Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

Yeah, I wasn't trying to have a debate on the financial or moral implications of using rent to cover taxes.

I was just pointing out that whatever a landlord might fold in will be included in the rent, not a separate tax on top. I didn't see that you had referenced council tax - I just included it since most UK renters are accustomed to paying that on top of rent.

I have a close friend who relocated with her DH work, so I have some insight into what can catch you out after it has happened that you should make sure your husband has taken into account. They moved to a country where on paper the cost of living is much cheaper compared to here, and were renting out their apartment in the UK so again, on paper, the mortgage is paid and hopefully a bit of profit too. In reality, they live in a gated expat community with expensive rent (no allowance for this in wages), health insurance has been an issue as they didn't get sufficient coverage for the whole family as part of their package so ended up having to sort their own policies for her and the children (luckily, it's very good and not too expensive). She's ended up giving up her very good and secure job in the UK having attempted remote working (the time difference was a killer with small children), and their tenants have ended up costing them money rather than paying the mortgage. Your husband needs to calculate ALL the costings if he wants to convince you to move - comprehensive healthcare, housing, schools, cars, visa costs, flights home to visit family, annual leave... US cost of living is better than UK I think, but there's also the impending election to consider and who wins it could have implications either way, especially in a Red state like Texas.

I do think you will be able to negotiate a higher amount of leave - and actually, that is one area with senior people at least where it can be a bit of a myth people 'don't get holiday.' My dad wasn't especially senior and he got 4 to 5 weeks. I have friends on this amount. Yes- there can be pressure not to take it but that exists in the UK too. You could negotiate a higher figure.

US = 'no holiday' can be a myth/exaggeration
US = 'low taxes' also myth/exaggeration once you add it all up and Brits could be taken by surprise at what people find it is normal to pay for in the US.

The key thing here, the major thing, is the DH won't share the terms of the relocation AND he reckons he can save hard/pay off a significant amount of the UK mortgage. Paying off the mortgage should not be a goal of this trip, I doubt this will be possible once all the costs are considered.

Absolutely no way could you pay me enough to give up your nice life here and live in Texas. Yanbu

What part of giving up her independence, job, friends and family is good for the OP?

Oh I see what you mean.

Sorry OP but this sounds like the end of the line for your marriage.

He’ll resent you for not going with him. You’ll resent him if you are forced to go. It’s a stalemate.

Plus he’s selfish, a bully and a gaslighter. So hardly worth hanging on to.

Let him go and stay in your lovely village. Get the ball rolling on a divorce and set each other free to follow your respective paths in life.

@newnamenoname1 I do think the owner will pass on the service charge as is, tho, in the gated community.

Texas women's healthcare atm is terrifying, and there have already been proposals to force women to take pregnancy tests before crossing state lines.

What the fucking fuck?

Yes, that's perfectly possible. When we relocated, all of that was part of our package for the first 3 years (should we decide to stay that long). But I recognise that we had a very nice deal.

That said, while I think a lot of the anti-American hype is over the top, verging on hysteria, I'm not a huge Texas (or Trump) fan myself, and I wouldn't want to make such a big move/take such a big risk in a marriage that seems so unequal even before the move.

I also agree with the PPs - it's very unusual to not be offered a family trip to scope out schools, neighbourhoods, colleagues, office culture, etc., and then an opportunity to negotiate the package. We took almost a year from the beginning of the process until the actual move.

What does he mean about “life experiences”?

Your oldest child is very young, so will have lots of opportunities for perfectly valid life experiences in the UK and Europe. The US isn’t going anywhere so at some point in the future you can travel and visit places in the US when the children are older and better able to appreciate them. Your child isn’t going to benefit from immersion in another language as they would if the move was say to France or Spain and since he hasn’t researched the education system (or if private education will be included) you can’t say whether the experience of a US education would be appropriate for your child.

And your life experiences are going to be fairly limited as you will be caring for two small children in a “gated community” so your easily available opportunities for work or wider social and cultural experiences will be limited.

This is one truly appalling piece of news I found, just one horrifying thing that awaits women in Texas if the state is successful
https://www.cbsnews.com/texas/news/texas-lawsuit-federal-rule-protects-medical-records-abortions/

This is even worse

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/us/news/2023/10/25/texas-county-bans-taking-women-across-border-for-abortions/

Yep. A lot hinges on who wins the election.

www.vox.com/23868962/texas-abortion-travel-ban-unconstitutional

British person living in the US here (California). I also grew up in a UK city with a lot of people on 3 year work rotations with oil companies, a lot came from Texas. They spoke very positively of it.

Pros:
No state tax in Texas, only federal.
Big houses, likely walk in closets, swimming pool etc.
Big ex-pat community which if you lean into it could be really helpful.
New experiences/something fun for your children.

Your newborn would get a US passport/rights to one if born there.
Maternity care/birth experience will be 10/10 compared to the NHS.
You will likely earn substantially more, and if you are careful with money, can save. He would have to know his comp package, total tax, contributions needed to continue his UK pension/NIC benefits (you are responsible to make these while working abroad), healthcare (though usually this is well covered by larger companies), flights home to visit, car cost, groceries (insanely expensive here). Childcare for infants is extortionate, we paid $3k a month for our little guy. We are still paying upwards of $2k and he is over 2.
He won't save as much as he thinks, but if he really negotiates a package he could pay a fair chunk down.

Cons:
You seem to be overlooked with regards to your career/contributions to your family. That could really build resentment. Your career is important, especially with young children. So many women give up on that to support their family, and down the line regret it. Really think about what you want.

You will be home alone with two very young children and no family which will be incredibly isolating and difficult.
Your husband's holiday will likely be fairly limited. 20 days + 13 public + 3 personal is pretty "good" here. It makes getting a good block of time off to go home hard, you may have to go alone. Flying with toddlers alone is tricky, and some airlines demand 1 parent to 1 young child when they are of a certain age.
Guns, Texas scares me in this regard.
Pregnancy rights in Texas - personally I wouldn't live there based on this alone.
Houston is incredibly humid in summer, your AC bills will be through the roof. They also sometimes have golve sized hail balls that destroy cars. It isn't frequent but it happens there.

It is a tricky decision. If you feel like he would engage on it I would suggest couples counseling to help guide your decision/have a good forum to discuss this without it blowing up.

I'm afraid for our sisters in the US..this sort of thing is utterly chilling

This!

I wouldn’t go.

mainly because if you hate it there and he wants to stay and you want to leave, your probably never be able to leave and if you can it’s without your kids.

That alone makes it not worth it.

Would you be able to do that though OP? Would you be able to get a visa to work? My friend went to the US with her husband for his job, very similar situation, 2 small children (but younger, one was born there) and she couldn’t work the whole time they were there, she was a SAHM the whole time. They initially went for 3 years too. They decided they didn’t want to live there permanently and actually came back a bit early. She enjoyed the experience but in no way wanted to make it permanent.

Another one who hasn't read the thread....

No OP, I wouldn’t. Not with the way things are going there now. Does your DH know about the laws regarding abortion? What if you have a problem with your
pregnancy god forbid? What if you have a future pregnancy and need a health related abortion (ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage etc?). What if you stay there longer term and have a daughter there, imagine what life would be like with lack of abortion rights as a teen.

I was born in the States. I would look into what part of Texas it is, what the public schools are like. Join a Moms group on Facebook there say you might be relocating and ask some questions.

The cost of living in the US has gone up dramatically in the past few years. Partly that's about wealthy remote workers relocating from California to other states, they've been able to make cash offers for houses far exceeding what locals were able to do. So while Texas used to be affordable I'm not sure what the situation is now. I have an older lady friend who bought her house in Denver for about $60k in the 90s, it's appraised at 1.25 mill now. The price increases since 2020 have been wild.

The area where I grew up (Narragansett, RI) is no longer fisherman & working people. It's so close to the beach much of it has been bought up as second homes to the point where school enrollment has dropped drastically. No one young really lives there anymore, at least not year round. There were always summer people but now it seems like it's all summer people.

I'm not sure your husband has a realistic picture of what life in the US will be like. And you need to be honest about your career being important to you too, and not let that fester. The cultural differences between the US & UK - and particularly the UK & Texas - can be really huge. If you're in Austin it's super expensive. If you're in a smaller city or town it's potentially very Bible Belt, social life revolves around things like HS football & church. So like, know what you're getting into before taking the leap.

OP, whether Texas is a good place to live or how high the new salary might be seems irrelevant in the face of the evidence that your DH is a selfish twat who believes your needs and wishes can be ignored because he earns more money than you.

Does he have any redeeming features? This snapshot of a disrespectful, discontented man who thinks he's more important than you isn't showing him in a good light.

We’ve done it multiple times internationally with our large dog as well as our cat. Last time ddog was 10 yo and that was flying Houston to UK. Was absolutely fine. Biggest issue is the expense. It isn’t cheap and often not covered by your company.

I recently followed my DH overseas with our DC. We spent HOURS discussing and debating it. Talking about how it would impact every aspect of our lives and how we envisioned it working (or not).

The very fact your DH is just dismissive of your concerns does not bode well imo.

That’s ridiculous OP, your DH is being selfish there. So god forbid you had a serious problem with a pregnancy, would he expect you to get on an 8 hour flight there and back, in pain, bleeding potentially. How would you get that much time off work even?