Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

I've just read and re-read your post and had to catch my breath ..... Not because I'm not aware of the way the US is moving to the right, particularly with Trump-appointed judges in the Supreme Court, but because I had to remind myself this is America we're talking about, you know, the "land of the free" - unless you're a woman. The fact that you're giving OP advice about this, and that your DD is having to consider her Uni' options with this in mind, is something we should all allow to sink in for a while ..... Thank you.

I am actually super pessimistic and it was someone who was optimistic that showed me a different way of looking at it! The OP asked for advice and my advice would be to consider throwing caution to the wind and she may end up loving it but she won’t know if she didn’t try.

I gave my opinion this morning, but really the more this thread rumbles on the more I think: wtf is this man thinking?

He's got a good job, you both have careers that matter to you, you have a nice home in a place you agreed to stay in, you have a dc and a long hoped for second on the way. The only reasonable response to this job offer is to say thank you but the time isn't right for me and my family unless something remote/hybrid is possible. He might have asked you if you thought he was wrong to dismiss it, in case your position had changed since the decision to settle where you are had been taken, but given it hasn't any reasonable person would just have parked it and moved on.

He really is being unbearably selfish and coercive, and he stands to lose everything if he doesn't wake up quickly.

No amount of money in the world would convince me to move to the US. You have a great set up here, you enjoy your life. Don't give that up. He can go by himself if he feels that strongly about it. Don't get trapped. (from someone who had a child in the UK and can't move back home...)

Texas yes, go for it. San Fran or NYC or Philly or Chicago, no way.

I think the total deprioritisation of your career and your greater domestic role is hugely significant.

he thinks he’s the most important thing

which must be very upsetting to realise

i am massively adventurous and have moved countries twice for work. No way I’d move in your circumstances

tell him he can go on his own for two years

Having been the trailing spouse with a young baby before, I would run like the wind from all of this. It’s a lonely life, far away from trusted support networks.

How can he expect you to say yes without clearly worked finances?

Isn’t it the case with US that there are no double taxation agreements so he’ll end up paying twice whether he does 2 weeks on / 2 weeks off or not? Might be mistaken though.

But most of all there isn’t enough money in the world for me to wave my child off on the school bus in a country where there is such a problem with misuse of guns and murder of children, in schools.

He sounds incredibly dismissive of your concerns. That would be enough of a deal breaker for me.

I didn’t say it was. The OP asked for advice and my advice is to maybe throw caution to the wind and she might have a great time. But she won’t ever know if she doesn’t try.

Absolutely spot on - great advice!

No advice as such OP but sending my sympathy. I was in a similar situation several years ago, but with my children being primary school age. I had serious misgivings about the treatment of women in the country concerned, as well as the worries about lack of support network etc. It wasn't even open-ended but the timeframe meant we would have missed the application window for our local (oversubscribed) secondary schools when we returned.

My husband is in a data-driven career but dismissed the data I collected on life in that country for expats. Like your DH he was caught up in the excitement and what he saw as the purely positive 'life experiences' it offered.

It was incredibly stressful. I was seeing a therapist at the time and most of my sessions became focused on this issue.

In the end changes at his work meant the opportunity was withdrawn. I actually cried when I heard, it had been so difficult.

Hugs to you 💐

@Newposter180 thank you so much. Deep down I absolutely know I do not want to go to Texas, it's ultimately being strong enough to deal with the consequences of that for my marriage and family. I think I've been so focussed on whether or not I am being unfair and potentially 'ruining' his career as he has said, that I haven't truly seen how poorly I've been treated, too.

If it was me it would be a hill that I die on, not a chance would I 1. Take my children to somewhere where school shootings are a part of life and 2. Be somewhere he could stop me from taking my children and be trapped.

OP, I can tell by your posts you don’t want to go, so tell him that, if he wants to go anyways that’s on him but he will have to make that choice.

Got to disagree. Think in this instance, she has an awful lot to lose. She's said she's already compromised several times by moving for DH's career and he's promised they wouldn't need to do it again and their UK home would be their forever home. Child is happy, Dog's happy. I'm not seeing the brave new world in all this....

Great advice… other than that the OP essentially becomes a single parent to two young children who would probably really miss their dad? How will that affect her career etc etc? It’s not something I’d sign up for personally.

@scoobiedoozie thank you so much. In the long run and for your mental state at the time, it was great for you that the opportunity was pulled. It's bad that I've been researching whether Trump is likely to crack down on immigration. Ultimately though, I think I am going to have to own this and take @MrsAga 's brilliant advice.

And it might be a total disaster with the potential to ruin her life and leave her trapped permanently in a country she hates or splitting up with custody laws and visa issues which leave her exceptionally vulnerable and at risk of losing the kids.

Yeah cracking.

Throwing caution to the wind is something you do when you haven't got the responsibility of kids.

This, is being a naive idiot with nothing to gain and everything to lose.

I haven’t rtft but on your op I’d say it’s a no and that’s ok

Don’t go

I wasn’t comparing Houston to NJ, just that our NJ friends had noticed that living costs had increased significantly since Covid,

All the UK people I knew in Houston found it expensive compared to the UK - health insurance, home insurance, car insurance, utilities, rent, decent quality groceries (and I'm not talking about shopping in Wholefoods either).

Looking at things on paper in the UK is one thing, actually bumping against the real cost of living on the ground is something else.

How much it impacts you depends on your package - we were not defined as fully international so our package was less comprehensive (rent allowance rather than picking up all accommodation / utility costs etc) than the fully international ones - those people were being compensated for regularly being moved to a new country at short notice.

In your circumstances (pregnant, surrounded in dh's colleagues, moving away from family), nevermind gun laws, I wouldn't be budging. Especially seeing as you're financially comfortable too.

I’m a midwestern american and hell would freeze over before I set foot in texas even to visit. I categorically couldn’t live there. Haven’t rtft but I’m sure others have provided the long list of reasons not to live there.

OP, this job sounds worse and worse. He surely can't be considering a job with a lot of travel from January when you are pregnant, you need him present not half in the US half here. This is no job for anyone with a young family.

This has nothing to do with how you feel TBH, he's got tied up in a shit job that now wants him to move to a country where he has far less workers rights, holiday, sick leave and family time. Perhaps that might burst his Texas bubble.

Also any marriage where one partner travels a lot has to be absolutely rock solid to cope with the distractions. Personally, if you value your relationship with him, I'd be asking him to change jobs.

Indeed. This isn't about Texas at all. It's about the state of your relationship.

A healthy relationship wouldn't be one where you felt in this position.

@Newposter180 100% it is not something I want, and would break me if my son were to miss his dad. But ultimately, that is his decision as to whether he continues without us. I think @MrsAga's options were to ensure that my husband doesn't hold it against me that he wasn't allowed to go and pushes accountability back to him if he doesn't.

Last week he made comments about me 'trapping' him here in the UK, then later said he didn't mean it. All these little comments stick though...

All excellent points OP - especially about moving package and housing support in particular (both temporary accommodation on arrival, help with house hunting and long term costs).

I've worked in HR jobs dealing with international mobility both for new recruits and existing staff. The offer will always set out the standard package. This might be negotiable once you get into the nitty gritty and may vary by seniority or where the employee is coming from (e.g. flight to house hunt/find schools in advance of the move, number of paid flights home). But any large employer with a lot of internal movement, especially a US based one, will have teams on both sides handling this who can provide a document with the essentials.

I'm betting the package isn't as generous as he'd like it to be - other perhaps than salary - so knows he can't use it to persuade you.

Plus the way he's been behaving in terms of silent treatment etc is a massive red flag. Lots of marriages do not survive international moves. With very young kids and the risk of getting stuck there if things go wrong I just wouldn't do it.

And that's before any debates about Texas/USA as a place to live.

Good for you OP. That’s what I’d do in your position. Good luck with it all.