Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

@andIsaid sorry I should have clarified earlier. It is, I believe a permanent job but he's told me we'd go 'temporarily' for 'around three years' on the basis that I do not want to live there.

I am also aware that I wouldn't be able to afford to continue our lifestyle, of course, should we separate and I remain here. But I feel that's something I'd have to take on the chin if it were to happen. Do you mean you managed the finances with your husband's earnings while away?

That's absolutely awful, I am so sorry that happened to your cousin. :(

Having read your posts OP in more depth I really wouldn’t advise you going. A person should be in a very healthy relationship before making such a radical life decision and your relationship doesn’t sound healthy enough. I predict loneliness, isolation and resentment, add to that concern that if your relationship flounders you may not be able to take your children back home.

This is a pile of crap.

The husband is REFUSING to give details of the package. The OP CAN NOT make an informed decision.

He can't whinge like a baby if he is withholding this type of information.

Married couples make decisions together. Especially huge ones like this. Withholding information and demanding someone say yes in the absence of that information is not ok. It is not a neutral position, it is asking for a huge change.

The OP is wanting to adopted a neutral position and maintain the status quo. The onus here is for the other party to present a case of how things will be different and better.

There is NOTHING here on offer here, apart from making her a lot more vulnerable and potentially stranded.

THIS IS NOT the wife COERCING HIM to stay. This is the wife saying 'this is a partnership, and if this is a partnership then we damn well need to both have the information, look at the pros and cons for BOTH of us and it needs to work for both of us'. Otherwise she could find herself screwed. The husband is NOT going to be screwed if the wife refuses to go. He is still able to go if he wishes to.

Especially when that 'man' has been abusively stonewalling her for days, has demonstrated no respect for her career, and has already promised no more work-related moves.

I would not be moving. You have a life and a support network and a nice house and a stable job here. Moving to the US, supposedly even for a short period would allow your husband to control whether you could leave him and take the children home. You and your children don't want to end up trapped by the Hague convention where you would be seen as habitually resident in Texas. The other massive red flags are the permissive attitude towards firearms and the misogynist religious culture which suppresses women's rights to choose what reproductive healthcare they can access. The medical costs there can bankrupt / financially cripple you and the cost of living there is hideously expensive. Your husband is giving you the silent treatment for three days...I would be tossing the arsehole out and tellng him to fuck off to the States by himself.

Go!

You can always come back. .

My first concern would be that my children would be heading off to nursery and eventually school with bullet proof back packs and having drills for how to deal with an active shooter.

My second issue would be the issues surrounding women’s rights and lack of. Which will be even worse if Trump gets in.

And that’s not even taking in to account the comments from the husband about how they’re being stifled or whatever word is chosen to make you feel shite for not just going ahead with something you don’t actually want to do.

Yeah but without her kids 🙄

Have you clarified what type of visa you'd be on if you go? It's quite possible that you won't be able to work at least initially, and that will be very restricting. Please look into this - one of my friends moved to the US with her husband and she wasn't able to work for quite a long time.

I also moved for a job with my American husband, and it was different, because he was a citizen. I was able to work immediately.

If your husband can/t or won't provide you with this type of information, I'd definitely refuse to go.

And the award for the person who hasn't read the thread gone to....

So, I am just wondering whether he has actually been offered a promotion - or whether he’s been invited to be considered for one?

At DH’s work place (um, major global oil & gas co), they approach several candidates, usually a mix of UK, Eu and US, and will also advertise externally. Being asked if he would consider a role in Houston with a promotion for DH would not mean he has the role. It means he enters the pool of (admittedly hand-picked) candidates and usually at the first approach he’d be advised to go home and discuss with his spouse before giving the green light to start things rolling. He’d only be given the detail of the benefits, pay and what was involved in expatriating, if he got through first round interviews and was in the running - so, in fact, probably not until he was on the brink of being offered the role.

From what you have stated about his giving a ‘hypothetical yes’ and his not having the expat details, I actually wonder whether he actually has the offer in hand at all? I wonder whether he’s been approached and has deluded himself into thinking he has the role?

I would absolutely not go for the simple fact that you could be stuck there for the rest of your life even if you hated it.

@Nunu90 I am coming very late to this thread but I just wanted to say, we did this. We moved from the UK to the US with a 2 yr old and a just 1 yr old. They are about to finish high school soon. It is tough without family to help in the early years, but to be honest, mine wasn't really much help at the start anyway.

Financially it is a good move, absolutely. Lower cost of living, higher quality of living in most cases. Higher salaries and lower taxes.

Texans are known to be friendly and welcoming. Unless you want to have an abortion, the laws on that are not going to affect you in the slightest. We have lived in very liberal areas on both the West and East coasts, for us what would have made life easier is fewer big moves back and forth between coasts and establishing ourselves in one place, which it sounds like you will have the opportunity to do.

The most important thing at the start is your package, relocation costs, company paying 1/2 your rent for the first year, paying for annual trips back to the uk for the whole family, and if necessary paying a chunk of private school fees.

I would consider it some more. Good luck, whatever happens.

USian and former South Texan of many years.

There is no way in hell I would move to Houston in your situation with so much unclear and that your husband will not always be available.

Ther

This!!

No way in hell would I be exposing my children to that.

Why aren't you angry OP? Just curious. You've every right to be.

He promised no more career moves. He's broken that promise.

You don't want to move to America yet he's been offered a job there. Snidey. You obviously didn't both speak about the possibility of him applying, or else he'd already know you didn't want to move to America!

In a healthy relationship there would have been a discussion about the job applicationt, followed by a decision that either
a) it wasn't happening because you both want to stay married and you don't want to move to America or
b) he wants it so badly he's willing to break up the marriage for it so will apply anyway and go if he gets the job.

By the way, if the decision had been B I'd divorce him anyway, because I'm not willing to be somebody's second option/priority.

Nowhere in that decision making process would there be option C, apply behind spouses back, present it as a fait accompli and pressurise them into it with empty promises and use emotional abuse to coerce them into agreeing.

I think whats interesting about this thread is the number of Americans, including ones who have lived in Houston,saying don't do it - especially not because its Houston.

That isn't a good sign.

But he thinks it’s ok for him To trap you in the US?

id actually like to have moved abroad, dh didn’t want to. I never put any pressure on him. I completely am of the opinion in that in order to change the status quo both people have to be in agreement. If they’re not then the person who wants things to stay as they are has the upper hand/winning vote.

This is horrifying....I knew it would be bad if he were re elected but this is basically going to make the US into Gilead...

Do you mean you managed the finances with your husband's earnings while away?

No, I mean that I went with him, in a comparable move to what you are thinking about, with two young dc.

But, to make it "safer", or more palatable for me, dh handed over all the money and the management of the money. I made all of our financial decisions, savings etc. I paid myself a salary too. It just gave me more agency I suppose. I knew exactly what we had, and where it all was. I always saw his work contracts etc.

There seems to be a lack of transparency in your case that would worry me.

When are children involved planning needs to be thorough. You both have a duty of care to them, and if things go wrong, the ramifications usually land disproportionately on their heads.

That could be debatable should he wish to stay she may not be allowed to bring the kids back as US and UK are signed up to the Hague Convention.

I remember a dreadful case many years ago when a young English woman had her two kids torn from her arms at the airport, never forgotten the footage, her screams were like an animal in pain.

@outerspacepotato Same. We're on the East Coast and have been offered some opportunities in Texas at various times. I was thoroughly put off after attending a conference in Houston in June, the weather alone was enough!

This makes way more sense.

I contracted for a global company and many employees would be asked to apply for a role in another country with a short application window. 2-3 Rounds of interviews before selection and could be up against people from anywhere globally.

Might explain the no details thing. No decent company expects a yes without having the full relocation details for the family to decide. He could be testing the waters having promised not to move around again.