where you are, housing is very expensive, private school is expensive (the quality of state schools is not the same, nor are the standards) and don’t get me started on healthcare. I’m early 40s and just be diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. If I still lived in the US, we’d be pretty financially screwed. Never mind the election and guns. 😳

Honestly, MN loves to bang on about how terrible the schools are in the US, but then I read about 30 kids in KS1 being considered good and classes having nearly 40 later on, and I think of my kids' K-2 classes here that were capped at 22 with teacher + EA. It is different; there is less pressure in primary. But I don't think the "lower standards" argument really tracks. When you examine things like PISA results, they're hugely influenced by race and poverty, which is true in the UK too.

Ifipickedastateitwouldbemaine · 21/10/2024 20:08

Hi OP, I don’t have any brilliant advice but just wanted to give you a hug.

I relate in many ways as 2.5 years ago my husband and I decided to move from the uk with our 3 children and a 10y old dog. I was quite hesitant as I absolutely loved where we lived (London) and our eldest was about to start school with all of his friends. It was a bitter sweet moment when I got a notification our son got into our absolute dream school (must have been lucky with catchment that year).

But reasons we did it I had to be realistic about finances and my DH increase in salary and better work/life balance for me. We moved and got a lovely big house that we almost own outright and I almost immediately got a job that I really love. Always finished by 4pm and due to small distances I can pick kids up within minutes. Husband also happy working remotely, and yes the dog is absolutely fine. I do however miss my friends and the lifestyle in London terribly. In some ways the move has been amazing but also plenty of downsides.

I think the main think here is that your genuine gut reaction is no. If you are normally open to change and this just doesn’t feel tight then maybe it isn’t? And if you are secure financially and living where you want, why change? I think your husband would be very selfish to push for this given you have already moved for him with the promise of a forever home. Again, I sympathise it’s a hard decision.

knitnerd90 · 21/10/2024 20:09

No one should ever take an expat role without full package details. That's true everywhere, to be honest. the USA tends to get the most scrutiny because of healthcare (though healthcare provision is an issue in some other countries, especially as expats may not be covered by national healthcare schemes) but I would genuinely give this as a universal. There's too many cost variables. This is Chinese Communist Party parade red flag territory.

Newposter180 · 21/10/2024 20:11

Fiestytiger · 21/10/2024 19:55

I think going while pregnant would affect your child’s citizenship so I would want to consider that. Also you seem concerned he will make you stay. I wouldn’t go if he is pushy in general as it’s your life too. Personally I would think it would be a great experience but not if I had small children and needed to consider schools etc. Could you go for a year and see?

Genuine Q: which part of it do you think sounds like a great experience?

To me it sounds like OP has a lovely life here and everything about Houston sounds like hell!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/10/2024 20:12

The fact you have to live in a gated community tells you enough about the general levels of crime, safety and social inequalities

Not really

It's true there are some gated communities in areas where they really do need to be gated, but most involve newer developments - often prestigious ones - and are about creating an air of exclusivity and a better aesthetic

In other words it can be more about perception than actual risk, though ironically the "we can all leave our doors open here" thing can actually create more risk than might otherwise have been the case

Original poster

Nunu90 · 21/10/2024 20:15

@Newposter180 , funny you say that - because before this whole two week window he mentioned possibly visiting but only if we were committed to going …

OP posts:

VaccineSticker · 21/10/2024 20:16

Together you bring around 160k before tax to your household.

You are not in the category of ‘working to live anymore’ you’ve been there, done that.
Regardless which country he wants to move to- You are both established ( and don’t him ever let him belittle your 40k salary!!!!) what more in life does he want? More wealth for the sake of it? ( which won’t happen with that pay as I have very close relatives on higher pay than what he’s been promised and they are left with hardly much once they have paid taxes , house rent , nursery, car rental food etc… the grass is not greener.

Jennyathemall · 21/10/2024 20:18

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/10/2024 20:12

The fact you have to live in a gated community tells you enough about the general levels of crime, safety and social inequalities

Not really

It's true there are some gated communities in areas where they really do need to be gated, but most involve newer developments - often prestigious ones - and are about creating an air of exclusivity and a better aesthetic

In other words it can be more about perception than actual risk, though ironically the "we can all leave our doors open here" thing can actually create more risk than might otherwise have been the case

Correct. The amount of misinformation on here from people with no direct experience is mind boggling. Well no not really, it’s MN after all.
For the record you don’t have to live in a gated community and the vast majority of people including ex pats don’t.

knitnerd90 · 21/10/2024 20:19

Yes you absolutely dont' have to live in a gated community. It's about privacy and aesthetics. HOAs, by the way, vary depending on where in the country. In some areas, and Texas is one IIRC, there's regulations that either require or strongly encourage HOAs in new developments. In the Northeast, by comparison, HOAs are primarily in condo associations or apartments, which require an association to take care of communal property.

SabrinaThwaite · 21/10/2024 20:20

Talkinpeace · 21/10/2024 19:44

FFS
Its not about the Visa category.
Its about the support that she and her family will get as expats in Texas.

If its good then all will be well.
If its not then she should stay in the UK

The companies sponsoring the relocation should have the visas and realtors and healthcare and international schools and nurseries all lined up

Yep, get that.

But OP doesn’t know the package or support in place or the visa type or, quite frankly, anything because her DH isn’t being straight.

He’s said it’s a permanent job but they’d initially only be going for 3 years. Type of visa would at least give an idea of his real plans and whether she could work.

knitnerd90 · 21/10/2024 20:21

Also, to answer the citizenship question: If your child is born here he/she would be a dual citizen as the US has jus soli citizenship. It wouldn't impact their British citizenship at all as the UK does not forbid it, but if they didn't want to keep their American citizenship at 18, they would have to deal with renunciation.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/10/2024 20:22

The amount of misinformation on here from people with no direct experience is mind boggling. Well no not really, it’s MN after all

True enough, @Jennyathemall, and besides this is hardly the best place to be asking since MN is notoriously anti-American - especially among those whose only exposure has been in Orlando with their plastic pals

OP doesn’t know the package or support in place or the visa type or, quite frankly, anything because her DH isn’t being straight

Edited to add true again, @SabrinaThwaite, and as said only an idiot would consider moving without thrashing out this information
That's hardly the fault of the US though, and as mentioned before I doubt the DH's employers would think much of him if he didn't ask for all the details

Mookytoo · 21/10/2024 20:25

Nunu90 · 21/10/2024 19:53

@newnamenoname1 , they have now offered a trip so that we can see the area and speak to colleague’s families to scope out how they find it. I sound so cynical but of course they’re going to say it’s good if they want him to take the job? Also - and maybe I was being unreasonable here - DH said to his colleague that the trip would need to be in Jan or Feb due to my pregnancy. However, because I’ve got a history of miscarriages, (I know that flying doesn’t pose a risk unless close to the due date), but I really really
dont want to risk flying anywhere due to my mental state … especially
not there while pregnant.

It’s a big deal & expense for company to move a family. They will of course try to sell Texas to you, but if you don’t want to go it will be husband’s choice.
if you are happy to stay behind. That’s your choice.

katepilar · 21/10/2024 20:27

Definitely YANBU. Gated area, no! I dont know much about Texas but form top of my head, no. Especially with young children including a newborn. And that before imagining all the stress of moving.

SophiaCohle · 21/10/2024 20:30

Nunu90 · 21/10/2024 19:53

@newnamenoname1 , they have now offered a trip so that we can see the area and speak to colleague’s families to scope out how they find it. I sound so cynical but of course they’re going to say it’s good if they want him to take the job? Also - and maybe I was being unreasonable here - DH said to his colleague that the trip would need to be in Jan or Feb due to my pregnancy. However, because I’ve got a history of miscarriages, (I know that flying doesn’t pose a risk unless close to the due date), but I really really
dont want to risk flying anywhere due to my mental state … especially
not there while pregnant.

Leaving aside the safety of air travel in pregnancy, which opinions will vary over, this feels like the thin end of the wedge to me. Based on your very valid objections to the whole plan, just how fabulous would your trip to Houston have to be for you to decide you'd like to relocate after all? And based on the opinions of those who know Houston, how likely is that? It just feels like he's trying to manipulate you into a decision you're not happy with by getting you to agree to things by increments.

goody2shooz · 21/10/2024 20:31

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/10/2024 20:22

The amount of misinformation on here from people with no direct experience is mind boggling. Well no not really, it’s MN after all

True enough, @Jennyathemall, and besides this is hardly the best place to be asking since MN is notoriously anti-American - especially among those whose only exposure has been in Orlando with their plastic pals

OP doesn’t know the package or support in place or the visa type or, quite frankly, anything because her DH isn’t being straight

Edited to add true again, @SabrinaThwaite, and as said only an idiot would consider moving without thrashing out this information
That's hardly the fault of the US though, and as mentioned before I doubt the DH's employers would think much of him if he didn't ask for all the details

Edited

@Nunu90 the real issue is not ‘just’ the proposed move to Texas, it’s all the rest! The h not speaking to the op, not being honest with all the facts around the reloc package, the negating of her views, him reneging on the ‘this is our forever home’, the comment that he is ‘trapped’. Add to this, the op is going through a risky pregnant pregnancy, loves her life here, and she doesn’t want to move to Houston all because HE does. Why move halfway round the world with a selfish, shady, money hungry man like that? He’s chasing the money and his career, not thinking about his wife at all, that’s the real issue.

RedWinePoliticsAndHair · 21/10/2024 20:31

Fuck no. Texas is too hot, gun-riddled and will let you die of septic shock from a miscarriage rather than give you a D&C. You couldn't pay me to move there.

newnamenoname1 · 21/10/2024 20:31

Nunu90 · 21/10/2024 19:53

@newnamenoname1 , they have now offered a trip so that we can see the area and speak to colleague’s families to scope out how they find it. I sound so cynical but of course they’re going to say it’s good if they want him to take the job? Also - and maybe I was being unreasonable here - DH said to his colleague that the trip would need to be in Jan or Feb due to my pregnancy. However, because I’ve got a history of miscarriages, (I know that flying doesn’t pose a risk unless close to the due date), but I really really
dont want to risk flying anywhere due to my mental state … especially
not there while pregnant.

What I'm about to say I mean in a supportive, not dismissive way. If your mental state is too fragile to want to take a trip over to scope things out, I really don't think you should even contemplate this move.

I've done it twice and it's been fabulous for our family - we've had great experiences in great places and now have a network of friends and colleagues all around the world. But both moves were to cities that we were excited about living in, our kids were a bit older, I knew I could return to work when I wanted to, and our relationship was solid. Even with that, it's tough for at least the first year. Everyone's unsettled, there's loads to adjust to. It has to be either such an amazing financial deal you can't say no or an adventure you want to have together. I would also not be excited about a gated suburban community in the American south.

Maybe it can be on the cards at some point in the future, but at the very least, it's clearly not the right moment. If your husband doesn't get that, he's not worth hanging onto.