Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

the general concept being moving abroad?

Yes that is the beginning middle and end of the similarity to this scenario though!

@Nunu90
Would he be able to find a similar job in the UK in a different company? Flying every two weeks to the USA on £120k for two weeks is harsh, and not sure whether it's worth it. All the jet lags and incidental expenses when you are not at home.

The other question is what is the main problem that he is trying to solve with the move? If it is finances, then you are actually fine with the current income and mortgage.

Is this for his career progression? How niche is what he is doing? Is he on the individual contributor or managerial pathway?

Just briefly reading through your posts OP and what strikes me is that anything you ask him to compromise on has been deemed unreasonable and compromises he’s suggested (such as flying back to the UK to circumvent the very concerning women’s rights issues) is a fair solution to him.

One of the most concerning comment is that he feels his life should revolve around his work. Thats his bottom line. I imagine yours is that you didn’t marry his job.

His lack of interest in understanding more about the job and the impact it will have on your family unit is breathtakingly arrogant: for me, I’d stay put and revisit the move in xx months after the baby is born whilst he goes on out there ahead of you. Really sorry you’re in this situation, it sounds horrid

Having read all of your updates OP I think you are quite correct to feel hesitant about this prospect, and I say this as someone who would jump at this sort of opportunity.

You are doing the right thing on insisting that your husband find out all of the relevant information about the proposed relocation package, living costs in that area of Texas and what your financial position would likely be at the end of this. You can't make a sensible decision without this information, especially as your husband has been clear that this move is financially motivated.

However, the aspects that concern me on your behalf are:

• your husband has been sulking and seems to take any less than 100% positivity as criticism (as an aside, is this new behaviour?). His general behaviour towards you over this matter sounds poor

• you will be post partum and moved thousands of miles away from your support network with a husband who will likely be expected to travel away regularly for work

• you have a beloved elderly pet who would be caused a lot of upheaval to be relocated (which he may or may not cope with). Have you looked at pet insurance costs in the US?

• you won't be working and will be dependent on him financially, whilst taking a hit to your career

• you don't like the sound of living in a gated community full of his work colleagues. I too would feel horrified, and worried that I'd always need to feel 'on best behaviour' and not just be able to get on with living my life

I wish you the best of luck with your decision making- and please don't feel pushed and bullied in to going along with this if it's not the right decision for you

Edit for grammar

I would tell him that you are fully aware that not knowing the real financial and other impacts is NOT normal before accepting a job - any job, not least one in a completely different country. Then ask him to get them to clarify the following:

1 Actual alary and tax implications. Including guaranteed or discretionary bonuses or additional perks
2 Healthcare provision including insurance, deductibles etc
3 Moving package - what will they pay re housing, flights etc. will the package include annual return-home flights? What moving costs will they cover and how are these covered - ie do they provide a service that sorts it or do you have to sort it and they will reimburse up to a certain amount.
4 Visa for you and the chidlren - assume the company will pay AND sort. Will this happen prior to the job starting? What about you getting a green card to be allowed to work in due course?
5 Driving - you will need two cars presumably so what allowance will be made for this eg hire car for first xx weeks
6 Additional benefits they plan to provide such as paid childcare, domestic support, educational opportunities, travel allowance etc.

I said the concept is the same! They have been given an opportunity to live abroad and they are trying to make a decision. My experience was “do not regret not going” and I am pleased we took that stance as it was amazing. I would have done the same when we had kids too - in fact I would have been more inclined to go because that’s an amazing experience!

So not a recent comparison then? Other pp are giving the current comparison.

What on EARTH are you going on about, bleeding and flying and miscarrying? Just stop. That is not going to happen to OP.

American here. Feel the need to clear a few things up.

Miscarriage--the law had recently changed and the doctors made a huge mistake in not understanding it and withholding needed medical care. My daughter is a doctor and is appalled. The standard of care, which all doctors must adhere to, requires treatment for a miscarriage and a botched abortion. Treatment cannot be withheld by law. The doctors in TX (and one case in GA) are being sued and will lose their licenses to practice. If OP has a miscarriage she will receive prompt, proper treatment.

Gated communities--They exist for a few reasons. The most common is that they are what you would call "posh." i.e., a symbol of wealth. Think Hyacinth Bucket. Often these are unguarded gates with keypads that everybody knows aren't really protecting anything, but people can say they live in a gated community. The second reason is that people who can afford to live in expensive communities often have second homes and leave their properties empty for an extended period of time. They often have a guarded gate and a roving patrol to watch the houses, not just for break-ins but for burst pipes, etc. And yes, all gated communities have a HOA. Somebody has to collect money to pay for the guards.

Very difficult situation OP; it is 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. If I had to answer on the spot, I would wonder why your husband needs to move overseas with a bigger salary when you are already financially comfortable here?
Also, your career opportunities are likely to be impacted which seems unfair.
On the other hand, it seems a golden opportunity for your husband who I presume is the main breadwinner (because of childcare commitments by you)?
Would your husband resent you if you said definitely no?
I am sure you will end up resenting him if you go. So all very difficulty and I don't have any answers. I totally get why you feel you are being coerced by decision period being extended by your husband's employer, that seems unfair

What kind of complete wanker even thinks about considering a move like this without knowing the full terms of the offer and relocation package? Unless your husband IS actually a complete wanker, and he is certainly behaving like one.

Personally, I find it hard to believe that he doesn't have that information. It's just far too basic, surely!

This would all be a hard "no" from me. The only compromise I might consider making is the one you have already offered - he works in Texas for two weeks every month and then from home in the UK (visiting you and the children) for two weeks. I might even say that the children and I would come out to visit during some school holidays, though I wouldn't leave them alone with him. If he didn't like that or refused to even consider it then he could go to Texas on his own if he still wished, but the children and I would not be going with him.

No way would I ever have entertained the idea of abandoning my own career, financial independence and family support network to emigrate to a country where my children and I would be so vulnerable. Worst case scenario is that if the relationship fails after you have moved (sounds quite likely) then you wouldn't be able to just return to the UK with your children if he refused permission. You could even be deported back here without them and that just hardly bears thinking about.

Don't do it!

The bottom line is that you don't want to go. You have good reasons. I would stick to my guns but also while knowing that not going may very well affect his career in the long run.

Thats because her point of reference is 15 years ago when the exchange rate was much much more favorable to the GBP. Take that away (and its been gone since 2016 or so) and yes, everything is going to be a lot more expensive than it was even before all the inflation rises.

The more I think about this the more this hasn't anything to do with the US, Texas, or a big move and everything to do with the OPs marriage. Not all opportunities are the right ones, but this one sure is showing up her DH for what he really is.

Unfortunately, I think your DH is showing you who he really is with his behaviour, and showing you what his priorities really are. If I was a man with a pregnant wife and a young child, I would shovel sh*t for a living if it meant keeping them happy, safe and secure.

There is no reason a similar job/ promotion won’t come up in the UK in the near future.

If the opportunity was in eg Europe, and you were excited at the thought of living there for a couple of years, then that would absolutely be worth considering. But moving to a country where you will have few rights could cause dreadful consequences for you and your DC for decades if things go wrong. I certainly wouldn’t recommend moving there if you think you need to do so to “save your marriage”, as I think you know that will not end well.

Sounds like nearly everyone here thinks you are being completely reasonable, and he is not. Best wishes OP.

A secondment is entirely different to 2 people quitting their jobs to move somewhere. If it doesn’t work out it means both of you trying to find jobs in the U.K. economy.
Im sure the recruiter said to me I wouldn’t be able to work for 2 years on the visa DH would get. I knew I would end up incredibly isolated as it was a given DH works long hours here already.

A few things happened since which showed we were right not to move. DHs mother’s health deteriorated and he supported her for a year before she died. He probably would have only been able to visit a few times. DH was gravely unwell, maybe the insurance would have covered it all, however I couldn’t see the work tolerating the 6 months sick plus long phased return in the US. DD started to struggle with school and was diagnosed ASD, a big high school in the US would have been a disaster, instead she has a small supportive secondary here.

At the end of the day it has to be something for both of you. Personally a sports focused/church going/gated community would be my hell.

@ThereTheyGo @LifeExperience "American here. The standard of care, which all doctors must adhere to, requires treatment for a miscarriage and a botched abortion. Treatment cannot be withheld by law...If OP has a miscarriage she will receive prompt, proper treatment."

THANK YOU!

Bleeding and flying and miscarrying - I never heard the like.

But what's the actual opportunity in real terms OP? it's not like you're going travelling to see lots of different things. You'll be stuck at home without your extended support network and with a baby and a toddler. Boiling hot, don't know anybody, while your DH fulfils his career dreams. I'm sure it's a great opportunity for him career wise OP but way too high a price for you IMO and if you want to come home, can he stop you?

Yes you moved to malaysia in your early twenties, having just graduated, with no children or thoughts of having children at that point, to live with your boyfriend.

So yes… you and the Op have moving countries in common 👍

Apologies, I was talking about my state - you are correct!

You’ve been far more considerate than I’d have been by even considering it. You literally couldn’t pay me to move to Texas, even without any of the many valid reasons you specifically have for being wary (and the dog is IMO a very valid reason! I couldn’t leave mine and my husband wouldn’t either).
It seems odd for him to talk about “life experience” when he’s been clear that you’d live in a gated community with other expats; not exactly like experiencing a different culture in rural Vietnam or something.

I consider myself a nomad at heart. Having lived in several different countries, I can categorically say that it would be a HELL NO from me.

https://www.click2houston.com/news/local/2024/08/19/texas-ranked-among-worst-states-in-the-us-for-womens-equality-report-says/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gun_laws_in_Texas

On the basis of just these two issues alone I wouldn't live there in a month of Sunday's.

Add in hideous weather https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Climate_of_Houston#:~:text=The%20climate%20of%20Houston%20is,F%20(17%20%C2%B0C).

Lastly the chance of Donald Trump becoming president is real.

Wild horses would not drag me to Houston. Stick to your guns.

I agree - when I first started going 20 years ago we used to joke it was a free holiday! $2 to the £1 and everything was so so cheap. Now we have found the groceries cost more than they do here and it is far more expensive generally. I honestly don’t think any move will be that much more lucrative than living in the UK. Somewhere like Dubai and HK sure but not the UsA these days. Go for the experience for sure but not the financial gain.

You have a very very selfish man as a husband - you’ve already moved three times around his job - I really wouldn’t trust him at all - he’s not listening to YOU at all!!!

you should be starting a thread about your marriage Op

not even considering upending your life for him

While not abandoning a career, a dog, a friendship network ... of course for some people a move like this will be amazing. Read the OP, she isn't being an unadventurous misery guts, she doesn't want to go for very good reasons.