Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

USian and former South Texan of many years.

There is no way in hell I would move to Houston in your situation with so much unclear and that your husband will not always be around.

There is the issue of physical safety. Houston is a low lying bayou area and very prone to flooding. Can you safely evacuate if he is out of town with 2 very young children and not knowing the area and having knowledge of where to go and how to evacuate? Can you start and maintain a generator for when the power is out? Power grid is shakey, to say the least.

Look up the area where you might be living and flooding. Oh, and in the floodwater, there are things like snakes and FIRE ants as well as sewage and debris.

Second, Texas is an at will employment state. If something happens and he loses his job, will you guys have the $$$$$ to fight it legally?

Weather. It's the heat "and" the humidity. And there's poisonous things and FIRE ants. I hate those little bleepers. And tree roaches.

Has anyone told you about the traffic? It makes driving in NYC during rush hour look like a day in the park.

The political situation is one where maternal child health care has been politicized and right wing politics are dictating health care.

That sounds very plausible...but it would add an extra layer to the DH's already monumental stupidity and arrogance. <SMH>

Dont do it. Europe is the only sensible place left on this planet

Was just going to say the cost of groceries/living is far higher in the US

Hey @BruFord , I'm on the East Coast too. I'll never go back unless there's fundamental changes.

This is awful, he uses emotional abuse to try and control you. I would hate to uproot my young family and go to Texas. I also wouldn't want to leave an elderly pet. Please make your voice heard, and if your husband doesn't like it and pushes, and blames you, you know where you stand. Could you afford to buy a house if you split up? I really hope your pregnancy continues healthily.

I would really have a think about letting him go by himself OP. He moans about being trapped when that's exactly what he's going to do to you. If you end up splitting then he could forbid you from removing the children back to the UK. You would end up trapped there for possibly the rest of your life. They have such lax attitudes towards guns that children are at risk in their schools, in what should be a place of safety. He has already broken a promise to you regarding no more moves because of his work and he abuses you by giving you the silent treatment. Let him go by himself, because I am willing to bet that a "temporary" move would become permanent.

I havent read all your posts OP but we moved with dh job to Houston (oil industry) and spent several years there. Two young kids at the time plus a large dog and cat. Honestly it was a great place to live and given the chance we’d move back in a heartbeat. We’ve lived in many countries due to his work and this was by far the best. Depends massively on his compensation package - assuming healthcare, vacation allowance, schooling are included? Our dc’s were in the British International School which was fantastic. Note that due to the visa rules it will be very unlikely he/you would be able to stay long term/permanantly- it’s very rare.

...but she doesn't want to try it.

It may be that there is absolutely nothing I could suggest to you - parachuting, potholing, eating kangaroo balls, reading War and Peace aloud to your kids every night, painting Halifax purple - that you would not want to try. Perhaps that's your thing. Trying everything.

But most of us know what we want to try and what we don't want to try, and it's really no help at all to be told that we ought to try something because someone else would if they were you.

It seems like "because my husband bullied me into it" isn't a very compelling reason to go, OP.

You stand to lose so very much if you go. I'm angry with him that he's trying to completely railroad this when it so obviously isn't what is best for you and your children. I'm certain that the reason he is trying to force it through is that on some level he KNOWS that it would not be the right thing for you. He has broken his promise, so take very serious note that he's a man who feels happy to break his promises to you. I wouldn't expect to be moving back in 3 years time at all, he'll just be promising that for now to get you to agree to it.

Losing out on your independence and your network of family and friends around you is HUGE. Losing your reproductive rights, going to live where guns and gun fatalities are common, losing the ability to leave your gated community where if you're lucky you will make friends with your husband's colleagues (not your own, independently - how very Stepford Wives), losing the ability to move back home with your children if he decides he's staying (and I will bet money that he'll go back on the 3 years agreement), being dependent on your husband's job's healthcare policy (if you break up with him and stay in the US because you can't leave with your children, you'd lose all access to healthcare), in an area with such a gross climate, and generally living as an immigrant in a Republican state in a USA which may well have Trump back in power again soon... it's all horrendously stacked against you.

He wants a Stepford Wife, and that's the honest truth.

The husband's moan about being trapped doesn't sound like a moan about being in the UK....

Don't go.

If your marriage falls apart, he's the one that can afford the best lawyers and you'll be stuck in Texas until he wants.

Id not risk losing my kids for any amount of money, they are not for sale . Not even for the best husband is the world , and I don’t think you have him do you op?

He dismisses your legitimate concerns and questions as being negative.

He bullies you when you don’t do what he wants.

He’s lying to you about the exact status of this job offer. Because either it’s a real offer , in which case he’d have all the info. Or it’s just an option and he’s misrepresenting it .

He's emotionally abusive ( stone walling, gaslighting )

He's disrespectful and dismissive about your job.

He blames you for his own choices ( you are trapping me in the Uk = Im trapped by the decisions I made to get married and have children ).

He’s shown you that his promises mean nothing - your forever home is only for as long as it suits him.

The more of this post I read, the more it's about your marriage rather than the move.

If you go you will be utterly dependent upon someone who just lashed out and accused you of "trapping" him. He will call the shots.

An overseas adventure is great if both halves of the couple are on the same page and supportive of one another. That doesn't seem to be the case here.

I feel for you OP.
You are desperately hand wringing, trying to continue to support your husband in his career whilst feeling gaslit and like your opinions and feelings can be washed aside.
I wouldn’t be going anywhere with him none the less the US.
He sounds like a totally selfish bully. Having you move three times already with the promise that would be it the last and now pressurising you to move thousand miles away in a country you don’t feel comfortable about residing in.
Honestly, he sounds like a total twat. All out for himself not giving a thought to his wife and small children. It’s all me me me from him.
It would be a definite no from me.

You don’t have a “moving to Houston” problem - you have a “communication from husband” problem.

Texas isn’t a third-world country. It contains white collar professionals, brilliant career women, Houston is a major hub for everything STEM, is rich in the arts community… and a gated community isn’t exactly the isolating no man’s land you’re imagining.

But no couple should make this sort of a decision without details, and any decision must be based on open communication.

Congratulations to your DH - dog can come too. DH does however need to know the ins and outs of the package as it would be incredibly naïve of him and you to make a decision without the full picture re: relocation (including shipping the dog); trips home at least once a year for all the family; help to settle (both financial and local support).

You should also get to visit the area before committing but obs being pregnant may make that difficult depending how pregnant you are.

Great opportunity for you all if all boxes are ticked.

There is no way on earth I would send my child to a school in the USA.

The possibility of Trump as a president comes a very close second to my concern around school shootings. You really couldn’t pay me enough to move over there.

I was against you going due to being vulnerable and effectively powerless, but then you mentioned the dog. Please don't go. Enjoy your life with your friends and support network and your career. You need those things now and for the future. And you need your lovely dog xx

This. All of this. I'm guessing you don't say No to him very often and it is bringing out a very unpleasant side of him or at least making it very visible to you [and to us] just how selfish he is. I think he'll negotiate and negotiate - it will be two years max, and then it will be 5 years to apply for residency and so on. Easier to say a firm No now.

One other thing. A friends daughter has just gone through the somewhat expensive process of surrendering her US citizenship so she doesn't have to file taxes in the USA. Hasn't lived there since she was 2. Everyone was "Yay, a green card" when she was born but it's a bit of a faff if you don't live there as an adult.
https://www.raf-ff.org.uk/overseas/location-information/usa/children/

Have your baby at home. He can commute for a bit year and see what the reality is like. I suspect you won't miss him much given his recent treatment of you.

Honestly, why on earth are you asking people who most haven't even stepped foot in the USA? Unless you just want more ammo to dissuade your husband from accepting this job?

If you're after honest opinions, why not ask on a Brits in Texas Facebook group? They will no doubt tell you the absolute truth;good & bad.

I think you said your dog is a labrador - shipping a large dog long distance is no easy thing on the dog. He'd need to be in a crate in the cargo hold, which is significantly less, err, comfortable, than in the cabin. It's noisy, it's COLD, it's hell of a boring, and for transatlantic travel it would be a very long journey like that, with strangers handling him at both ends. I wouldn't put any dog through that, and I certainly wouldn't put an older one through it.

To give you some perspective on salaries. My benefits are valued at 45k. That is my employer contribution to their cost. I then pay an additional 15k a year on top of that to cover my family. That is before I make pension contributions.

I also have to pay out of pocket every time I see a doctor or need medication. My DD’s asthma daily asthma medication alone costs us over 1500 a year.

I had to pay 300 in school fees at the start of the year for her free and public school. This included book rental, technology fees, and class fees. Some classes are optional, but there are fees for mandatory classes like PE which I do not understand how they are able to charge.

nursery in my area is about 2k a month and some places charge more.

you have to know exactly what you are getting into financially because the US will bleed you dry.

This is on top of the real estate tax.

Just as a point of fact, not related to whether or not the OP should go - Real estate taxes are not like council tax - renters don't pay re tax in the US, the owner of the property does. Granted, the owner might pass some of the cost along by folding it into the rent, but it's not a separate tax.