Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

Or maybe you are the one who doesn’t understand US law.

https://ovis-intl.dartmouth.edu/immigration/h-1b-employees/h-1b-dependents#:~:text=Employment,employment%2Dbased%20permanent%20residence%20process.

If the husband is there on a temporary H1B visa, everything online says she is not allowed to work.

He says it is a temporary posting. Therefore, the company will be unlikely to fund an application for permanent residence (the visa for which I accept would allow her employment).

Even if the company does fund the permanent residence application:

1. This will take time, during which she can’t work.
2. An application to stay permanently will almost definitely shift the place of permanent residence to the US which means even if she could leave with the children previously (which I actually think is wrong but she’d have to get legal advice on that point), she wouldn’t be able to afterwards.

It might have changed since my time, but I took my US test about 3 weeks after we arrived. I didn’t have a SS number, just a TIN. You can drive on your UK licence for 90 days.

This is the kind of info that you need before agreeing to anything - hence getting a chance to sit down with the relocation manager to go through it all. We were given a massive A4 file full of information.

I relocated to the US for work (with a partner who worked for the same company) before we had kids.

The package you’re being offered is critical here, don’t believe what your husband says about not wanting to ask!! Some things to negotiate on: flights and expenses for house hunting trips, flights home during the period you are there, matched vacation time, ability to work from the UK when visiting, medical and dental (this is a massive thing and variable at each company), support for taxes (we didn’t get this support but it was really confusing), rental costs support for period abroad (salary supplement), shipping of belongings, use of a relocation company (this can be a big cost and usually only big corporates will do this), car rentals for first few months, furniture allowance… i am sure there are more!

We moved to the east coast where it was relatively easy to get home, but Texas is that bit further.

We came home because I got pregnant and had my first child there (I could write a whole essay on that experience). We wanted the family support and network at home. I don’t think I would move with two small children if I’m honest, it will be great for your husband, but not for you being left to navigate a new lifestyle and children while he plays the corporate traveller.

Good luck with your choice x

Sorry don't have time to read everything, just wanted to say don't do it!! There's nothing wrong with being a homebody OP. If he thinks going to Texas is going to be some kind of transformative and enriching life experience (which I doubt) tell him to take a holiday there, not uproot his whole family! On paper these things sound like big adventures, which they are but a massive part of it is slog and misery and homesickness and stress. Saying this as someone who has upped sticks and started over several times. It's bloody hard work. And Texas sounds all kinds of shit to be honest. Also I was moved around repeatedly as a young child and there are lasting effects. Wild horses couldn't drag me away from where we live now that my oldest is in school. Obviously we're all different but it doesn't sound like you want to do this at all. Don't let him push you into it!

Houses and gardens are huge for MUCH less money. Taxes are MUCH less. The cost of living question is tricky because it's not remotely apples to apples. You may pay the same in housing but will have a massive house. You will get private healthcare that makes the UK look like a developing nation. You will interview and choose your paediatrician. They will actually track your child's growth and development.

We make half what we would take home in the Us due to tax differences.

Schools are capped at 22 for class size and will be modern and well equipped. The UK has an extra year of school and starts kids a year earlier. The US starts kids a year later (much kinder in my opinion) and have a 4 year degree rather than 3.

You have legit concerns but Mumsnet isn't the right place. You need to see the full relo package for

• salary
• taxes
• relo costs
• healthcare
• flights home

You need legal advice on the kids but people on here are hugely misinformed. It's perfectly possible to protect yourself right to return with the kids as a British family on a temp assignment. You need to understand the full package and to go visit. You absolutely need to understand how your life would look.

Insurance companies can't deny coverage for preexisting conditions. This has been the law since the Affordable Care Act passed in 2014.

But without children - and the dog - you're in a different ball park. Fine to gamble with your own life. OP might resent her DH - that's one thing. What if her child resents them both?

Well actually I was 26 and he was my husband. We had a mortgage and we were TTC! We didn’t let that stop us!

He might resent her…. It’s a risk either way!

Yes. I lived there years ago with small children. Nothing would persuade me to go now with children. Even then they never had any playtimes because of the risk. It is not a way to live.

@Bellybusting

We moved to the east coast where it was relatively easy to get home, but Texas is that bit further.

Not a tiny bit either, London-Houston is usually 10 hours plus…

It’s one thing hopping back to the UK from the US Eastern Seaboard, Texas is an entirely different (and usually more expensive) deal.

One of the school mums I knew moved to America for her husband’s job, when their kids were 8 and 10. The plan was to stay for 2 years, maximum 3. She wasn’t keen but agreed to it as a temporary thing. 8 years later and they’re still there. I’ve lost touch with her apart from Facebook, and I assume she’s happy to stay. But the kids are now teens, they’re basically American, and it occurred to me that if the parents ever wanted to return to the UK, it’s very unlikely their kids would come with them. So that’s it, done deal, USA for ever. I’m not sure what it’s like out there for ex pat pensioners.

It's quite obvious if you keep up with the news.
The abortion ban doesn't just affect women wanting an abortion but those having miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies, and other situations where a D&C or termination is medically necessary. In Texas specifically women have nearly died because doctors refused to treat them until their life was clearly at risk and thus an exception to the ban.
So it's not really a solution to say just fly to Boston, if you're having a miscarriage and need immediate treatment.

yup. My time was in NJ and it was a bit ofr a shock to find out how "foreign" it was....I'd say apart from the language, its as foreign to a Brit as japan would be.

Some of the posts scaremongering about the USA remind me of my US friends who believe that we are all in comstant danger of being arrested because of our anti free speech laws in the UK, or that our cities are no go areas because they;ve been taken over by Islamic fundamentalists.

This is the story they get about living in the UK.

There is a slither of truth built into a whole narrative about a country and what it's like there. People go with it and the superiroty it provides.

Saying that: I do live in a large UK city and would quite like a gated community here, especially if it meant that kids could play safely outside.
I can see the appeal.

But your village sounds nicer OP.

The Texas driving test was laughably easy. I sat it at 8 months pregnant. We'd moved across right at the limit of flying. The instructor saw my bump and said 'aw honey' and just told me to drive around the block. I don't believe it would have been that much harder had I not been pregnant
So don't let that be an impediment

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/article/2024/aug/13/texas-abortion-ectopic-pregnancy-investigation

Oh well you never heard of it so it must not be anything to worry about🙄

It's a dilemma. Personally I'd love the adventure; one of my biggest life regrets is not being more mobile, careerwise. Major regret. Also turning down a promotion is a career killer; I understand his qualms in that regard.

That said, Texas, really? Of all the hellholes. Heat, humidity, guns, rabid Republicans, horrible governor, and zero reproductive rights for women.

If he's going to be traveling that much, could you be based elsewhere with the kids, and just let him commute to Houston or wherever? From what I hear, Atlanta isn't so bad. Also hot, I imagine. California would be nice, but again, weather/fire woes. And expensive. Even Austin Texas is likely to be a better place for families. Denver? Chicago? Many places are within a 1-2 hour flight from Texas, from the looks of things.

Not sure why you think it would take a long time to obtain a car for yourself; most countries allow for international driving licenses, don't they?

but one of the MN concerns is that her husband is preventing her from doing this.

I may have been a graduate but I was actually 26 with a mortgage and my “boyfriend” was actually my husband and we were TTC but didn’t let it stop us and I am so glad we went. I met many many families with young children who moved there too who also had no regrets.

oh i totally agree

my point was how irrelevant the analogy was

Personally I think the weather in Texas sounds absolutely awful but each to their own.
Interesting that you think there would be good opportunities to travel - where exactly that you wouldn’t go from the UK anyway? A close friend of mine works in Houston regularly and always laughs about the locals and go talk about how much they love to travel and then he realises that they’ve never actually left the States.

@YellowRoom
@CustardySergeant

Exactly.

Yes, I was directing it at I went to Malaysia without small kids and a decent career behind me and it was fab person

@BettyBardMacDonald I said I'd consider another state, such as one in New England. That wasn't an option, his colleague said he would be Houston based.

It's a real dilemma. I don't want to be held responsible for killing his career, but equally... he is doing that to me.