Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

@AllyCart Neither of us have ever been there before!

A lot of his colleagues and those who live in this gated area in Kingwood are Spanish ex-pats, so he tells me.

@StarStay he said the other week he would move if it was the other way around, but I find that difficult to believe, too.

I am angry about the fact that I had this unreasonable two week window, and was told I should give a hypothetical answer before receiving the information. I don't know if that's my husband not wanting to ask, or a cultural thing at work. I suspect the former. Then when I said no, the man who offered him the job basically said we could have more time...so it wasn't the answer he wanted, take more time to convince your wife is how I feel about that.

@ThereTheyGo Absolutely agree. If it doesn't work out with this pregnancy (a much longed for DC2) then there's absolutely no way I'd consider getting pregnant in the states. For clarity, I'd remain in the UK and then potentially move out there post-birth. I've already said how crazy this is and a potential catalyst for post-natal depression.

Also, depending on how long it takes to be able to get a car (I think someone mentioned an SS card?), I'd be stuck with my DS, potentially a baby, inside a gated community until I got my licence.

The more I hear about this, the worse it sounds.

I did tell him I'd be more open to considering a New England state. He looked into it and agreed with me, that maybe he got too excited about moving to Texas. However, since his colleague has said Texas is where he will need to be as that is where Head Office is based, it's back to 'Texas will be great, you're worrying about things that we can solve'. It's exhausting.

At the moment, he is involved in some business in the states which will require him to have much more frequent trips there anyway, regardless of whether he takes the job or not. So from January, he'll be 2 weeks there, 2 weeks here. He says that isn't sustainable long term, but I feel he's leaving little option.

I am also angry he's pursued all this knowing I have no interest in the US whatsoever.

Oh OP, I’m so sorry this is a lot of turmoil for you! I was in an almost identical position a few years ago, alongside with friends of ours who also worked at my DH’s company. We were in different places - I had a young family, these friends were older with grown up children. The friends went, we didn’t. Ultimately it came down to the fact that nothing on this earth would induce me to send me child to an American school with the gun crime, it was absolutely abhorrent to me. That, and America in general is such a divisive, tumultuous country, and the stance on women’s rights which you acknowledge, I just couldn’t do it. Yes, we may not have the money we’d have out there, but we’ve never regretted it. Even when our friends went and would send pictures of them at the country club and eating steaks the size of houses and living it up etc, I never regretted it. They’re back now, and honestly I can’t say their life seems any different now than before they went!!

I'm a diplomatic spouse and live on a compound overseas which I guess is essentially a "gated community" with my DH's colleagues and their spouses and kids - I don't find it claustrophobic. I have lived on compounds before that were, but that's cos it was far less safe outside than either Houston or where I live now, and everyone was stuck there with more security. Nothing keeping you there all day in Houston! It can be lovely, lots of people in the same boat, people really help each other and kids can roam around and play. They can be really nice communities.

I'm not saying the US is perfect but I really like it there and think Texas could be fun for a few years (with the level of privilege you're talking about.) But I would still say don't do it, honestly. US working culture is quite tough from what I can see, DH might be around less. And you just don't want to. Moving internationally is tough. I have done it many times now and always hate the first six months. There has got to be some pull because even when you're very invested there will be a lot of push. You're not invested at all. You sound really settled and like your life, what's in it for you?

It's not good for a marriage to upend everyone for one person's job. You can make it work, but it takes a lot of effort and consideration to hold space for an inherently uneven power dynamic. Will your husband be able to do that? He sounds pushy and a bit un-self-aware, sorry if that's inaccurate.

Also he sounds very sure you can work but has he actually looked into it? It can be complicated. The whole "I won't ask the T &C's unless we're saying yes" is a dick move on his part and would not fly with me at all. Feels like he's trying to railroad you.

then these many people need to understand US law. As wife and dependent on someone who has work visa she will be able to work.

I’ve lived in the States on a three year ex-pat assignment. I was single at the time and thoroughly enjoyed it but was happy to return home to the U.K.

I agree with many of the previous posters that this seems to have highlighted areas of concern in your relationship. From what I saw of married colleagues the ex-pat life only works if both spouses are totally 110% on board with it. US colleagues are a lot more hard nosed about discussing salaries, healthcare and T&C so asking what the package is before making a decision (and negotiating on it) would be normal and in fact expected. The fact he hasn’t would lead the company to think he was a soft touch and they could get away with offering the bare minimum.

Also, has he ever spent any time in the USA that isn’t vacation/business travel orientated? Has he any feel for how the healthcare system works, how the housing market works, what grocery shopping is like, what it is like living somewhere where you have to drive everywhere because there are no sidewalks and you get up at 5am to do yard work because it’s too hot by 8am?

In your situation, as a potential trailing spouse with no certainty of a visa allowing you to work, with very young children who can cost a lot of money healthcare wise and/or in childcare, and an elderly family pet, it would be a hard no from me too.

Bringing a couple of kids with you on a 3/4 hr flight for an abortion, or doing it alone, sure that's easy peasy right? And that would be an abortion where there is no miscarriage. Because getting that same flight while bleeding and miscarrying would be also very simple and straightforward?

Before kids I'd be totally up for it.

Post kids it would be a hard no for me. No way would I put my child in a school where they have to learn an active shooter drill from age 4 for their own safety.

There was a lady on here recently.Her DH wanted to move to Australia,had recently moved back here from Oz!Like you she wasnt happy about it. Why in 2024 are women expected to become a "trailing spouse" Many have jobs of their own, friends ,a life as an independent person. You should be free to say No and that be an end to it .Just say firmly you dont want to move end of!

As wife and dependent on someone who has work visa she will be able to work

Not necessarily. Yes if he’s on an L-1. Not guaranteed if he’s on an H-1. The are over 100 different visa types for the USA.

It’s the same…. Offered a job abroad, unsure whether to take it! Yes kids are involved but the concept is the same!

I simply said don’t regret not going. That mentality was what made us decide to go and it was the best time ever!

We were mid twenties with a mortgage just without the kids who came later on!

When I intiially said 'no', he didn't speak to me for three days.

It gets worse

One tiny thing - you can drive on an international driving license (free, I think. You pick one up at the post office in the UK) for at least a year. Maybe longer. You do need a Social Security number in order to get a US driving licence, but you have time to work on that. You won't be stuck at home unable to drive.

I would never be a ‘trailling spouse’ nor move abroad for DH’s work if I had no visa to work. Made that clear before marriage.

in your shoes I would say no and continue working.

No, I am just open person who loves experiencing different countries and cultures and ensured my child had these experiences too. Being confined to a village with no progress in work is not appealing to me and wouldn't impress me if my DH was happy with this

it’s really not “the same”

but ok 🤷

It's totally different to pack up your suitcase and go when you're childless. Totally.

You say: "The timing has been very very poor for me mentally."

I think that in itself is a very good reason to just say a hard no.

If he goes without you, that's his choice.

New Jersey is expensive. Houston with high salaries is not. as mentioned before i have friends who left UK to go to Houston and decided not to come back for exactly this reason. I looked at it myself at some point and it was definitely cheaper than living in the UK - I decided against it as DS was in secondary school and i didn't want to disrupt his GCSE prep

the UsA and each individual state is very marmitey. You might absolutely love it or hate it. It is impossible to tell without you visiting.

I have been to 40 states and travelled extensively. I love visiting. We have absolutely amazing holidays, met the most amazing people and seen the most amazing scenery imaginable. But there is no way I would live there. The healthcare system, the guns and the very divisive politics put us off. I have friends there who send their children to school with bullet proof backpacks. It would be just too much worry for me.

but I know people who have moved there and loved it. You honestly have to have seen it and weighed up the package with pros and cons before you commit to it. It is just too big an upheaval to just say yes if you have reservations. You have to be 100% committed

The general concept is the same though - they have been offered an opportunity abroad and need to decide yes or no. We decided to risk it and had he been offered the opportunity once our kids were born I would have jumped at the chance. I met many expats with younger kids etc when they moved and they were pleased they took the opportunity to do so!

It depends on the state as each one has their own Department of Motor Vehicles. Where I was, I got stuck because I couldn’t “title” (register) the car I bought because I wasn’t in the DMV system, and the DMV wouldn’t register me until I got my SSN.

There a reason everyone has a story to tell about their DMV…

No, people are not moving to Texas for quality of life as most of us would see it, they are moving for its low-tax/no-tax set up and because it's viewed as a bastion of right-wingness.

One of my dc spent the last year living between Fort Worth and Houston for work - they have no children or partner and it was only ever going to be a short-term thing so they enjoyed it but partly enjoyed it because the state is so "other" and they found it fascinating to hang out with Trump enthusiasts and people who owned 40 guns, the experience blew their minds but there is no way they'd ever want to settle there. They were very struck by how ugly the major cities were - yes, there are some attractive suburbs in that you have lots of green lawns but they are boring as hell! As I said previously even Austin and San Antonio are not that great, they're just better than Houston/Fort Worth/Dallas. The river walk in San Antonio is that - one walk that takes about 20 mins, it's not worth uprooting your life for. The standard of driving is atrocious and very scary.

DH spend some of his childhood in Houston as an expat and agreed everything had got a lot worse in the past couple of decades. The US in general is in decline, which is why Trump is going to win the election.

In the kindest possible meaning, early pregnancy is always risky. I would not want to be in Texas should anything happen with that pregnancy. This would be my first thought.

‘DO you know that children benefit from living in different cultures? Gives them broader outlook...’

laughing my tits off at the thought of kids bringing brought up in Houston having a ‘broader’ out look on anything!