Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It's a huge change and upheaval for you. I wouldn't be happy to go either

.....the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all.

Everyone will tell you to weigh the pros and cons. People will say that the gun thing is not a real problem. It'll be suggested that you can get a new job and a new life and you'll love it once you're there. Your husband will ask you what your objections are and then he'll counter them and dismantle them, one by one, and you may even convince yourself that you've been persuaded.

But really, the entire conversation stops with the sentence you typed above.

And if you continue to feel that way, then you shouldn't go, and your husband shouldn't push it. Never, ever do anything major that fills you with a sense of dread.

Now is the time to go and try it. Kids are young and as long as they've got you that's all that matters. It sounds like an amazing opportunity and adventure. I'd be there will bells on. Go for it, if you don't like it, come home in a couple of years, nothing will have changed.

Having spent time in the US, and Texas in particular, it would be a no from me. It's a very different culture, especially in the south and especially in Texas which is a solidly republican state. If the US vote goes Trump's way then there is absolutely no way I'd move to a red state. If you aren't up on it, read Project 2025 so that you at least know what you're getting into: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_2025

I wouldn't OP. Go to the States regularly and it's not cheap to live over there. Even with an amazing healthcare package. Also I would not in a million years send my children to school over there because of the school shootings but also because of disagreements with curriculum. A new baby, an old dog, denting your career, moved around for him in the past - a solid no. What exactly are the pros? More money, worse hours, no work for you (how would the visa work for you in that sense?) isolated, political madness. Nope.

He gave you the silent treatment for 3 days when you reasonably said No to his asking you.

That tells you he feels it should be his way, no matter what you want, feel or would have to leave behind.

That would make it an absolutely not from me. You will be stuck there until he decides to move again. IF he decides to move again. Because of the children.

Texas is not a great state if you're not a religious right winger. It really isn't.

And America is weird because it's just pockets of concrete and spaces of private land in between. Housing development with maybe a pool or golf course, then a drive to a shopping area, not a town, just some shops, nothing in between. There's not the sort of sense of places being connected or walkable that there is here.

And why are you assuming he will go on h1b visa and not e2 and e3? If the company wants him there and as op implies it might be permanent they wouldn’t apply for h1b and limit him to 6 years. You gave a link from Dartmouth university. Maybe you should look at official US government site with all visa explanations?

OK, the "trapping" comment would be a dealbreaker for me. I think you need to see a solicitor to at least find out what your options are. If he's going to treat you and the kids like an anchor holding him down, let him get the fuck out.

I moved a lot for my Dad’s job and it gave me, as a child, some great experiences mixing with all kinds of people. Must have been tough on my mum though…. I think you’ll both need to massively compromise here otherwise you’ll both resent each other.

Could he commute for the first year with a view to you going out on x date. You could then have baby in UK with family close by and he can work out logistics in the US. You never know, he might hate it or he could move to a different state once he’s ‘in’. He’ll also know more about the package etc.

In addition to the practical good sense of @MrsAga 's comments, his response will tell you a lot. I am actually thinking and said upthread, that this will tell you A LOT about what your married future would be like regardless if whether you go or not. I don't want to rub it in, but his behaviour is showing you (or confirming to you) what he is like.

he should know ALL about the package before he says yes or no in the first place!!

I empathise as you're stuck between you being unhappy or DH being unhappy. In your shoes I wouldn't go - because unless the trailing spouse can find a similar job in the new place, they are forced into financial dependence and it's a lonely life. Your DH's promotion is NOT the best thing for your family because money isn't the only thing that's needed for happy, healthy, comfortable family life. This promotion is only best for him and his career, but of course he's pretending it's an altruistic decision that benefits all of you.

My neighbour gave up her Tech career to follow her husband to Spain where he got a great job opportunity. It's been a year, she's tried to start her own business and it's not been successful, she's bored and misses the strong social network and family she had in the UK - worse she's financially and emotionally dependent on him. The move was only supposed to be a few years but he's already said he won't move back to the UK because 'they're' much better off in Spain. Similarly had another friend who gave up her career to follow DH to Doha - has really struggled with the society and culture and the expat bubble where she has no identity of her own other than someone's wife. He's hardly ever home with all of his travel and their marriage is struggling too - many men use expat life as a way to live like single men in a way they can't at home.

If he stays in the UK, his life doesn't worsen in any way. If you move to Texas your life worsens considerably. As the mother of your kids, you get to decide what's best for them and his career doesn't take precedence.

But there is no guarantee the husband will.agree to come home in two years. And then she will be trapped somewhere she doesn't want to be. She won't be able to leave with her children unless her husband agrees.

I shouldn't feel like I have to say 'yes' to be able to get the information to make an informed decision. He said he didn't want to waste their time by asking for certain conditions if we'd say 'no' anyway

This bit is utterly ridiculous, and frankly wouldn't fill me with confidence as to his common sense if I was his new employer. You're not suggesting "conditions" but simply asking for information, the need for which is so basic it hardly needs saying

On the more basic principle I'd snap their hands off if the opportunity really is a good one, but then as a retiree I spend half the year in the US anyway.
Ignore the silly virtue signalling nonsense about Trump (he's not going to come knocking on your door FGS), and while it's true Texas has far too many guns for my taste they're very unlikely to affect you unless you mix with criminals or make a point of visiting their areas

Good luck with whatever you decide, but remember tthat only an idiot would fail to ask for the kind of information you want

We went to live in New York for 18 months when our D Ds were aged 3 and 7. We took every holiday opportunity (bank hol weekends Inc) to travel around the States as much as possible. We came back so that DD1 could go to secondary school here.
Exactly what the package includes is very important OP but if you are only there for a specific amount of time it is an opportunity of a lifetime.

I honestly think you're making this more of a dilemma than it should be, and that no doubt is because of the kind dynamic you have as a couple. If you were married to a more considerate, thoughtful and less selfish partner , there wouldn't be much to discuss because your very legitimate read of the situation as being 90% loss for you - and also potentially for your children- would mean there was nothing to discuss. It's only a dilemma because your husband cares about his career and his status and his Big Job in a Big State that he can boast about more than he does about his family. Stop seeing this as two equally valid viewpoints. His viewpoint does nothing for you and potentially makes your life much harder, even miserable. Your viewpoint maintains what sounds a very pleasant, stable and lucky status quo. They are not comparable.

When my DS went to the US for work, he was offered temp accommodation for 1 month (paid for by firm), by which time he had to sort out his own.
It was supposed to be a promotion but the US colleagues did not really like a Brit going out there and being in charge, and undermined him.
In the US the annual leave is usually only about 2 weeks.
I can't remember what my DS had, as he wanted to come back after 1 year, but then we had the lockdown.
It was very hard for my DDIL, as she had no family there.
Yes, they had to get visas sponsored by his job, and then spouse and children, etc.
This meant. of course, that it would have been difficult to change jobs, as his visa was for this specific company.
Friends of ours, (a couple then without children), went elsewhere in the world for 2 years. SHe hated the fact that she had to give up her job and go with him.
I personally think it only works if you both embrace it.

Something will have dramatically changed though, op may well have no career to come back to here. Her career is every bit as important as her husbands, women should not completely rely on their husbands, see the relationship board!

I would go. Your children won't be in school by the time you come back. It'll be a great opportunity for you all. A friend of minw went ti live in twxaa foe her huanamda job move. She was very reluctant. At the end of the fixed term contract it was her who didn't want to leave

I'm starting to wonder if this whole thing - going after a job in a place he already knew you don't want to move to - is an indirect way of exiting the marriage without (as he sees it) having to be the bad guy. He's giving off single guy vibes and I wonder if the prospect of a second child has made him panic - hence the "trapped" comments. By announcing this "huge" opportunity that he knows you will baulk at, he makes any split your choice in the narrative going forward. It would be a very cowardly thing to do but lots of men are cowards.

He's highly unlikely to be either an investor or setting up a business!

I'd guess it's more likely to be an L1 visa - it used to be that spouses of L1 visa holders could not work but I understand that has now changed and spouses can apply for permission to work.

I have. I just picked the first entry on the multiple pages of Google results that explain why dependants may not be able to work. I also know several people who went from the UK to the US. They all started on H1B. Some converted to permanent later, some couldn’t / didn’t want to and came home.

Also, he’s promised it’s only for a few years rather than suggesting it’s a permanent move.

I fully accepted in my response that some visas allow a spouse to work. You made a blanket proclamation that a spouse can work and everyone saying otherwise is wrong and ‘doesn’t know the law’ but I’m the one who needs to check the official government sites? How funny.

No way would I move to Texas the gun crime would out me off for starters and it is a very different way of living than in the UK. You'd have a new baby too when you need family/friends. Go with your gut but I wouldn't do it no chance...

He didn't speak to you for three days.

OP, this is emotional abuse. You're being bullied, and punished when you don't give him what he wants. On this basis alone I would outright refuse to go. How would you cope if... when he pulls this shit on you and you've got none of your usual support around you? Seriously, fuck him. He's thinking of no one but himself.