Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

"One other thing. A friends daughter has just gone through the somewhat expensive process of surrendering her US citizenship so she doesn't have to file taxes in the USA. Hasn't lived there since she was 2. Everyone was "Yay, a green card" when she was born but it's a bit of a faff if you don't live there as an adult. "

This has absolutely nothing to do with the OPs post - they wouldn't be eligible for citizenship for 5 years after they had their green card - which is a process - plus the OP most likely won't be there that long anyway. As for your friend's daughter - she ONLY has to pay taxes if her UK salary is equivalent to $99,999/annum. So if she's not, that's a silly thing to do.
You really need to stop interjecting with incorrect information.

I wouldn't go - for all the reasons people have mentioned, definitely including Trump. I suppose you could wait and see what is the result of the election but I still wouldn't go!
(I know of someone who went to America for a great job - the marriage did not survive).

because its not mainly about USA its mainly about the husband's behaviour!

Hi OP,

I did this as a child - my family moved abroad. All your concerns are fully justified. It knackered my Mum's MH permenantly and messed up their marriage. I was 40 before I managed to get into therapy to sort out the mess in my own MH.

My parents have a lot of money because of it, and live very comfortably, but the human cost was very high.

Personally I wouldn't send a child to an American school, purely because of the "live shooter drills". I just would not do that.

I think your DH is just starry-eyed at the prospect of such a promotion and all the money. Unfortunately I think that would continue in the US and you would be left to survive with the kids, alone on the outside. It really sounds like a very bad idea.

I moved to America when I was 20. I’d do it again.

I absolutely wouldn't go. Not many people love their lives op...you shouldn't throw that away. With all the support you currently have, you may not realise how much isolation destroys your mental health.

I wouldn't do that to your dog either. How will you take him for walks in that heat? He won't cope at his age.

I just can't think of anything positive about moving out of a lovely village to the hell of Texas.

Amen!

OP, you'd be very foolish to follow this man anywhere.

I think your husband has been really unfair, inconsiderate and selfish to put this on you.

Im sorry to say your marriage doesn't sound very happy or secure and there's not a chance in hell I'd be going.

Don't let him bully you.

I suggest you try and find out the truth as surely work can not expect you to make such a huge decision without all the information so either he knows already or..

This isn't a nice or decent man.

He's behaving as if he wants to forget he's a husband and father

Not that I think the OP should agree to go (I don't), but in case it's of any use to anyone, there are airlines that specialise in transporting dogs between the US and UK where they can fly in the cabin with you - we had that as part of our relocation package.

It's completely different when you go alone with no kids.

Once you have children, everything changes. The trailing spouse can become unimaginably vulnerable to the breadwinner.

My OH works abroad often. My rules are no more than four weeks away and I'm not moving overseas. He is welcome to come and go, that's up to him to sort out. I'm a lot older than you though and had no problem in telling him what I thought and I would have survived perfectly well if he had said well I'm off anyway. It works well for us but and this is huge, we don't have tiny children. I really feel for you. As you and others have said you need much more information and it may be useful if you come at it from a financial perspective as well as an emotional perspective.

I can't quite understand how he expects you to even start seriously considering this when he is refusing to ask his company for the details. Why on earth would he think asking for information, to be able to make an informed decision would lead his company to believe it's a provisional "yes"? So much of what you're saying your husband says makes me think he's a bully and an idiot.

On the basis that you don't even have the information, that you don't want to go, that you're pregnant and will have a newborn and a toddler, that you'll lose your own career, that you're currently in your forever home, and that you could lose your children if you go out there and then split up, I would say no.

But, I'd tell him he's welcome to go and come home for 4 days every 8 weeks.

My husband looked at applying for 1-3 yr contracts out in the middle east when I had a toddler and a newborn, he knew I would never in a million years live there, we agreed, if he got offered a role, he would go and then come back every 2-3 months for a long weekend. This wasn't a problem for us as our whole relationship and marriage had seen him working away Mon-Fri anyway, so I was used to being without him a lot and I like my own space so was fine with it.

Your husband is being a complete dick over this whole thing, and his attitude alone about it would make me say no.

I can honestly see him refusing to go back to the UK after a few years, then you're screwed.

If you do decide to go, I'd get a water-tight legal document drawn up with him consenting to letting you bring the children back to the UK to live, should your marriage not work out or should you decide yourself to go back to the UK with the children and have a long-distance marriage instead.

He basically thinks he can click his fingers and uproot you every time he says so. You're earning a good salary yourself and he's being a selfish bastard in terms of your career. He gets offended at things you're saying? Well his attitude and selfish ways offend me. The prick. I wouldn't go in your shoes.

Horrible situation to be in OP, my heart goes out to you🌹

Yes to this.

Your H is playing fast and loose with the facts here, and trying to bully you.

I'd be consulting a solicitor if I were you. He's showing you his true colors here.

So he has no idea whether he ll be able to manage cost of living in Houston nevermind able to save a chunk of your mortgage on top of it because he has no idea what his actual package nor has he costed out things like commuting, a grocery shop, utilities, health care (because he doesn't know what his insurance package is), whether return flights home and moving costs are covered. He hasn't even considered the weather has he, that would be a no for me tbh unless I got a chance to experience Houston in summer as a trial first, nevermind the women's health are issues and guns. Is he going to be the one asking every parent that invites your child over to play if they have guns in the house? THAT is the concern with their laws, being in a gated community doesn't protect you from that aspect.
And to top it all off it would take a HUMUNGOUS amount of money to make the idea of sending my child to school where they have intruder drills in any way a consideration. I know your child isn't in school yet but if you can't come home without your husband you ll all probably be stuck there, he probably won't want to give up the big job.

The more you post OP, the more this man sounds like someone I would be glad to see the back of.

I would let him go and divorce him in his absence. His behaviour is ridiculous.

I suspect the reason they have 'given him more time to decide' is because the entire thing is a poisoned chalice and he is the only mug to not turn it down flat.

I completely get your hesitation, especially with young children. I was offered a role relocation with work early in the Summer with a move from UK to USA (New Jersey). In the end we decided against it because of the safety issue we have with their gun culture, I would have been crapping myself every time my young sons went to school. All schools also do active shooter drills… can you imagine the terror that instills in young children? It’s insane. It just doesn’t feel like a country to raise children in at the moment.

RE pay: Yes, market data means USA pays significantly higher than the UK, but the cost of living out there is crazy (I spent 3 months in the USA this year before deciding it wasn’t for us) and don’t forget the medical insurance you’ll need to pay. My employer had good coverage and still I was going to have to pay $1000 a month, every month on top of any co-pays.
Good luck in whatever you decide.

We moved country for my fathers job when I was 14 and my sister 12 but the circumstances were hugely different. We moved to a place with no safety issues, no extremes of heat (very little heat at all) and a similar COL. It was a great move for us as kids but only now I’m older, can I see how difficult it must have been for my mother and she was eventually able to get work.

Also my Dad went ahead and worked there for three months to ensure it was the job he wanted. Then we all visited for a week and checked out the area where we would live before making the final decision to move there.

A few years later Dad was given the chance of a job in Tokyo. He went for 6 months but decided it wouldn’t be the right move for the family. I really fancied it at the time but I can see why he made that choice.

I wouldn’t be keen to move to Texas but might give it a go if I could come home again with the children if I wanted to. No way would I do it with the risk of having to leave without my children.

I would absolutely not go.

the fact you have to live in a gated community tells you enough about the general levels of crime, safety and social inequalities.

plus moving away from all your local networks and support with a new baby… not for me

I've lived in a lot of countries, including the US and there's zero chance I'd do this, no matter what his package looks like. Absolutely no way.

Houston is a totally uninspiring city. The cost of living is eye-watering. The best thing about it is probably the airport. The heat is miserable. Texas women's healthcare atm is terrifying, and there have already been proposals to force women to take pregnancy tests before crossing state lines.

As for him suggesting you could maybe get a job? It'll probably be tricky to get you a visa, and the cost of childcare is absolutely insane. I guarantee it won't make financial sense for you to work, so you'll be stuck at home. Making like-minded friends will be so hard, and yes, you could easily get deported without your DC.

And... I don't know how to say this without sounding like a dick, which isn't my intention at all, but...your marriage already sounds a bit strained, tbh, and your DH sounds extremely self-centred and stubborn. Relocating will put so, so much extra pressure on your relationship, I'd be amazed if your marriage survives it.

Could he go and you stay with regular visits each way?

I understand how real estate tax works. I am American.

I used the council tax comparison perhaps clumsily but to illustrate that a tax exists and it's many multiples of what would be expected here (even if renters do pay it direct.)

The owner of a rental will be recovering this tax from the renter in some way.

Why would you not? It's thousands a year.

You can only have a proper, informed, discussion once you both know all the factors involved.

Visa you will BOTH get and whether you will be able to work if you wish.

Pay package. Including things like healthcare, repatriation flights, housing allowance etc.

His package of leave (very low generally in the US) and any potential to buy more or not if needed. What are the terms for compassionate leave if needed for family reasons (travel back for family funerals etc)?

Schooling options for DCs, and childcare options and costs (and any support towards costs from company).

And that's quite apart from the realities of healthcare for women of childbearing age in many US states, what will happen after elections, high costs of living in Texas compared to some other states and the realities of life there (including HOT summers and sometimes bitterly cold winter events), long distance lifestyle and the lack of public transport so a need for 2 cars, etc.

DH needs to understand the realities of moving overseas versus moving around locally in the UK. And as others have said, if it doesn't work and you want to come home, you need his permission to bring the DCs back - and your visa may be linked to the marriage so if that fails, you may need to leave the DCs with him but be forced to leave yourself. There was another DM on here for a long time trying to resolve similar issues in the US.