Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

I know about the problems in Texas. OP is not going to experience or die from the situations you've linked. Please stop scare-mongering.

Stay at home with the dog.

Sorry you're going through this. Reading about your life now, you are being entirely reasonable in your reluctance. Building up a network of friends can take years & years, and you might not find it easy to settle.

In US, property taxes are paid by owner. Renter does not pay them. Renter pays rent. Some areas property taxes are very high.

State/local taxes are paid from salary at payroll or adjusted at tax return.

If OP doesn’t know details of “package” then we can’t know if the Texas move is a money losing (unlikely) or money/career making opportunity.

Agree OP needs to starting looking at expat in Texas chats. Some follow spouse after 6-12 months, and a few visits.
Employers know it’s a family move and generally avoid toxic relationship moves.

Have you worked in USA ?

There is something not right about this whole scenario the DH has presented.

Dear @Nunu90
A friend of mine relocated to Texas with her husbands work for three years.

Questions she asked beforehand

• can I have lunch with a couple of other wives who have done it ?
• does the company have a ready made relocation package ?
• how many families come back early ?

If the company are geared up to support you (like Exxon or BP are)
then its a whole different ball game
as there is a ready made social life of UK expat wives.

My friend ended up training as a pilates teacher out there and carried on when they moved back to the UK

If you do not like the answers the company give TO YOU, then do not go

Those are the immigrant category E visas.

OP has said that her DH has said it would be a 3 year relocation, so would most likely be on a non immigrant visa.

E category for non immigrants is for entrepreneurs and investors.

How do you know that? If she has a complication with the pregnancy she cannot get an abortion. If she has a future pregnancy/ miscarriage/ ectopic she cannot get an abortion. If she ends up staying there long term and has a daughter, she will be raising them in a place they cannot get abortion care if they needed it as a teen or young adult.

The fact he gave you 3 days of silent treatment after the first "no" would put the nail in the coffin of me ever considering it in the future.

In fact it would frighten me to fucking death of what he might turn into if I went out and wanted to come home when I was completely vulnerable, no support network, could block me taking my children, could cut me off financially as I would be 100% dependant on him...

That isn't even taken into account that you've already moved several times to facilitate his career and he PROMISED you this was the final move, forever home and dream job. Sorry but what about your career. You deserve to be more than the facilitator of his career. YOU have a life, friends, a career. £40k is super respectable just because it isn't his dick swinging 6 figure job doesn't mean shit, you worked bloody hard to get where you are and you did it all putting others first.

You deserve to have the life you want too, you are just as important as him. I truly believe moving to be a gated community house wife in Texas with 2 little ones will drain the fucking spirit out of you, talk about a gilded cage. Xx Fuck his promotion and fuck the money. There's more to life.

Texas is very big, where in Texas are you planning to move? If it's Austin, go for it! If it's some hick town in the middle of nowhere, maybe not?

It doesn't affect people with money, sadly, only the poor. She would just go to a different state and have an abortion. Plus, an American doctor just quoted upthread that you can indeed, get treatment for a miscarriage and a botched abortion in Texas, and that the state initially read the new rules wrong.

OP cannot base her decision on the slim chance that she might have an unplanned pregnancy and wish to end it. She could also have a heart attack or get run over.

Ah, just seen that OP has said that this could be a permanent position, in which case it could be an immigrant rather than non immigrant visa category.

FFS
Its not about the Visa category.
Its about the support that she and her family will get as expats in Texas.

If its good then all will be well.
If its not then she should stay in the UK

The companies sponsoring the relocation should have the visas and realtors and healthcare and international schools and nurseries all lined up

How do you know that she's asking people that have never set foot (rather than 'stepped', which is an Americanism) in the USA? Obviously some have, and they've said so. Me, I'm married to an American. So I have.

However, it doesn't matter whether the people who reply know anything at all about living in Houston. She'd not asking 'what's America like?'. She's asking 'should I do what my husband wants when the very thought of it fills me with dread?'

It could be Mars. The question's not about the place. It's about her reluctance to be coerced.

@Crocadoodledoo unfortunately if we do split I won’t be able to afford to stay in our house on my own; so I’ll have to move regardless. But at least I’ll still have a support network if it happens.

You’re pulling from opposite ends of the spectrum. He sees it as an adventure, a chance to ‘hit the jackpot’ work wise and career wise. It’s what a lot of men dream of. Move to America. Make it big. Get rich. Live the dream life.

But for you it’s got none of this. It’s more like a survival experience. Coping with very hot weather, (he’ll be in an air conditioned office), building a new community from scratch (His is ready made from work), trying to find new work for yourself (he doesn’t have to try on this front either), send the kid to a school with gun drills (he seems happy to take a chance), cope with the mental load which you’ve already got systems in place in the uk (he doesn’t deal with any of that life admin by the sounds of things). For him it’s win win. For you…. it’s all brand new with lots of potential downsides. Not many upsides? I’m trying to find them. Yes you will make friends I’m sure. You will adjust. But the legal implications alone are enough to go to a solicitor over where that unborn child will be raised if you do go to USA.

What a challenge. My DB was offered a job in USA similar thing. They didn’t go as my SIL didn’t want it. He was disappointed. He earns pretty well. But nothing like what he could have achieved in USA. They divorced some years later. Not over this. But yes it’s a tough choice.

Choices, choices. Good luck OP.

However unlikely it is that OP might find herself needing these services herself, I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to refuse to remove to a country where these issues are a reality in principle.

@Talkinpeace HER type of visa is a consideration though, as she may not be able to work. As I said upthread, one of my friends wasn’t able to work for a long time when she came over with her husband due to a job offer. She found it very frustrating.

Actually in the end it was over money. He didn’t earn enough to keep her happy. If they’d gone to USA it would have been a different story. Maybe they’d still be together?

@Nunu90 personally I would be letting him go on his own- provided he paid the mortgage-and you used your income for everything else. Let him have visits every few months and go and have a trip yourself when he's settled in- if it's such an amazing package and includes housing then he will be easily able to carry on paying your mortgage. If it's going to last, then it will- if it doesn't at least he's in a high paid job for maintenance needs- I'm a cynic I'm afraid and would be thinking what's best for you

@newnamenoname1 , they have now offered a trip so that we can see the area and speak to colleague’s families to scope out how they find it. I sound so cynical but of course they’re going to say it’s good if they want him to take the job? Also - and maybe I was being unreasonable here - DH said to his colleague that the trip would need to be in Jan or Feb due to my pregnancy. However, because I’ve got a history of miscarriages, (I know that flying doesn’t pose a risk unless close to the due date), but I really really
dont want to risk flying anywhere due to my mental state … especially
not there while pregnant.

Tbh OP as you are pregnant, I doubt you'd get insurance to cover that now (from what I remember there's a "waiting period) - would his company pay all your medical bills if you went now? Probably not

I think going while pregnant would affect your child’s citizenship so I would want to consider that. Also you seem concerned he will make you stay. I wouldn’t go if he is pushy in general as it’s your life too. Personally I would think it would be a great experience but not if I had small children and needed to consider schools etc. Could you go for a year and see?

Normally on these types of threads I think it’s worth going but in your case I really can’t see any positives to moving. It sounds like you have an absolutely lovely life just as you are so I’d be counting my blessings and digging my heels in.