Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

This is all completely wrong. The Hague convention deals with where child custody issues are dealt with and it’s the location of habitual residence not citizenship.

There is absolutely no requirement in international law for any of the parties to be a ‘US person’.

If the OP left the US and filed for divorce in the UK, all her DH would have to do would be to file for divorce in the US (as the place of residence of the family) and apply for the children to be returned and they would be.

Oh for crying out loud, of COURSE she would get healthcare if she needed it. If you have good insurance - which she absolutely would with her husband having that kind of job - the medical care in the US is excellent. Don't listen to the insane media scare stories. And in the unlikely event that she needed an abortion, they have money so they'd just travel to Massachusetts or somewhere.

I agree.

No way would I do this.
US culture, particularly Texas is just too different.

Some income taxes may be lower but as a Yank who knows this first hand from living in both countries, the overall tax burden is NOT lower when you start to factor in things like real estate tax and health care. You also need to check, forensically, about the state and federal tax burden. This is before the general cost of living, which is higher than here.

This bloke thinks he can pay his UK mortgage off in three years by taking this job. Head in the clouds, unless they really squeeze in TX.

If I am being honest, I have noticed he does try to gaslight me sometimes, but of course, if I pull him up on it, he denies it and is outraged.

Exactly the type of person i’d trust to upend my life, move across the world and risk my child having to stay there if the relationship ever broke down.

Yup Op, he sounds like a keeper

This. I’m sure it makes the (multiple) parents whose children have been murdered at school feel much better to know most other children haven’t been. (/s if that wasn’t obvious).

What a tough situation OP
I would never move to the US as I have school age children and I could never trust that they'd be safe at school.

How is that benefit to 1 person? Everyone will benefit from more money. And why so much negativity about uprooting lives instead of getting experiences? DO you know that children benefit from living in different cultures? Gives them broader outlook...

Something quite red flaggy about this. Some opportunities to live abroad sound exciting but this one doesn't.

and not with someone the Op freely admits often gaslights her

weird

Not for the life of me would I be pregnant in America, let alone Texas if god forbid something went wrong.

I absolutely would not go. I lived in California for ten years, moved back before Trump became president and feel incredibly grateful that we did. The US is not the 'land of opportunity' it once was. I would think very hard about exposing your children to gun culture, especially in Texas, and the rollbacks on healthcare for women would worry me intensely.

Perhaps a minor consideration, but Houston is also a charmless place. The city and surrounds are flat, full of strip malls and chains. Also, the impact on children of moving countries can be huge and unknowable, not just the move to the US now, but the move back to the UK in a few years time. Some children really struggle. Mind did. Some things are more important than money.

I LOVE the US! So my ‘ no way’ comments aren’t coloured by hatred or ignorance. I’ve been to almost every state, I go several times a year for family and work, I work for a US company And my kids are half American.
I have also been to Texas, including Houston, Dallas, Austin and don’t think you can underestimate the culture shock of the differences between the U.K./Europe and a red southern state like Texas. I mean, visit, by all means - if only for the experience as it’s genuinely unique… but go there with no job, support, family or friends… that would be a massive leap of faith for anyone.
Theres no exit strategy here, and OPs DH seems like the kind of guy who might enjoy a very conservative state, where men are men, ‘traditional’ values revered and he would have a lot of freedom when his DW did not.

It's not wrong. The Hague Convention relies on determining "habitual residence," and that's determined on a case-by-case basis. In the OP's case, a child would not be returned to an ex-pat work-visa father who works full-time and who has no family whatsoever in the US. If the child's entire family on both sides are in the UK, both parents are from the UK, the children are UK-born, and the dad is only in the US on a work visa, it is VERY unlikely that the children would be deemed to be habitually resident in the US. Being a "US person" or not is part of the many things that go into determining whether someone is "habitually resident" or not. The problems can come, however, if the children spend a number of years growing up there, with both parents, and Dad gets a green card. But this Hague Convention stuff is not something OP would have to worry about for quite some time.

I'd go if the package was lucrative enough with a few legally ensured caveats - I.e flights home every six months or so, set amount of time etc. I'd also have it written that you can come home for a few months with the baby and your four year old etc when on maternity leave. I moved to the UK with the caveat it was just for 10 months - I'm from NZ and loved it there! I could never imagine living anywhere else and was also a homebody... and here I am 15 years later, loving living in the UK. Point is, life is not to be spent stagnating or playing it safe out of fear. I think adventure is so important with the understanding that if you hate it and are truly miserable, your husband will agree to come back. You may absolutely love it! X

A few years back (albeit before children) my now ex husband was offered a secondment in Malaysia. I had just graduated uni and we kept going back and forward with our decision until someone said to me….

Regret going, do not regret not going! You only live once and you may absolutely love it or you may hate it but you will never know if you don’t give it a go!

completely and utterly different to this scenario

With any of these types of moves the company should fly you both out to see the area and give you an idea if you like it.

my husband was once offered a job abroad and basically they wouldn’t do this. Neither of us felt comfortable committing to something blind so he turned it down.

it might turn out to be an adventure, it might turn out to be awful. But you won’t have a clue unless you actually see the potential accommodation you will be in and the potential school your child with attend. You need to know how many flights back home they will pay etc. no one can make a decision like this in 2 weeks.

Are people missing that this marriage sounds far from healthy as it stands

I mean the Op even says that he often gaslights her

Completely different scenario to someone having a toddler and being pregnant at the time of the move.

I think the Green Card process can start quite quickly so I'd figure this out asap.

and having just graduated and… well, you know

because people talk about New York and other states. Houston is not comparable - people are moving in US from different states to Texas for quality of life

No way would I be moving to Texas, I have a friend that lives there (has done all her life) and her view is that it is turning into Gilead (handmaids tale) for women. Although she is no longer able to have children she said that women's rights are not so much being eroded as being completely obliterated. Scary times for women over there apparently!