Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

It's not irrelevant if there's the slightest chance she might ever fall pregnant again, intentionally or accidentally.

I think you need to try and speak to people who have done this.

I know 2 - One HATED it & one loved it.
One of the things the one who hated it really didn't like was that people talk about America's gun culture and she said she hadn't realised what a big thing it was - like they went out for dinner with her partners work colleagues & they had to check their guns into the cloak room before they could enter the restaurant - But what people don't talk about is that yes they checked their guns but they all had massive big bowie knives (These were lawyers) and pulled them out & were messing about with them at the dining table. She didn't last long & left her partner & came home.

The other girl loved it - she loved the weather & had her babies out there said the schools were amazing and she loved how community feel that there was. Ultimately though her & her husband split up and she came home.

Learn to identify emotional abuse.

I think your original post mentioned the word 'coerced'. You were spot on.

Your marriage doesn't sound robust enough to navigate, let alone survive such a move.

Opinions on Houston aside, your DH sounds very selfish and almost juvenile in his attitude to not getting every single detail of the package being offered until you say yes. No way would I agree to anything with someone so petulant.

He doesn't sound particularly nice tbh OP. I know you have said this pregnancy is much longed for, but given his abusive nature, moving anywhere with him with a newborn will almost certainly put you in a very vulnerable position.

Being stuck in a country you don't want to live in, divorced, and unable to leave with your children is an unimaginable yet common hell for many women. I live in the EU and know many women from UK and US stuck because they cannot leave with their children. It is a risk anyway, but even riskier with a man like your husband.

Yes maybe. And maybe still considering it after already saying No, gives him space to sulk as a strategy you seem 'movable' or flakey (in his eyes).

Hold your ground and be clear.

Don't go OP, if you split up it'll fuck up your life so bad and you might lose your children. I have a friend who is stuck in a country she hates, because if she leaves she'll have to leave her child behind, even though the child's dad has abandoned the family - he took her to court to make sure she couldn't leave then fucked off.

Letting him go by himself is a great idea, you aren't stopping him so he can't get angry at you, and hopefully he'll realise quite soon that the grass isn't so green there after all, especially without his family.

I wouldn't accept this narrative that turning down this job will 'ruin' his career because either

1. Turning down this particular role will not affect his chances of other roles in this company or elsewhere, or
2. If he's in an industry where turning down this opportunity does kill your career, then he needed to make this clear to you years ago and you both needed to be on board with big moves, which is not what he has done.

If this does ruin his career that's down to him.
I say this as someone who turned down a dream job for my family, it hurt but I got back up and got another dream job.

@LeoOakley
Very good and sound comment.
I was just angry as I kept reading...
👍

Ignoring the Texas bit, you don’t need to worry about being in a gated community. You are probably picturing a corporate enclave like in the UAE. It’s really just a collection of houses with an oversight board to make sure people maintain their home exteriors. There will also almost certainly be a shared communal area like a pool or a park. Anyone with enough money can buy a home there. It will be a mix of people socially, just not economically.

If the package was stood enough I’d jump at the chance!

One thing your DH isn't considering is the jump from 1-2 which can be quite a shock to the system, was for me anyways.

You'll be splitting your time and attention between two little ones, having family support to keep eldest is much needed.

We did it without support and promotions within the Uk and honestly everyday felt like a marathon, esp since my second was so active.

Is he able to postpone the decision until baby comes along? Do his colleagues know you're pregnant? Assuming they are all men and therefore can't even comprehend what a woman may go through in pregnancy/postpartum and uprooting.

Wishing you all the best?

You are not responsible for killing his career op. You have not told him he cannot go. All you have said is you don’t want to go.

IMO the choices are:
he goes and you and kids (and dog) stay
he stays with you and kids (and dog)

you have made your decision that you want to stay and he is free to make his. He doesn’t get to blame you or emotionally blackmail you. You tell him you are not going but he can make his own choice about what he is going to do. He doesn’t get to have everything. Why isn’t he remotely arsed about your feelings when you’re worrying about his?

I would go on the basis of, having everything all in order, as stated from someone who posted before. And having a set timeframe. Good luck

I would not go, certainly not to Texas, and additionally not before knowing who is the next US President.

I keep thinking about this all day.

OP he's saying he can't ask for the details without a hypothetical yes as he wouldn't want to waste their time.

So if you give that hypothetical yes and get the details and the details are not to your liking, then he is very plainly going to say that you "can't" say no now as you've already agreed and there's no way you can go back on it now you've wasted their time and you are ruining his career blah blah blah.

I once moved to another country I'd never visited and didn't speak the language. I stayed for years and absolutely loved it. I moved back home but am so glad to have had the experience.

This is nothing like that. Your DH sounds emotionally abusive. You have so much to lose. Your independence, your children, your support network.

Op you also really need to think about whether or not your DH is being honest with you, as me and other posters have pointed out. This is about much more than him just attempting to steamroll you.

He seems to think he can drag his wife and kids after him to further his career. He’s thinking like a single guy. No way would I consider this move.

That's all a massive exaggeration, full of cliches and wild inaccuracies.

The only issue here that would really negatively affect the OP is the personality of her husband, who isn't a man of his word, and doesn't really see life from her pov at all.

His aversion to asking for details of the package, agreeing to a two week window to make a huge decision for the family, while pressing the OP to say yes, bespeak a personality that is far too arse licker for Texas, someone who is a pushover.

I guarantee that his employer has a lot of questions about his personality because of this. Nobody - NOBODY - considers a move to another country without nailing down details of health insurance (given OP is pregnant and will be bringing a newborn baby to Texas, this is insane) annual leave, relocation package, assistance finding accommodation, banking/ credit, schools, and cars, and visa provision for trailing spouse and children.

He is making a fool of himself.

OP, I think you need to say no, and let the chips fall where they may. If there's even a small chance you'd say yes, this man must be forced to think things through, make demands of the employer, and you need to ask yourself if he is likely to move the goalposts again once you get there, leaving you high and dry.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, if I were you. He hasn't shown himself loyal to you. There's more to building a family than financial security. I don't think this man has what it takes to live in an equal, respectful relationship. He is prioritising something other than your welfare.

you need to be on twice the package in USD as you are here in GBP to have an equivalent life style as COL is very high in the US. So you said between you and DH you are on 160k here so his package needs to be 320k just to break even be UK. Is it an expect contract? Or local? If the latter, you won’t get flights home or international healthcare or even relocation back if he leaves his employer or gets fired. You will be on local labour laws - which are not exactly protective. Not asking all these questions before having a discussion with your spouse is ridiculous. I don’t see how your DH doesn’t see this. Unless he knows the answers and they are not good do he wants to do bait and switch. In any case, any international move has to be a joint decision where both are feeling really positive about it not just like a compromise. I won’t repeat stuff that other posters said about your vulnerability. Bear in mind that spouse working visa (to which you are theoretically entitled) takes ages so you won’t be able to work for a long time. More so if Trump gets elected.

Other than that, I disagree with Texas being a bad place for being an expat. It’s cheaper than New England, people are way friendlier and more open and food is excellent. I mean guns and abortion aside. Like I’d never live there forever but if I’d have to be an expat for 3 years, I’d rather it be in Texas than Connecticut.

And just how is the OP supposed to do this when her DH refuses to disclose the finer details?

It's not irrelevant at all, unless she is going to be celibate or sterilised and therefore not at risk of pregnancy.

Yes to all of this.

Also, your ability to return home if he decides to stay and get a green card. His refusal to see your pov here is very worrying.

I moved to the far east with my sh. We didn't have children then.

The first thing the company asked, was if we were open to the idea of moving. As id never been they arranged for us to both go, meet with other colleagues and their families. Go round with a relocation agent to see the city and housing types etc. and just spend time there exploring.

Before a definite yes - we negotiated the contract- how DH would be paid, health insurance for us both, rental of a home and money for setting up home. They paid for me to do language courses etc. they paid for my mobile contract there. We had flights home. And an exit strategy all in the contract.

The whole time DH listened to my concerns, spoke to his company etc.

I think in your case, your DH isn't listening to you and if I was in your condition, I wouldn't be moving anywhere until my baby was born.

If he wants to "convince" you, he's gone the total wrong way about it - and it speaks volumes, that's he's just assumed you'd follow.

From your point of view, isn't a total total no? Or do you think, if the conditions were right you'd go?

This He has all that now, and it's still not enough. :( is a problem.

Doesn’t matter what is job is or where he is, he won’t be happy as he’s probably not happy with himself (may have imposter syndrome/parent who is PA critical etc).

I love the US and would live there if offered and know a few people who have done it over the years. I would not be doing it without knowing exactly what the package was. Houston is amazing, but you will need a car and if you’re not into ‘big’ US culture (malls…fast food…trucks…cook outs…sports…stinking hot weather…wildlife that hurts) it may not be for you. There is NO WAY I would commit to moving somewhere I hadn’t even visited. Did you say DH hasn’t been to Houston?! I don’t know the ins and outs of US employment law/practice but I know their holidays are worse than here and their work culture can expect a lot of time in the office. If he’s travelling a lot in the US you could find yourself unable to work due to visas and left on your own in your gated community (not always bad places to live). The US is not cheaper to live than here. Houston will be similar to London prices so he’d have to have a REALLY good package in order to be able to pay off that mortgage.

Sounds like your DH has had his turned by the idea of the new job so anything you do that may not be 100% supportive will be seen as criticism (is he a covert narcissist btw? His reaction is sounding familiar…). He says it’s a great opportunity for all of you, but as soon as you pushed back on that ‘we’ has changed to ‘me/I’. Sounds like he’s already decided he’s going, even if you stay here. If moving back doesn’t have a fixed date, what’s to say that you’re not doing this again in a few more years? The move back to the UK may be delayed because his work, who he’s already shown he’s happy to move, decide he’s need elsewhere. Where else do they have offices? Ex-pat packages aren’t nearly as good as the heady days of the 80s and the people I know who have doe it are living an ok lifestyle. They’re not swanning around in £££ cars living in Insta-level mansions. They’re living in modest houses and watching their spends while dealing with problems in their rented out UK house.

I wouldn't move to Texas.

Ever.