Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

We can all only say what we would do. And if it were me, I wouldn't go. Your Hs career is no more valid than yours despite his higher earnings, and your wish to remain around your support network with two small children is no less valid than his desire for change. Whichever you choose, the risk of unhappiness and resentment for one of you is huge and if neither of you can happily give way, represents a crisis in your marriage. Personally I'd rather lose my marriage than have to live in Texas. But only you can decide what's right for you.

You said “you’d just graduated”

the inference being you were 21/22

either… in your shoes, wonderful

but the Op’s shoes are very different

You are scaremongering. It is not what is happening.
Doesn't mean it hasn't ever happened but that doesn't mean it is happening as due course.

There ahve been some (very few) examples of malpractice. Just as there are stories in the NHS.

Nowhere is what you are suggetsing policy. Nor is it the OPs main issue here.

Stop pushing your polictal agenda on a thread about the OPs personal situation.

Ask him the companies policy on getting women to other states if they need to access an emergency abortion.

If I or my daughter find ourselves in a location we can’t access female reproductive care, my company will pay all expenses to get the woman and an escort to a safe location.

that still isn’t going to save a woman’s life or fertility if she is in the middle of a wanted pregnancy and dealing with an infection because it hasn’t gotten bad enough yet for doctors to intervene.

dd is looking at universities right now and this is something she is having to consider, even though she has no plans to get pregnant.

It’s not malpractice it’s the LAW. Have a look at recent history in Ireland if you think this stuff is inconceivable.

This 😬…..I would not be moving to Texas for any amount of money

Oh OP, he’s being very selfish. You have moved every time he wanted, you have supported him to grow his career. This move feels a step too far in your situation (some would jump at the chance, but that doesn’t mean you should)
If you feel bullied into the move, you’ll resent him & it’s not easy enough to just pack up your family & move back.
if you stop him taking the job, then he will definitely resent you & bring it up at every opportunity.
So I think you need a compromise. I assume he would be starting the job whilst you continued your pregnancy here. So perhaps a further compromise is that he can go if he wants, but you are staying here until your new baby is a year old (or pick a date) then you’ll consider what’s best for you and the kids at that time. Tell him the “not before” date is non negotiable. Then decide how often & for how long he must return during that time maybe an extended weekend or a full week per month (costs covered by company) how often would you be prepared to take the kids over there? Once every 3 months maybe? So at least you get a feel for the place? If he’s already travelling for work, this would just feel like a more brutal version of that. Don’t commit to definitely going, just waiting until after the birth & having your support network round you in those early months. By then he’d have a better idea if it’s going to be permanent or if he’s moving on to the next “perfect career move” (hopefully he’ll hate it and come home)
If he won’t negotiate, make it very clear (keep repeating) it’s his choice to turn it down, you’ve given him a workable option, his choice if he won’t take it. There are no easy options now he’s got it in his head that it’s perfect & he wants it:-
stay here - he resents you & the marriage may not survive
go there - you resent him, you are miserable, the marriage may not survive
compromise - the marriage still may not survive as you both want different things, but at least you are both in the country you want to be in.
Good luck OP whatever you decide. 💐

All the discussion about the pros and cons of being a trailing spouse are irrelevant in your situation. Your husband hasn't even got the package details. There is nothing for you to discuss with him. He is very unreasonable to expect you to be onboard with having everything riding on a man who can't even ask for the package details.

This thread has been on my mind all day.

OP, don't do it. Just imagine your babies going off to school and doing active shooter drills where they try to learn what they should do if someone is trying to murder them with a gun while they are playing with their friends and learning. The fact that this is a common occurrence and accepted reality over there is just heartbreaking. Don't put yourself and your kids through that for anyone, not even their own dad. He's a selfish, selfish man.

As for "it's only for a few years". All the arguments that he's using to coerce you now will be the same arguments he uses to coerce you in a couple of years time. That's assuming you don't end up deported without your children. Or unable to take them home with you because he won't give permission.

This man is not worth putting your kids safety and wellbeing at risk for. No man is.

Clearly you're the glass-half-full optimist type and good for you. But the OP sounds risk-averse and the relationship with her DH doesn't come across as that solid. Yes, if it doesn't matter to you where you live, why not live anywhere. But it does matter to OP where she lives - and she's happy there.

I did abandon a career that I had literally started only a few weeks prior and of course I also left family and friends! Not sure how you took I didn’t have a career or friendship network from my comments! 😅

Thanks @MrsAga , I think that's the best piece of advice I've had. In tears at how stressful this all is. Not to play the 'victim' but I haven't had any choice in being put in this situation at all, so all feels a little unfair. But it is what it is, people want different things from life.

You won't kill his career, it'll just go in a different direction, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.

If you're worried now, then don't do it. It'll be far harder to go back if you really hate it, than to say no now. You both need to be fully on board about a move like this and excited.

Sure he might.
Let him move to hell!
👍

Is it about Texas?

Or about your career?

Or about just wanting home and family?

Your suggestion of an alternative state is sending mixed messages: if the offer waa different you'd go. It's just Texas you don't want.

You need to work out what it really is you object to.

How important is your career at this point? Many women are looking to wind down it's priority for a few years while children are small anyway, so a man increasing his earnings is a good strategy for a family.
Some women aren't though, their career remains a priority even when they have small children..
Which are you? Does your DH know?

If you keep giving diffrent reasons, it could start to seem to him you are just throwing out any objection, yuo can think of, and moving the goalposts for him, which means he can't get a real grasp about the isseueand judge or discuss its validity.

In his eyes, it adds to a feeling possibly that you are just blocking without anunderstandable reason.
I'm just giving a possible perespective he may have.

@Strawberry4Supermoon Thank you x

OMG how many times I can explain. He moved with his wife 10 years ago, kept extending contract comparing every time what he gets where, decided about 3 years ago he is never coming back. We talk regularly and the situation is still the same. He is about 2 levels more junior than I am (work in the same company) - he earns more than I do by a lot and his bills are much much lower. We joke that I made wrong decision not to move. On top of it both his wife and he love it there - everything except for weather. The life is not black and white...
Another friend just moved from New Jersey to Texas for exactly the same reason - better quality of life - lower costs.
The third friend moved last year for promotion from the UK to Houston (changed companies). Unfortunately his company got acquired by someone else and he is being made redundant - he found level of life there so high, that frantically searched for another job, found it and staying too - wife, two children. Wife was high earner in the UK, found job there too and loves it.
Do you need more examples? I have plenty of them as in my industry a lot of people move between UK and US.
And for all those who are concerned about healthcare, private insurance provided by employer gives you an excellent healthcare - much much better than NHS with all due respect (and I love NHS)

As an aside, the OP has clearly stated that she and her children would only move to Texas once she had given birth in the UK, so this discussion is irrelevant to her present dilemma.

OP I would try to reach out to Houston specific expats for advise. I have lived in various places in the US and all over the world and spent just less than a year in Houston. Personally you could not pay me enough money to go back and live there. The heat and the people were both stifling. And that is not anti Texan, I have spent time in other parts of Texas and been much happier. Do your research OP. In the summer you will live air conditioned car to air conditioned building to air conditioned car. A lot of Brits struggle in Houston specifically.

This isn't about you though.

You are aware that unis are for people over the age of 21 right?!? You made an assumption there didn’t you! I also had friends, family, my boyfriend was actually my husband and we had a mortgage and were TTC!

This. MY DH is in discussions now over two jobs, one EU and one ME. He was given a list of what was available in general terms as part of each package, but then when he agreed to be put forward he highlighted which of those were more important. For ex. We don’t need contribution towards school fees as kids remaining in UK and attending uk universities from next year, so we’d expect that amount to be added to the salary; we’d only need two adult visas, but I’d want a visa to allow me to work if I/when I went to live there full time; we don’t need a bigger house, but we’d need support bringing our dogs etc; so you barter around those items as you agree the salary.

I agree. He is fully aware of the terms of the offer and is not being transparent. And as another PP has stated, it takes months to get to the offer stage with an overseas placement - they often have to advertise the role internally and externally, they then have to justify bringing a non-national over rather than appointing a local/US citizen to the role for the Visa, they will have already done a prelim visa check and other vetting to ensure he would satisfy the immigration criteria, which takes months. I suspect he is very much not telling you the truth.

@StrawberryWasp After raising all of my initial concerns about me essentially losing my career, support network, worried about DS and how I absolutely did not want to move to Texas, my husband was thinking of ways to 'compromise'. One such compromise was considering a different state, and I said I would be more open to considering that if it was on the table, as I didn't want to shut down his attempt at negotiating without consideration.

I appreciate your insight. Perhaps I should have said an outright 'no' to considering another state. Regardless, that was off the cards anyway as it has to be Texas.

OP, has he considered or talked about the amount of holiday he would get?

If he's on a US contract it's shit. As in really awful. Two weeks for the whole year isn't unusual.

In terms of a home/work life balance is this what you really want as a family.

ATM he seems only focused on work and money, not quality of life.

You now have a child and are about to have a second. This gets more information and more relevant as they get a bit older.

Honestly if he had wanted to work abroad he should have done it a few years ago. The optimum time to do it has passed. He has other issues to think about now and he doesn't seem to have grasped that you and the family should not just follow him around as it's neither fair nor in your best interests.

What's worrying here is he hasn't grasped this since having your first child.

And that the killer for me. He doesn't value your life and your opportunities. And this will kill the marriage in time whether or not you go.

So you'd be silly to put yourself in a position where it exposed you and made you particularly vulnerable.

OP - you say you’re torn and anxious and I completely understand the anxiety but I actually don’t think you’re torn! You sound like a strong woman who knows your own mind, wants to maintain independence and won’t be pushed around. These are good things! You absolutely know that you don’t want to go, for myriad reasons. You don’t need to be convinced by your husband, or people on here, or anyone else to “give it a go”. You seem very clear (and for what it’s worth I completely agree) that this “opportunity” is absolutely only beneficial for your husband and would actually have a negative impact on almost every area of your own life and possibly your children’s. You say your husband has always known you have zero interest in the US so I think it’s really unfair and inappropriate for him to try and push you on this, particularly given that you’re pregnant.